The Real Housewives of New York
Stooping to a Lower Level
April 9, 2020
Though most of the episode takes place out in the Hamptons, we begin the episode in some insufferable Manhattan rooftop bar where Tinsley, I guess convinced that she is going to make Sonja and Leah friends, meets the two of them for drinks. There, she complains some more about Dorinda and how she keeps questioning Tinsley’s relationship with Scott, which for the one billionth fucking time, is none of Dorinda’s business one way or another. Sonja shurgs that Tinsley isn’t being entirely honest about what she’s been up to with Scott — she even admitted at the reunion she’d been on trips with him, so. Which is true! But also, WHY DO THEY CARE SO MUCH?
Sonja also tries to suggest that Tinsley needs to be more forthcoming, but as Leah points out in an interview, Tinsley’s plenty forthcoming with her, probably because Leah doesn’t call her a hooker. I mean, it’s a fair point.
Sonja changes topics: Ramona is inviting them all to her house in the Hamptons, including Leah even though Ramona has said maybe five words to this woman. For some reason, the conversation then quickly moves to tattoos, and Leah admits that she has a bunch, including a tramp stamp of her name that she plans on having removed.
Sonja, the woman who washes her dildos in the dishwasher with her dishes, the woman who washes her thongs in her bidet, the woman who gets two margaritas in her and begins humping Bethenny’s leg, the woman who routinely forgets to put on underwear and strips on camera at a moment’s notice, the woman who hooked up with a Johnny Depp impersonator on the show and brags about breaking other people’s sinks while having sex on them, this woman is SCANDALIZED. After cracking a joke about men Leah has sex with needing to be reminded of her name, a joke I’m sure Leah has never heard before, Sonja clutches her pearls that Leah would “self-defecate” her body in such a way. If Sonja were a man and she saw tattoos on a woman she was about to hook up with …
Guess it’s a good thing Leah’s not angling to have sex with Sonja, then.
We then pop into Dorinda’s apartment where she and her housekeeper pack for Dorinda’s weekend trip to the Hamptons … and that’s it. That’s all that happens. It was absolutely not worth any of our time.
We head to the Hamptons where The Countess meets Ramona for dinner — but only after Ramona makes the rounds at the restaurant, offering her phone number to any and all available men. Ramona is in a place.
The Countess sighs to Ramona that she’s ready for a boyfriend again and Ramona confesses that she made a “storyboard” in her quest for a man.
I am very certain she did not make a storyboard, unless she was plotting out her fights and feuds for the season, which is not entirely impossible … but instead meant that she made a “vision board,” which is just an adult woman’s version of a 12-year-old covering her walls with photos of Duran Duran. Just because you put 30 Tiger Beat pictures of John Taylor over your bed doesn’t mean you’re going to marry him when you’re 21, pre-teen Therese.
Ramona then assures The Countess that for their upcoming sleepover, she’s giving The Countess the best room in the house: it’s big, it has its own bathroom, it is quiet, and it has its own entrance in the event that The Countess wants to bring someone back for a little …
They then discuss this new Leah person and The Countess reveals that Leah has also been arrested for assaulting a police officer, so they’re JAIL TWINSIES!
Because we have to fill this hour, we swing by Tinsley’s place to meet her poodles, Strawberry and Shortcake …
… who she went to China to rescue from a meat truck. Which is very noble and I guess if you are wealthy enough to fly to the other side of the world to save some dogs from being eaten, then great. I’m just saying there are a number of homeless dogs in the North Shore Animal League up the road. Anyway, the dogs supposedly only speak Chinese so she has to use her phone to translate, “eat” and “good girls.” Rich people problems.
Then it’s time for everyone to go to the Hamptons. The Countess, who is currently staying in
her her children’s Sag Harbor house, doesn’t really understand why she’s going down the street to sleep at Ramona’s but, sure. Why not. She was promised the best room, after all.
Dorinda and Sonja drive in from Manhattan together, and Dorinda admits that she didn’t give Leah much of a chance: she knows she shouldn’t be so judgmental, and find Leah guilty by association (by being friends with Tinsley). Sonja reveals to Dorinda that Leah has a “tramp stamp” and tattoos “everywhere,” and the two of them cluck their tongues at the inappropriateness of the whole thing. “This girl is gangster,” Sonja declares.
As for Leah, she and her mesh bucket hat, ride to the Hamptons with Tinsley who is in the process of losing her voice. SOCIALLY DISTANCE, TINS!
They discuss feeling like they’re on the defensive with these women, and Leah assures the audience that she can handle herself with some mean girls: she went to an all-girls’ Catholic school on the Upper East Side. These bitches got nothing on those girls.
Dorinda and Sonja are the first to arrive, and Dorinda brought a gift: a Frosé machine. HELL YEAH GREAT GIFT. ~frantically searches Amazon for a Frosé machine because it might be the only way to survive the rest of 2020~
The Countess arrives, followed by Tinsley, the bucket hat, and Leah who brought her own hostess gift: a candle.
Ramona thanks Leah for the candle and then is like, “so what’s the deal with the hat?”
And to be completely fair to Ramona:
Ramona insists she KNOWS from fashion: she was a buyer at Macy’s before launching her own company in her early 30s. Leah can relate: her parents kicked her out when she was 17 for being a rebellious monster who did all the alcohol and drugs, but then she started her own clothing line and everything worked out. Ramona is like, “Cool story, but I still hate the hat.”
Ramona then shows The Countess to her fancy private special bedroom on the “lower level” which is just a nicer way to say “finished basement” and The Countess is NOT HAVING IT. To Ramona’s credit, it’s a very nice finished basement with its own bathroom, entrance and living area, but The Countess is disgusted. IT’S A BASEMENT AND IT IS TOO COLD AND SHE CAN’T FIGURE OUT HOW TO TURN ON THE TV ON AND WILL RAMONA PLEASE TURN THE AIR CONDITIONING DOWN IT IS SO COLD. Ramona suggests she use a blanket, because she has no idea how the air conditioning works in her own home. The Countess is FURIOUS. RAMONA HAS SOME FUCKING NERVE.
Meanwhile, in her guest room, Dorinda is dealing with a whole mess out at Blue Stone Manor. Apparently the house flooded? And she had to rip out the entire heating and electrical systems? And it’s costing a goddamned fortune to repair? And she keeps being hit by surprise $15,000 and $20,000 costs?
And it’s all enough to stress her out and cry about it to a sympathetic Sonja. Dorinda explains that she feels like she is doing everything but nothing well, and that it’s exhausting having to do it all herself and not have anyone to lean on. Richard’s dead and Fudgie is worse than useless. Dorinda also admits that the whole thing has left her out of sorts and that she’s been not so nice to other people.
The other women join them, and Sonja also has questions about the bucket hat, which leads to a whole discussion of whether the word “touché” was being appropriately used in a sentence (the whole conversation is too stupid to get into, trust) and Ramona notes that while she agrees with Leah about the usage, can you believe she is agreeing about ANYTHING with a woman covered in tattoos?
Leah, who is not in her 60s, is like, “I mean, everyone has tattoos, it’s just not that big a deal,” but Sonja snips that NONE of THEM have tattoos. Ramona adds that she doesn’t even talk to people with tattoos, and Dorinda adds, “and if Ramona forgets your name you can just turn around and bend over!”
Leah, who does not know any of these women, is not amused.
As the Countess and Dorinda excuse themselves to take naps, Leah demands to know how Dorinda knows about her tattoo, and Sonja is like, “Oh, I totally blabbed everything. Alright! I am going to go take a nap, too!” and disappears.
Ramona, left with the two younger women, begins LOUDLY COMPLAINING that her guests are SO RUDE and just LEAVE THEIR TRASH FOR HER TO PICK UP. So Tinsley and Leah begin bussing the patio table while Ramona sits and pouts. A+++ hostessing, Singer.
Later, the women get ready for dinner, and Leah checks in with her daughter who complains that she doesn’t have any friends in her class and doesn’t fit in with anyone and Leah is like, “Trust me, I get it.”
Elsewhere, Tinsley is scolding Sonja for telling Dorinda about Leah’s tattoo, and Sonja protests that she was just being funny, and anyway, Dorinda has a lot on her plate and is admitting that she’s being mean to people so really, everyone needs to cut her some slack. Leah joins them and Sonja repeats this excuse that Dorinda is in a bad place right now, but Leah isn’t interested: Dorinda was rude to her and hurt her feelings.
With that, Sonja runs out of the room and Tinsley is like “Dude, you can not be so open about your feelings with Sonja, she will tell everyone and use it against you.”
And of course, that’s exactly what happens: Sonja runs to Dorinda and tells her that Leah is upset with her about the tattoo comments. Dorinda protests that she barely knows this girl: she wouldn’t know her in a lineup … which she has probably been in, and she’s never even heard her voice.
Dorinda, now fired up, goes down to where the women are meeting to leave for dinner, and informs Leah that IT’S JUST A FACT THAT THESE WOMEN DON’T HAVE TATTOOS. Leah’s like, “Yeah, that’s not the issue. It was the bend over comment and your delivery. It was a little hostile.” Dorinda insists it was a joke! It was funny! Sonja said it first! And anyway, she couldn’t pick Leah out of a lineup. Leah agrees and adds that it’s like Dorinda doesn’t even want to get to know her, at which point The Countess suggests that they all get to know each other better over dinner, before shoving everyone towards the cars.
The women arrive at the restaurant, and Ramona immediately begins working the room. She’s not a “socialite,” Sonja complains, “she’s a social heavy.” WORD PLAY!
They order drinks and Leah makes friends with The Countess when she orders a mocktail with her. “It’s tough to be around these ladies drinking all weekend,” The Countess explains in the understatement of the season.
The Countess then offers the women an apology for her behavior in the past season, but directs it almost entirely at Dorinda? For some reason?
And then as the food is being passed around Ramona takes a phone call at the table because she’s the rudest person on this show which is really, truly saying something. Sonja grouses that Ramona is trying to replace them with other friends, but instead of making it about Ramona, Dorinda notes that Sonja was “stirring the pot” a bit with her and Leah.
Sonja does not deny this because how the fuck can she?
But Leah, explaining in an interview that the tramp stamp comment was not the worst thing anyone has ever said to her, promises that in the future she will just come to Dorinda directly. Dorinda notes that Sonja was the one who brought up the tramp stamp, that she’s obsessed.
“I DON’T NEED A TRAMP STAMP TO BE A TRAMP,” Sonja declares.
Then, as Dorinda so colorfully explains, Ramona puts on her “Ramona costume with the tit plate out and goes to war,” scoping out the room for men.
And I, for one, am ready to go to war with the internet for not giving me a gif of Dorinda demonstrating a “tit plate.”
The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo.