Well, hello there! Do you feel that? That zippy brightness in the air? Maybe it’s because we are entering the heart of the holiday season, or maybeeeee it’s because President Brain Worm is about to get his fat orange ass impeached, becoming only the third President to do so.
We’re not quite there yet: Before the House can vote and make it official, the House Rules Committee has to debate how the Articles of Impeachment will be debated ahead of the vote. That hearing is still happening as I type this, but it is so boring and repetitive that even the cable news networks aren’t airing it right now. Though the Republicans could make trouble and drag this hearing out all damn day, in the end, they aren’t going to get anything that they want as the Democrats hold a 9-4 majority on the committee. So they are just bloviating for the sake of bloviating.
Once the Rules Committee is done, the articles go to the full House. There, a procedural vote will take place midday, followed by the final debate, and a vote on the articles is expected sometime tomorrow evening. It will not go well for President Screed.
And knowing that his place in American history is about to be forever stained by being impeached, President Tantrum just wrote an insane letter to House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi in which he rants about the Electoral College win, “Trump Derangement Syndrome,” James Comey, Space Force, the Salem Witch Trials, and something called “Impeachment Fever” for six pages. Read it here, especially if you’re a big fan of exclamation points and ALL CAPS.
However, tomorrow will probably be the beginning and the end of the funtimes for the Democrats, as the impeachment process leaves the House and goes to the Senate. Senate Majority Leader and the Most Dangerous Man in America, Mitch McConnell, has announced that he has absolutely no intention of putting on a proper trial with witnesses and evidence lest the American people — and the rest of the Senate — actually learn the facts of the case.
In response, Minority Leader Chuck Schumer wrote a letter and took to the floor of the Senate this morning to demand that witnesses be subpoenaed, specifically: acting Chief of Staff and head of the OMB, Mick Mulvaney, former national security advisor John Bolton and Secretary of State Mike Pompeo. And it’s not a long shot: while the Senate needs to have a 2/3rds majority to remove the President (never gonna happen), it only requires a simple majority of the Senate to set the rules for the trial. Which means, if Schumer can pull off two Republicans to agree this should not be a show trial and that witnesses and documents should be provided, Schumer might get his way.
And the polling is in Schumer’s favor: While Americans are split fairly evenly on impeachment and removal (49% for to 47% against in this poll), the majority of Americans, both Republicans and Democrats, want witnesses to be called. “Among Democrats, 79 percent say Trump should let his advisers appear before the Senate, while among Republicans, 64 percent agree. Among independents, 72 percent favor their appearance.”
Those numbers aren’t great for a fake trial, Mitch.
One person who won’t be called to testify: Rudy “Saying the Quiet Part Out Loud” Giuliani. In a recent interview with The New Yorker, Giuliani admitted that he told President Impeachment Fever that Ambassador Marie Yovanovitch should removed from her post because she would get in the way of the investigations he wanted into the Bidens. He then went on Laura Ingraham’s Fox News show last night and repeated these claims. BECAUSE HE’S AN IDIOT. But he’s also a loose cannon, which is why neither side is anxious to call him to testify in a trial — God only knows what he’ll say up there.
Finally, in what can only be described as a beacon of hope in all of this, a group of four well-known Conservatives, including George Conway, husband of Kellyanne, have announced in an impassioned New York Times editorial the foundation of The Lincoln Foundation, a PAC designed to remove Trump and Trump-supporting Republicans. Please read the editorial, and let’s all pinkie swear right now that no matter who the Democratic nominee finally is, that we will vote for them even if they weren’t our first, second or seventeenth choice. Because no matter who they are or what our own ideology is, it doesn’t matter. Literally anyone but Trump. Because we can not survive four more years of this.
ANYWAY! MERRY IMPEACHMENT EVE, GUYS!
In Other TV News
A couple of quick Watchmen notes (I’m not sure when I am going to get to the last two episodes — I’m in the middle of Christmas prep nightmare, so God only knows):
1. Despite previously saying that he only intended Watchmen to be a one and done, Lindelof is now walking those statements back. He’s not saying he’ll do it, but he’s not saying he WON’T do it, either:
Right now the space that HBO is in and that I’m in is we’re asking the question, Should there be another season of “Watchmen”? And if there should be another season, what would it be? I’m not saying I don’t want to do it, or it shouldn’t exist. I’m just saying, “Boy, every idea that I had went into this season of ‘Watchmen.’” I’m going to put up my antenna, see if it’s receiving anything. If it’s not receiving anything in a reasonable period of time — and I’ll just say off the top of my head, it feels completely and totally arbitrary, but like a couple of months doesn’t feel unreasonable, you know, January, February, maybe March — then I think we move on to your question, which is, if not me, then who?
Because I actually do agree with HBO that this should be a continuing series. Maybe it’ll continue in a year or two, maybe they’ll continue it in four years or whatever, but I want to see more “Watchmen.” I always said to them, I do see “Watchmen” as “Fargo,” as “True Detective.” They were ongoing anthology shows, but each season had a design with a beginning, middle and end that allowed subsequent seasons to feature entirely different characters, or even be set in entirely different time periods. That’s why I think HBO is calling it an ongoing series. I didn’t say to them, “Guys, this is going to be nine episodes, and it’s going to be like ‘Chernobyl,’ and then we should just walk away.” And so it’s unfair for me now to say, I’m changing the rules.
I do think that there has to be space for private, personal conversations that happen between HBO and I. My guess is some of those conversations are going to start happening this week, and I probably won’t be sharing them with the press. I don’t think it’s appropriate to do so. But I can tell you, at this moment in time that you and I are talking, I haven’t said anything to you that I haven’t said to HBO, and vice versa.
What I suspect happened here is Lindelof said it was only going to be one season because this one season was so emotionally exhausting and terrifying, as he was just waiting to be torn apart by either Watchmen fans or for being a white guy telling a racially sensitive story. When the critics and fans loved it, I think it relieved a great deal of that pressure. I just hope he doesn’t agree to do something unless he has a firm grasp on what it will be — but I have faith that the creator of The Leftovers will be able to handle it.
2. Yesterday, researchers announced they may have found a mass grave in Tulsa that could possibly bear the victims of the Tulsa Massacre. Let us hope we can shed more light on this dark spot in history.
Live in Front of a Studio Audience returns tomorrow night with performances of episodes of All in the Family and Good Times. And in a nice touch, ABC is going to run 70s-style promos for The Good Doctor, A Million Little Things, The Rookie, Stumptown, The Bachelor, Jimmy Kimmel Live, Jeopardy! The Greatest of All Time, The Oscars and New Year’s Rockin’ Eve. Sure, it’s a stunt, but it’s a fun stunt.
Here’s an oral history of that Folgers ad that you definitely thought was about incest. FUN FACT: one of the people interviewed is Timothy Simons, the actor who played Jonah on Veep, who served as the cameraman for the auditions and callbacks for the ad.
And while we’re discussing commercials, in the wake of the Hallmark Channel ad debacle, Twitter started a hashtag: #AdsThatShouldBePulled:
Didn't plantation owners bring slaves in the house like this. Around the late 1800s..🤷♂️
I would pull this ad. pic.twitter.com/4vkqGEotGn
— RobsAtomic (@RobsAtomic) December 16, 2019
Top Pick: How about the Lamisil ad where the fungus monster rips back the toenail. Sweet Jesus! #AdsThatShouldBePulled pic.twitter.com/HrVCxcyAOr
— You Ready Grandma (@YouReadyGrandma) December 16, 2019
Those awkward Charmin Bear commercials. JUST. NO. #AdsThatShouldBePulled pic.twitter.com/t8ept1OCbe
— Laura (@LauraFS1984) December 16, 2019
And here are my nominees:
1. The Golden Corrall commercial where the 8-year-old quotes Midnight Cowboy:
Hey, Golden Corral? It's REALLY SUPER WEIRD to have an 8-year-old quote a tragic film about a male prostitute to sell New York Strips. Super weird.https://t.co/Xa2BpPSl82
— thereseodell (@thereseodell) October 11, 2019
2. And the Kerasal ads where the woman’s hands are her FUCKING FEET. ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Oh lordt. After yesterday’s View non-fight, Meghan McCain tweeted, comparing herself to Daenerys. It did not go well:
She ended up a genocidal monster who had to be killed to save the world so…. https://t.co/DxWkK2pcfV
— Mikki Kendall (@Karnythia) December 17, 2019
Claiming entitlement to power because of who their dad is
— take these broken hawks and learn to fly (@thrillout) December 17, 2019
This ain’t it, Aryan Lannister.
— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) December 17, 2019
The Emmys have changed their rules again. While there is a sorta interesting rule change regarding hanging episodes, the most hilarious change is this:
Elsewhere, all self-published programming, including short-form, will be vetted to determine if the show is “suitably competitive” to be nominated. In the kids’ categories, only experts in the genre, the Children’s Programming and Animation Peer Group voting members, will be allowed to vote.
This is entirely about Megan Amram, and her hilarious attempts to win an Emmy in the short form category.
The Academy is yet again trying to quash my power. But my power……….. WILL ONLY GROW. MY POWER, WILL ONLY GROW! #AnEmmyForMegan #MultipleRuleChangesForMegan https://t.co/VeW74jUtQU
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) December 17, 2019
Hey — Jordan Klepper swung back by The Daily Show last night with a taped piece from one of Trump’s recent rallies.
Oh, Jesus. Frank Darabont and AMC are still fighting?
Caroline Flack, the host of the U.K. Love Island, has resigned from the show following the assault charges that were brought against her.
Preach, Gabrielle Union: “Don’t be the happy negro that does the bidding of the status quo because you’re afraid. Don’t allow them to call you angry when someone else is called passionate. It’s terrifying. There’s a solid chance you’ll lose your job … I speak from experience.”
- Van Helsing has been renewed for a fifth and final season on Syfy.
- Daybreak has been canceled at Netflix after one season.
- Epic, a romantic anthology series set in the Disney universe from the Once Upon a Time kids, has been set at ABC.
- A Greta Thunberg documentary is in the works at Hulu.
- The Sidelines, a mom cheerleader comedy starring Ali Later, is in development at Fox.
- A Turner and Hooch series is in the works at Disney+.
- Legends of the Hidden Temple is being rebooted at Quibi.
- The 12 Dates of Christmas, a dating series, is coming to HBO Max.
- Just Watch Me is being developed into a TV series.
- The Property Brothers have extended their contract with HGTV through 2022.
- Viola Davis, Rob Morgan, and Aisling Franciosi will join the Sandra Bullock Netflix drama, Unforgiven (title may change).
- Monica Ruiz, the Peloton lady, will guest star on The Bold and the Beautiful.
- Frank Grillo will recur on Billions on Showtime.
Mark Your Calendars
- Kevin Hart: Don’t Fuck This Up will debut on Netflix on December 27.
- Duncanville will premiere on Fox in February.
- Medical Police will debut on Netflix on January 10.
- Aileen Wuornos: The Mind of a Killer will premiere on Investigation Discovery on January 1.
Cosmo, The Fuller House dog
The Voice: The three-hour finale. It really begins at 8, but if you want to relive the season, tune in at 7. Season finale. 7 p.m., NBC
The Simpsons marathon: All 661 episodes begin airing tonight, on the 30th anniversary of The Simpsons‘ premiere. 7 p.m., FXX
The Dogs of the Year: THEY’RE ALL GOOD DOGS, BRENT. 7 p.m., The CW
Well Groomed: Speaking of dogs, this is a documentary about the crazy world of competitive dog grooming. 8 p.m., HBO
Ronny Chieng: Asian Comedian Destroys America: The Daily Show correspondent’s first Netflix stand-up special. Netflix
The Resident: Devon and Conrad face a moral dilemma. Fall finale. 7 p.m., Fox
Empire: Lucious refuses to take no as an answer. Fall finale. 8 p.m., Fox
NCIS: Ziva has one last thing she needs to do before returning to her family. Fall finale. 7 p.m., CBS
FBI: A kidnapping victim is linked to a series of murders. Fall finale. 8 p.m., CBS
NCIS: New Orleans: The Barrett investigation uncovers a malicious plot. Fall finale. 9 p.m., CBS
- Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon: John Lithgow, Liam Payne
- Late Night with Seth Meyers: Robert De Niro, Guy Pearce, Joe Pera
- The Late Show with Stephen Colbert: Jamie Foxx
- The Late Late Show with James Corden: Jenny Slate, Kristen Schaal, Rick Schwartz, guest host Ken Jeong
- Jimmy Kimmel Live: Adam Sandler, Kevin Garnett, Karen Gillan
- The Daily Show: Zozibini Tunzi
- Conan: “Weird Al” Yankovic, Stuart Goldsmith
- Lights Out with David Spade: Erik Griffin, Cristela Alonzo, King Bach
- Watch What Happens Live: Harry Hamlin, Shannon Beador
- A Little Late with Lily Singh: Leslie Odom Jr.
|ABC||A Charlie Brown Christmas||Olaf’s Frozen Adventure||Shrek the Halls||The Conners
|Bless This Mess
|NCIS: New Orleans
|CW||Dogs of the Year