‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’: On One VanderCondition …

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“The Ultimate Ultimatum”
April 30, 2019

The episode begins in typical Real Housewife fashion: a quick montage of locales within the city highlighted so as to give a sense of place. This bit of editorial flourish has never before been worth mentioning except that this particular Beverly Hills intersection literally stopped me in my tracks:

How … what … how … WHY …

My husband had to get closer to the television and really study what he was seeing:

His final assessment: “What the ever-loving fuck?”

From this “Interesting City Intersections” post: “At the meeting of three streets, Lomitas, Beverly and Canon drives, you will find quite an unusually large intersection. Unlike many European cities and many in the United States where traffic at a wide intersection of more than two streets is aided by a roundabout island, our forefathers decided long ago that this would not be. Were the reasons for that decision based on technical factors? This is unknown.”

TRAFFIC CIRCLES, Y’ALL. THEY ARE A LOT LESS SCARY THAN JUST HURLING YOURSELF INTO A SIX-WAY STOP AND HOPING EVERYONE COOPERATES.

We actually begin with Erika and Rinna driving to a gym that one of Erika’s friends owns for a little free publicity. It is unclear whether they traversed this particular intersection.

Rinna muses on how much she likes Erika, which was not exactly a given in the early days. But as fellow hustlers, they understand one another.

Once at the gym, Erika’s gym-owning friend basically tells Rinna that she’s a flabby mess and she takes offense. SHE ONCE HAD HER OWN WORKOUT DVD.

~chef’s kiss~

In other “Who Gives a Shit” stories, Lisa and Grandpa Ken go to a marble yard to choose VanderCounterTops for their kitchen renovation and it is exactly as exciting as it sounds. They also discuss an upcoming lunch with Dorit and her insufferable husband and agree that if Dorit says she believes Lisa VanderPlanted the Radar story, they’ll be done with that relationship. There’s no point in going around and around with Dorit if she’s just going to call Lisa a VanderLiar.

Speaking of Dorit, her bathing suit line is no longer being run out of her living room, but instead has a brand new office which she shows off. Her insufferable husband arrives and makes “jokey” comments about how he might be able to retire now — which on the surface could be construed as being supportive, but really just serve to remind Dorit who really makes the money in the family.

They also discuss the upcoming lunch, and how they just want things to go back to normal with Lisa and Grandpa Ken. Dorit also reminds her insufferable husband that he was an insufferable asshole to Kyle at the Boy George concert, and he’s like, “Yeah? So?”

See above.

As for Kyle, she and Teddi take a romantic walk around the Hollywood Reservoir where they discuss the fact that Kyle’s feelings are still a little raw regarding Dorit’s insufferable husband; their upcoming RV trip; and turtles.

Elsewhere, Denise and Camille meet for lunch, and after a coy order of lemonades and an apple and prosciutto salad, hold the prosciutto …

… Camille just starts talking shit about the other women and Denise realizes that she is going to need an actual drink to get her through this.

CAMILLE: Teddi’s a know-it-all and a spoiled millennial; Lisa is VanderPrideful; Dorit is phony; Rinna is a shit-stirrer …

And listen, Camille’s not wrong — ABOUT ANY OF IT. But she is talking so much shit that they literally montage it, which says to me that the producers themselves think that this is Too. Much. And neither of the choices for what is happening here is particularly flattering to Camille. Either: 1. she’s an asshole who just talks endless smack about everyone she meets or 2. she has realized that the way to get back onto and stay on the show is to Be A Bitch.

But again, regarding what Camille said about the other women, I ask you: Where is the lie?

So then there is this weird cut back and forth between Denise’s and Kyle’s homes at 6 a.m.:

Denise is tangling with two asshole teenagers and one sweet little Eloise; meanwhile, Kyle makes a beautiful breakfast before carrying a TEN-YEAR-OLD Portia out of her marital bed and putting her in her own room to eat said breakfast. Kyle then PUTS THE TEN-YEAR-OLD’S SOCKS AND SHOES ON HER as if Portia is an 18th-century Sun King.

The big Lisa/Dorit/Dorit’s Insufferable Husband/Grandpa Ken summit is finally here, and takes place at Sur? Villa Blanca? PUMP? Oh, who VanderCares. Lisa is busily preparing for some other VanderEvent that is clearly taking place later in the episode and she complains to Grandpa Ken that whichever VandeRestaurant they are at, it’s not open for lunch so they’ll have to call out for sushi elsewhere. Is it TomTom?

On the drive over, Dorit’s insufferable husband informs Dorit that he wants to find a way forward with Lisa and Grandpa Ken, but at the end of the day, he’s going to let the ladies hash this out — it’s going to be entirely up to them to fix this.

So the four sit down to their takeout sushi — which these monsters EAT WITH FORKS AND KNIVES — and Dorit’s insufferable husband makes an offhand comment to Lisa about how he woke up feeling cold that morning. She replies that she’s been feeling cold for weeks; in fact, she’s been feeling VanderFrozenOut.

They raise their glasses in a toast, but Lisa gives Dorit a VanderWithering look, and Dorit is like, “OH COME ON.” Lisa huffs that everyone is so focused on this Radar Online story, and Dorit is like, “Well, yes — why on earth would you call TMZ instead of calling me?” Lisa, irritated, VanderSplains that she went to TMZ to say that the Radar story wasn’t true and that‘s a much bigger VanderGesture than calling Dorit up to check on her. Dorit points out that friends do not communicate via the media, and Grandpa Ken counters that Dorit should just thank Lisa.

This is a bit like saying that you should thank the arsonist who burned down your house when he arrives to put it out dressed like a firefighter but sure.

Dorit sighs that she just has a difficult time believing that Lisa had VanderNothing to do with the Radar story, and Lisa is like, “WELP, VANDERFRIENDSHIP OVER THEN.” Dorit’s insufferable husband breaks his own vow to stay out of it and suggests that if maybe Lisa and Grandpa Ken can just admit that something got fucked up, they can all move forward.

Grandpa Ken replies that the only way to move forward is if Dorit and her insufferable husband say that Lisa never ever ever VanderLies about anything and, in fact, is the best VanderFriend Dorit has ever had. Dorit’s insufferable husband points out that Grandpa Ken is trying to control their thoughts, and Grandpa Ken agrees, “OF COURSE I AM!”

 

Dorit laments that Lisa is willing to end a VanderFriendship over something this petty, but Lisa responds that it’s sad to her that her so-called VanderFriends are getting together and deciding to “bring the gavel down” on her and declare her VanderGuilty.

Dorit insists that she still loves Lisa and wants more than anything to put this behind them, to which Grandpa Ken retorts she’s still saying she doesn’t believe Lisa. Dorit argues that they can agree to disagree, and her insufferable husband points out that Grandpa Ken is being too extreme, too black and white. But Grandpa Ken is holding fast: if they don’t believe Lisa, they can’t be friends, and Dorit is like “YES, SO I’VE BEEN TOLD ABOUT 15 TIMES ALREADY.”

Lisa asks Dorit’s insufferable husband if he believes she had anything to do with the VanderStory, and he answers that he doesn’t think she herself planted it but that someone in her camp did. Which, good for Dorit’s insufferable husband! BUT DON’T GET TOO EXCITED …

Because Lisa then asks him if she VanderSwears on her VanderChildren that she did not plant the story would he believe her then, and he agrees that he would believe her. “WELL, YOUR WIFE DOESN’T,” Lisa points out and Dorit’s spineless husband begins telling Dorit that she needs to accept that Lisa is telling the VanderTruth.

Dorit makes it very clear that she continues to believe that Lisa and John had something to do with the VanderStory, at which point, Grandpa Ken stands up, declares their friendship OVER, and he and Lisa leave the table.

Dorit’s insufferable husband then has the AUDACITY to scold her for not allowing herself to be VanderBullied and she’s like, “LISTEN UP BITCH, I AM NOT INTERESTED IN BEING IN A FRIENDSHIP THAT IS PREDICATED ON INSANE CONDITIONS.”

Dorit then goes inside to find Lisa and explain that she respects Lisa’s VanderDecision, but that she still loves her and wants to move past this whole mess. Lisa asks Dorit if she would really want to move forward with someone she thinks is VanderLying to her? And when Dorit replies “YES! YES!” Lisa sighs, shows her the VanderDoor, and says, “Alright, goodbye, love you.”

Dorit asks how Lisa can Say she loves her, and Lisa replies, “I actually VanderDon’t.”

“Oh! So is this the very first time you’ve lied?” Dorit asks incredulously and Lisa shrugs.

In a talking head, Dorit then explains her entire theory of the case: in the previous season, she had said that Lisa was VanderNeedy, and then spent the rest of the season groveling to get back in Lisa’s good VanderGraces. But it wasn’t enough, and the whole planting the Lucy Lucy Apple Juicy story was Lisa’s actual VandeRevenge.

It makes as much sense as anything, VanderHonestly.

We then go to Kyle’s house where she has hired a “creative consultant” to oversee the photoshoot for her family holiday card, which doesn’t sound outrageous for a Beverly Hills family — those Kardashian holiday cards don’t stage themselves, after all.

But you know what you DON’T need a “creative consultant” for? A photograph of you and your family wearing jeans and button-down white shirts, sitting on your staircase.

We spend a solid five minutes on this. Nothing happens.

Alright, so, that night? Who knows/cares, Lisa hosts some sort of VanderParty at one of her restaurants to celebrate same-sex marriage becoming legal in India, which I’m sure she thought would make terrific TV. UnVanderForutnately for her, the cameras instead spend all their time at Teddi’s house where she’s hosting a pre-RV-camping trip dinner for the women who are still speaking to her.

The women arrive: Rinna, Kyle, Dorit (who is wearing BIKE SHORTS for reasons no one is able to explain to me. I somehow missed the Milli Vanilli is Back memo.), Erika, Denise, and Camille.

They discuss the fact that Lisa is not going to be joining them for the camping trip for obvious VandeReasons, and Erika notes that Lisa invited her to her Indian VanderParty, but that she declined. Dorit then reveals that she had a disastrous lunch with Lisa and Grandpa Ken where they just insisted that Lisa had VanderNOTHING to do with the Radar story, and their VanderFriendship essentially ended over it, to which, bless her sweet heart, Denise sighs that Lisa needs to just VanderApologize already.

The other women:

Over dinner, Dorit tells the women that her insufferable husband remains an optimist that they will be able to repair their VanderFriendship with Lisa and Grandpa Ken and will continue trying to do so. Kyle wonders why Dorit’s insufferable husband would want to mend that relationship and then, somehow, she manages to steer the conversation back to Dorit’s insufferable husband being rude to her backstage at the Boy George concert. Dorit insists he apologized to Kyle; Kyle replies that he most certainly did not.

Kyle notes that Dorit’s insufferable husband was an extra side sauce of rude to her after he had spoken to Grandpa Ken, and Dorit explains that yeah, actually her insufferable husband is in a good place with Grandpa Ken and Lisa, she’s the one that is on the outs with them.

Erika finds this baffling: they’re a team! they are supposed to be on the same side! Dorit insists that her insufferable husband’s relationship with Lisa is not more important to him than their marriage, without appearing to realize that just having to say that sentence out loud is not indicative of a healthy relationship.

Kyle finds the whole thing fishy and wonders if Dorit’s insufferable husband’s desperation to stay in Lisa’s good VanderGraces is about protecting business relationships or … do they have dirt on one another … or is it … something else? Dorit insists that it’s just called a “real VanderFriendship” to which Kyle takes exception to: she’s better VanderFriends with Lisa than Dorit’s insufferable husband. Dorit is all, “I mean, I know you think you are …”

That’s when Camille points out that she had never heard of Dorit or Dorit’s insufferable husband until two years ago, and Kyle adds that she has been around Lisa for a VanderDecade and had never seen either of them at a birthday or a wedding or an anniversary party, nothing. Dorit sniffs that her insufferable husband’s VandeRelationship with Lisa is not based on whether or not Kyle Richards has ever heard of him, and then Kyle and Dorit begin screaming at one another that MAYBE THEY AREN’T THAT GOOD OF FRIENDS.

Meanwhile, as usual, Erika is the only one talking sense, explaining in a talking head that these two dumb bitches keep fighting over Lisa, but Lisa ain’t at home VanderThinking about either of them.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo on Tuesdays at 8/9 p.m.