‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’: A VanderPolygraph

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“One Wedding and a Polygraph”
May 21, 2019

Listen. Not much actually happens in this boring boring SO BORING episode: Lisa Vanderpump takes a polygraph test that suggests she’s telling the VanderTruth about her involvement — or rather, lack thereof — with the Radar Online story; Camille gets married in Hawaii. That’s it. That’s literally all that happened in this boring-ass episode. Can we done here? NO? Ugh. Fine.

The episode begins with the previous episode’s BIG DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER: Lisa Vanderpump’s VanderPpolygraph VanderTest.

dramatic bird daniel craig snl 2

Lisa is accompanied by this John Sessa person and, obviously, Giggy. John Sessa hands the polygraph examiner a list of questions to be asked — which I’m sure will later be a point of contention with the other women, that Lisa Vanderpicked what to be asked, but unless the examiner is a huge RHOBH fan who has had access to footage from this season before it aired, how was he supposed to know what to ask her?

The test begins:

Do you live in Texas? No!

Do you know how to drive a car? Yes!

Do you think Dorit’s face has changed in the last year as much as her accent?

oh damn brooklyn nine-nine shit shade

Did you give the story about Dorit abandoning the dog to the shelter to Radar Online? No!

Do you know who gave the story about Dorit abandoning the dog? No!

Do you think you’ll ever forget the hurtful accusations made by your friends? NO.

Do you believe the women who accused you of giving the story to Radar Online are your true friends? No!

And with that, the polygraph is done, and the man she VanderPaid to determine if she is a VanderLiar determines she is, in fact, NOT a VanderLiar.

dead to me m'kay sarcastic okay

Over in Denise’s world, she’s visiting with ex-boyfriend and Starship Troopers‘ co-star, Patrick Muldoon, who she says is her best friend.

denise richards patrick muldoon starship troopers hmm

They apparently call each other “Schweet Babe.” This makes me irrationally angry.

Also, there was a period of time there where they didn’t hang out because Charlie Sheen was a jealous piece of shit.

starship troopers what's he gonna do punch muldoon

Also, we learned that Charlie Sheen once showed up at her house for Thanksgiving with a prostitute in the car and she had to invite her in for dinner, but that’s neither here nor there.

Anyway, Denise and Patrick are filming some sort of Hallmark Christmas movie together in Connecticut which is why she can’t attend Camille’s wedding.

Later in the episode, we are in Connecticut on set along with Jeannie herself, Barbara Eden.

i dream of jeannie

Denise and Patrick tell Barbara Eden that they love I Dream of Jeannie, but ask about the VERY anti-feminist message of Jeannie serving her “master,” and Barbara Eden insists that it’s not anti-feminist because Jeannie is a genie, not a woman and Denise swallows this bullshit whole.

anyway eye roll exasperated irritated

And then Patrick Muldoon bitches that their Hallmark movie doesn’t have any love scenes and just … schtop, Schweet Babe.

As for the main storyline, the women pack for Camille’s Hawaiian wedding, and BREATHE EASY, EVERYONE, Kyle’s bridesmaid’s dress managed to arrive in time. THANK GOD I WAS SO WORRIED.

The Hawaii group, which includes Kyle and Mauricio, Teddi and her husband Whosit, Rinna and Dorit, arrive on the Big Island, receive their leis, put their stuff in their cabanas, and then meet Camille at the beach.

Camille explains that Hawaii is where she ran away to when she was healing from her divorce from that asshole Kelsey, and now she’s marrying her next-door neighbor — so that’s normal. Camille also explains to the women that Lisa will not be VanderJoining them because she didn’t want to make Camille’s wedding to be filled with VanderDrama because of her fall out with Kyle.

Kyle:

Kyle Richards crazy eyes

And then everyone goes paddleboarding. Great, I guess.

That evening, they go to dinner at Camille’s house. Literally nothing interesting happens. I mean, at one point, Camille confides to Kyle that her mother probably won’t be able to make it to the wedding because she’s on the East Coast and has been sick for the past 10 years. Camille thought about postponing the wedding so her mother could attend, but then was like, “Nah.” But between that and the pasta that is served in an enormous wheel of cheese, nothing else even on this side of interest happens.

The next day, Teddi and Mr. Teddi hang out in the pool and discuss Teddi’s future career plans; Mauricio and Kyle have breakfast together and Mauricio suggests that they try for a son, irritating Kyle:

i'm fifty sally o'malley snl saturday night live

… and Rinna spends the day in bed sipping hot tea with lemon to treat the cold she brought with her. Looks like someone didn’t bleach down her last hotel room well enough.

And let’s just pause here for a minute to think about HOW HARD Rinna must be freaking out during this COVID crisis. How much bleach do you think she’s gone through?

Rinna when Trump suggested people inject bleach:

kambucha girl yes well no but maybe

That evening, this group goes out to dinner together, sans bride, and Mauricio is very high, burbling about second chances and soul mates and happiness. And everyone is like, yeah, ok.

Kyle then tells the group the single most improbable story ever: her daughter Alexia’s friend’s house, which is under construction, was burglarized. So they made the construction workers take lie detector tests and GUESS WHO ALEXIA’S FRIEND OR FRIEND’S PARENTS OR MAYBE THE CONSTRUCTION WORKERS THEMSELVES SAW AT THE POLYGRAPH PLACE?

Lisa VanderLiar.

OK, sure. This is a very plausible story and what definitely actually happened. Because what definitely actually did not happen was that as soon as she touched down in Hawaii, Kyle received a text from one of the producers telling her Lisa was taking a lie detector test that very moment, and then they concocted this bullshit story about construction workers.

bethenny-okay-alright-rhony-resigned

Dorit wonders who came up with the questions and Teddi points out that lie detector tests aren’t accurate or admissible in court.

seinfeld it's not a lie if you believe it george

And they all agree she’s just doing this in a last-ditch effort to protect her image. Well, I mean, yeah, duh.

Finally, it’s Camille’s wedding day, and whaddya know, but her mother managed to make it to Hawaii after all. Kyle helps Camille get ready and then she and Camille and the rest of the bridesmaids cram into a clown car to drive to the venue. Meanwhile, the other cast members literally arrive at the wedding site just as Camille is about to walk down the aisle because they are inconsiderate assholes.

And then Camille marries her next-door neighbor, mazel tov.

abraham twd the walking dead to the survivors cheers drinking

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo on Tuesdays at 8/9 p.m.

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