‘The Bachelor’: Guest appearances

The Bachelor
February 8, 2021

Last we left this hell hole, Pizza Delivery and Not-Doormat have been put in a room together to claw each other’s eyes out to wait for Matt James so as to make their arguments re: “Is Pizza Delivery Just As Bad a Bully as Queen Asshole and TEETH? Discuss.”

Matt James arrives and sighs heavily to convey his deep disappointment in having to have this conversation at all. This is not how he wanted to spend the evening, he would much rather be spending his time looking for a wife. YOU KNOW, HIS JOB.

Matt James takes Not-Doormat aside first, where she tells him that Pizza Delivery lied to his face, that she knew exactly how toxic the house was because she was contributing to it and that she was just as bad as Queen Asshole. Not-Doormat insists she “values” what Matt James “stands for” (whatever that is … I’m going to say: turtlenecks?) and that she wants to come out of this whole mess by his side.

Back out in the holding area, Pizza Delivery has a full-fledged meltdown about how NOT-DOORMAT NEEDS TO KEEP HER NAME OUT HER MOUTH and THIS LITTLE BITCH IS NOT GOING TO GET AWAY WITH THIS. Pizza Delivery eventually breaths through what she herself describes as a “weak bitch moment” and gives her poodle hair a floof.

Pizza then has her time with Matt James where she assures him that her heart is SO BIG and she is just trying her best to bring the house together, not tear it apart! In fact, when you really think about it, considering all the mental and emotional energy she’s been drained of during all of this, she’s the real victim here.

Matt James is like, “Yeah, I thought you were cool …  at first … but now I have some doubts.” Pizza begins sniffling and insists that she has never lied to him: she knows that he needs a wife who “preaches harmony and peace, not someone who tears others down.”


Feeling like she’s poured her heart out to Matt James, Pizza Delivery returns to Not-Doormat and growls at her that she is “SO PETTY” and that she needs to “LITERALLY CHECK HERSELF.” (Literally check herself? For what, weird moles? Ticks? Breast cancer?) But Not-Doormat is unbothered, and is like, “OK, Meredith.”

When Pizza Delivery, exasperated, says that she “IS SO DONE,” Not-Doormat is like, “that is the first thing we agree on!”

Pizza Delivery:

Matt James blah blahs that he’s “conflicted,” but we all know how this is going to go: he grabs the rose, tells Pizza Delivery that their connection was undeniable but that ultimately he can’t keep her on the show.

As Not-Doormat gloats, Matt James walks Pizza Delivery to the Goodbye and Don’t Come Back SUV where she pouts that she doesn’t understand why Not-Doormat sabotaged her, BUT IT SUCKS.

Not-Doormat then joins the rest of the women and is like, “I guess he’s looking for honesty, and not more bullshit. HIVE FIVE, LADIES.”

Chris Harrison is right behind her, explaining that there’s no cocktail party tonight, so LINE UP.

Rose #1: Queens Gambit
Rose #2: No Accent
Rose #3: Mrs. James
Rose #4: First One Out the Limo
Rose #5: The Model
Rose #6: Dildo Queen
Rose #7: Sexy Fish

Which means we must say goodbye to two of the “new” women: Rumors, and Dinogirl, and also, OH NO! Gorgeous. You were robbed, Gorgeous.

The next day, the first date card of the week arrives: “Mrs. James: Tonight will be worth the wait. Matt James.”

Meanwhile, Sexy Fish, apparently possessed by the spirit of Queen Asshole, decides that she has something to say to our Dildo Queen. She takes Dildo Queen aside and has the gall to tell her that she’s — Sexy Fish — is tired of her — Dildo Queen’s — “antics” and that she doesn’t think that Dildo Queen is actually there for Matt James. Dildo Queen is like, “Wait a minute, this isn’t going to be an apology? I thought this was going to be an apology! If you have an issue with me, feel free to take it up with Matt James.”

Sexy Fish tries to argue that Dildo Queen has been creating “drama” and calls her an arsonist for informing Matt James about the bullying in the house, but Dildo Queen is like, “I didn’t drop a single name, so if the real issue here is that you are feeling guilty about your own behavior take it up with your tell-tale heart, don’t attack me. I just put out the facts and allowed the women who were being assholes to speak for themselves.”

And with that, Dildo Queen is done.

Except not, because Sexy Fish then goes down to the other women and claims that Dildo Queen couldn’t handle the truth Sexy Fish was serving her. But Dildo Queen is hot on her heels and interrupts, curious what, exactly, Sexy Fish is saying to them.

Sexy Fish is like, “I was just telling them what you said to me which is that you’re not here for Matt James.” Obviously, Dildo Queen said nothing of the sort and is like, “Look, if you have a problem with how Matt James handled last night, take it up with him. But he must like me if he kept me around this long.”

All of the other women:

MEANWHILE, in a clunky white minivan, Heather Martin (otherwise known as “Never Been Kissed” on Colton’s season on account of the fact that she … had never been kissed when that season began) arrives at the resort gates, asking for Chris Harrison.

He comes out and is like, “the fuck are you doing here?” and Never Been Kissed explains that her bestie and former Bachelorette Hannah Brown told her that she would be perfect for Matt James, whom Heather had met while hanging out with her rejectee, Tyler Cameron, also known as “Footloose” for reasons I can not even begin to remember. ANYWAY, she wants to put herself in contention and meet Matt James before he becomes engaged, and Chris Harrison agrees to let her join as long as she quarantines for a while first.

A reminder: Never Been Kissed has some … stalkerish tendencies, and also hunted down Colton before joining his season.


As for Matt James and Mrs. James, they get the “Carnival To Ourselves” date, because the producers are completely exhausted and out of ideas. Nothing of interest happens except for perhaps the safety violation Matt James presents. YOU ARE TOO TALL FOR THIS RIDE, MATT JAMES. YOUR FEET ARE DRAGGING THE GROUND, MATT JAMES. YOU ARE GOING TO BREAK AN ANKLE ON THIS RIDE, MATT JAMES.

Their dinner is also pretty unremarkable: Mrs. James has a difficult time expressing her feelings, so does Matt James, they can work on that together, she is falling in love with him, he offers the date rose, they dance to a performance by some country band none of us have ever heard of before, and Matt James kisses her with his GODDAMNED EYES WIDE OPEN.

Back at the hotel, the next date card arrives: “First One Out of the Limo; College Girl; Veronica from Riverdale; No Accent; Not-Doormat; Queen’s Gambit; First Impression Rose; The Model; and Sexy Fish: This lane leads to love.”

Which means Dildo Queen receives the final one-on-one date, to Sexy Fish’s horror and dismay.

Meanwhile, Never Been Kissed is quarantining.

The group date is at the resort’s bowling alley, where the women are split into two teams, competing for access to the cocktail party. Team Pink is: Not-Doormat; No Accent; The Model; and Queen’s Gambit; Team Blue is: First Impression Rose; Veronica from Riverdale; Sexy Fish; College Girl; and First One Out of the Limo. Team Pink wins and Team Blue is sent walking back to the hotel in the rain. Sad.

While the winning team gloats about having time with Matt James, the losing team returns to the hotel and literally cry about being sent back early like a bunch of lunatics. But then Chris Harrison arrives and is like, “J/K J/K, go join the cocktail party.”

The losing team arrives just as Matt James is emerging from a little one-on-one time with No Accent, and it inspires hand-wringing and anxiety in the women who recognize that time is growing short to make that connection with him. (And just doing the math: we are about two weeks away from hometowns, so START PANICKING.)

The Model is particularly frustrated and worried and uses her time with him to tell him as much. But despite her best efforts — which essentially amounts to bitching at him that he’s not paying enough attention to her — the date rose goes to No Accent.

Meanwhile, Never Been Kissed is quarantining.

Before his final one-on-one date with Dildo Queen, Matt James hangs out with good ol’ Footloose who really should have been the Bachelor instead of that worthless dolt Pilot Peter. They play pool and Matt James tells Footloose about Dildo Queen bringing with her a “cactus-sized dildo,” and how she is unapologetic about who she is as a person — as we all should be. Footloose asks if he can see getting down on one knee at the end of this with someone, and Matt James confirms that he can.

But they didn’t bring Footloose to the resort to quarantine for several days just to play a round of pool with Matt James and go home. No, he turns out to be a weirdly central part of Matt James’ date with Dildo Queen.

She meets Matt James at the resort’s spa, where he explains that someone will be receiving a massage, but it’s not them. It’s Footloose, and like some lazy episode of Punk’d, their date involves the two of them giving the masseuse weird instructions through an earpiece in an effort to freak Footloose out. However, despite telling the masseuse to pinch his nipples and sniff his hair, when Matt James and Dildo Queen reveal themselves to Footloose, it’s greeted with mostly a shrug and an “OK.”

Bye, Footloose! Thanks for dropping by! You should have been the Bachelor!

That night at dinner, Dildo Queen opens up about her longest relationship (three years) and how she thought he was the one. On reflection, she realized that she wasn’t being her “true self,” and that it worked out for the best. Dildo Queen assures Matt James that she is there for him and hopes that he can see a future with her. Dildo Queen adds that he gives all of the women so much validation and she is worried he’s not receiving the validation he deserves. I don’t know what she’s talking about here, but it sounds good, I guess.

Matt James picks up the rose, tells Dildo Queen he had fun with her on their date, but too bad, so sad, he’s farther along in his relationships with other women so he’s sending her off to be the next Bachelorette home.

I mean, we all know where this is going.

Anyway, Matt James leads her out to the Go Be The Bachelorette Now SUV, where Dildo Queen, drained of color, tells us that she just didn’t see this coming and that she thinks it’s too soon to count her out.

We all agree, girl. We’ll see you in May.

For now.

Finally, the rose ceremony. As Matt James begins taking the women aside one-by-one, and the other women sigh in relief that the “drama” is now officially over and done with, who should drive up in her white minivan rental but Never Been Kissed. She marches into the hotel, gives the women a little wave, and keeps on walking, making a hard left and going straight into the room where Matt James is visiting with Mrs. James.

She asks to talk to him for a minute, and upon seeing her, Matt James bursts out laughing, with a confused, “Heather?” As Mrs. James leaves the room, Never Been Kissed tells Matt James that it’s “nice to meet” him, so … I guess this is the first time they’ve actually been in the same room together?

Meanwhile, the other women:

To be continued …

Here are the ladies who were eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:

Here are the women along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Matt and whose nicknames could change as the show goes on, I dunno:

The Bachelor airs Mondays on ABC at 7/8 p.m.

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