Bachelor in Paradise
August 6, 2019
QUICK RECAP: Red Flag and Charlie Brown’s Teacher are into each other; Empty Gift Box and Humphrey Bogart: into each other; Cowboy went out on a date with Piggyback Ride before everyone learned that he hooked up with both Miss North Carolina and Olya Polvatsky in one 24-hour period at some Contempo Country Music festival (which might be the grossest part of all) and now he’s on a date with Olya Povlatsky and about to be torn a new cowhole.
Cowboy and Olya go on a dune buggy ride, and to Cowboy’s credit, he’s brave enough to allow Olya to drive, trusting that she isn’t about to Thelma and Louise them both. After their ride, he’s like, “Alright … why are we here? Because I know it’s not about you wanting to drive dune buggies.”
Olya opens with how nervous she was to return to Paradise after she allowed Dean, who I nicknamed Kewpie Doll because:
to treat her like shit, but she was hopeful nonetheless, and she wants a second chance to find love. She then reminds him what happened between them: they met a while back, had some fun together and then he slept with her at Stagecoach only to sleep with Miss North Carolina THE NEXT DAY? WHAT THE FUCK?
Cowboy argues that he took things with Miss North Carolina too far, for sure, and the next morning they woke up and were both like, “WHOA WHOA WHOA. THIS WAS A MISTAKE. LET’S JUST BE FRIENDS.”
Miss North Carolina when she sees this episode:
Olya is not impressed with this explanation and tells him that his behavior hurt her, and Cowboy is like, “Well, I made my bed, I have to sleep in it,” opening the door for Olya to ask if he changed the sheets.
Cowboy, furious that he is being called out for his shitty behavior, pouts that he and Miss North Carolina were single adults and could do what they wanted. He then demands to know if Olya still has feelings for him, because that’s the only explanation he can come up with for why she’s attacking him this way. Olya explains that in fact, she does not have feelings for him, but that he needs to see and acknowledge that his shitty behavior is shitty and not do it to anyone else.
Cowboy whines that Olya is treating him like this “really bad person,” AND HE IS NOT, before whining that he would NEVER be so mean to Olya. Cowboy then stomps off, ending the “date.”
Back in Paradise, everyone is gossiping about Cowboy and Olya’s past, wondering if Olya wants to rekindle things with him … or what … while Miss North Carolina grouses that she can’t believe that Cowboy is on ANOTHER date, acting like he’s THE GODDAMNED BACHELOR UP IN HERE. And he hasn’t bothered to try to talk to her AT ALL.
And so, by the time Cowboy returns from his
date reaming out by Olya, Miss North Carolina is thoroughly worked up and READY TO GIVE HIM A PIECE OF HER MOTHERFUCKING MIND.
Miss North Carolina explains to Cowboy that she’s feeling horrible, and disrespected. When he asks who is disrespecting her, and she tells him that it’s HIM OBVIOUSLY, Cowboy seems genuinely shocked. “BY ME? REALLY?”
He argues that they agreed to just be friends, and she’s like, “No, YOU decided that. When we’d talk on the phone and you’d say that, I would get quiet. But you called me a mistake. And then we get here and you don’t even acknowledge me — you treat me like a dirty secret. A slimy, disgusting secret. I was willing to lie for you.”
Cowboy insists that he’s so sorry, that he didn’t know she felt this way, that he thought they had moved on! That they were past it! He’s so sorry! He feels so bad!
But the second she leaves, he mutters to himself that she’s insane. Cool cool cool, so he’s definitely feeling remorseful and owning his shit.
Miss North Carolina cries and cries to Carrot Top, and soon all the other women know what happened with Cowboy and Olya and Miss North Carolina and they are like GROSS, NO THANK YOU PLEASE, including Piggyback Ride who just 24 hours earlier was so excited at the prospect of possibly earning his date rose.
Elsewhere, Harry Potter takes Empty Gift Box aside to chat, and stick his tongue in her mouth while Humphrey Bogart isn’t looking. Humphrey Bogart does eventually interrupt them and takes Empty Gift Box aside, who immediately confesses that Harry Potter kissed her. Humphrey Bogart asks if she’s into him, and Empty is honest: she doesn’t know? Humphrey Bogart tells her that he understands — the point of Paradise is to meet people and explore feelings and figure out stuff but also too fuck that guy.
And then there’s Play-Doh, who attracts everyone’s attention when he works out on the beach because he’s a giant slab of beef. Manguita, in particular, is very into him, and with All-4-Wells’ encouragement, she takes him aside to chat. There, he tells her that she’s attractive six or seven times. That’s it. That’s their entire conversation.
In contrast, he has a much deeper conversation with Miami Mami about relationships and how he didn’t tell the last person he was with that he loved her and then they cuddle on one of those beach beds. So when the date card arrives, and it’s for Play-Doh and it’s no surprise that he asks Miami Mami to go with him. I mean, it’s a surprise to Manguita, but it’s not a surprise to anyone else.
Meanwhile, Trauma Care, this piece of work right here, she still has some thoughts about Play-Doh dating after having broken up with her friend Batman: namely that HE IS NOT ALLOWED TO. She confronts Play-Doh as he is about to leave — HE’S BREAKING BATMAN’S HEART BY BEING HERE, THE TWO OF THEM WERE SHOPPING FOR HOUSES AND NAMING THEIR BABIES JUST A FEW WEEKS AGO, HOW COULD HE DO THIS TO
TRAUMA CARE BATMAN?
Play-Doh is like, “I don’t know what you think happened, but Batman and I broke up months ago, and I’m ready to move on.” Trauma Care keeps insisting that he’s not there for the “right reasons,” he’s only in Paradise because no NFL team picked him, and he doesn’t have two feet on the ground, AND SHE IS JUST SAYING ALL OF THIS AS A FRIEND.
Fortunately for Play-Doh, Miami Mami rescues him and the two go on their date which involves a local carnival, bull riding, and dancing. At the “dinner” portion of the date, Play-Doh explains what was going on with Trauma Care and Batman and all that and assures Miami Mami that he is over his ex, despite what that lunatic Trauma Care might have to say about it.
Back at Paradise, Trauma Care, this crazy asshole, she is LITERALLY IN TEARS over Play-Doh and his completely reasonable decision to take Miami Mami on a date. Trauma Care explains to an incredulous Red Flag that it felt like having a conversation with “10 ex-boyfriends” when they knew they had been “caught.”
Trauma Care assures Red Flag that she didn’t want to have that talk with him … “So why did you?” asks Red Flag on behalf of the entire audience. “I mean, right before his date with Miami Mami? Was that the best time?” After explaining to the audience that “Meemaw is off her meds,” Red Flag advises Trauma Care to STAY OUT OTHER PEOPLE’S BIDNESS.
The next day is Rose Ceremony Day, which Cowboy prepares for by sobbing in an interview about how he screwed up and it’s going to have an impact on everyone in his life and this is REAL LIFE and NOT JUST TELEVISION and his life is OVER as he knows it.
And then everyone gets all dolled up for the Rose ceremony and meet at the drama palapa where Chris Harrison orders them to GET MINGLIN’.
Thus begins the mad dash of the insecure to find someone, anyone, to give them a rose. This includes poor Trauma Care who throws herself at Smug Chris, a sobbing Manguita and, most hilariously, Dog Stalker who, having internalized that old nugget that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, brings John Paul Jones a plate of tacos. Unfortunately for John Paul Jones and Dog Stalker’s chances of remaining at Paradise past this night, something in the tacos does not agree with John Paul Jones and he immediately and violently begins vomiting all over the beach. I mean, just vomiting everywhere for a solid 15 minutes.
WHAT WAS IN THAT TACO? JESUS CHRIST, DOG STALKER.
As for Cowboy, he takes Piggyback aside to see if she’ll give him another chance, but she explains that Olya painted him in a bad light and that he needs to clear this situation up because it’s only going to get worse.
So Cowboy takes Miss North Carolina aside? Even though Piggyback specifically said Olya? I don’t know. The point is, he takes Miss North Carolina aside, tells her he’s sorry, that he didn’t want her to feel like a dirty little secret. And she’s like, “Just fix your shit and let’s move on.”
*UPDATE: At least one party did not move on, nor did he fix his shit. This fucker, Cowboy, he posted screenshots of text messages between himself and Miss North Carolina in an attempt to prove his side of the story. It proved nothing except that Miss North Carolina wasn’t clear enough with her discomfort with the whole situation and that he tried to pressure her into lying about what happened because he didn’t want to ruin his chances with other women in Paradise. It was a shitty thing for him to do, and doesn’t make him look better.
And Miss North Carolina does move on. Unfortunately for her, however, she moves on towards Vanilla Ice. NO, GIRL, NO. RUN AWAY. RUN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION FROM THAT.
Elsewhere, Empty Gift Box takes Harry Potter aside to be like, “it’s never going to happen,” and though he takes it well at the moment, he becomes emotional in the interview and I want to give him a hug.
After, Humphrey Bogart receives assurance from Empty that she has discouraged Harry Potter, and he becomes puffed up on unearned confidence, only to have it be deflated when OUT OF NOWHERE, Cowboy swoops in and asks to talk to her. He takes Empty to that tree house space where he admits that the past three days have been crazy, that since he got to Paradise he did everything wrong, but that stops NOW and he wants to see where her head is.
Empty Gift Box admits that she came into Paradise wanting to see where their connection could go, but then he CHOSE PIGGYBACK OVER HER, SO YOU KNOW. SHE’S MOVED ON.
Cowboy tries to claim that he is at Paradise for her (despite all the evidence to the contrary), before asking if he still has a chance with her. And this idiot, Empty, is like, “Well, it’s only the first week, I’m not committed to anyone,” and begins making out with him BECAUSE OF COURSE SHE DOES.
Empty Gift Box returns to the bar and collects Humphrey Bogart to have a talk. To her credit, she admits to kissing Cowboy, and she’s sorry but she doesn’t know and um yeah and um.
Empty tells Red Flag about Cowboy and Red Flag is like “EW. NO. HE’S A LOSER.”
Red Flag is genuinely the very best and she should be behind the bar with All-4-Wells.
Speaking of All-4-Wells, he pries at Empty Gift Box a little, too. She admits that if she met Humphrey Bogart outside of all this, she’d be all in, that he’s great. But there’s Cowboy. All-4-Wells tells her that he can see something is drawing her to Cowboy, and she needs to follow her heart.
As for where her heart takes her, we don’t know because this dumb show ends right before the first rose ceremony.
Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays and Tuesdays on ABC at 7/8 p.m.