The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
July 9, 2019
It’s finale time, but this finale is … different. It has all the components of a finale: a big party the women attend so as to possibly have one last row before the reunion followed by a “where are they now” update, but because Lisa Vanderpump VanderDitched the series halfway through and had to be filmed entirely separately, it feels weird and unresolved.
I mean, we’re really ending the season this way? With Lisa in only VanderHalf of the entire season? And without some final confronVanderTation with the other women to resolve things one way or another?
We begin with Kyle visiting with former Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’ resident shit-stirrer, her sister Kim. They talk about Kim’s grandbaby and how Kyle’s daughter is loving her new career of Being Employed by Daddy. Kyle invites Kim to The Agency’s big season finale party but warns her that Rinna is going to be there, and Kim’s like, “Thanks but I’ll need to check my calendar. I might have some salads I have to toss with my bare hands that night.”
Over at Dorit’s, she and Her Insufferable Husband discuss Camille’s shock attack on her at dinner the night before. Dorit repeats Camille’s allegations to Her Insufferable Husband under the laughable pretense that she didn’t tell him the moment she came home.
For those who have short term memory issues: Camille said that she didn’t know where the money for Dorit’s clothes and cars came from since Her Insufferable Husband had declared bankruptcy. He protests that he did so ten years ago, and that he’s rebuilt since. And thenhen they both make vague noises about a lawsuit in which they had been embroiled over Beverly Beach. Wait, what’s this?
Dorit finally hisses that while Camille is questioning where her money is from, let’s not forget where hers came from.
And with that, it’s time for Kyle and Mauricio’s big boring Agency party. Everyone gets dressed and then everybody calls each other from their respective cars to bitch about the once-a-year rain event that is making them all late to the party.
Dorit is escorted to the party by Denise and Aaron because Her Insufferable Husband can’t be fucked to attend; Erika and Rinna, both donning ridiculous wigs, serve as each other’s dates; and Kyle and Teddi are the first two to arrive.
They are immediately followed by Camille, accompanied again by some random friends whose names you don’t need to bother with and a HUGE fucking chip on her shoulder. She’s given some thought to how the other women treated her at dinner the other night and she has come to the conclusion that actually, she was the victim. HER HOUSE BURNED DOWN AND THIS IS HOW THEY TREAT HER? ATTACKING HER FOR BEING NICE TO LISA VANDERPUMP? HOW DARE THEY.
Camille greets Kyle with hugs, before announcing that she’s been thinking a lot about the other night, and she felt ganged up upon, which is a SHITTY THING TO FEEL. Why didn’t Kyle step up and defend her?
Teddi tries to step in, but Camille shuts that shit down.
Teddi stomps out to the lobby …
… where she is greeted by Erika and Rinna and their wigs. She explains that Camille came into the party guns a’blazing, and while she wants to defend herself from Camille’s awfulness, she doesn’t want to attack Camille or even be perceived as attacking her. And that’s why she’s pacing in the lobby with the women who are dressed like UFOs for some unexplained reason.
Denise and Dorit arrive soon after, and after joking that Denise is dressed like a high-priced hooker (“not the ones I know,” Denise laughs because she used to be married to Charlie Sheen) Rinna decides she’s going to confront Camille. She approaches Camille and asks if they can chat, to which Camille flatly says no. After being “attacked” the other night, she wants to wait a while.
Camille’s new husband:
Rinna’s like, “Bitch, we did not attack you. In fact, you acted like you were just fine, and you were the one that insisted that we have the conversation. What the hell happened?” Camille snaps that she “found her balls” and realized she shouldn’t have to apologize for saying something nice about Lisa Vanderpump.
Rinna’s like, “No, wait, you totally don’t understand the situation …” but Camille insists that the other women don’t appreciate the fact that she and Lisa have both suffered great losses recently. WHY ARE THEY COMING AFTER HER WHEN SHE JUST LOST HER HOUSE AND HER ASSISTANT? HOW DISGUSTING ARE THEY?
Camille’s new husband:
Camille storms off to the bathroom, where Denise follows her and is like, “Have you lost your damn mind? Do you even remember what you said on camera about Dorit’s Insufferable Husband? And now you’re out here playing the victim? Come the fuck on.” Camille huffs that Dorit was being mean to her first.
Denise, Unexpected Voice of Reason:
Meanwhile, out at the party, Kyle is trying to give a speech, praising Mauricio and his work ethic or something. Camille and Denise resume their conversation out in the crowd and are loud enough for Dorit to hiss at them to shut the fuck up.
Camille’s new husband:
But something Denise said to Camille registered because after speeches and given and toasts are raised, Camille approaches Dorit and extends an apology. She said some things and they were bad but her feelings were raw and anyway: sorry.
However, Camille is NOT sorry about the way she treated Teddi, and when Teddi confronts her about being condescending, Camille fires back that Teddi snubbed Camille’s daughter at the airport when they were returning from the wedding. Teddi’s like, “DO WHAT NOW?” But Camille is insistent that this happened and not for one single moment does she question whether a 16-year-old might have misread a social situation.
Denise, who is now wearing an Agency gimmie hat like it’s 2002, protests that this is nonsense: obviously Teddi didn’t snub Camille’s daughter. Camille yells at Denise to back off, and Denise finally drops the nice girl act:
Denise explains that she was married to Charlie Sheen, so she can handle some drama. Reminding us for the second time in one episode that she was once married to Charlie Sheen. #winning
With that, Camille leaves because she’s HAD ENOUGH. In the car, she thanks her new husband for “being there for her.”
Camille’s new husband for the remainder of this marriage:
After Camille leaves, Kyle presents Denise with some of the rosé they “blended” in Provence without her, and Denise is like, “Great. Thanks.”
And here is where the “where they are now” montage would normally happen, but because this is not a normal finale — LISA VANDERPUMP — that part has to wait some six months.
Kyle has all of the women, except for Lisa and Camille, over to her backyard for lunch where they all share their stories of seeing Lisa out in the VanderWild.
First, the women gossip about the opening of Vanderpump Cocktail Garden at Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas, and how Lisa wore a VanderCrown to the event. And you know what? VANDERGOOD FOR HER. Any chance you have to wear a crown, DO IT. The women confirm that none of them were invited — but hilariously, former Housewives Camille and Joyce were. (What, no Carlton?)
(Gratuitous side note: I mentioned to my husband that we had happened to be at Caesar’s about two weeks before the very generically named “Vanderpump Cocktail Garden” opened, and he asked if it was a poolside bar, before joking that if so, they should have called it “Vanderpump Pools.” YOU GUYS. THIS WAS A BILLION DOLLAR IDEA AND EVERYONE JUST LEFT IT ON THE TABLE.)
Rinna then shares a story about seeing Lisa in a parking garage right after she had her nails done. Lisa was fumbling through her VanderPurse with wet nails looking for money to tip the valet, and so Rinna offered her some cash. Lisa VanderHissed that she DID NOT NEED ANY MONEY, AND EVEN IF SHE DID, SHE WOULDN’T TAKE IT FROM RINNA.
Kyle then reveals that she ran into Lisa at Neiman Marcus, where she told her that she was very sorry about how everything turned out, and that she didn’t think it needed to be this way, only to have Lisa shrug that Kyle called her a VanderLiar, so.
Kyle protests to the other women one last time that she never called Lisa a VanderLiar, but that she’s finally come to accept that nothing is going to change between them. All she can do is say that she’s sorry and move on with her life.
The women then go around the table to talk about how wonderful their lives are, and that’s when we get the “where are they now” updates:
And with that, we head to the reunion, sans one Vanderpump, of course. VanderBye, Lisa. You were a queen, and I’m sad you went out with a whimper and not one last VanderBang.
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo.