‘The Bachelor’: ¡Cuidado! ¡Erupciones en progreso!

The Bachelor
February 3, 2020

Y’all, Pilot Peter is so terrible at this.

A quick recap of the past couple of episodes: Miss Texas is a big fakey faker who everyone hated — so much so, all of the women made a point to tell Pilot Peter she was horrible. So he sent Miss Texas home, but he didn’t feel great about it. So when she showed up in Cleveland to “defend” herself, Pilot Peter was like, “Hey, since you’re here, why don’t you just take this rose and go join the other ladies. They’ll be thrilled to see you.”

Dear Reader, they were not thrilled to see her.

The minute Miss Texas returned, she started making trouble, gossiping about one of the other women. The women confronted Pilot Peter at the start of the Rose Ceremony about his terrible decisions, and he skulked off to a room to be alone and pout, which is where we find him when this episode begins.

she made her bed and now she has to alayah in it bachelor

Give Come Hither the Nobel Prize in Puns, immediately.

Pilot Peter eventually emerges from his sadness cave and asks to speak to Miss Texas. There, Pilot Peter explains that he knows she’s terrific, regardless what LITERALLY everyone else has to say, but her returning has caused too much drama and he doesn’t want to put her through anymore.

Miss Texas is very sad at this development …

… but allows him to walk her out to the Go Away Now Van.

Goodbye, AGAIN, Miss Texas. And Honey, this time, stay away.

you can fly away now captain

Pilot Peter returns inside and quotes some Human League to the other women: He’s only human, born to make mistakes. He now realizes that Miss Texas was not “The One” and sent her home. He hopes they trust him and still wants to be there, and with that, he takes some of the women aside to apologize to them personally.

It’s not worth dwelling on, let’s get to the part where he sends people home:

Rose #1: Purity Ball
Rose #2: Alabama City
Rose #3: Come Hither
Rose #4: Little Red Corvette
Rose #5: Van Gogh
Rose #6: Air Sickness Bag
Rose #7: Mom Jeans
Rose #8: Miss Louisiana
Rose #9: Ally McBeal
Rose #10: Rowdy Roddy Piper

So, goodbye Contortionist, Windmill Costume and my hometown girl, Non-Consensual. And Windmill Costume, stop looking so shocked, sweetheart. The very fact your nickname is “Windmill Costume” means you have been receiving the “not going to make it to the foreign travel portion of the season” edit the whole time.

you can fly away now captain

Here are the ladies who were eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:

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Here are the women along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Peter:

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Speaking of foreign travel, the next stop is beautiful Costa Rica which Pilot Peter helpfully explains is filled with all sorts of exotic animals like sloths (correct) and alligators. (INCORRECT. THEY ARE CROCODILES. GET IT STRAIGHT, WEBER.)

crocdile bachelor
Crocodile, not alligator.

The resort they are staying at is at the foot of Arenal Volcano and when the women arrive there is, as always, so much screaming.

Pilot Peter arrives in a helicopter with what appears to be a schmear of peanut butter on his forehead, and he explains it is covering a wound he earned in a fight with a puma. (And don’t think for a second I didn’t Google whether or not there were pumas in Costa Rica. There are. In fact, there are six wild cat species in Costa Rica: Ocelot, Margay, Jaguar, Puma, Jaguarundi, and Oncilla. But still no alligators.)

The women call bullshit, and Pilot Peter reveals what actually happened: dumbass was getting into a golf cart, and somehow managed to bonk his head, knocking it forcefully enough into the pint glass he was holding that it shattered and cut his forehead. He required 22 stitches.

peter bachelor hed injury security footage

Captain Concussion, he’s there to take Alabama City on the first one-on-one. And hopefully not bleed all over her.

They fly around in the helicopter and look at the volcano for a while before landing for a picnic on the side of a mountain somewhere. There, Pilot Peter asks her why she’s so mysterious …

arrested development her michael jason bateman

… and then they discuss their families and heritage: he’s German and Cuban, she’s Generic White and Dominican. He tries to speak some Spanish to her and she’s like, “YEP. SURE.” Then they start making out and there is just so much visible tongue.

can't unsee eyewash

That evening over dinner, Alabama City retells her sob story: growing up mixed-race in Alabama was really hard. She was bullied, her single mother was called terrible things, she only met her father five times, her home was vandalized, she didn’t go to prom or homecoming, she spent the entire senior year hiding in the bathroom.


Alabama City has responded to this controversy, so:

Pilot Peter obviously gives her the date rose and then they go make out in a hot spring.

Back at the hotel, Champagne Wishes is drinking a bottle of chardonnay in the pool alone and sobbing over the fact that she’s on a dating show and the star of said show is on a date with another woman. Rowdy Roddy Piper, in particular, is like, “the fuck?”

Also, the group date card arrives: “Air Sickness Bag; Champagne Wishes; Dry Humor; Purity Ball; Come Hither; Miss Louisiana; Little Red Corvette; Van Gogh; Rowdy Roddy Piper; Mom Jean: Let’s capture our love today.”

Which means Ally McBeal has the final one-on-one of the week.

She greets this news with a shrug and notes that she doesn’t have a sob story to share with him, so she’s not even sure this is wholly necessary.

i love her america's next top model

As for the group date, the women meet Pilot Peter, Jessica Pels, the editor-in-chief of Cosmopolitan and a photographer at a waterfall for a bathing suit photoshoot. Pels explains that she will choose one winner who will be featured along with Pilot Peter on the “digital” March cover.

Bikinis bikinis bikinis, a photographer screaming “WORK IT” and “OOH YES” and “KISS HIM AGAIN” and y’all … Y’ALL! They apparently chose bikinis that were so small that they had to go back in with what appears to be MS Paint to cover the women’s asses in post-production:

I do not usually urge you to click on TMZ posts, but, please, click on this TMZ post and watch the video.

Anyway, at the end of the day, the Cosmopolitan editor-in-chief chooses Dry Humor as the winner.


“Why We’re Not Publishing the Cosmo ‘Bachelor’ Cover”

It wasn’t until a few weeks ago that I found out that the woman I’d chosen had, in her past, modeled in an ad campaign wearing White Lives Matter attire.

(It’s been reported that what she modeled for was actually a Marlin Lives Matter organization focused on preventing white and blue marlin from being overfished, which used “white lives matter” and “blue lives matter” messaging on its promotional shirts and hats. In my view, the nature of the organization is neither here nor there—both phrases and the belief systems they represent are rooted in racism and therefore problematic.)

Unequivocally, the White Lives Matter movement does not reflect the values of the Cosmo brand. We stand in solidarity with Black Lives Matter, and any cause that fights to end injustices for people of color.

My team and I had many long discussions about how we wanted to address this issue. We’d already printed the fashion shoot in our March issue, complete with an inset of the cover, and of course the episode had already been filmed. Ultimately what felt right was choosing not to publish the digital cover on our website or social feeds, and simply being honest with you, the audience we respect, about what happened and where we stand.

white lives matter victoria bachelor



Right. So. At the after-party, Pilot Peter first visits with Dry Humor White Lives Matter whose birthday was a few days earlier, she’s now 26 and it’s “SO DEPRESSING.”


glare bad girls club drink

Pilot Peter also visits with Van Gogh whom he assures “killed it” at the photoshoot, seeing she’s a professional model and all.

In an interview, Champagne Wishes complains that “group dates suck” (my husband, who happened to walk into the room at that moment, replied, “BECAUSE GROUP DATES ARE NOT A THING,” before walking back out again) and then sulks while the other women visit with him. During her time with him, Champagne Wishes explains that she’s falling in love with him and that it’s “really scary.” Pilot Peter assures her that he’s been thinking about her, too, and then he chews on her face for a while.

Meanwhile, the other women are discussing Champagne Wishes’ little breakdown the night before, and White Lives Matter reveals to Rowdy Roddy Piper that Champagne Wishes claimed that she’s the “realest bitch” there, and everyone else is fake. Rowdy Roddy Piper, who spent the night holding Champagne Wishes’ hand while she drunkenly lamented that the guy she and eleven other women were dating for a TV show was on a date with someone else, is like, “WAIT, SHE SAID WE’RE THE FAKE ONES? OH NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT. PILOT PETER NEEDS TO KNOW ABOUT THIS.”

And to that end, Rowdy Roddy P. spends her time with Pilot Peter explaining to him that Champagne Wishes had a full mental breakdown the night before and that while she may not like champagne that much, she does like the drinky-drink a little too much.

retta shots drink parks

Pilot Peter is CONCERNED, and asks to speak to Champagne Wishes again. He asks her about the mental breakdown and the getting wine drunk and Champagne Wishes TAKES UMBRAGE. She did not have a “mental breakdown,” and sure, she might have had a few bottles glasses of wine but she doesn’t have a drinking problem.

brandi drinking problem


The other women, notably Little Red Corvette and Come Hither are like, “Bitch, you are on a dating competition show. You have to calm down and realize that he’s GOING TO GO ON DATES WITH OTHER PEOPLE.”

Champagne Wishes argues that she’s just being vulnerable and that, in fact, SHE IS THE MOST VULNERABLE WOMAN THERE. Rowdy Roddy Piper is like, “Sobbing over a champagne bottle for four days isn’t ‘being vulnerable’ it’s ‘being crazy.'”

And that’s when Pilot Peter returns and gives Van Gogh the date rose. Champagne Wishes manages, somehow, to hold it together.

The next day, Pilot Peter meets Ally McBeal for their date and I hate to report this, friends, but my girlfriend, Ally McBeal, she is wearing some tragic pants.

Oh, honey, no.

The two then go on one of The Bachelor‘s favorite category of foreign dates: “Let’s Go Exoticize Some Locals and Have Them Do Their Wacky Pagan Hoodoo Over You.” And let me just pause here and note that they never take the hardcore Christians on these dates. The Shower Jesuses and the Purity Balls, they are never forced to have some shaman chant over them while blowing incense in their faces and talking about “Jupiter’s energies” or “expanding minds” or some such BUT I DON’T KNOW WHY NOT.  I would LOVE to see someone really be taken out of their “comfort zones.”

Ostensibly, the reason they are visiting these jungle hippies is that Pilot Peter is worried that his relationship with Ally McBeal has stalled out. To determine whether or not they are really meant to be together, the shamans have Ally McBeal and Pilot Peter strip down to their underthings, burn some incense, light a pair of candles, and ask a crystal. (The crystal says, “NO.”)

They also have Pilot Peter and Ally McBeal write out their intentions for the relationship. While Pilot Peter is reading his very earnest essay about how he wants to always give more than he takes and he wants the passion to stay alive and wonders if this is fate, Ally McBeal is distracted by a lizard.

i love her america's next top model

Instead of appreciating with her HOW VERY STUPID THIS WHOLE THING IS, Pilot Peter whinges in a talking head that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship where he’s giving 75% and only getting 25%. (Meaning, if someone isn’t sobbing over him all of the time and professing their love for him after only one date, they aren’t “giving” him enough, which, to my younger readers, let me assure you is some Grade A Premium Bullshit.)

Meanwhile, the shamans are telling Ally McBeal that the “candles” say they are on “different levels” and that she’s repressed. “VALID,” replies Ally McBeal.

i love her america's next top model

That night at Pretend Dinner, Pilot Peter declares that it is time to have a Very Serious Talk About Very Serious Things. Pilot Peter confronts her about seeming to have to pulled away after a strong start, and she’s like, “Yeah, I mean, this is all nonsense and not real and I found myself wondering what the hell I was even doing here. But then in Cleveland, I decided to relax and have fun with it, because YOLO, amirite?” Pilot Peter is NOT happy with this answer: THIS IS NOT ABOUT FUN.


And then! Pilot Peter, this doofus, he literally asks her why the candles said they were on “different levels.”

To her credit, Ally McBeal doesn’t scream at him, “THEY WERE FUCKING CANDLES, PETER, THEY DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING.”  Instead, she is like, “Tell me with a straight face that I am on the same level as these women. God love her, Van Gogh is a sweet girl, but she and I are not on the same maturity level. And then when it comes to you and me, I do have some questions about you being ready to get married, namely how you keep rewarding the drama with the other women. No person at this stage in life should even want to put up with that nonsense. You should just ‘cut it in the butt’ and be done with it.”

i love her america's next top model

Pilot Peter at being told the damn truth for the first time ever:

black-ish shock surprise oh my god what

But hey, he gives her the date rose, so good for her for speaking truth to Peter. Even if he does scoldingly tell her to “trust the process” about 15 times. YEAH, BECAUSE THE “PROCESS” WORKED OUT SO GREAT FOR YOU AND HANNAH AND EVERYONE INVOLVED IN THAT SHITSHOW.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Champagne Wishes confronts Rowdy Roddy Piper for talking to Pilot Peter about her. It quickly devolves into Rowdy Roddy Piper accusing her, again, of drinking too much and Champagne Wishes crying some more.

The next day, Rowdy Roddy Piper is complaining to some of the other women about Champagne Wishes being a crazy drunk bitch.

Meanwhile, Champagne Wishes adds a thirtieth layer of black eyeliner and heads over to Pilot Peter’s suite. Champagne Wishes tells Pilot Peter that she’s being bullied by the other women who don’t understand why she’s so emotional — and the reason she’s so emotional is because she’s falling in love with him.

girls eyeroll

Pilot Peter urges her to not pay attention to the other women, and to never change. In response, Champagne Wishes begins to cry, again, and tattles that Rowdy Roddy Piper is calling her a big drunk and pill popper. Pilot Peter essentially calls Rowdy Roddy Piper a jealous bitch and, being the DUMBEST BACHELOR EVER, gives her a preemptive rose.

To be fair to Pilot Peter, he is recovering from a head injury.

peter bachelor hed injury security footage

He then instructs her to “sport that rose proudly,” which  … I mean, not even a recent head injury can explain away this stupidity.

dumber than you think i am dodgeball

Champagne Wishes returns to the other women with her rose, clearly smug but trying to pretend that she never intended for this to happen, but she hopes in the long run, she hopes it makes tonight “smooth sailing.”

nervous um awkward bachelor oh no

That night is the Rose Ceremony and cocktail party except, LOL, Pilot Peter, his thinking still clouded from that head injury, decides he does not need a cocktail party, he knows exactly what he wants to do.


Mom Jeans, in particular, is in HYSTERICS. She NEEDED THIS TIME to talk to him and tell him something “REALLY BIG.” NOW HOW IS HE EVER GOING TO FIND OUT HOW GREAT SHE IS?

Rowdy Roddy Piper is also freaking out, worried about what, exactly, Champagne Wishes said about her. Champagne Wishes is like, “nothing but the truth: that you called me a drunk and a druggie. AND ALL I TAKE IS ADDERALL AND BIRTH CONTROL.”

Sidebar: “Adderall and Birth Control” is going to be the name of my debut album.

Little Red Corvette and Mom Jeans are, in particular, mad at Rowdy Roddy Piper for creating the drama that led to the rose ceremony to be canceled, when out of nowhere, Alabama City — who already has a rose —  and who is the one who talked shit about Miss Texas, leading to her being kicked off the show — gives Rowdy Roddy Piper grief for talking to Pilot Peter about Champagne Wishes.

spider-man pointing at spider-man its me

Rowdy Roddy Piper insists that Pilot Peter needs to know that Champagne Wishes has “alcoholic tendencies,” to which Alabama City declares that when she’s with Pilot Peter, the LAST thing on her mind are the other women.

Meanwhile, in San Antonio:

wait what bachelor alayah

Rowdy Roddy Piper, to her credit, is like, “EXCUSE ME, MISS TEXAS?” And soon everyone is screaming at one another and sobbing and just generally losing their goddamned minds.

Captain Headwound finally shows up, but before he can start handing out roses, Rowdy Roddy Piper asks to speak to him privately. He agrees, and Rowdy Roddy Piper assures him that when she talked to him about Champagne Wishes’ champagne problem, she wasn’t coming from a malicious place, and that she just wants to focus on him.

Which is when Mom Jeans comes storming in, demanding to “steal” him for a second, like this is some kind of cocktail party that only the three of them are invited to.

The other women:

what the actual fuck kingsley confused

There, Mom Jeans cries to Pilot Peter that all this “drama” is “breaking her down,” before returning to the women. Little Red Corvette is like, “Hope you enjoyed your private cocktail party, asshole,” and Mom Jeans is shocked, SHOCKED! that anyone would be mad at her for taking time with Pilot Peter, time that no one else was privy to. “I had to get my time in with him,” she explains, “because this drama is literally overwhelming me.”

Oh. Well. In that case.

Finally, Pilot Peter returns to hand out some roses and cull the herd:

Rose #1: White Lives Matter
Rose #2: Purity Ball
Rose #3: Come Hither
Rose #4: Miss Louisiana
Rose #5: Mom Jeans
Rose #6: Rowdy Roddy Piper

This means we must say adios to Little Red Corvette and Air Sickness Bag. On their way out, Air Sickness Bag warns Pilot Peter that some of the women aren’t who they are portraying themselves to be and suggests that he maybe let that head heal a little more before he make any more decisions while concussed, and Little Red Corvette, she’s just glad to have met him, and to get out while the getting’s good. AMEN, SISTER.

you can fly away now captain

Here are the ladies who were eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:

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Here are the women along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Peter:

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The Bachelor airs Mondays on ABC at 7/8 p.m.

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