The Real Housewives of New York
“Ain’t No Party Like a Hamptons Party”
April 23, 2020
We were left hanging in the previous episode with a dramatic “TO BE CONTINUED,” but all that was happening was Ramona was on the phone with The Countess urging her to come back to her house, hardly the stuff of cliffhangers.
On the call, The Countess pouts that she is always treated as the “bottom of the totem pole” BUT ALSO TOO SHE IS NOT A SPOILED BRAT, THEY ALL KNOW THAT.
Ramona convinces The Countess to do the bare minimum and return to her house to hang out with the rest of them, and The Countess is like, “FINE, BUT I’M NOT GOING TO SLEEP WITH THE SPIDERS, I HAVE MY OWN LAIR BED TO SLEEP IN.”
That bit of nonsense resolved the women head upstairs where they inform Ramona that they will not be attending another boring Hamptons party with her boring social-climbing friends, upending her plans for the night. And then Sonja whines some more about being accused of being a trophy wife. NOTE: She was absolutely a trophy wife.
Leah, who is new to this circus, finds Sonja “hilarious,” and by “hilarious” she means “sad” and “pathetic.” She explains that the night before, Sonja told her that she didn’t marry the banker, she “married the bank” and that she had a private island and a yacht. Which, you know, good for her! But she doesn’t have the private island or the yacht anymore and it’s time to move on. That yacht has sailed.
Later that day, Ramona’s 30-something hot Italian tennis coach arrives to train Ramona and The Countess, and neither lady is subtle about keeping it in their pants. When they’re done with tennis, The Countess asks Italian Tennis Coach if he’s single, before suggesting that he might meet someone when he least expects it … like maybe today.
And he responds, “I don’t know about today.”
I’m embarrassed for everyone. I am dying from the cringe.
After their unsuccessful attempts to seduce Italian Tennis Coach, it’s time for lunch. And even though Ramona has hired help who is busily setting up the table, Ramona snaps at Leah a sarcastic, “THANKS FOR SETTING THE TABLE. THERE ARE NO FORKS AND KNIVES, LEAH.” Everyone is like, “Woah, what the fuck?” except for Leah who shrugs and goes outside to check for flatware.
Dorinda scolds Ramona for attacking one of her guests and treating Leah (again) like the help, which is admittedly weird, but it’s even weirder that she chooses Leah of all people, the new girl that she barely knows? What is that even about? I have a theory that there’s something about Leah and Tinsley that reminds Ramona of her daughter and her daughter’s friends, and that’s why she treats them not as equals, but like lazy kids who aren’t pulling their share around the house. But who even knows what rattles around in that pinot grigio-pickled brain of hers.
They eat some lunch and Ramona forces The Countess to play her dumb vulnerability game, adding extra vulnerability points as The Countess is the only one playing. But The Countess loves nothing more than talking about herself, and she shares that she struggled to not drink at the party the night before. AND REALLY, WHO COULD BLAME HER? Also, it sucked that Leah, this person she has known all of five minutes, chose to drink. HOW DARE SHE. They are really initiating this girl by fire.
After lunch, a pair of dog groomers Sonja has ordered arrive to fluff Marley, and one of them looks like a former International Male catalog model. The Countess literally can not keep her tongue in her mouth.
When the groomers are done washing and drying the dog, The Countess begs our International Male model to give her a massage and he complies to everyone’s (but her) discomfort.
I’m embarrassed for everyone. I AM OFFICIALLY DEAD OF CRINGE, NOTE IT ON MY DEATH CERTIFICATE.
That night, the women decide to just hang out together at Ramona’s house because fuck her fancy friend’s fancy party. They make dinner and drink silly drinks and are having fun when some rando dude wanders in, and Ramona has to explain that this is “Jeff,” her only Hamptons friend who agreed to forgo her fancy friend’s fancy party and come to her house instead. And everyone is like, “Yeah, but we didn’t discuss Jeff? And we thought it was just going to be a ‘pussy party?'” (Leah’s words, not mine.)
But Jeff is undeterred and proceeds to hit on The Countess while telling her that he previously hit on her and she gave him her number. The Countess has no recollection of this, but it definitely sounds on brand.
As night falls, Ramona lights a ring of tiki torches around her pool, while Tinsley and Leah consume a considerable amount of vodka, enough to get good and white girl drunk. They begin playing beer pong, though it is probably more accurately described as fruity girly drink pong. Inside, Sonja whips out a dildo and begins yelling about how Jeff needs to get the fuck out of Ramona’s house. When she and Leah begin rolling around on the kitchen floor, hitting each other with said dildo, Jeff obliges.
Somewhere in here that Elyse woman shows up again, in time for Dorinda to become drunk and teary and angry at Ramona for cracking a joke earlier that Dorinda and Fudgie the Whale would be over within two years.
Dorinda and The Countess agree that Ramona was being cruel and insensitive — OK, but have they met her? — but Ramona just shrugs that she saw Fudgie asking other women for their phone numbers when Dorinda wasn’t there. What’s she going to do, lie about it? “WELL YES,” seems to be Dorinda and The Countess’ reply.
Meanwhile, outside, Leah has stripped down naked and lept into the pool, luring an underwear-clad Tinsley into joining her. And even though she is inside when this happens, Sonja seems to sense that someone is undressing nearby, and heads outside to also strip down and join them.
Leah, feeling rowdy and Antifa-y, focuses her attention on the tiki torches, which she associates with hate …
… for some reason, and she begins dousing them with water, and throwing them into the bushes. Fortunately, they do not start any fires, small or otherwise.
Eventually, the naked swimmers go back inside and get dressed, Leah putting on a mesh shirt with no bra which, of all the insanity that has taken place so far, is the thing that actually scandalizes these women. Dorinda forces Leah into more clothes and in the process discovers one of Leah’s tattoos: a pair of wings on her mons pubis. Dorinda demands to know why she has wings on her “vagina” (she does not), and Dorinda explains it’s because “it flys.”
Listen. It’s as good an answer as any.
When they rejoin the other women, Ramona announces it’s been fun, but she’s headed to her fancy friend’s fancy party, BYEEEEEEE. Sonja is OUTRAGED that Ramona would abandon guests in her house to go to what she considers a better party, but, again, I ask you: HAVE YOU MET HER? And as Ramona walks out the door, The Countess isn’t far behind because there’s nothing worse than being the only sober person in a room full of drunks.
Back in the kitchen, Sonja is screaming at Elyse for calling her an “accessory” which in turn leads to Leah to scream at Sonja and Tinsley to LET GO OF ALL THEIR SOCIALITE SHIT, IT’S NOT 1985 ANYMORE IT’S OVER. SONJA ISN’T A MORGAN AND TINSLEY ISN’T A MORTIMER.
Again:
She’s not.
At some point, a drunk Sonja takes a pee and a drunk Leah follows her into the bathroom to kneel before her and tell her that she is only saying this for her own good: Sonja is more than some bitch who married a Morgan, and she needs to let go of the name. And Drunk Leah’s not wrong! Again, I agree! But the thing that Leah doesn’t quite understand is that it’s not just a name for Sonja and Tinsley: their married names are their brands and their brands are EVERYTHING. So, no, they’re not going to be changing anything anytime soon.
Also, leave people alone when they are peeing, please and thank you.
The next morning … is rough.
Dorinda and Sonja climb into bed together to do face masks and gossip about what happened the night before.
Meanwhile, Ramona finds her kitchen in complete disarray, with a hungover Leah hovering by the sink, promising to clean it up. And while the kitchen is bad, it’s the backyard that sends Ramona into a tizzy, what with the tiki torches thrown all over the place, and glasses and bottles and tiki fuel floating in the pool … IT’S A DISGRACE, Ramona screams.
She then yells at Sonja TO GET DOWN HERE, while Leah begins piecing together her own memories of the night …
Sonja and Dorinda try to hide under the covers as Ramona RAGES, but she finds them and demands to know what happened the night before? WHO THREW THE TORCHES? Sonja points out that Ramona doesn’t know because she abandoned them for a better party, and Ramona is like, “yeah, I did and I got a date out if it … BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT.”
Ramona and Dorinda head back downstairs to survey the damage and Leah is like, “LOL, WHOOPS, IT WAS ME.” But, in the meantime, she’s cleaned the entire kitchen, so friends again?
Dorinda and Ramona go into the backyard and Dorinda is all, “Yeah, this definitely sucks and I can’t imagine anyone ever going to a friend’s house and treating it so disrespectfully, CAN YOU?”
So Ramona, Dorinda, Sonja, and Leah pick up the backyard until someone wonders, “Where’s Tinsley?”
Tinsley? OH, SHE’S JUST BEING A GODDAMNED QUEEN. YOU LET HER SLEEP, LADIES.
The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo.