‘The Bachelorette’: In which Tayshia (finally) saves the day

by Therese Odell, posted in the bachelorette: season 16

The Bachelorette
November 10, 2020

Last week, the producers realized Clare was messing up THIS ENTIRE THING by falling for The One, so they ginned up a quick proposal and then threw her and his shit OUT THE DOOR.

And I’m sure it was an easy decision to make when they clearly had Tayshia waiting in the wings in her own suite at the resort in the event Clare caught COVID or had to leave the show for her mother or because the producers realized after they cast Clare that they had made a terrible mistake and the vast majority of the audience actually wanted Tayshia to be the Bachelorette in the first place and also, too, it would be a good publicity move to cast a Bachelorette of color in the midst of a racial reckoning for this country, and as a result they needed to manipulate the situation to make it seem like Clare was choosing of her own volition to leave the show with the love of her life. You know, whichever.

In any event, the whole process goes smoothly.

We begin with The Bachelorette’s Second Chance Theater: Clare’s dumped men waiting patiently in the pool house to meet the replacement Bachelorette and talking about how excited they are to meet whoever it is. And then in the last dramatic reveal ever, she just … walks in, and is like, “Hey, I’m Tayshia, what”s up?”

Tayshia assures the men that she’s there for all of them, not just the one hot guy she found on Instagram a few weeks ago and that she is going to stick around for longer than ten days, PROMISE.

The first person to take Tayshia aside is Bobby Fischer, who is like, “I mean sure, I came here for Clare, but you’re absolutely more my type.” Tayshia’s response — and I’m not even kidding — is straight out of a Saturday Night Live sketch:

She chats with Groany McBadJoke, Esq. and Four-Eyes, who says that she is “the most beautiful thing” he’s ever seen. She also visits with Bowtie whose turtleneck is the only topic of conversation because Bowtie is apparently one of those dudes who substitutes fashion for a personality.

Inside, Grizzly Adams and My Cousin Vinny continue to have their doubts, convinced they had a real connection with Clare.

(They never did.)

Chris Harrison then interrupts the good times to bring Tayshia out to the driveway to meet four new guys:

Spencer (30; Water Treatment Engineer, La Jolla, CA): After greeting Tayshia fairly generically (she looks amazing, he wants to get to know her, blah blah blah), this jackass endears himself with Team A by asking them which of them was the one who scared away Clare. They do not find Smugness’ little joke particularly funny.

Montel (30; Gym Owner; Boston, MA): Montel also just basically says hello, so let’s take a quick looksee at his bio: “Montel is all about vision boards.” OH GOOD LORD, NO. Listen, I’ve ranted in the past about The Law of Attraction, “The Secret” and vision boards before, so I’m not going to spend a lot of time boring you with it again here, but the bottom line is it’s bullshit and you should spend more time actually figuring out how best to achieve your goals and less time cutting pictures out of magazines in the wrong-headed belief that the universe is just going to drop shit in your lap. /end rant

Peter (32; Real Estate Agent; Framingham, MA): Peter is also pretty boring in his intro, so here’s an interesting fact about him: he recently tested positive for COVID-19 and when he found out, the news upset him so much he got into a car accident. So, he seems calm and level-headed.

Noah (25; Registered Travel Nurse; Tulsa, OK): Porn Stache here is a nurse who has been working on the COVID front lines. I’m thinking he’d take the news of a positive test with a smidge less panic than our friend Peter.

The original men are obviously irritated with the newcomers, and Smugness being all smug with them isn’t helping matters …

… so when Chris Harrison arrives with the First Impression Rose, the panic sets in immediately.

Tayshia continues to visit with the men: throwing coins in a fountain with One of the Zacs; playing corn hole with Sir Dumbass; dancing with Sukhasana; learning that Porn Stache is not only a twin, but is one of 11 kids; talking to Faux Lou Perlman about what a dangerous rebel he is for not wearing a suit; typical first-night Bachelorette crap.

Finally, she offers the First Impression Rose to Smugness, disappointing all of the original guys. But! Good news for the other 19 men: there won’t be a rose ceremony that night because she wants to get to know all of them much better. I mean, that just means more people will be eliminated later, but sure, cheers.

But, before we can get to the first dates, for some damn reason, Chris Harrison is pretty sure we want to hear more from Clare and The One.

WHO ASKED FOR THIS? DID ANYONE ASK FOR THIS? BECAUSE I AM PRETTY SURE NO ONE ASKED FOR THIS.

Here’s what we “learn” about Clare and The One: Things are great; it was love at first sight; she was nervous on proposal night; he saw her in yoga pants and greasy hair one day and didn’t run from her screaming in terror; they SWEAR they didn’t communicate before the show and in fact, The One only got her phone number after they got engaged; and finally, these are extraordinary times.

Chris Harrison finally asks the couple what’s next: moving in together, marriage …

The One: I think, like, you know …

Clare: BABIEEEESSSS!111!!!!!!!

The One:

Keep The One in your prayers, everyone.

And now back to Tayshia. Chris Harrison delivers the first date card to the men: “Grizzly Adams, Groany McBadJoke, Esq., One of the Zacs, Four-Eyes, Porn Stache, Covid Car Crash, Faux Lou Perlman, Straightjacket, Eazy, Smugness: I’m here for a second shot at love. -Tayshia.”

The men then head out to the pool where Tayshia makes her grand Halle-Berry-in-Die-Another-Day-orange-bikini entrance.

The men:

Tayshia informs them that they will be playing a made-up game called “splash ball,” which is basically basketball but in a pool, and sends them off to gear up in their speedos and headbands. WELL, THANK GOODNESS CLARE ALREADY SENT INSTACHEATER HOME AND SAVED HIM FROM BEING OVERWHELMED BY THE VAPORS.

Aside from Smugness getting a completely intentional elbow to the face, and busting his lip, the game is unremarkable. In the end, Smugness, Eazy, Porn Stache, Covid Car Crash, and Other Zac win a barbecue, but all of the men are invited to the cocktail party to chat with Tayshia, so … who cares?

That night, Tayshia visits with Eazy who tells her he feels like he’s met his wife and that maybe the pandemic and everything else that has happened in 2020, all happened to lead them to this moment.

The families and friends of over 250,000 Americans who have died in this pandemic:

She asks One of the Zacs why he’s still single and he asks her the same question, which FAIR, before making out with him. She talks to Groany about how many kids he wants; to Four-Eyes about his manners; and manages to not demand that Faux Lou Perlman button his damn shirt already. It’s unbuttoned to your waist, my dude, did you have a stroke and forget how to dress yourself or something?

While Tayshia is off talking to the men about her future children and shit, Smugness starts making smug noise about being on the winning team and how the true winner will be the guy who receives the rose that night (and I guess because the rose ceremony was canceled, his First Impression Rose ended with it? What I’m asking is, is he eligible for this rose, too, even though he received one just the night before? I think he is, but who the hell knows what’s going on anymore). Faux Lou Perlman and One of the Zacs are like, “Ugh, quit being such a dick all the time.”

Smugness:

But Groany is not having it and calls him “lunch meat” to his face, so I guess we have a new nickname for Smugness.

In the end, Eazy receives the date rose to Lunch Meat’s disbelief.

Meanwhile, Bowtie receives the first one-on-one date: “Bowtie: Let’s start a journey to fall in love.” Wait, so did Clare and The One take the writer of the date cards with them, because these are just lazy.

Elsewhere, My Cousin Vinny is busy telling Dr. Joe he just doesn’t think he wants to stick around. He still has feelings for Clare, a woman he went on one date with, but that one date/therapy session broke his brain, apparently, and he’s just not able to get on this Tay Train.

So sometime after the group date (but based on what Tayshia’s wearing, I think it was actually after the one-on-one date with Bowtie), My Cousin Vinny tells the other men that he loves them too much to stay and waste people’s time, before heading to Tayshia’s suite to announce his imminent departure.

He explains to Tayshia that he fell in love with Clare (no, he did not) and that she deserves someone who is all in. Tayshia half-heartedly encourages him to stick around before confessing that this is her fear that was implanted in her head by the producers in search of a narrative: that the men were really only here for Clare and don’t want to date her. My Cousin Vinny assures her that the other men are REALLY into her and that they are good men before insisting that he is going to leave now, goodbye.

Your time in the bubble is over, Vinny. Enjoy life on the outside.

The next morning, Tayshia arrives on horseback to pick up Bowtie for their date, bringing with her another horse and cowboy hat for Fashion Plate here to wear. They then proceed to just ride in circles around the resort. 

Also, Bowtie is cute and all, but he hardly makes for a convincing cowboy.

LOSE THE STRAP, NERD.

As they ride around in circles through the resort, every so often Chris Harrison pops out of a bush to offer them a margarita or a coconut and just, JESUS, leave them alone, Chris Harrison.

They eventually make their way to a pool where they make out and Tayshia declares that Bowtie is “everything.”

That night at dinner, after telling Tayshia that he thinks he’s well-rounded husband material, Bowtie explains that in fact, he’s been husband material before: he got married in his early twenties to his childhood sweetheart but the marriage ended in divorce because TOO YOUNG.

Tayshia asks if he wants to know her thoughts before revealing that she is probably more understanding than he might think: as she ALSO got married way too young and ended up divorced!

They bond over the fact that they were both nervous over telling the other about their divorces, before moving on to the kid question. When he doesn’t blink when she tells him that she wants five kids, Tayshia gives him the date rose and then they go watch the “private” fireworks show.

Tayshia ends the episode saying that kissing Bowtie feels like “kissing my person,” and “I feel like I could marry him.”

The Men Who Have Been Dumped by Tayshia and Clare:

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The Men Who Are Going to Soon Be Dumped by Tayshia:

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The Bachelorette airs on ABC on Tuesday at 7/8 p.m.

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