The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“To Live and Text in Beverly Hills”
April 22, 2020
So, Dorit has moved into a new house. Dorit describes it as a 9,000 sq. foot “modern farmhouse” with six bedrooms, a movie theater, and an inadequate master closet. Dorit’s Insufferable Husband promises her that the closet situation can and will be remedied.
Dorit explains that they never thought of their old house as their “forever home,” perhaps because they didn’t actually own it outright? What I’ve seen is that Dorit’s Insufferable Husband and a “nightclub tycoon” named Sam Nazarian bought the house together through a joint trust for $6.5 million. Then, using Mauricio’s real estate company, the plan was to sell the house for $12.7 million, except … there were no takers. So over the course of a year, new real estate agents were brought in and the price was cut by $5.8 million — bringing the price down to $6.9 million. It is still on the market.
BUT! Don’t get too attached to this new “modern farmhouse,” because the Dorits have put it on the market, too. Having paid $6.5 million for it in August of last year, these
scammers real estate investors have put it on the market this month for $9.5 million, because, I guess, they are still operating under the illusion that having a Real Housewife live in a house for 12 months increases a property’s value by some 50% despite this theory being utterly disproven by the previous property? That, or they just could never settle on a plan for that master closet.
None of this goes far in dispelling the ongoing rumors that the Dorits are in dire financial straits, of course, which is why in an interview, one of the producers is like, “What’s the deal, guys? Why is this new modern farmhouse that you just bought in Dorit’s name only? Why isn’t Insufferable Husband’s name on the deed?” And they’re like, “WHAT’S IT TO YOU?”
Dorit and Her Insufferable Husband then mope around in the kitchen for a while about how his bank accounts have been frozen and how she shouldn’t be dragged into his whole mess, as it all stems from before the two of them met.
Back in the interview, Her Insufferable Husband gives a brief rundown of his work history: he was a real estate broker, things were good until they weren’t and now he’s broke but everyone is pretending that he isn’t, also somehow Boy George, the end.
Garcelle is also showing off a new house to actress Ali Landry, best known as “The Girl From That Doritos Super Bowl Commercial Twenty Years Ago.” Garcelle explains that she needed a change in her life but wanted to wait until her twin sons had finished elementary school before uprooting them.
She then revisits her divorce drama from her husband of nine years: she asked to use his phone, she found a text from another woman telling him that she loved him, he admitted to having an affair for FIVE YEARS, so Garcelle sent a letter to everyone they knew including his coworkers at the agency where he was employed explaining that he was a cheating-ass CHEATER, and now they’re divorced. And the way she tells this story feels like it happened six months ago, maybe a year, but it happened in 2010. Ten years ago.
FUN FACT YOU WON’T LEARN ON THE SHOW: Garcelle’s ex-husband and Bill Murray are second cousins. And now you will know that thing forever.
Elsewhere, Teddi and Rinna go hiking and talk about Rinna’s daughter Amelia’s struggles to balance school and modeling and an eating disorder. Those are too many things to try to balance and it’s not going well. Amelia is skipping classes and having panic attacks and everyone at school knows who she is and it is TOO MUCH. Rinna reads what I can only assume is an Instagram story post of Amelia’s in which Amelia openly discusses all of the stress she’s under and how she’s afraid of growing up and that life is too short to spend it on things that don’t make you happy — so, you know, typical 18-year-old shit.
But Rinna feels exposed as a parent and worries that people hold her responsible for her daughter’s eating disorder.
I mean …
Kyle is still in New York doing … stuff. She meets with this Sutton woman for dinner and we learn that this Sutton woman is blowing her ex-husband’s money in the favored fashion of every rich white lady: she’s opening her own boutique.
“Good luck with that,” says 2020.
The two women talk about Kyle’s “fashion line” for a bit, and Sutton suggests that she describe it as “yacht wear,” but Kyle doesn’t want to scare off potential buyers who don’t own yachts. Because the name of the Real Housewife branding game is all about selling overpriced pajama pants to RHOBH viewers, Sutton. Sutton also suggests that she host a trunk show for Kyle when she returns to Los Angeles, they can play “yacht rock.”
“What’s yacht rock?” Kyle asks.
Over in Denise’s world, she and Aaron are settling into their new RENTAL home, Camille. They discuss the Charlie Sheen child support kerfuffle and explain that this is ALL ON CHARLIE. He hadn’t paid Denise in over a year, but she didn’t make a stink about it — he’s the one who went to court to declare that he didn’t want to have to pay for his children anymore, and she had a legal obligation to respond. And in the case of Denise Richards v. Charlie “WINNING!!!1!” Sheen, I’m going to have to side with Denise.
The other thing going on with Denise is that she has painful femoral hernias that she has to have an operation to remove. It’s very dangerous!
And sure enough, later that week Denise goes in for surgery, survives a 6-hour ordeal, and then rests comfortably, thoroughly doped up at a hotel far from her children. That’s pretty much it. That’s the story.
Girl, give me whatever you were on, and enough of it to get me through the end of this year.
Elsewhere, Erika and Garcelle meet for brunch where they compare notes on kids, and Garcelle reveals that in addition to her 12-year-old twins, she has a 27-year-old son who just announced he’s going to be a father himself soon. Erika, who has a 28-year-old son of her own, blanches at the idea of becoming a grandmother.
Oh, it’ll happen one day, Erika Jayne.
They also discuss Erika’s octogenarian husband, and when Garcelle asks how the sex is, Erika waves off the question.
Erika becomes teary thinking about
how old Mr. Girardi is what a good man her husband is, and the two women agree that they need to find Garcelle a billionaire of her own.
Later, we have a moment with Mr. Girardi when Erika reveals that it’s official: she’s going to be Roxie Hart in Broadway’s “Chicago.” He tells her that he’s proud of her, and she starts crying, AGAIN. Who is this person? When did Erika become a crier? Is she hormonal? Is she going through The Change or something?
As for Teddi, The Most Tedious Housewife has decided to invite her fellow cast members to a health and wellness retreat she’s forcing her coaches to attend. Because what could possibly be more fun?
Teddi texts the entire cast with the invite, and assures them all that there is no obligation to attend, but all of them are like, “OK, SURE, ALRIGHT.”
We end the episode with Sutton’s big boutique opening. On the ride there, Rinna tells Teddi that she won’t be able to stay at her retreat: she has QVC shit to do, and also, she doesn’t want to go. And Teddi’s all, “It’s fine! It’s fine.”
Narrator: It’s not fine.
Once at the party, everyone is very excited about Erika’s big Broadway news …
The Mayor of West Hollywood — which is a real thing, apparently! — delivers a speech welcoming Sutton to the neighborhood and toasting the new store. But instead of thanking him for his hospitality, Sutton bitches at him about parking tickets. Ah, welcome to the show, Karen.
After Sutton is done berating the mayor, she hands out gift bags to the women to thank them for the free publicity. There, Dorit explains to Teddi that she plans to attend her retreat, but will have to arrive after lunch and leave before dinner. Teddi is like, “IT’S FINE. IT’S FINE. NO ONE HAS TO COME WHO DOESN’T WANT TO COME. I DON’T CARE.”
Sutton, who is new to all of this, is all, “wait the fuck a moment: if you don’t give a shit whether or not I go to this thing I don’t want to go to why should I go?”
Teddi insists that the only people who should come are those who WANT to come, and, in fact, if they don’t want to go, she doesn’t want them there. BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T CARE. She doesn’t need them to “support” her, THANKS.
And with that, Sutton excuses herself to talk to the other guests, and thanks them all for coming, hoping that “it wasn’t a struggle.”
OK, GIRL. I SEE YOUR SHADE GAME, AND I APPROVE.
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo.