‘Bachelor in Paradise’: The return of Mayor McCheese

Bachelor in Paradise
August 12, 2019

Let’s just cut to the rose ceremony WHICH SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED IN THE PREVIOUS EPISODE BUT WHATEVER.

Charlie Brown’s Teacher: Red Flag
Play-Doh: Miami Mami
Harry Potter: V-Card
Fumbles: Another NBA Dancer
John Paul Jones: Carrot Top
Vanilla Ice: Miss North Carolina
Humphrey Bogart: Empty Gift Box
Cowboy: Piggyback Ride
Smug Chris: Olya Povlatsky

Which means we say goodbye to three women: Bearer of the Poisonous Tacos, Dog Stalker; Trauma Care and her copious tears; and the adorable and underappreciated Manguita. You deserved better, Manguita.

Meanwhile, among the people remaining, that turd Cowboy is SO UPSET that Empty Gift Box received Humphrey Bogart’s rose and not his, as if it makes any difference: they’re all still in Paradise, right? No one went home, so who cares who gave whom a meaningless symbolic gesture?

But he pouts about it that night and then continues pouting into the next morning but no one cares because boo-fucking-hoo, dude.

The first of our new imports arrives that morning, and it is none other than the most oblivious, narcissistic and hilariously vapid contestant on any of these shows ever, Jordan, or Zoolander as I called him because:

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Now, by all rights, Zoolander should not be in Paradise because the last we saw of him, he was engaged to the delightfully kooky E.T. HOWEVER, TRAGICALLY, their engagement ended the very same day their engagement episode aired when her real boyfriend sent Reality Steve a series of screenshots of their texts where she assured Real Boyfriend that she was only pretending to be into Zoolander for her “business” — her business being existing on Instagram.

And that is why now Zoolander stands before Chris Harrison, explaining that he is ready “mentally, physically, and emotionally” for Paradise — and any stuffed animals inside BETTER LOOK THE FUCK OUT. Chris Harrison gives him the date card and sends him in to an unprepared Paradise.

Zoolander marches in and immediately asks to speak to Empty Gift Box because of course he does. They chat about both being models (wait, she’s a model? she’s like five feet tall, though?) and he tells her that she’s cuter than he imagined.

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After he welcomes her to his beach (the fuck?), Empty Gift Box explains to Zoolander that she’s accepted Humphrey Bogart’s rose and Cowboy is actively pursuing her, so he’d be joining a crowd.

Zoolander also asks to speak to Miami Mami, where we learn that she’s a writer (she is? in what capacity?), and Zoolander assures her that they have a lot in common:

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Mami explains that she just went on a date with Play-doh before giving him the skinny on everyone else: Olya took Cowboy on a date but he is actually interested in Piggyback Ride, and Zoolander is like, “wait, WHAT? Cowboy? The same Cowboy from my season of The Bachelorette? And the person who is ‘actively pursuing’ Empty Gift Box?”

So he takes Olya aside to ask her what the Hell is going on, and she explains the whole Stagecoach scandal — how she “hung out” with him one night, and then he “hung out” with Miss North Carolina the next night — and Zoolander is SCANDALIZED. He then does his gross misogynistic thing where he compares women to food: this time to milk cartons and pudding (gross), before declaring that HE, SELF-DECLARED MAYOR OF PARADISE, HE SHALL PUT AN END TO THIS.

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But first, he’s going to ask Empty Gift Box to go on his date with him. And, somewhat surprisingly, she agrees! For about two minutes. Empty Gift Box finds Zoolander in the men’s dorm and sits him down where she is like, “Yeah, nah, I’ve changed my mind. SORRY! (But not really.)”

Zoolander holds it together with Empty Gift Box, but then immediately finds a camera to rant that EVERYONE NEEDS TO GET OUT OF THEIR HEADS and HAVE SOME COFFEE and LOOK IN A MIRROR and ASK YOURSELF “HOW ARE YOU TODAY?”

I have no idea what he is talking about.

i love words dummy dumb bachelor in paradise jordan bip

AND COWBOY HAS SOME QUESTIONS TO ANSWER because HE CAME BACK TO HIS BEACH TO TAKE OUT A GIRL but COWBOY IS LEADING ALL THE GIRLS ON and HE IS HURTING SEVERAL PEOPLE but ZOOLANDER IS GOING TO PUT AN END TO THIS because HE LOOKS OUT FOR HIS COMMUNITY.

Zoolander then confronts Cowboy, demanding that he CLEAR THIS SHIT UP. IMMEDIATELY.

girl party snl this needs to stop

Meanwhile, Empty Gift Box finds Humphrey Bogart to let him know she changed her mind about going on the date with Zoolander and he is deeply, profoundly relieved.

As for Zoolander, he sighs heavily and asks Miami Mami to join him on his date EVEN THOUGH HE REALLY DOESN’T WANT TO. And despite having made a connection with Play-Doh, Mami agrees to go with him because she’s been trapped in this tequila-soaked sand trap for a week now and she would really like to see the outside world, please.

The date involves ziplining and then hanging out in some sort of treehouse where the former bartender of Paradise, Jorge, claims he lost his virginity. This is information that none of us needed, and also no.

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Anyway, on the date, Mami tells Zoolander a little more about the whole Cowboy-Empty-Gift-Box-Miss-North-Carolina-Olya-Povlatsky-Piggyback-Ride pentagon situation and he starts ranting something about a vegetable garden.

i love words dummy dumb bachelor in paradise jordan bip

Back in Paradise, Miss North Carolina, Red Flag, and Piggyback are talking shit about Cowboy as he plays football on the beach nearby when he stubs his toe on a hidden rock, causing him to lose a toenail. The women find this hilarious.

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The schadenfreude convention is interrupted by Vanilla Ice who asks to speak to Miss North Carolina. Once alone, Vanilla Ice earnestly explains that after the previous night’s rose ceremony he couldn’t sleep, he was so excited, so he wrote down some recollections and thoughts which he wants to share with her now. He proceeds to pull out 239 pages of paper and begins reading from them to a completely mortified Miss North Carolina:

“Guess what, today is a new day and now it will be a great day, want to know why? Because we’re still here in Paradise. (smiley face) I want you to feel safe, protected, and comfortable with me moving forward.”

empire jussie smollett cookie shut up cut it out stop

“Recapping the day: I licked my lower lip and your jalapeno spice from your margarita still lingered there and it brought me such joy.”

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“I’m really excited to embark on this crazy journey and promise to give the real me, all of me … Don’t let the stupid buttheads bring you down.”

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He then offers her this … thing, while yammering in an interview that he is here to find a wife and he has 100% certainty that it will be him and Miss North Carolina at the end of this.

CUE THE NEXT NEW CONTESTANT.

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On his way into Paradise, Mike Johnson whom I called Mike Johnson because it’s one of those kinds of names that requires you to say the whole thing, sincerely explains to Chris Harrison that he’s never going to quit trying to find love and he’s completely ready for this. With that, Chris Harrison hands him the date card and sends him inside.

Every woman and some of the men upon seeing him:

blanche golden girls hot and bothered sexy spray flirting interested

Considerably less excited to see Mike Johnson: Vanilla Ice who blames Mike Johnson for his elimination from The Bachelorette. If I remember correctly, Vanilla Ice tried to tell Hannah that he had some sort of terrible disease and he nearly lost a leg and he had to give up a puppy and his grandma died and his girlfriend broke up with him and  9/11 happened and there’s global warming. And then Mike Johnson told Hannah that Vanilla Ice only told her all that because he wanted to receive a pity rose. It didn’t go well for Vanilla Ice.

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ANYWAY. Mike Johnson first asks to talk to Miss North Carolina, sending Vanilla Ice into a panic spiral.

After, he asks to speak with Carrot Top, who is ready to get engaged after five minutes.

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But Mike Johnson, to both Vanilla Ice and Carrot Top’s disappointment, asks Miss North Carolina to join him on the date, and she happily accepts.

The date involves them in a private courtyard, talking about how much it sucks to be dumped on national television and Mike Johnson saying over and over again that he needs to stop smiling for some reason. And then they are ambushed by a manada of mariachis and they reveal that they are both TERRIBLE dancers.

Back in Paradise, Vanilla Ice sobs through an interview about how he JUST WANTS TO GET MARRIED SOOOOOOO BADLY. HE IS READY TO GIVE MISS NORTH CAROLINA THE WORLD, CAN MIKE JOHNSON SAY THAT? ALL HE’S BEEN THINKING ABOUT IS MAKING TWO PHONE CALLS: ONE TO THE PARENTS OF HIS FIANCE ASKING FOR HER HAND IN MARRIAGE AND ONE TO HIS OWN PARENTS LETTING THEM KNOW THAT HE’S ENGAGED AND NOW MIKE JOHNSON HAS RUINED EVERYTHING. AGAIN.

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Oh, and Zoolander and Mami return from their date, and she makes a beeline for Play-Doh whom she kisses and cuddles because Zoolander is a joke.

In my favorite moment of the episode, Harry Potter realizes that if he wants to stick around he will need to convince someone to give him their rose. Deciding that V-Card is as good a person as any, he sets up some little treat for her. However, when he shows her what he’s done for her, and tells her that he’s interested in getting to know her better because she’s a beautiful unapologetic person, she stops him. Out of fucking nowhere, V-Card begins crying and tells him that everything he is saying is perfect and right, but that she can’t do a love pentagon or octagon, that it’s not fair to anyone. She doesn’t want to shut this door but she has to and it’s not her jam and it’s not fair but it’s not going to be happening between them right now and it’s not fair.

Harry Potter:

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Smug Chris swoops in, sits her down, and tells her that he respects her, that he’s there for her, and he wants to be with her. And she is like, “YES GAWD.”

Finally, the continuing saga of Cowboy –  Empty Gift Box – Humphrey Bogart. Cowboy asks to speak to Empty, and she agrees. He whines that he missed her during the day, and she’s like “I mean, I was here the entire time, you could have talked to me anytime you wanted …” He blah blahs about how he’s pursuing her and he can feel in his gut that there is something between them.

Then, right there on the beach in full view of the entire bar where Humphrey Bogart and everyone else are sitting, Cowboy asks her to dance “in the moonlight” with him …

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… and she does, while Olya is like, “YEP, THAT’S THE MOVE HE PULLED ON ME, TOO.”

But then, just to be REAL ASSHOLES, Cowboy and Empty begin kissing — again, RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF EVERYONE — and that’s enough for Humphrey Bogart. He goes stomping over to interrupt and asks to speak to Empty, but Cowboy argues that he had her all day and that he respected their time, so Humphrey should respect him now.

Humphrey turns back to Empty to ask her WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON, but she just chews on her hair like an idiot. She eventually tells Humphrey that she’ll talk to him later, and she and Cowboy go cuddle on a beach bed while Humphrey is left asking WHAT THE FUCK IS EVEN HAPPENING?

what the fuck dog confused

I don’t know, dude, but maybe this is all bullshit?

The rejects still in Paradise:

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The rejects who have been further rejected:

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Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays and Tuesdays on ABC at 7/8 p.m.

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