Look for the helpers. But please do not run them over because you don’t understand how science works.

(Image by Alyson McClaran/Reuters)

Welcome to Monday! I think we can all identify with this Golden Retriever, yeah?

The big news of the weekend were the dumbass anti-stay-at-home-order protests that popped up in a number of states — including Texas, my home state, which has already announced they were going to start reopening despite the fact that we are testing at the second-lowest rate in the country and have no real idea where we are BUT WHATEVER, DUMBASSES NEED THEIR HAIRCUTS AND TO GO TO OLIVE GARDEN TO EAT UNLIMITED BREADSTICKS AND NOT TIP. And no, I’m not exaggerating:

The protests — which are putting these idiots in danger of catching the virus — are not grassroots movements, but being organized by right-wing groups to look like some mass movement of angry citizens organically coming together to protest. It’s a cynical ploy to satisfy President Anti-Science’s base, to it look like there is some massive outcry to open the country back up, so that he can do so and avoid a rebellion from the 30% he needs if he has any chance of being re-elected.

Fortunately, Facebook has announced they will remove posts organizing protests in states that have stay-at-home orders.

The enduring image from this weekend will not be the idiots stomping around with their AR-15s or Alex Jones and his stupid bullhorn, or the young woman with the TRUMP 2020 poster that read “My Body, My Choice” or the Baskin Robbins lady. No, the image that will stay with most Americans will be these two Denver nurses who stood in front of these dumbass protestors  — whose lives they will probably have to save in about two weeks — while they were screamed at to “go to China.” No lie, this idiot woman in the truck yells AT THE NURSE: “You get to go to work, WHY CAN’T I?”:

I wish there were some nurses in Florida who go could go block the beaches that their idiot governor just reopened.

I MEAN, WHY WOULD YOU DO ANYTHING THIS MORON TOLD YOU:

lucille arrested development sighing oh for fuck's sake eyeroll

#Homevideos: A Global Phenomenon, a special hosted by Cedric the Entertainer, and made up of viral videos made during this crisis, is going to air on CBS in May.

Supergirl is giving Lex Luthor’s fate a rewrite thanks to the lockdown.

Teevee doctor rips other teevee doctors for being irresponsible idiots.

Netflix has put 10 educational documentaries on YouTube for free.

The History Channel is launching “History from Home,” a digital series on their social media platforms.

The Premier League is going to have a week-long FIFA video game tournament on NBC because that’s where we are now.

MTV is putting classic episodes, including Cribs and Punk’d onto YouTube.

Here’s what Jean-Ralphio Saperstein would be doing in quarantine. It checks out.

A Sacramento reporter managed to broadcast her fully-naked husband while taping a segment in her bathroom. Y’ALL. MAYBE WAIT TO TAPE YOUR SEGMENT AFTER YOUR HUSBAND HAS TAKEN HIS SHOWER.

Matthew Seligman, member of the band Bruce Woolley & The Camera Club, and bassist for David Bowie, has passed away of COVID-19.

Lee Konitz, jazz saxophonist, has died from complications of the virus.

Seven residents of New Jersey’s Actor’s Fund nursing home have passed away from COVID-19.

Broadway star Nick Cordero had to have a leg amputated due to complications from the virus.

CNN’s Brooke Baldwin wrote about her experience with the virus and it does not sound fun.

Taylor Swift has postponed her entire tour until 2021.

ViacomCBS has fired contract workers.

THEN STAY HOME, NOVAK DJOKOVIC. NO ONE NEEDS YOUR ANTI-SCIENCE BULLSHIT RIGHT NOW.

NBA players are agreeing to a 25% pay cut during the shutdown.

Good News:

The One World: Together At Home event raised $127.9 million for World Health Organization’s COVID-19 Solidarity Response Fund and local and regional responders and groups like Education Cannot Wait, Direct Care, Feeding America, and United Way.

Billie Eilish, Chance the Rapper, the Jonas Brothers, and Rainn Wilson joined John Krasinski’s virtual prom.

The Comedy Store is going to stream a live comedy event to raise money for relief efforts.

Tiffany Haddish, Idris Elba, Ciara, Don Cheadle, Mike Epps, Deon Cole, Angela Rye, Dr. Rheeda Walker, Charlamagne Tha God, Symone D. Sanders, DJ Khaled and Chance The Rapper will appear in BET’s fundraiser, Saving Our Selves: A BET COVID-19 Relief Effort on Wednesday.

Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis are selling wine called “Quarantine Wine” to raise money for GiveDirectly, Direct Relief, Frontline Responders Fund, and America’s Food Fund,

Finally, this doesn’t have to do with the virus, but if I find quality penguin content, I’m going to share it with you:

All Other TV

The Last Dance, that Michael Jordan and the Bulls documentary, labeled Barack Obama as “Former Chicago Resident” and Bill Clinton as “Former Arkansas Governor”:

Here’s the director’s explanation, if you’re curious:

Good Morning America is bragging that they have landed the first Meghan Markle interview since she and Harry peaced out of the royal family, but actually, she won’t be appearing live and instead it will be some pre-recorded asset from the Elephants film.

On Friday Night In with the Morgans, Jensen and Daneel Ackles not only told the story of how they introduced Jeffrey Dean Morgan to his wife, Hilarie, they also made a naughty diorama to illustrate the story.

Oh, lord, Nic Pizzolatto wants to make Batman fight God or something. This is a terrible idea on so many levels. DON’T CO-SIGN THIS, DAMON LINDELOF.

A Rick & Morty and Simpsons animator has pitched Seinfeld, the video game.

And speaking of Seinfeld, y’all know that Too Hot to Handle on Netflix was inspired by “The Contest,” right?

Happy 4/20, my stoner friends.

In Development

Mark Your Calendar

  • Hollywood will premiere on Netflix on May 1.
  • Trackers will debut on Cinemax on June 6.

R.I.P.

Ranjit Chowdhry, Bollywood actor who also appeared in The Office

Gene Deitch, Oscar-winning illustrator and director

Kitty Purry, Katy Perry’s cat

WATCH THIS

Cooking with Cannabis: 1. Happy 4/20 2. The timing on this could not be more perfect. Series premiere. Netflix

The Midnight Gospel: A “space caster” traverses “trippy worlds” inside his universe simulator in this new animated series from the creator of Adventure Time and what I’m saying is that maybe you watch Cooking with Cannabis first … Series premiere. Netflix

Better Call Saul: Jimmy and Kim make a “sideways turn” in the season finale. 8 p.m., AMC

The Plot Against America: Rots and conspiracies erupt across the country as Election Day nears. Series finale. 8 p.m., HBO
Late Night:

  • Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon: Melissa McCarthy, Octavia Spencer, Megan Thee Stallion, Dan White
  • The Late Show with Stephen Colbert: Trevor Noah, José Andrés, Willie, Lukas & Micah Nelson
  • The Late Late Show with James Corden: Taraji P. Henson, Andrea & Matteo Bocelli
  • Jimmy Kimmel Live: Snoop Dogg
  • The Daily Show: The Daily Social Distancing Show
  • Conan: Bob Odenkirk
  • Watch What Happens Live: Rob Gronkowski, Cheri Oteri

 

 

MON. 7:00 7:30 8:00 8:30 9:00 9:30
ABC The Bachelor Presents: Listen to Your Heart
(new)
The Baker and the Beauty
(new)
CBS The Neighbor-hood
(repeat)
Bob Hearts Abishola
(repeat)
All Rise
(repeat)
Bull
(repeat)
CW Whose Line is it Anyway?
(new)
Whose Line is it Anyway?
(repeat)
Roswell, New Mexico
(new)
Local
FOX 9-1-1
(new)
Prodigal Son
(new)
News/Local
NBC The Voice
(new)
Songland
(new)

One thought on “Look for the helpers. But please do not run them over because you don’t understand how science works.

  1. I really need more The Plot Against America. I was iffy on this show going in because, you know, too close to home but they have acted the shit out of this story.

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