‘The Bachelor’: Be Best

The Bachelor
January 25, 2021

After Veronica Corningstone sends herself back to San Diego, Matt James puts on some lumberjack cosplay and then mopes around about how much it hurts when a single solitary woman he went on one (1) date with decides she’d rather spend time with her terminally ill father than him. : (

In the hotel, the other women are gloating about Veronica Corningstone’s departure, and Queen Asshole cackles that the “trash took itself out.” Dildo Girl, who finds this entire conversation distasteful, admonishes Queen Asshole (and the rest) to just stop: Veronica Corningstone is gone, there’s no reason to continue being nasty about her. Queen Asshole, astonished that she’s being called out, tells Dildo Girl to shut up, and Dildo Girl calls her “toxic and rude.”

So then … the group date just cuts straight to the cocktail portion of the group date? WHERE IS MY HUMILIATING AND POINTLESS GROUP ACTIVITY? I DEMAND A REFUND.

Instead of making the women wrestle in jello or ski in bikinis, we head straight to a cramped cabana somewhere so Matt James can make small talk with a handful of women. The only interesting conversation he has is with The Model, who shows him a photograph of herself with long hair. She then talks very openly about how as a Black woman she has had a lifelong struggle with her hair and had been chemically straightening it since she was two. When she finally decided to shave her head, it was an emotionally freeing moment.

There are a number of interesting things to note about this, most notably and obviously that a conversation about Black women and their hair is not something that we’ve ever seen on this show before, and I genuinely think that a lot of White folks have no idea how fraught this particular subject is. I’m glad they included it because I think it was a good learning opportunity for a lot of White viewers.

And even though I, a White woman, try to be as aware of these issues as I can be, I was still surprised she even brought it up with Matt James because she’s so stunning — it never occurred to me that she would be insecure about her shaved head. But of course she is — on a show like The Bachelor, the traditional trappings of feminity dictate how a contestant is supposed to look, and that includes long hair. Hell, it was only three seasons ago before we had our first contestant with a pixie cut, for Christ’s sake, and even though many of them wear them, not one contestant has ever worn glasses in her formal photograph or on a date.

Anyway, I think The Model is just gorgeous and I wish I could pull off a shaved head, and Matt James gives her the date rose for opening up to him.

Back at the hotel, Queen Asshole requests an audience with Dildo Girl where she demands that Dildo Girl apologize to her for “shutting [her] down in the group conversation.”

Dildo Girl:

Queen Asshole tries to claim that she was just “expressing [herself]” and Dildo Girl can’t stop her from doing that, but Dildo Girl is like, “Yeah, calling people names is not ‘expressing yourself,’ it’s just being toxic and rude.” Queen Asshole is like, “Yeah, well, you showed up on night one with a dildo, so … ” But Dildo Girl SHOWED UP WITH A DILDO, so she’s not going to be bullied by a two-bit narcissistic personality disorder, and she is like, “I’m proud of my sexuality and knowing what I want. Sorry you’re an immature mess.”

Queen Asshole insists that it’s rude when Dildo Girl points out she’s being rude, but Dildo Girl ain’t having it, and calmly tells Queen Asshole that she’ll always tell her she’s being a bitch when she is being a bitch. Queen Asshole then warns her that if Dildo Girl tries to shut her down again she … probably shouldn’t, to which Dildo Girl is like, “Alright, are we done here? because I’m not apologizing, goodbye.”

She is no longer a Dildo Girl, she is a DILDO QUEEN.

The next night is Rose Ceremony time and just to refresh everyone’s memory since it’s been a while: there are 18 women left (~cough~ for now ~cough~), the three women who have roses are: The Model, Queen’s Gambit, and Veronica from Riverdale, and everyone else is in a complete panic about having time with Matt James.

Matt James first chats with Mrs. James who is looking particularly fetching with her updo and pantsuit, and who talks about how she’s happy he a thing or two about strong women. He also talks with College Student who is TOO YOUNG FOR HIM, and Dildo Queen whom he compliments for her dildo stunt.

Queen Asshole and her asshole fake fur coat take him aside where she begins talking about how insecure this whole process makes her when Chris Harrison, hilariously, interrupts and takes Matt James away with him, while Queen Asshole is left to pout.

Chris Harrison leads Matt James out to the freshly hosed-down driveway which should have been Matt James’ first clue that shit’s about to go bananas. As the women gather around the windows inside and speculate that Veronica Corningstone has changed her mind and is coming back, Chris Harrison explains that because there were a record number of women who wanted to be on his season, they decided to hold a handful back until this, the fourth episode to maximize the drama. They are arriving right now.

The Producers:


Brittany (23, Model, Chicago): who gets out of the SUV, announces that she is making up for lost time, and shoves her tongue down his throat. HEY, HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF CONSENT, LADY? DO NOT #METOO THE BACHELOR, PLEASE.

Brittany goes inside and introduces herself to the other women who are NOT IN THE MOOD FOR ANY OF IT.

But she has bad news: there are more from where she came from. Queen Asshole hisses some venom at Unwelcome about being “backup,” to which Unwelcome quips, “I think they wanted to save the best for last … ” to which all Queen Asshole can muster is “Uh … no … I don’t think so.”

Queen Asshole then calls Unwelcome a “slore” —  a “slut” plus “whore” — in an interview, which you just know took her a while to come up with and she was so proud of.

Michelle (27, Teacher, Edina, Minnesota): introduces herself and tells Matt James that she’s from Minnesota and he notes that she doesn’t seem to have an accent. (And I was going to say that No Accent here is one of those people who is much lovelier in person than her photograph, and as someone who is hideously unphotogenic, I appreciate it. But then I checked out her Instagram account and no, she photographs beautifully, it’s just a case of the ABC promo department sucking at their job. ONCE AGAIN).

Ryan (26, Dancer and choreographer, Brooklyn): just says hello while TEETH has a complete mental breakdown about new women arriving. Not having anything to work with here, I checked in on Ryan’s bio, and it says loves the Jurassic Park movies, so we’re going to call her Dinogirl.

Kim (28, ICU Nurse, Los Angeles): Her greeting is also interrupted by TEETH and her meltdown, so I will note that according to her bio, Kim has spent the better part of last year working on the front lines of the COVID crisis. Which is impressive! She’s a hero! But it still doesn’t make up for the outfit she arrived in:


Catalina (29, Former Miss Puerto Rico, Caguas, Puerto Rico): Miss Puerto Rico shows up wearing her sash and tiara, which I am one thousand and ten percent sure was the producers’ idea.

Because as soon as she walks in, Queen Asshole calls her over, introduces herself as Queen Asshole, literally rips the crown off of her head, and puts it on her own. 

The other women are like, “NO NONONONONONO NO” and Queen Asshole relents, removes the tiara, and tosses it onto the coffee table. HOW DOES MISS PUERTO RICO NOT MURDER HER RIGHT THEN AND THERE?

And y’all … there’s only one explanation:

Matt James eventually joins the women and is like, “PLEASE DON’T BE MAD AT ME THIS IS NOT MY FAULT,” but it’s not working and the women are in full-on revolt mode.

Queen Asshole asks if they can finish their conversation and he agrees. While they chat about … nothing … inside, TEETH is telling people that she recognizes Unwelcome as they both live in Chicago, and she insists that Unwelcome is “sketchy” and not here for Matt James.

Unwelcome eventually interrupts Matt James’ conversation with Queen Asshole and tells him that she’s sensing a lot of tension from the other women. He goes on to have conversations with the other four new women, too, while the original group of women seethe and pout as if it’s the new women’s fault the producers decided to hold them back until tonight. Y’ALL KNOW THEY DIDN’T CHOOSE TO COME IN LATE, RIGHT? Y’ALL KNOW THIS IS A TV SHOW AND YOU’RE BEING MANIPULATED AND THAT YOUR BEEF IS WITH THE PEOPLE RUNNING THE SHOW NOT YOUR FELLOW CONTESTANTS, RIGHT? YOU DO KNOW THAT, RIGHT?

Anyway, it’s time to hand out roses:

Rose #1: Pizza Delivery
Rose #2: Mrs. James
Rose #3: First One
Rose #4: Gorgeous
Rose #5: No Accent
Rose #6: Pageant Reina
Rose #7: Dinogirl
Rose #8: College Student
Rose #9: Sexy Fish
Rose #10: First Impression
Rose #11: Dildo Queen
Rose #12: Queen Asshole
Rose #13: God First
Rose #14: Unwelcome
Rose #15: Doormat
Rose #16: TEETH
Rose #17: Miss Puerto Rico

And so, we must say our goodbyes to: Pickup Truck, Naked Chick, and Dresskini. Dresskini, we hardly knew ye. I am so disappointed we won’t get to see what else you packed.

The next day, Chris Harrison swings by the hotel to greet the newcomers and leave the first date card of the week:

“Pageant Reina; First One Out of the Limo; First Impression Rose; Unwelcome; Dinogirl; Miss Puerto Rico; Gorgeous; TEETH; Queen Asshole: Let’s fall in love. Matt James.”

Matt James has been joined by Ben Higgins, the world’s most boring Bachelor, and they, along with Chris Harrison, greet the women on the side of a pond. There, they explain that the women will be competing in an obstacle course for a “special prize.” First, they have to kayak across the pond in a carved-out pumpkin; they then have to put on a squirrel costume and dig in a pile of leaves until they find an acorn with their name on it; and then there’s something about a bucket and a footrace. It doesn’t matter: the humiliation is the point.

So they start the race, and the only things of note that happen are: 1. Queen Asshole hides Unwelcome’s acorn because she’s a cheating jerk; 2. Pageant Reina wins the competition because she’s crazy competitive; 3. and poor Gorgeous never makes it out of her pumpkin. She just kayaks around a small dirty pond in a giant gourd for the rest of the time. She very well might be out there still.

As for Pageant Reina’s “special prize?” It’s a trophy in the shape of some acorns: “these nuts are yours,” they tell her. GET IT? IT’S A THIRD-GRADE-LEVEL DOUBLE ENTENDRE. I CAN EXPLAIN IT TO YOU, HANG ON …

So, they go to the cocktail party, where TEETH is the first woman Matt James talks to, but Unwelcome is quick to interrupt. TEETH sends her away once, but Unwelcome returns, which TEETH later says is “disrespectful.” Which is also known as “how this dumb game is played.”

TEETH proceeds to go outside and with Queen Asshole who she tells she’s heard some rumors about Unwelcome. The “she entertains men for money” kind of rumors. The “she may have transactional relationships with men” kind of rumors. The “she’s an escort” kind of rumors. 

Oh lord.

Let me just pause here and point out this tweet:

Matt James gives the group date rose to First One and then leaves so that the women can spread more vicious rumors about Unwelcome, this time to her face. TEETH explains that since they are fighting for the same man, she wants to know if Unwelcome’s intentions are “pure,” because the thing is? TEETH has been told by people back in Chicago that Unwelcome is an escort.

Unwelcome — who I am now going to call Fleetwood Mac’s Rumors, or just “Rumors” for short — is stunned that she is being accused of being a SEX WORKER on NATIONAL TELEVISION, and is like, “I’ve had the same boyfriend since I was 16 … what is even happening right now?” Rumors notes that she feels like everyone is against her, to which Queen Asshole smirks, “OK, get out of the house.”


Back at the hotel, the next date card arrives: “No Accent: Let’s make up for lost time. Matt James.”

No Accent and Matt James are sent on an “extreme scavenger hunt” which means they go zip lining and have a ride in a hot air balloon. And according to the photos released by ABC, they also spent a little time in a hot tub, but that didn’t make it to air.

What did make it to air was the very natural chemistry between the two of them — they clearly feel at ease with each other and the conversation is flowing and they are making jokes and being flirty and yeah … these two, there’s definitely something there.

That night they have dinner at the resort’s car museum which makes as much sense as anything on this show. There, they talk about her work as a teacher during the pandemic, and how she knows she’s making a difference even if it doesn’t always feel like it. She also reminds us that being from Minnesota, the George Floyd crisis happened in her backyard and so the past year has been particularly difficult for her students, particularly her students of color. Matt James commends her for changing her students’ lives, and she compliments him right back for the work he does with inner-city kids.

“People don’t always remember what you say,” No Accent tells Matt James, “but they for sure remember how you made them feel.” And Matt James, is like, “Maya Angelou? It’s one of my favorite quotes.” AND IT IS GENUINELY ONE OF THE BEST MOMENTS I HAVE EVER SEEN ON ONE OF THESE TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE SHOWS.

It’s very sweet, it’s very genuine, I am rooting for these two, and I want them to get married now, please.


Back at the hotel, Sexy Fish, Doormat, and College Girl discuss the escort rumors about Rumors — which they once again emphasize are RUMORS, lest the ABC lawyers murder all of them.

As the final date card of the week arrives, Pizza Delivery bitches about No Accent receiving the week’s 1-on-1 date, describing it as “disrespectful.” And, ok, sure, but I need to know who she thinks was doing the disrespecting? No Accent? Matt James? Or the producers who FOR SURE encouraged Matt James to pick a new girl for the week’s 1-on-1? I would like an answer, please. I’ll wait.

“Dildo Queen; Mrs. James; Queen’s Gambit; Veronica from Riverdale; College Girl; The Model; Doormat; God First; Sexy Fish; Pizza Delivery: Are you willing to fight for love?”

The next morning before she goes out on the group date, Dildo Queen has a conversation with Rumors who tells her about the escort thing and how much it hurts. Dildo Queen is obviously sympathetic, and in an interview says that the petty mean girl stuff needs to stop. Dildo Queen asks Rumors if Matt James has heard any of this, before informing her that everyone in the house has because the gossip spreads like wildfire.

As for the date, the episode’s required allotment of Shirtless Matt James time is fulfilled with shots of him boxing in the woods. YOU KNOW, LIKE MEN DO.

The women arrive, and Matt James introduces them to five-time world boxing champion, Mia St. John, who regretfully informs them that they are going to be boxing each other in front of a “live audience” (read: the other women). Fun.

Boxing boxing boxing and some of the winners include: Veronica from Riverdale; Sexy Fish; and Dildo Queen. So watch your back, Queen Asshole, Dildo Queen does not fuck around.

They head to the cocktail party, and it seems someone raided Ron Burgundy’s closet again.

At the cocktail party, Matt James first chats with Veronica from Riverdale about how she’s feeling with the introduction of the new girls to the house. She admits that it’s not easy, especially since the women spend more time with each other than they do with him. When he asks what she needs from him, she’s like, “UH DUH THE ROSE.” And then they make out.

Mrs. James is next and she discusses how difficult it is to be vulnerable, but that every time she sees him, she smiles. They agree they are on the same page. And then they make out.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel, TEETH and Queen Victoria are talking shit about Rumors while on the group date, the women — except for Dildo Queen — are busy talking shit about how the new women in general and how No Accent didn’t “deserve” the 1-on-1 date.

Dildo Queen is like, “Y’all, I get it, but they’re here, we live with them, and let’s try a little thought experiment: what if you were one of the new women? How would that make you feel? At the end of the day, we need to get over it and welcome them to the house already.” None of these women are hearing her, and instead pat themselves on the back for being the OGs (original girls) and the “varsity squad” because they are mentally all children.

Having tried being the grown-up in the room, Dildo Queen decides to go straight to Matt James. She interrupts his conversation with the producers to tell him that the bullying in the house is out of control, the environment is completely toxic, and that there are disgusting rumors being spread that could literally — not exaggerating — ruin lives. What Dildo Queen wants is for Matt James to address it the next day when they’re all together, and he’s like, “Got it. Will do.”

So, if we’re going to keep bringing old Bachelor characters back on these shows, can we just hire Dildo Queen to be the franchise’s permanent anti-bullying coach? She doesn’t have to compete, she just embeds with the casts — The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, Bachelor in Paradise, Bachelor Winter Games, whatever — and she shuts shit down and reminds everyone that they are GODDAMNED ADULTS and that they SHOULD ACT LIKE IT ALREADY.

Finally, this is not bullying, but just reporting the facts: but the day this episode aired, Queen Asshole’s mugshot for shoplifting leaked. You don’t have to look at it, but I’m not going to judge you if you do.

Here are the ladies who were eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:

Here are the women along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Matt and whose nicknames could change as the show goes on, I dunno:

The Bachelor airs Mondays on ABC at 7/8 p.m.

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