‘The Bachelorette’: Well, that escalated quickly.

The Bachelorette
November 5, 2020


Last we left our geriatric Bachelorette, she had actively un away from the rest of the Bachelors so as to make out with The One; when she was forced to interact with the rest of the Bachelors, she only talked about The One; and then, when The One was not on the date, she refused to hand out any roses to anyone not named The One.

We begin with this episode with the other Bachelors, the producers, and all of America agreeing that this is completely unsustainable. So Chris Harrison goes in to break it to Clare: the other men know perfectly well that she’s into The One and that they don’t have a chance and they’re pissed.

Clare admits that she is “head over heels in love” with The One, and Chris Harrison is like, “OK, that’s a lot. Were y’all communicating over the COVID break?” Clare swears on her dead father’s grave that they were not …

… but she was Instagram stalking him and Momma liked what she saw. Clare goes on to say at her age, she knows what she wants and that she doesn’t need to dick around: The One meets her needs “emotionally …”

… and he’s the man she’s been looking for. Chris Harrison notes that she’s waited so long for this and as Clare begins crying, Chris Harrison also wipes away a tear.

Clare agrees that she doesn’t want to waste anyone’s time, and in fact, she only wants to spend time with The One, at which point Chris Harrison is like, “alright, I’m calling it. We’re done here (sorta).”

Chris Harrison then goes to the other men and announces that, “Clare is emotional and there won’t be a cocktail party or a rose ceremony tonight. But also, The One? Let’s talk.” And then this messy bitch turns on his heel and leaves without explaining further to the other men.

Outside, Chris Harrison explains to The One that the reason they’re not having a rose ceremony that night is that Clare just wants to spend time with him, so go get dressed for dinner, big guy, and try not to rip your pants.

Meanwhile, the other men:

And bless these sweet dumb babies, some of them just can not wrap their heads around the fact that as of right now, their time on Clare’s season is done. “It’s too early!” they protest, “she couldn’t have possibly made her choice already!”

Oh, my sweet summer children.

That night, Clare and The One have their very first dinner together — THAT’S RIGHT, THEIR FIRST DINNER — where she explains that she wasn’t able to give her rose to any of the other men on her date the night before because she was only thinking about him. Clare goes on to tell him that he reminds her of her father, that he’s strong and compassionate, and that’s what she’s been looking for because Jesus Hillary Christ, does this girl have daddy issues.

They then share stories about how their respective parents met and apparently, after meeting their mothers, both fathers hitchhiked some distance to see them again. So I suppose the only way to determine whether this is for real or not is to split these two up and see if The One can hitchhike his way from South Dakota to California to prove his love for her.

After bonding over dead parents, Clare decides to make her big move and tell The One that she’s in love with him and The One is like, “LOL, OK, sure. Me too, why not?” 

And then as some adult contemporary duo croon some song we’ve never heard (and I have A TON of questions about their COVID procedures — have they just been hanging out in the resort this whole time?), Clare and The One have their required first dance before heading to Clare’s suite to get to The Business.

Back at the clubhouse the next morning, the other men are like, “wait, where’s The One? Did he ever come back?”

Oh, babies.

So after Clare kicks The One out of her suite and spends some time monologuing about how she never expected this to happen this way, but that she can see spending herself spending the rest of her life with The One, Chris Harrison pops back in again for an update.

Chris Harrison asks her how the night went and she says, “Amazing, I needed that so bad.” OH, WE ALL KNOW THAT, CLARE.

Chris Harrison confirms that she told The One that she loved him and that he replied in kind, before being like, “Welp, this is The Bachelorette, you know what happens next: BREAK OUT THE VASES, IT’S PROPOSAL TIME.” Clare says “OH MY GOSH” about fidjittey-three times before half-wondering if The One is ready for this huge step, too. (Don’t worry, Clare: the proposals on The Bachelor and The Bachelorette only count for half of a real proposal, and considering the swiftness of this one, I’m pretty sure it will only count as a quarter of a real one. Ain’t no one going to be mad when this falls apart in a month, I promise.)

But first, Clare must break the news to the other men who still have no idea what is happening. She opens by saying that they’re all amazing men, but she found the love of her life in The One, so she’s dumping their asses.

The men are stunned silent for a hot minute until Faux Lou Perlman demands that she apologize to them. But Clare is like, “The fuck I will. I will apologize if you got your fee-fees hurt, but I’m not going to apologize for falling in love and choosing to not lead the rest of you on for eight more weeks.”

Bobby Fischer and Sukhasana step up to commend her bravery and honesty and then everyone goes in for a group hug, before Clare leaves them once and for all. BYEEEEEE! YOU NEVER HAD A CHANCE, GOODBYEEEEEEEE!

The men are definitely hurt, though, and Vinny pouts that his heart has been crushed; Grizzly Adams whines that he BOUGHT A BOOK ABOUT ALZHEIMER’S FOR HER, Y’ALL, HE CAME DANGEROUSLY CLOSE TO READING FOR HER; and Faux Lou Perlman is like, “So do we go home now or … ”

But no time for answers, we have the single most boring part of any of these series to get to: the proposal. Chris Harrison FaceTimes Neil Lane to demand a ring TODAY, before going to chat with The One. There, Chris asks if he’s in love with Clare and The One is like, “Sure.” And then Chris Harrison drops the hammer: Clare broke up with the rest of the men and she’s waiting for a proposal. LIFE COMES AT YOU FAST, BUDDY.

Meanwhile, Clare is in her suite sobbing because she’s terrified the guy she declared her love for after knowing him two and a half weeks isn’t going to propose to her.

So Chris Harrison stops by to serve as her support raccoon and urges her to trust herself.

And a few hours later, Clare is in an evening gown yammering about how this was a long time coming (it literally was not) and that The One is the man of her dreams. She then waits at the proposal platform surrounded by the proposal vases, but instead of The One joining her, Chris Harrison comes out to serious face at her that he has something he “needs to tell her” — terrifying poor Clare — before pulling the ol’ switcheroo and telling her that he and the producers are “so proud” of her.


Finally, The One comes out and Clare yammers at him some more about how he reminds her of her dead dad, and that she knew it was him from the moment she slid into his DMs he stepped out of the limo. He responds that his dead mom would approve of her, before telling her again that he loves her and wants to make her happy every day. He drops to one knee, asks her to marry him, and the music swells. “PUT THAT RING ON MY FINGER, I WAITED A LOT OF YEARS FOR THIS,” a not-at-all-desperate woman yells at a man she’s known for a fortnight. And then she offers him the final rose thereby making it Bachelorette official.

Your time in the bubble is over, guys. Enjoy life on the outside.

As for the rest of the men, they pack their suitcases and their manicured beards before heading into the clubhouse to whine about how much it’s going to suck to go home the next day.

Chris Harrison arrives and apologizes to them for the stressful past 24 hours, and explains that what happened was unprecedented on the show. He assures them that Clare swore that she hadn’t communicated with The One before filming began, but in any event, last night, The One proposed and Clare said yes. The ultimate goal was to help Clare find love, so …

BUT! PLOT TWIST! Chris Harrison and the producers also agree that this show is about them, too, so their “journey” is not over. They need to figure out where their heads are at, and whether they want to stick around and meet someone new, or if they are so stuck on a woman they knew for a grand total of MAYBE 17 days, that they just can’t stand it and need to go home.

Vinny wants to know how much time they have to figure their shit out, and Chris Harrison explains they have until tonight. If they want to stay, be dressed and ready.

And then there is a good 10 minutes of hand-wringing by the men about WHAT THIS ALL MEANS, especially by My Cousin Vinny and Grizzly Adams, and how much time they invested in Clare. GRIZZLY ADAMS BOUGHT A BOOK, YOU GUYS. A BOOK.

That night, the men arrive to meet the new Bachelorette, talking about open minds and open hearts and other dumb platitudes, while they all wait to see if Vinny and Grizzly Adams will show up. And the stakes are so non-existent for the audience if these two dudes who we barely know choose to stay on the show that it took me two viewings to realize the producers were trying to create tension around this. Who ~ and I can not stress this enough ~ fucking cares?

Chris Harrison arrives, greets the men, and thanks them all for taking this leap of faith, noting that they never really had a chance with Clare. But! now they DO HAVE A CHANCE. PROMISE. PINKY SWEAR. They are about to meet a new Bachelorette. She is beautiful, incredible, smart, and independent and really wants to find love. (Of course, so did Clare, so there’s no guarantee that this woman won’t fall in love with one of them at first sight as well, BUT I DIGRESS.)

Chris Harrison then explains that he’s going to go out and retrieve her, and that one of them might be about to meet his wife.

And then to absolutely NO ONE’S surprise, out of the limo steps Tayshia. Chris Harrison welcomes her, tells her she has a great group of men waiting for her, and then plants the seed of doubt in her mind that they will use to create a narrative for at least the next few episodes: is she afraid the men won’t accept her because they came there for Clare? WELL, IF SHE HADN’T BEEN BEFORE, CHRIS HARRISON … But Tayshia insists that it’s the right moment and time and she’s READY TO GO AND MAYBE Y’ALL SHOULD HAVE ASKED HER TO DO THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE, CHRIS HARRISON.

The Men Who Have Been Dumped by Clare:

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

The Men Who Are Going to Soon Be Dumped by Clare:

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

The Bachelorette airs on ABC on Tuesday at 7/8 p.m.

*I’m almost ten years older than Clare. I get to call her old because it’s a joke.

Leave a Reply