The Real Housewives of New York
“Caught Between an Ex and a Hard Place”
June 5, 2019
We begin the episode with Drunk Sonja’s drunken chin-first pratfall into the table:
And Bethenny and Barbara are all over it, taking off Sonja’s shoes, and checking her head for injury. Worried that she might have concussed herself and could die in her sleep, they decide to call the paramedics to check Sonja out, just in case.
Bethenny takes Sonja to her bed and after enduring Sonja’s groping and literally kissing her literal ass, Bethenny runs some quick cognitive tests:
Q. How many fingers is Bethenny holding up?
Q. Who is the president?
Incorrect but OH MY GOD when Sonja hit her head, did it knock her consciousness into a parallel universe where Clinton DID win the electoral college in 2016 because if so, GET ME A WHITE MARBLE TABLE QUICKLIKE, I’VE GOT SOME HEADBANGING TO GET TO.
The paramedics arrive and run some quick tests on Sonja all the while being sexually harassed by her, and declare that she is fine and can go to sleep.
MEANWHILE, Ramona and Tinsley go on with their plans to go out without Barbara, even after they learn paramedics had to be called for Sonja. And I feel genuinely let down by the internet that there is no gif of Ramona and Tinsley leaving the house, walking past the just-in-case gurney set up for Sonja on the driveway, pausing for a moment to note how “scary” it is, and in the next breath asking if the large SUV is their ride. It is — and I genuinely mean this — one of the most amazing and hilarious moments on any of these shows I have ever seen. There are moments and situations and certainly feuds that are obviously staged on these shows, but there was something in this moment, something so oblivious and self-absorbed and tone-deaf that was pure — and maybe the realest moment of any “real” “housewives” I’ve ever seen.
So, anyway, these two go to a completely empty club where Tinsley continues to whine about her breakup with Scott and how no one has sent her flowers on this trip (even though they haven’t even been in Miami for 24 hours but whatever) …
… and Ramona tries to convince her to date around using cocktail glasses as a visual aide. It’s as riveting as it sounds.
Back at the house, Barbara tells The Countess that Sonja hurt herself and they had to call the paramedics, to which The Countess responds, “after everything she said to me, I can’t look at her right now, it’s so hurtful, I CAN’T MOVE.”
The next morning, Barbara goes out for a run, and everyone else is in pain: Bethenny, Dorinda, Sonja, Ramona, and Tinsley are nursing hangovers, and The Countess is nursing bruised fee-fees, fee-fees which may never heal.
Ramona visits with The Countess after her yoga session, where The Countess complains bitterly about how awful the night before was for her. The other women are supposed to BUILD HER UP, not point out that she is a megalomaniac who spreads rumors about the others doing drugs, sleeps with their ex-boyfriends, and expects them to “celebrate” her at every goddamned turn. The Countess shares her theory with Ramona: The other women are jealous of her success. Ramona is like, “Yeah, I don’t think that’s it. I think they think you’re acting like an entitled brat.”
The Countess notes that Sonja has something of a bone to pick with The Countess, what with her telling everyone she’s hopped up on goofballs. The Countess protests that she wants to talk to Sonja about that privately, but how is she supposed to do that when Sonja is a drunken mess like she was the night before? Barbara told The Countess that Sonja hurt herself, but The Countess didn’t bother to check on Sonja because WHO CHECKED ON THE COUNTESS TO SEE HOW SHE WAS DOING? WHY DIDN’T ANYONE ASK HER IF SHE WAS OK WHILE SONJA WAS BEING EXAMINED FOR A HEAD INJURY?
The Countess then sighs that she is going to go to an AA meeting, and maybe she’ll see if Sonja will join her because GOD KNOWS SHE NEEDS IT WITH THE PILLS AND THE DRINKY-DRINKY AND THE WHATNOT. Ramona is like, “LOL, good luck with that.”
Inside, the other women are still talking shit about The Countess, Dorinda noting that one minute she feels bad for her, and the next, The Countess is treating her like less of a person and she’s filled with rage all over again.
The Countess then comes inside and asks to speak to Sonja alone. There, The Countess addresses The Fall, and how worried she is for her and her drinking issues. Sonja is like, “THIS FROM THE COUNTESS TEQUILA OF THE BUSHES? OK.”
Sonja complains again about The Countess telling people that she’s on some vague “pills” instead of coming to her with her concerns, and The Countess is like, “I’m talking to you now, so that’s got to count for something, right?” The Countess then invites Sonja to join her for the AA meeting and Sonja is all, “Yeah, let me think about that for a minute: No.”
The Countess goes to her meeting, and everyone else splashes around in the pool, and then they have lunch, and then they all go on an art outing at some artists’ complex. Well, they almost all go on the art outing: Ramona joins them on the ride to the studios before announcing that she’s actually going to go meet her real friends at a nearby hotel for a drink because she needs to “relax” before the big party they’re having at the rental house that evening.
Everyone else first visits some artist friend of The Countess’s, Peter Tunney, who seems like a friendly wannabe Andy Warhol. He sells a piece to Bethenny for $10,000, and then! Hilariously! Just gives away art to everyone else. He literally gives Tinsley a piece that is supposedly worth $5,000!
Just because cameras are there! For no good reason!
They then stop by an artist friend of Bethenny’s, Romero Britto, who is a friendly wannabe Keith Haring. There, Bethenny has arranged to give each of the women a sculpture that is supposedly worth $8,000. And I have questions. Did she pay for them? Did he just give them to the women, like Tunney? Was there some sort of reality show discount? What was the arrangement there?
In any event, Ramona doesn’t get one because she chose to go get drinks with dinks so too bad, so sad for her.
Finally, this party that Ramona is hosting at the house that she is sharing with the rest of the women. It seems she has invited Mario AND some new guy who owns a rum company who she may or may not be dating, or maybe is just interested in — or MAYBE is just using to make Mario jealous. Mario arrives first, and Ramona flirts shamelessly with him, setting him up so that when Sonja comes down and blurts out that Ramona has a DATE coming to the party, he is thoroughly SHOOK. Well, as “shook” as a straight 65-year-old white man can be.
Elsewhere, we meet Tinsley’s goofy younger sister, Dabney
Coleman, who lives in Palm Beach and, refreshingly, answers “nothing,” when Dorinda asks her what she does for a living. OWN IT, DABNEY COLEMAN. Tinsley whines to Dabney Coleman that Miami reminds her of Scott, and Dabney Coleman is like, “ENOUGH ALREADY. HE DUMPED YOU. IT IS TIME TO MOVE ON.”
And in fact, Dabney
Coleman and Bethenny encourage Tinsley to talk to some guy that Bethenny went out with once, but it ends with Tinsley giggling and blushing and running away like a 12-year-old.
The Countess flirts with some guy, who cares; Ramona kinda, but not really, flirts with her “date,” who cares. Sonja all but attacks some 35-year-old, who cares.
Dorinda swoops in and makes a toast before Ramona can do the honors, and in the process, thanks The Countess and Bethenny for taking them to visit the artists who gave them all such beautiful pieces of art.
Ramona: WHAT ART?
Finally, Mario and Ramona’s “date” meet, before “date” is ushered out stage left. It’s at this point that Sonja blurts out to Mario that Ramona was making out with Harry the Ex, to Mario’s surprise/disgust/jealousy(?). Dorinda suggests that they shouldn’t “cross-pollinate” and asks Mario if he would, for instance, cross-pollinate with her. When he replies, “NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT,” Dorinda suddenly becomes offended because those mojitos are some strong medicine.
The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo.