‘The Real Housewives of New York City’: Toastmasters

The Real Housewives of New York
“Shalloween”
May 8, 2019

So, it’s Halloween, and The Countess is hosting some sort of event at a hotel where she will perform and everyone is expected to attend. The “theme,” in so much there is one, is rehab “insane asylum” and to that end, Sonja and Tinsley, taking their cue from The Countess herself, dress up as sexy nurses. Bethenny wears a completely insane angel costume that involves wings with a 10-foot wingspan, and Dorinda dresses as … sexy-ish Babadook?

rhony shalloween barbara dorinda tinsley

Oh, and also that Barbara woman is there dressed as Lady Slash, but no one recognizes her because no one knows/gives a shit about her. Also, Ramona blows the whole thing off because Ramona.

Meanwhile, the Countess takes her sweet-ass time getting into hair and makeup — like 5 hours worth of hair and makeup which is a lot of hair and makeup — while Bethenny, who was told that The Countess would go on at 11, begins fretting that she turns into a pumpkin at 11:15 because BRYNNNNNN.

Also, Fudgie the Whale is there, dressed in a half-assed Party City grim reaper, and he can barely keep it in his pants when he sees Bethenny in her lingerie angel get-up. Dorinda definitely notices. It’s gross. He’s gross.

Eventually, Bethenny leaves, and the way it is edited, it is suggested that the door closes behind her just as The Countess takes the stage. Then The Countess performs her two (2) songs, the end.

After, The Countess finally finds the other women and wonders where Ramona and Bethenny are. The women explain that Ramona couldn’t be fucked but that Bethenny came, but had to leave because she had her daughter at home and needed to relieve the babysitter. (Let me just pause for a moment and say that I have a hard time believing that Bethenny Fucking Frankel doesn’t have a live-in nanny, but that I also do not blame her for leaving at a certain point because ENOUGH.)

The Countess is clearly more irritated with Bethenny for getting dressed up, cramming those wings into an SUV, coming to the party, making small talk with hangers-on, staying for hours and then leaving than she is with Ramona who made no effort whatsoever because she is looking for a reason to be pissed at Bethenny. She begins sneering that Bethenny’s excuse rings hollow since Brynn is probably asleep, SO WHAT DOES SHE HAVE TO RUSH HOME FOR INSTEAD OF STAYING THERE AND WORSHIPPING AT THE ALTAR OF THE COUNTESS?

I guess the next day? Mother is still at Tinsley’s hotel apartment and they are still talking about the Big Apple Circus and how Scott didn’t come to watch her, maybe because she broke up with him the week before, and y’all, I just … I can not anymore with this boring-ass storyline. YOU ARE NOT 22 ANY MORE, TINSLEY. I KNOW YOU DRESS/ACT LIKE IT, BUT YOU ARE A DIVORCEE IN YOUR 40s.

nene irritated

Alright. So. Ramona invites Sonja and Dorinda to a luncheon to discuss a fundraiser for America Loves Kids, an organization founded by champion speed skater Bridie Farrell with the goal of ending sexual violence against children. Bridie is there and briefly shares her personal story with abuse, all the while being called “Birdie” by Ramona because Ramona is an asshole.

Anyway, Ramona is going to co-host a silent auction at whatever restaurant they are currently at and she expects her castmates to all attend. DO IT FOR BIRDIE.

Dorinda moves into her new apartment, and Fudgie pays a visit basically so that she can tell him that he will never move in with her. That’s it. That’s the scene.

Later, Dorinda is packing up her old apartment, where she visits with her daughter Hannah. Dorinda explains that she is keeping the old apartment to use as a rental, and who knows? Maybe one day Hannah will want to live there with a husband and baby!

Hannah walks in and declares that she hates the apartment.

oh no awkward stop crazy ex-girlfriend oh god

So what had happened was, Dorinda and Hannah lived there before Dorinda married Richard, and when she and Richard got married, she and Hannah moved into Richard’s townhouse. After Richard died, Hannah and Dorinda moved back to this apartment along with all of their grief. For Hannah, the apartment represents sadness and pain, but Dorinda sees it differently: the apartment housed them through a difficult moment in their lives, and for that, they should be a little grateful.

Anyway, I doubt Hannah will be moving in there anytime soon.

Bethenny has dinner with Dorinda, Tinsley, and Sonja mostly so that they can tattle to her about the shit The Countess has been saying. Apparently, Bethenny texted The Countess to apologize for having to leave the Halloween performance early, and The Countess commented that she heard Bethenny’s costume was “over the top.” Bethenny has decided to read this as an insult, though I’m not convinced it is seeing as her wings COULD BARELY FIT THROUGH DOORWAYS.

But Dorinda, sensing an opportunity, informs Bethenny that The Countess was irritated with Bethenny for leaving early to be with her daughter. Bethenny begins to bethenny that THIS IS THE THIRD DIG. First were the comments in the Berkshires and then it was the over-the-top costume and now this? Dorinda explains that The Countess is not available as a friend right now, all relationships with her will be one-sided. Which, true! But the question is how is that different than any other time?

Finally, Ramona and Bridie’s fundraiser for America Loves Kids. We learn early on that Bethenny will not be attending, as she has been invited to the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show, and she has to return those wings, so.

Dorinda and Sonja arrive at the fundraiser, followed by The Countess who is STILL pissed at Bethenny for leaving her Halloween party early despite the fact that Ramona couldn’t even be bothered, BUT OK.

And that’s when Harry the Motherfucking Ex walks in because this minor character has apparently heard there are a couple new Housewives he hasn’t yet slept with. As soon as he walks in, Ramona abandons Sonja, The Countess, and Dorinda to go flirt with him, irritating Sonja in particular.

When Ramona returns, they briefly set the stage for an upcoming trip to The Countess’ new upstate house, and Ramona declares that they can throw her a birthday party there because none of them are invited to the birthday party her society friends will be throwing her at Scarpetta.

The other women:

you-are-very-rude

Then Ramona resumes flirting with Harry the Ex, turning everyone’s stomachs. The Countess does not have time for this nonsense and leaves for an Elton John concert, goodbye.

Finally, Ramona announces that she, “Briddie” and the host committee will make a little speech (“Bridie,” Bridie pointlessly corrects). And thus begins one of the single most uncomfortable moments — possibly the most uncomfortable moment — on any of these shows I’ve ever seen.

I have transcribed the entire scene for you, in the event that you would like to turn this into a one-act play at your child’s elementary school. And if you do, PLEASE SEND ME VIDEO FOOTAGE.

arrested development speech

Dorinda, Ramona, Bridie, and Sonja gather together.

Sonja: (Yelling at no one in particular) SURVIVORS ONLY! Survivors only!

Ramona: So I would like to thank everyone for coming tonight. I mean, we did this kinda last minute. This woman told me — again, I don’t wanna cry. Everyone knows I’m about children …

Sonja: (Begins laughing)

Ramona: … and women. Don’t laugh, Sonja, it’s not funny.

Sonja: You’re gonna cry again?! Everyone knows you can cry on a dime. (To Bridie): I’m sorry.

Ramona: That’s not true.

Sonja: It’s true.

Ramona: Sonja, why are you doing this to me?

Sonja: Because you always cry at the drop of a dime.

Dorinda: Adjust and start over!

Ramona: Sonja, you’re upsetting me. You better stop.

Sonja: OK, sorry Birdie. Her name is Bridie, by the way. You called her Birdie.

Ramona: I know. I did. I know. I’m bad with names. OK.

Dorinda: STOP, YOU GUYS. Give the speech.

Ramona: Everyone, thank you for coming because because of you, we’re raising money for this charity. We’re raising recognition in New York City …

Dorinda: But tell them the most important part!

Ramona: When people are sexually abused as a child, you say, “Is it my fault? Did I do something wrong?” You’re afraid to come forward!

Dorinda: IT WAS A FRIEND OF THE FAMILY.

Ramona: Can I finish?

Dorinda: A friend of the family. YOU CAN FINISH, BUT I’M ADDING SOMETHING.

Ramona: Oh my God.

Dorinda: A friend of the family.

Sonja: (To Dorinda) You’re on the committee, she’s the host. OK, let’s hear it from the horse’s mouth!

Bridie:

Bridie Shock RHONY

Sonja: Not a horse, I’m sorry. Bridie, please …  Bridie.

Bridie: So, I told my story for the first time five and a half years ago. And until people are sharing a message and sharing a story, nobody knows.

Dorinda:

jerry o'connell is dorinda rhony drunk slurring

Bridie: And what you said earlier …

Sonja: Let her finish … let her finish.

Dorinda: Stop it.

Ramona: LET HER FINISH.

Dorinda: But the predator is still out there.

Sonja:

dorinda clip clip rhony

Ramona: Sonja, stop it. Dorinda, let her finish.

Dorinda: Stop monitoring me.

Bridie: But it is true. I shared my story and the next day, the man who molested me —

Dorinda: There you go. Important.

Bridie: And there was nothing that could be done —

Dorinda: Important.

Bridie: Because of the laws across New York State —

Dorinda: Don’t ever do that to me again.

Ramona: Don’t interrupt me.

Bridie: From the bottom of my heart, I want to thank everyone for coming.

Me:

prince applause clapping standing ovation

The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo on Wednesdays at 8/9 p.m.

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