The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?”
April 23, 2019
We begin the episode with Teddi and Kyle’s preteen daughters do some modeling for a … let me double check my notes here … child’s makeup line.
ABSOLUTELY — and I can’t stress this enough — FUCKING NOT. And frankly, the less said about the children wearing age-inappropriate makeup, the better.
While they are there, Camille sends Kyle a photo of the bridesmaid’s dress she wants her to wear and Kyle, a 50-year-old woman, is horrified to learn that it has cap sleeves. CAP SLEEVES.
And I’m not even kidding, I am 100% with Kyle on this one. That is some irresponsible and insensitive nonsense.
OR … OR HAS THIS ALL BEEN A LONG CON? HAS CAMILLE SPENT THE LAST 10 YEARS WORMING HER WAY BACK INTO KYLE’S GOOD GRACES JUST SO THAT SHE COULD EKE OUT REVENGE ON HER BY MAKING HER BEAR HER MIDDLE-AGED UPPER ARMS ON NATIONAL TV? Frankly, it almost makes too much sense.
Also, there’s some talk about these women going on an RV trip together? I’d be lying if I said I was not REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS.
Elsewhere, Rinna and Erika take a quick FaceTime call to remind us of some plot points from the episode before. It’s not really worth our time.
We also sit in on a workout session with Denise and her new husband, who explain that they wake up at 5 every morning, make the sexytimes, and then workout because they have literally nothing else to do with their day. Denise tells Aaron that she is going to go to lunch with Lisa Vanderpump to try to serve as a mediator between her and the other women.
Denise and Aaron also talk about how Denise’s daughters are growing up. Denise cries at how fast it’s all happening: relatable! And how she worries that she messed up by fighting with their drug-and-prostitute-loving psycho of a father: less relatable.
Then we have dueling lunches: Denise and Lisa vs. Kyle and Dorit.
First, Lisa shows off her kitchen VandeRenovation to some woman we don’t know, I guess to remind us that she has VanderFriends outside of this show? Sure.
Lisa then packs up her wedding VanderGifts for Denise and heads to Villa Blanca. After some reassurances that Denise is pretty much the only one of these bitches Lisa can bring herself to talk to, she and Denise sit down, have some wine, and Lisa presents her VanderGifts.
Denise then brings up the reason we’re all here: doesn’t Lisa want to make VanderNice with the other women? Lisa insists that she most certainly VANDERDOESNOT. She swore on her children’s lives to Kyle that she had nothing to do with the Radar story about Dorit. A REAL VANDERFRIEND WOULD TAKE HER ON HER WORD. And in conclusion, Lisa is not ready to socialize with any of those women at the moment, thankyouVandermuch.
Denise sympathizes and explains that she understands — during her divorce, all she wanted to do was hide. Instead, she spoke her truth and dealt with it. Doesn’t Lisa want to VanderDefend herself?
Lisa, who has been around the Real Housewife block once or twice or ten times to Denise, a Real Housewife freshman:
Denise insists that these women love Lisa, does she really want to throw 10+ years of friendship out the window over this? In fact, they are going to go on an RV trip together, doesn’t Lisa want to VanderJoin? And like the cap sleeve con that Camille has definitely pulled on Kyle, it all becomes clear to me now: Vanderpump knew this RV trip was going to be this season’s vacation and she planned this entire Lucy Lucy Apple Juicy/Radar/TMZ controversy to avoid having to go camping with these assholes.
AND HONESTLY, DO YOU BLAME HER?
Meanwhile, over at Kyle’s new place, she and Dorit discuss the fact that Denise is currently having lunch with Lisa. Dorit posits that Denise is the perfect person to reach out to Lisa, as she has experience with a similar personality.
CHARLIE SHEEN. DORIT IS COMPARING LISA TO CHARLIE SHEEN.
Kyle explains that Lisa has a tendency to run when she’s confronted or told that she has done something VanderWrong. Cue the montage of Lisa flapping her hands and saying “I CAN’T” over the years.
Dorit reminds us again that she has not heard from Lisa since the Radar piece came out, that if she were really innocent, she surely would have reached out by now, and then her son pees in Kyle’s yard.
AND DO YOU BLAME HIM?
Finally, Dorit and her insufferable husband have invited everyone — VanderExcept Lisa — to a Boy George concert. Erika, Rinna, Kyle, and Camille meet at Teddi’s new cliffside home and admire both her view and her son’s tantrum when it’s time to leave.
On the bus ride to the venue, Teddi reveals that she texted Lisa Vanderpump to reach out and let her know that while she knows they don’t see eye-to-eye about what happened with Dorit and the dog and Teddi’s role in all of it, there are no hard feelings and she hopes they will be able to co-exist in the group together.
Camille notes that she told Lisa she was disappointed she didn’t make it to her shower, and Kyle is like, “Oh yeah? Did you? So why didn’t you mention that you KNEW she had been invited?” Camille, knowing perfectly well that she’s been caught, is like, “Yeah, whoops, my bad.”
Meanwhile, at the venue, Dorit arrives and is greeted by her insufferable husband who informs her that he’s spoken to Grandpa Ken, but he’ll tell her about it later. “BULLSHIT, YOU’LL TELL ME NOW,” Dorit rightfully responds. Her insufferable husband is like, “Basically, Lisa has VanderHADIT with the other women, but Grandpa Ken has agreed that we should all have lunch together and talk it out.” Dorit, to her credit — and I do not like to extend her much — is like, “wait, you thought you needed to wait until TOMORROW to tell me that? Come the actual fuck on.”
The other women arrive at the venue and head backstage where they make themselves margaritas and meet a rapidly decaying Billy Idol. Boy George also visits with them, noting that Denise and Lisa Vanderpump are missing from the group. He forgives Denise, whom he hasn’t met yet, but as for Lisa: HOW VANDERUDE. Especially since he didn’t invite her.
And then everyone has a good cackle.
Back at her home, Denise is doing homework with her daughters and discussing the fact that Charlie Sheen is trying to fuck her over on child support. I mean, it’s interesting in so much as celebrity gossip is interesting, but “Charlie Sheen is Bad With Money and Not the Greatest Dad,” is just not much of a headline.
Back at the concert, Gladys Knight joins Boy George and there’s a gospel choir, and Kyle is twerking and everyone is having a great time. Erika leaves halfway through because she has a Dallas concert and also too, I mean, Boy George is great and all but he also performs at least once a season these days, so … who really cares?
After the show, the women join Boy George and P.K. backstage where they visit for a while, and Kyle innocently asks Boy George if he ever feels vulnerable while he’s on stage. Boy George, who has been doing this for 89,000 years now, scoffs at the question, and Dorit’s insufferable husband “jokes” that Kyle clearly has vulnerability issues because she can’t get on with her best friend.
Kyle, who is still smarting from the VanderSituation, DOES NOT THINK THAT’S FUNNY, but Dorit’s insufferable husband just waves it away, it’s a joke. It’s a joke! Kyle reminds him that Lisa isn’t VanderSpeaking to him, either, to which he snipes back at that Grandpa Ken is speaking to him — they just talked today, in fact.
Kyle stomps out, furious, especially since she’s been defending Dorit this entire time — and in fact, appears to have ended her VanderFriendship to do so, and THIS MOTHERFUCKER RIGHT HERE WANTS TO JOKE ABOUT IT?
Dorit does yell at her insufferable husband for a while, pointing out that these women don’t understand his humor and maybe it was not cool to stick his finger in an open wound. But her insufferable husband, he refuses to admit he was wrong and petulantly pouts that Kyle can’t take a joke.
Fortunately for TV purposes, the other women did not get in the party bus and go home but instead lingered out in the parking lot waiting for Dorit to join them. She does and tries to assure Kyle that what her insufferable husband said was not coming from a bad place, just a stupid one. And that’s when Teddi decides what this situation needs is her two cents. When Teddi essentially points out that Dorit’s husband is an insufferable asshole — which he is absolutely 100% is — Dorit rips her own face off and screams at Teddie to LET HER HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH KYLE FOR TWO SECONDS.
So now Teddi’s fee-fees are hurt because she tried to jump into a fight she was not a party to, while Dorit tries, and fails, to explain away her insufferable husband’s nasty little comment as typical British humor. WELL THEN BRITISH HUMOR SUCKS, retorts Kyle.
Teddi points out to Dorit that she didn’t have to be so aggressive with her, to which Dorit is like, YOU DIDN’T NEED TO INTERJECT YOURSELF IN THIS CONVERSATION, BUT I GUESS I’M SORRY IF I WAS A LITTLE LOUD WITH YOU. Finally, Kyle points out that what Dorit’s insufferable husband said was hurtful but she knows he’s a “good guy” (is he? is he though?) and that she won’t hold a grudge over it, and then everyone is allowed to go home and sleep off their margaritas.
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo.