December 22, 2020
IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE, THE BACHELORETTE FINALE IS HERE AND THERE IS NO STUPID “AFTER THE FINAL ROSE” SPECIAL AND I CAN FINALLY GET TO THE BUSINESS OF WRAPPING PRESENTS AND DECORATING AND BAKING LIKE A NORMAL PERSON THIS TIME OF YEAR.
But hey! In 11 short days, The Bachelor returns so … you know.
The final episode begins where the last left off: with Sukhasana in Tayshia’s suite, professing his love for her, and hoping to get another shot, an hour before her last rose ceremony. Tayshia reminds everyone that she sent Sukhasana home FOR A REASON (even if it wasn’t the one that she claimed), and spends a lot of her conversation seeming … unconvinced.
Sukhasana insists he’s never felt like this before and it scared him and he just needed her to know how he felt — he does not expect anything from her. Tayshia sighs that she wishes he’d told her he was in love with her earlier, and, again, Imma call bullshit on that: no one else told her they were in love with her until the Fantasy Suites — which was AFTER she eliminated Sukhasana, so let’s stop pretending that was the reason she sent him home.
Tayshia walks Sukhasana out where he asks if he can hug her, because our boy is good with the consent, and Tayshia not only hugs him, but she goes in for a long kiss.
One of the Zacs and Bobby Fischer show up to the Rose Ceremony where they don’t seem to be expecting anyone else — so I suppose they know Bowtie has self-eliminated (which sounds scatological, I am sorry)?
Thus, when Sukhasana walks in, they are … less than pleased.
Tayshia arrives and explains that things didn’t work out with Bowtie, but hey, Sukhasana’s back and she’s still trying to figure things out. To that end, she needs to talk to Bobby Fischer for a hot second.
Tayshia sits Bobby Fischer down and explains that though they had a strong start, after the Fantasy Suites and the conversations they had in that tiny RV, she has some concerns. At the end of the day, religion is a huge part of her life and this is going to be a roadblock for them. Bobby Fischer sighs that he worried it would be a problem, but that he does understand. It sucks and he meant every word about falling in love with her, and he hates that it couldn’t work out.
Meanwhile, every single person watching this: “HOLD UP, WHAT’S THIS ABOUT RELIGION? SHE’S DUMPING HIM BECAUSE THEY HAVE RELIGIOUS DIFFERENCES? WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?”
— Bachelor Party (@BachPartyPod) December 23, 2020
Ummmmm… as a total stranger watching Tayshia’s personal life play out for my entertainment, I DESERVE TO KNOW WHAT CONVERSATION ABOUT RELIGION HAPPENED BETWEEN HER AND IVAN!!!! How DARE she spring this on me!! And him, I guess. pic.twitter.com/MtxZsHS5Xp
— sonicetomemeyou (@sonicetomemeyou) December 23, 2020
— the bachelor & bitchelor 🌹 (@acceptedrose) December 23, 2020
Tayshia sending Ivan home because of religion???? In 2020 ???? In this Economy????? #TheBachelorette
— jimmy (@jamiedellapa) December 23, 2020
Here’s the thing: obviously the Fantasy Suites are about the sexy times, but they are also an opportunity for the couples to talk off-camera about more personal things. It’s clear the issue of religion must have come up during their time together in the RV, a conversation that we and the producers were not privy to. The question for me was not “When did this important conversation happen?” but rather, “What are their religious differences?”
So there you have it. As Leslie Jones said (and she was right), “he must not believe in God because I’m telling you God would have told him not to wear that turtleneck.”
— Leslie Jones 🦋 (@Lesdoggg) December 23, 2020
Goodbye, Bobby Fischer. Leave the turtlenecks in the bubble, Bobby Fischer.
Tayshia returns to the Rose Ceremony where she explains that while Bobby Fischer is an amazing guy, they just didn’t have a future together. However, she is confident in the two of them, so I suppose they have the requisite amount of Jesus in their lives.
Rose #1: One of the Zacs
Rose #2: Sukhasana
The next day, Tayshia is reunited with her family: her patient parents and her two handsome brothers. She explains that she’s gone from 20 men to the final two and that they are about to meet Sukhasana and One of the Zacs. First up: Sukhasana. He has a “fun story,” Tayshia tells her parents: she dumped him but he returned
because he didn’t respect her decision.
Her father clearly does not think this is a “fun story.”
Tayshia collects Sukhasana and introduces him to the family, explaining to her parents that he went to West Point, a point in his favor for her military family. They then toast to second chances. Indeed.
Tayshia first chats with her father, explaining that Sukhasana was one of the first people she thought she could end up with. Her father admits that he is impressed by the whole West Point angle before going on a bit of a ramble about wanting her to be with someone with whom she is on the “same page.” I have no idea what he’s talking about.
Tayshia’s mother chats with Sukhasana, who tells her that he can see spending his life with her daughter and having children with her. He then assures her father that he is in love with Tayshia, that he was an idiot who did not do enough to show her how he felt, but that he has never met anyone as incredible as his daughter.
In an interview, Tayshia’s dad says that he appreciates that Sukhasana copped to his mistakes — he didn’t have to do that, but that it demonstrates he is honest and has good intentions.
And then the entire family rides scooters with Sukhasana, Tayshia doing so in heels like a goddamned idiot who wants to break a limb.
The next day the family meets One of the Zacs who is visibly more comfortable and confident than poor Sukhasana. One of the Zacs talks about how Tayshia has made it clear how important her family is to her, that she “lights up” when she talks about her family.
Me, if I were Tayshia’s mother:
But Tayshia’s parents are polite and unlike your blogger, not assholes, and they just smile and nod and act like this guy isn’t blatantly and embarrassingly sucking up to them.
Tayshia’s father asks her on a scale of one to ten where she is with this One of the Zacs guy, and she claims an 8.95 — she’s just waiting to see how well he meshes with them. Her father then urges her to not rush to get engaged just to get engaged, there’s NO RUSH HERE, IT IS JUST A TV SHOW. Sounds like he’s impressed with these men!
One of the Zacs, meanwhile, is telling Tayshia’s mother that he is in love with her daughter and that her daughter told him that she is in love with him, too. Her mom asks where he sees himself in five years, and One of the Zacs gives her the only right answer: married to her daughter, the two of them falling even more in love with each other, and probably starting a family. Mom approves.
With her father, One of the Zacs admits that he has been married before (without diving into the whole drug abuse/theft/brain tumor issues) and that he thinks that he has learned from his past mistakes. Then, in another blatant attempt to stroke her father’s ego, One of the Zacs tells her father that Tayshia has made it clear that she is deeply grateful for every opportunity her parents have given her, and that her expectations are set really high, but that he aims to exceed them.
Then they all eat cold resort pizza. Yum.
The next morning — or I think it’s the next morning, but more on that later — Tayshia is preparing for a date when her father surprises her with a pop-in. There he tells her that he and her mother are worried that she might be about to make a huge mistake. They like both One of the Zacs and Sukhasana well enough, but they can’t bear to watch her get hurt again, and anyway, can they talk her into just going home with them right now? They could just get in the car and be home in about 90 minutes. Doesn’t that sound good? Going home? And not marrying one of these dumb boys?
Tayshia thanks her father and sends him away. She then explains to the audience that her father went through a lot with her during her divorce: he once sat with her in her car at 3 in the morning while she cried, and he has now had to endure watching his baby girl date a bunch of worthless dumbasses on THREE DIFFERENT DATING SHOWS, so she knows he’s coming from a genuine place of concern.
Still, she’s gonna do what she’s gonna do.
And what she’s gonna do is go on a date with One of the Zacs (while wearing a completely different outfit — again, we will discuss). After talking about her apprehensions and concerns about getting married again, Tayshia takes him to their final date: they are learning a wedding first dance because the Bachelorette producers very much believe in a throw-the-baby-into-the-pool-to-teach-them-to-swim philosophy on getting over one’s marriage jitters.
As they begin their class, Tayshia is tense and grouchy and bossy and stressed, but with One of the Zacs’ patience, she eventually calms down and begins enjoying herself and soon they have the dance memorized. See, because it’s supposed to represent their relationship, in case you missed them hammering us over the head with it.
That night, Tayshia goes to One of the Zacs’ hotel room where she admits she has worries: WHAT IF SHE DECIDES SHE WANTS TO GIVE UP HER CAREER AS AN INSTAGRAM MODEL AND BECOME A STAY-AT-HOME MOME IN FIVE YEARS WILL HE STILL LOVE HER THEN?
One of the Zacs is like, “Look. Today is my ninth soberversary. And what my sober journey has taught me is that you have to face life as it comes at you. So if you want to be a stay-at-home mom five years down the road, we’ll deal with it at that time. It’s all good.” And then they roll around on the bed and whisper platitudes at one another and I look at the time because I realize that we still have to squeeze in a second date and a proposal and there are only 40 minutes left and that hardly seems like enough minutes, frankly.
And I am not wrong. We spend all of the next five minutes watching Sukhasana take a shower, and Tayshia (wearing the outfit she was wearing when her father stopped by) become weepy and go to Sukhasana’s hotel room where she’s like, “It was fun but you’s gots to go. Again. Bye.”
A quick note before we say goodbye to Sukhasana, again. There was some tricky editing going on up in here: After she introduces the men to her family, her father pays her a visit:
Then Tayshia goes on a date with One of the Zacs:
Then the next day, Tayshia dumps Sukhasana, again:
She’s wearing the same thing in her conversations with her father and Sukhasana, is my point. I think what is going on here is that the conversation with her father happened on the same day she was supposed to go on the date with Sukhasana — that his date was first. So they talk, and she realizes she needs to dump Sukhasana. But they can’t air that date first because they still have an hour to go before the proposal and that would kill any remnant of suspense that might still exist regarding who she would choose (there was no suspense left).
Anyway, editing shenanigans! What fun!
As for you, Sukhasana, take care of yourself and SERIOUSLY, DO NOT GO TO PARADISE. I know you’re going to go to Paradise, but I still really think it’s a terrible idea and you should just date some nice non-Bachelor girl you meet in real life. Oh, and say hey to Top Chef Antonia for me.
Finally: proposal time. While One of the Zacs picks out a ring with Neil Lane (and manages to not be so terrified by Neil Lane that he goes fleeing from the quarantine bubble UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE, BOWTIE), while burbling about being nine years sober, Tayshia gets dressed and poses in her hotel room, all the while worrying that One of the Zacs might not propose to her.
Tayshia eventually arrives at the proposal station and … WHAT IS THIS? THERE IS NOT A SINGLE VASE TO BE SEEN. IS IT REALLY A PROPOSAL IF THERE ARE NO VASES? DOES IT EVEN COUNT?
Anyway, One of the Zacs eventually arrives and he yammers at Tayshia about loyalty and believing in him and how she drives him wild (gross) and she blabs at him about how she knew the first night that he was “different” and that he comforts her and that she’s ready to jump into more fountains with him and BLAH BLAH BLAH.
He proposes, she says yes, and then they walk away in that dumb cardboard taxi to live happily ever after on opposite sides of the country during a deadly pandemic that might not let up until next summer.
Congratulations, kids. I genuinely hope it works out for you both and that Tayshia never again competes on one of these Godforsaken shows.
The Men Who Have Been Dumped by Tayshia and Clare:
The Man who won:
The Bachelorette airs on ABC on Tuesday at 7/8 p.m.