‘The Real Housewives of New York City’: NO TOUCHING!

The Real Housewives of New York
“Sleeping with the Fishes”
April 10, 2019

Oh hello. Good to see you again. It’s been a while … ~checks the date of the last entry~ uh … a long while. It seems I haven’t updated RHONY since last July. July 19, 2019, in fact. Everything been good since then? Anything happen out in the real world between then and now? No? Everything has been fine and great and just get to the goddamned Fish Room already? Yes sir/madam.

So we are back in the Berkshires at some hotel restaurant where The Countess has just learned that Dorinda intends to put her in the so-called “Fish Room,” the dreaded bedroom that features taxidermied fish for reasons that Dorinda never adequately explains. The Countess is livid: DOESN’T DORINDA REMEMBER THAT THE LAST TIME SHE STAYED IN THAT ROOM SHE HAD A HORRIFIC HANGOVER?

OK, but let’s be honest, if The Countess never again stayed someplace where she woke up with a hangover, she’d have no place to stay on the entire Eastern seaboard.

ZING! I GOTCHA, YOU ALCOHOLIC WHO IS DEALING WITH YOUR ISSUES IN A PUBLIC AND HUMILIATING WAY!

The Countess suggests that Bethenny (with whom she shared that room and that hangover the last time) be put in the room, but Ramona and Sonja explain that Dorinda is trying to take care of Bethenny while she’s in mourning. “OH HOW HORRIBLE CAN HER GRIEF CAN IT BE IF SHE IS IN BOSTON WITH SOME OTHER GUY?” huffs The Countess.

The other ladies:

With that, The Countess leaps from the table and marches over to the concierge and demands a room.

Around this same time, Dorinda returns to the table where Ramona and Sonja explain that The Countess is getting a hotel room because she doesn’t want to stay in the “scary” Fish Room. Dorinda is deeply offended that anyone would find her taxidermied shark room “scary,” and insists that she had no idea anyone had a problem with it — despite Ramona and Sonja going out of their way just that afternoon to not stay in it.

When The Countess returns to the table, Tinsley volunteers to stay in the Fish Room so that The Countess won’t have to stay in the hotel and they can all be together. TAXIDERMIED FISH CRISIS AVERTED, THANK GOD.

Back at Dorinda’s house, The Countess goes into what should have been Tinsley’s room to discover that Tinsley had already unpacked and is clearly irritated instead of being grateful that Tinsley is willing to repack all her shit so that The Countess can get her way, and at one point yells at her to retrieve her Louis Vuitton luggage. Because The Countess is a complete asshole.

The next morning, the yoga instructor that The Countess demanded her hostess provide for her — because, again, The Countess is a complete and total asshole — arrives, and The Countess is joined in the lesson by Ramona and Sonja but not Dorinda or Tinsley because fuck 9 a.m. yoga. At some point, the instructor pulls The Countess into a position from behind and Sonja makes a lazy joke about being a power bottom because that’s why they pay her the big bucks.

Finally, Dorinda comes in and is like, “WRAP IT UP, JERKS, I have an activity that I actually planned and we need to get going.”

The field trip is to Ventford Hall, a summer cottage built by George and Sarah Morgan in 1893. And I’m not sure if you’re aware, but Sonja is ALSO a Morgan! By marriage! But not anymore because her husband left her! And I have just spent the past twenty minutes trying to figure out how Sonja is (not)-related to George and Sarah and … it’s complicated. See, Sarah was ALSO a Morgan — sister of the famous J.P., in fact — and George was Sarah’s first cousin … or maybe 7th cousin according to the tour that the ladies take, it’s unclear. Sonja’s ex-husband is the son of Henry Sturgis Morgan who was the son of J.P. Morgan Jr. who was the son of J.P. Morgan so I guess Sarah was Sonja’s ex-husband’s great-great-aunt?

As for how George relates to any of these people …

Right, so. They are given a tour of the house and the entire time, Sonja is all, “You know, I’M a Morgan. This is MY family’s crest. Just like George and Sarah, MY husband and I had a sexless marriage because WE are Morgans, too.”

At one point to Sonja’s COMPLETE HORROR, Dorinda leafs through some letters left on a desk that Sarah wrote to her daughter. THOSE SHOULD BE UNDER PLEXIGLASS LIKE THE GUTTENBERG BIBLE. Because some random Morgan’s mundane correspondence with her daughter has exactly the same historic significance as a Guttenburg Bible.

If they are even originals! Which they may not be! Because at one point, Sonja begins inspecting the furniture and pointing out that she owns similar pieces that she is storing for her daughter. The thing is? The furniture in Ventfort Hall are all reproductions and approximations of what would have been in the house in the late 19th century, not Morgan originals.

Nevertheless, all this Morganness sends Sonja into what Ramona calls a “Morgan spiral” and she begins fretting about how she’s trying to preserve her daughter’s history for her what with the ugly claw furniture and Limoge boxes that just clutter your dresser, when in reality, Sonja is actually mourning the fact that she herself is no longer a Morgan.

They return to Dorinda’s house where Ramona and Sonja wash the dust of Ventfort Hall off in a swim in Dorinda’s pool — despite the fact that it is late October.

Inside, Dorinda sits down with The Countess so that they can finally have an apology session, except it is more of a “Dorinda Apologizes to The Countess While the Countess Nods and Accepts Without Admitting That She Has Done Anything Wrong Herself” session. Because, again, and I can not stress this enough, The Countess is a complete and total and utter asshole.

So then this Barbara character arrives, this despite having been thrown out of Dorinda’s apartment a few episodes earlier. Dorinda invited her anyway because she didn’t want to violate the terms of her Bravo contract be the jerk. Barbara is complimentary about Bluestone Manor, admiring the molding and the staircase and the whatnot, but when they get to the Fish Room, where Dorinda has decided will be Barbara’s room, Barabara is taken aback, and announces that if she’s going to stay in there, they are going to have to cover up the shark. Dorinda is, once again, somehow, PROFOUNDLY OFFENDED that someone would insult her “$250,000” room with its “$12,000” shark and I just have a lot of questions:

1. Do taxidermied sharks cost $12,000? Really? Because this site suggests they cost around $250.
2. Wait, is this a famous shark?
3. WAIT, IS THAT JAWS?
4. So, if the room cost $250,000 and the shark cost $12,000, where did the other $238,000 go? To that green-blue paint? CONFUSED.
5. If Barbara is staying in this room, where is Tinsley going to stay? Are they sharing the room?
6. And if they aren’t sharing the room, how many rooms are there in this house?
7. Because this article says there are seven bedrooms. So let’s do some basic math: There are seven people staying at the house: Dorinda, Ramona, Sonja, The Countess, Tinsley, Bethenny, and Barbara. So one person per room. Now! Dorinda does have staff, and maybe her housekeeper lives there, so perhaps one of those rooms is hers. That still leaves six bedrooms, and Ramona and Sonja are sharing one of them meaning there are still enough rooms for everyone else to have their own stupid room and WHY ARE WE ARGUING ABOUT ANY OF THIS?? MY GOD.
8. And in conclusion, WHAT THE FUCK? WHY ARE WE HAVING THIS CONVERSATION AT ALL?

Right, so, after the tour, Barbara joins the other women at the pool where she jokes to Sonja about how she’s not going to even unpack her bags seeing as Dorinda threw her out of her apartment not a week ago or whatever. She also reveals that Dorinda has stationed her in the Fish Room, and Sonja tries to assure her that all newcomers are put in the Fish Room, it’s how she hazes n00bs.

Meanwhile, Ramona is, again, making fun of Barbara’s outfit, which, to be fair, is something that a 19-year-old in 1996 might wear. She is neither 19 nor is it 1996.

At some point, Dorinda overhears Barbara discussing the Fish Room and her hesitancy to stay in it and Dorinda unleashes all the rage she had been bottling up with The Countess, and begins screaming at Barbara THAT SHE KNOWS THERE ARE ROOMS AVAILABLE AT THE NEARBY HOTEL AND SHE IS WELCOME TO STAY THERE. (And honestly, if I were Barbara, I’d take her up on that …)

That’s when Bethenny arrives, and Sonja correctly decides it is Champagne O’Clock. Bethenny presents Dorinda with a hostess gift: a miniature lightbox where she can spell out messages, and Dorinda does not, bless her heart, spell out, “GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE YOU UNGRATEFUL BITCHES,” but instead chooses “A PLACE OF YES.”

Bethenny then tells Dorinda that she saw A Star is Born in Boston while visiting this new guy she’s dating and she was shocked! SHOCKED! to learn that the main character dies of an overdose at the end. I mean, never mind the fact that this is the FOURTH TIME IN HISTORY this same movie has been made and it always ends the same way, this was somehow news to Bethenny and she begins sobbing again just thinking about it and Dennis and JUST EVERYTHING. And not to make light of her grief — I’ve been through something similar and it’s impossibly hard when you are suddenly seemingly out of the blue hit by something that reminds you of your loved one — but just imagine what the guy in Boston must have felt …

Once Bethenny has collected herself again, Dorinda reveals the whole Fish Room/The Countess/Why Doesn’t Bethenny Stay in the Hated Fish Room controversy, and Bethenny is like, “I’m sorry, I must have heard you wrong: she’s simultaneously pulling the recovery card and talking shit about me behind my back when I GOT HER THROUGH HER INTERVENTION AND PUT HER INTO REHAB? THE ONLY ROOM SHE SHOULD BE STAYING IN IS THE ONE IN THE REHAB WHERE I SENT HER WHICH SHE LEFT EARLY TO DO HER DUMB CABARET SHOW. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?”

And that’s when Art Smith and Adrian De Berardinis, the “Bear-Naked Chef” arrive to prepare dinner for these maniacs.

Inside, Barbara and The Countess cross paths, and The Countess reports that things with Dorinda are much better — she FINALLY acknowledged what she did …

… and apologized and it seemed heartfelt.

Outside, Bethenny is bitching to Dorinda about The Countess’s selfishness: how it’s all about HER recovery and HER struggle and HER cabaret, meanwhile there hasn’t been a single word about Dennis and Bethenny’s loss. The Countess chooses this moment to come outside to greet Bethenny but both Bethenny and Dorinda are like, “NOT NOW,” and she makes her retreat. Bethenny and Dorinda then agree that while it would be nice if The Countess could have A SINGLE OUNCE OF AWARENESS OF SOMEONE OTHER THAN HERSELF, she never will and they just have to accept she is who she is — and who she is an enormous, gaping, gravity-generating asshole.

Later, Bethenny is unpacking her things in the Not Fish Room, and puts on pajamas? for some reason? She’s sitting on her bed with Barbara when a not sober Sonja joins them, squeezing herself between them and yelling in a not-joking-at-all manner at Barbara to KEEP HER HANDS OFF OF HER GIRLFRIEND BETHENNY. Meanwhile, Ramona is admiring herself and her “nice ass and nice tits” in a full-length mirror. Soon, Sonja has disappeared downstairs to begin chanting, “ROSÉ! ALL DAY!” with Tinsley, so I’m sure dinner will go smoothly and not certainly end in anyone drunkenly sobbing or sexually assaulting this naked chef or fighting with Ramona’s dog.

Before dinner, the women head to the kitchen to admire this “naked chef” who is cooking for them, only to be disgusted by his hairy ass. And that’s because he’s not “The Naked Chef,” you idiots, he’s “The Bear-Naked Chef.” LEARN YOUR GAY CLASSIFICATIONS, LADIES. THE HAIRY ASS IS RIGHT THERE IN HIS NAME.

The women sit down for dinner, and after toasting their hostess, The Countess tells Dorinda that her room is lovely and she probably could have been a little more gracious the night before, but that’s how she felt in the moment. Sonja, who is properly roséd at this point, begins snarling at Barbara that she has to stay in the Fish Room and no one is allowed to join her. When Barbara suggests she might share a room with The Countess or Bethenny, Sonja threatens to PUNCH HER IN THE FACE if she goes anywhere near her “girlfriend.”

Bethenny urges Sonja to drink her glass of water, but instead, Sonja takes Ramona’s dog, Coco, hostage.

Fortunately, Dorinda is able to free Coco unharmed.

At one point Bethenny shows the diamond ring Dennis gave her and Dorinda compares it to one her dead husband Richard gave her, prompting Sonja to be all, “OH BOY, HERE WE GO.” Sonja in an interview — so ostensibly a sober Sonja — postulates that the problem Dorinda has with Sonja bringing up her ex-husband is that she married a Morgan and Dorinda is jealous that she did not and, in fact, is sad that she is dating the Earl of Dry Cleaning.

While The Countess and Dorinda step outside for a smoke, Tinsley tells Bethenny and Barbara that they took a tour of a historic Morgan mansion, which just opens fresh wounds for Sonja who begins yelling at Ramona, for some reason, that YOU DON’T TOUCH THE FUCKING MORGAN LETTERS, even though Ramona did no such thing.

It’s going to be a long night. I assume.

The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo on Wednesdays at 8/9 p.m.