‘The Real Housewives of New York City’: It’s not Mi-a-ME, it’s Lu.

The Real Housewives of New York
“More Than a Feelin'”
June 20, 2019

Picking up from where we left off: a completely hysterical Bethenny, having screamed her face off at The Countess in the middle of a Miami restaurant has to leave the restaurant to stop hyperventilating and is followed by Dorinda and Barbara. (And can we just pause here for a moment to ask who are the other patrons at these restaurants who don’t bat an eye while GROWN ASS WOMEN scream at one another while camera crews film the whole thing? Are they drugged? Are they crew members/production plants? “Hmm, I’ve got a LED Klieg light shining directly into my face and this overdressed middle-aged woman at the next table over is screaming at the top of her lungs at another overdressed middle-aged woman that ‘Life isn’t a cabaret’ for some reason, but all I can think about is how delicious this tostada is.”),

The Countess remains at the table with Ramona, Tinsley, and Sonja where Ramona insists that Bethenny, though out of control, was expressing what many of them have been feeling, and they wouldn’t be confronting The Countess if they didn’t care about her. The Countess huffs that she can’t believe all of this JUST BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO GO TO THE BEACH, and they’re like, “Dammit, that’s not why we’re upset.”

The Countess decides she’s had enough and gets up to leave and call a car to meet up with some guy who was at Ramona’s man-juggling party to … DUN DUN DUN! … get a drink!

dramatic prairie dog

Except she doesn’t, and moments later she’s back at the table with the other women in the most anti-climactic moment of the episode. She explains that she knew if she left, SHE WAS GOING TO DRINK, so, really, she’s both the victim and the hero here, when you really think about it.

Bethenny apologizes for making a scene, The Countess tells her that she feels terrible for not reaching out to her enough after Dennis’ death, and then everything is fine, I guess, because the next thing you know, everyone is back at the house, drinking some more, dancing on the countertops and Tinsley is pulling her tits out.

You know, the usual.

tinsley dancing rhony real housewives of new york

Not partaking of the partying is Bethenny who has retreated to her room to put on a robe and pack her bag because she is GOING THE FUCK HOME in the morning. Dorinda, who is lightly toasted, joins her and confronts Bethenny about not being honest with her grief, and always putting on a facade that everything is totally fine. But it’s not! And she needs to say it’s not! She needs to say that she’s sad! Bethenny cries and cries and agrees and cries some more.

And then at 6:15 in the A.M. she nopes out of there.

Everyone else follows BEethenny back home on their own schedules: Barbara leaves spray tan stains all over her room; Tinsley goes to Palm Beach to visit her family; Ramona stays in Miami to hang out with her Real Friends; and Sonja, Dorinda, and The Countess head back to New York City, Dorinda noting that while it can be crazy, she enjoys going on these trips with the women because …

rhony rela housewives new york dorinda cell mates can't say that

We return to New York, where we stop by Dorinda’s new apartment to give Bethenny a quick tour. There, Bethenny notices that Fudgie the Whale has no physical presence in the apartment.

what's up with that snl

Dorinda is like, “What, do you think he sleeps here? OH HELL NO. We take care of business and then I send his ass home.”

Respect.

Dorinda asks Bethenny if she’s heard from The Countess since the whole scene in Miami and Bethenny explains that, in fact, The Countess has texted her several times, but Bethenny hasn’t responded. Dorinda is like, “HUH. WELL, THAT’S FUNNY BECAUSE BITCH DIDN’T SPEAK TO ME FOR 8 MONTHS AFTER OUR  FIGHT IN CARTAGENA.” Bethenny recognizes that the situation is not exactly the same, but doesn’t correct Dorinda because what’s the point. But they both agree that the problem now is that The Countess doesn’t want equal friendships, she wants an audience. They’re correct.

As for The Countess, she is recording her new hit single, “Feelin’ Jovani.”

jovani rhony real housewives new york dorinda

And listen. I know this recap is taking place literally a year after this aired, but obviously you know the number one dance single, “Feelin’ Jovani,” that instant hit that took the world by storm, with incredible and relatable lyrics like: “One day at a time/ Keep it cool and I’ll be fine” and “Feelin’ Jovani/Feelin’ Jovani/Feelin’ Jovani/And it feels so good.”

oh my god this is my jam girl dance

 

Apparently, Ramona is making some sort of lotion and we peek in at the factory just so Bravo can assure her she got her free promo.

MOVING ON.

Sad news in Tinsleyland: Bambi has passed away.

rainbow bridge

Ramona and Sonja come over to console a completely — and NO JUDGMENT (I mean a little bit of judgment) BECAUSE LOSING A DOG IS ROUGH — pathologically distressed Tinsley. Bless her heart, she is a fucking wreck. Tinsley Goes into graphic detail about his death including the fact that she CALLED 911 WHEN SHE FOUND HIM NON-RESPONSIVE.

Quick sidebar here: calling 911 because your 12-year-old cancer-ridden dog died in his sleep is the second most ridiculous reason to call 911 I’ve heard of after the time my aunt came home from work and found a dead mouse on her sidewalk and decided she needed to involve the police. Hand to God this happened.

Tinsley declared that she is going to name her hypothetical children after her dead chihuahua — a decision that Sonja and Ramona gently discourage. Tinsley then explains to Ramona and Sonja’s horror that Bambi is currently frozen and they are going to defrost him so that her sister can cuddle with him one last time before cremating him.

Good bless Tinsley Mortimer.

Also, Scott sent Tinsley some ugly-ass Bambi-themed tennis shoes as a bereavement gift, which is just weird for so many reasons.

Later, The Countess stops by Ramona’s apartment for a visit. They discuss dating and whether or not Ramona is fucking Mario again. She says no, but I think we should check back in after COVID-19 comes to town.

They also discuss the Bethenny situation, and Ramona commends The Countess for returning to the table, noting that it took a lot of courage. She then, gently, tells The Countess to quit being so FUCKING SELF-ABSORBED. The Countess agrees that she has been self-absorbed and then, in the next breath, tells Ramona that she’s saved all of them a block of tickets to her Christmas cabaret show.

bethenny oh my god rhony exasperated

But Ramona, she’s like, “Yeah, about that, we’re not coming. I’ve planned a surprise party for Sonja and Dorinda at the exact same time, to celebrate the fact that we’re not going to another of your Goddamned cabaret shows.”

The Countess is SHOCKED! and STUNNED! But it’s her cabaret show! And Ramona is like, “Yeah, I know, and we’ve been.” But it’s her CHRISTMAS cabaret show! And Ramona is like, “Again, I hear you and I don’t give a shit. No one wants to go to it.” And then The Countess leaves in a huff, comparing the other women not coming to her cabaret show to her parents not coming to her school play. YEP! SAME THING. Exact same thing.

Elsewhere, Dorinda is entertaining her old friend/competitor Jon at her apartment. Apparently, back in the 80s, Dorinda and Jon were aerobics instructors who, after years of competition, put down their legwarmers and became friends.

aerobics instructors splits
NOT PICTURED: John and Dorinda.

Now, 40 years later, they have decided to put their combined aerobicize superpowers to use to raise money for the LGBTQ charity, “Live Out Loud,” and have an 80’s themed workout together. (NOTE TO SELF: Turn this into a TV series, but instead of raising money for charity, the 60-something former dancercise instructors use their skills to solve crimes. GOLDMINE IDEA.)

Basically, it’s an excuse for the women to put on thong leotards and headbands and prance around in a studio for a while.

Which is exactly what happens.

Ramona is the first to arrive, and she informs Dorinda that Tinsley won’t be attending as she is in a 40-day period of grief over her chihuahua. And then they gossip about the fact that Scott sent Tinsley grief shoes and how weird that is.

Everyone else arrives in their preposterous neon outfits, including Bethenny who invites everyone to come to her upcoming “‘Smores and Whores” party which is not problematic at all.

Bethenny also thanks The Countess for the “fuzzy snuggly” jacket that she sent over, and Dorinda is like, “EXCUSE ME? SO SHE CRUCIFIES YOU IN FRONT OF A CROWD AND YOU SEND HER A FUCKING GIFT? BUT YOU LEAVE ME IN GODDAMNED PURGATORY FOR 10 MONTHS AND LEAVE ME TO RESORTING TO TYLER PERRY QUOTES? THIS IS FUCKING RICH.”

The Countess is all, “mind your business,” but minding one’s business, and not holding grudges are not things we Italians are good at.

The class begins and it is amazing.

aerobics 1

After, Ramona tells Barbara about her “surprise party” for Sonja and Dorinda, adding that she knows Barbara is going to the cabaret show — she just wanted to make sure Barbara knew that she was invited. Barbara is like, “well, ‘invited’ once you knew I couldn’t come, but sure.” Barbara then encourages Ramona to change the time of the party so that the women can do both, and Ramona is like, “LOL, NAH.”

Barbara then tattles to Sonja that Ramona has planned a party at the same time as The Countess’ cabaret show, and Sonja is outraged: THAT IS JUST FUCKING MEAN. Ramona, in the meantime, is furious with Barabara for ruining the surprise — which was solely used as a tool to prevent people from ruining the party, but whatever.

The Countess, meanwhile, explains to Bethenny Ramona’s plan, and Bethenny is like, “I agree, it’s shitty. Here’s what we’ll do: we will all swing by the show before it begins, toast The Countess, SHOW OUR SUPPORT, and then leave and go to a bar and get our drink on while The Countess does her job.” And The Countess agrees, problem solved, everybody wins.

FOR NOW.

The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply