The Bachelorette
July 29, 2019
Now that we have fumigated the series for misogynistic fundamentalist dimwits, Chris Harrison returns our show to Crete to resume the interrupted rose ceremony.
Chris Harrison returns the rose podium to its original place as the three remaining men burble to the camera about how they can see Hannah as their wives and that they are “1,000%” FOR IT.
Hannah returns and explains to the men that they are amazing and she’s had an amazing week — because “AMAZING” is this episode’s secret word:
… and this sucks because she’s breaking her own heart by sending one of them home but THEMS THE BREAKS.
Rose #1: Guitar Guy
Rose #2: Footloose
Hannah, sobbing, leads a shocked SHOCKED! Windmill Pilot Peter out to the Πηγαίνετε στο σπίτι τώρα Van, but before she loads him into it, she tells him that everything in their relationship was perfect and that he was a dream guy, but just not perfect or dreamy enough, apparently. She then compares him to her childhood Ken doll which just generates more questions than answers about how, exactly, what happened in that windmill happened. She then repeats that she had an amazing week with him …
… but bye.
Well, bye for now, Pilot Two-Times Peter. If I were a betting woman, I’d put money on you being chosen as the next Bachelor. While I’d rather see them choose Mike Johnson BECAUSE IT IS WAAAAY PAST TIME, the Bachelor audience seems to love you despite having the face and personality of a wet potato, and you’re pretty white so you have a solid 90% chance of having this thing in the bag.
Because Shower Jesus went and upended the Men Tell All special, we then pause the taped part of the show to return to the studio so that we can gawk at Pilot Peter while he makes sad faces and talks about how he will always have some love for Hannah. His family is in the audience, and Mamacita, she is sobbing.
Pilot Peter reveals that he knew he was in love with Hannah when they were in Latvia, but he was hesitant to tell her even during the Dreaded Hometowns because of reasons.
Hannah joins Pilot Peter on the couch where he talks about how wonderful Crete was and how waking up next to her was amazing …
… because I suppose he forgot that his mother IS SITTING RIGHT THERE. And anyway, he was wondering if she could pinpoint when the turning point was for her — what went wrong and when?
Hannah, however, has some bad news: if he was looking for a concrete answer, she doesn’t have one. He was great! Just not as great as the other two guys.
Pilot Peter wonders why she kept saying their relationship was a “slow burn” when it seemed pretty hot and heavy, and she’s like, “yeah, but making out with someone isn’t the same thing as telling them you’re in love with them and you just took too long to get to that part.”
There’s some more boring blah blahs, and wrapping the segment up, Chris Harrison cheekily says that no one will look at a windmill the same way ever again … and Pilot Peter’s parents are laughing and clapping, oh no.
BUT THEN, JUST TO MAKE IT SOMEHOW EVEN MORE CRINGEY, Hannah announces that she lied about making the sex twice in the windmill — they actually made the sex FOUR TIMES.
People begin passing out in the audience. There are people dying in the aisles. I might be dying. Wait, let me check if I am dying … yep, I might be dead.
As Hannah laughs about Shower Jesus’ heart exploding somewhere in Georgia and Chris Harrison jokes that Pilot Peter’s father’s chest just puffed up, Pilot Peter adds that Jesus still loves them both, and I REMIND YOU, SIR, YOUR MOTHER IS. SITTING. RIGHT. THERE.
Wait, WAIT — she’s laughing and applauding, too.
So, a few things:
- Four times? Congratulations to them both, I suppose, but it does beg some pretty big questions for Hannah like, “HOW DO YOU SEND A FOUR-TIMER HOME?” and “HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND SENDING HOME A GUY THAT YOU HAD ENOUGH SEXUAL CHEMISTRY WITH THAT YOU WOULD WANT TO FUCK HIM FOUR TIMES IN ONE NIGHT? DO YOU ACTUALLY THINK YOU’RE GOING TO DO BETTER?”
- As a parent of two boy children, one of whom is technically an adult now, I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW THE DETAILS OF ANY OF THEIR BUSINESS AND I CERTAINLY DO NOT WANT TO LEARN THE DETAILS OF ANY OF THEIR BUSINESS ON NATIONAL TELEVISION. NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT. NO.
- And I know Pilot Peter is super proud of this revelation about his prowess but if he’s really hoping to become the next Bachelor … all I’m saying is that this is setting up some high expectations for the Fantasy Suites. It’s one thing to be able to perform four times in one night, it’s a whole other thing to be able to perform four times in three consecutive nights.
And then onto the borrrrrrrring second half of the episode.
Hannah’s parents and some other random family members we are never properly introduced to arrive in Crete to meet her final two choices. First up: Footloose. She tells her family that Footloose’s parents are divorced, his dad is sick, he’s told her that he loves her, and he did not schtup her in the Fantasy Suite. “HMM, INTERESTING,” says Hannah’s transparent father.
Upon meeting the parents, Footloose tells her parents that they should be proud of their daughter and how admirably she has conducted herself in this entire process and that it has been so much fun to get to know her. Hannah then explains that Footloose is a dancer, and nearly minored in dance in college. We finally learn what that was all about: this dumdum here, he was clearly on an athletic scholarship (for football, I think) and he did so poorly in so many of his classes his freshman year, that they made him take a bunch of easy-ass classes, mostly in dance, to try to bring up his GPA. So what I’m saying here is that Footloose might be pretty, and he might be super-feminist and awesome, and he might be really gentle and kind, and he might be my favorite, but he ain’t the brightest bulb on the tree. (Then again, he has an MBA and I don’t, so who’s the real dummy?)
But also he can do a pirouette? AND THEY DON’T MAKE HIM DO A PIROUETTE?
Hannah’s mother chats with Footloose, who tells her that her daughter made the experience worthwhile, and promises her that he’ll never lie to Hannah. He also tells her that he wants Hannah to be his wife and best friend before swearing to her that he’ll be her biggest cheerleader.
Hannah’s father’s first question for Footloose was about the whole Fantasy Suite situation, and he wonders what Footloose thought about not getting it on that night. Footloose explains that he has so much respect for his daughter and that he wanted her to feel loved and cared for the right way. They spent the night talking and connecting and that’s really what the Fantasy Suites are all about. Footloose adds that he loves his daughter and wants her to be the mother of his children.
Hannah’s parents when Footloose is done with them:
And they both tell Hannah as much.
Hannah walks Footloose out, where she explains that she didn’t know what her feelings were for him: was she falling in love, or just falling in lust? But she’s happy to tell him that she now has clarity and it is definitely love. Great! So Footloose’s parents are on board, and her parents are on board, and she’s in love with this sweet tree trunk of a man … what could go wrong?
Next to meet the parents is Guitar Guy, who Hannah describes as being a person that could “fit into [her] life.” When she brings him inside, she tells her parents that Guitar Guy had a really great First Night line, because THAT’S IMPORTANT, and that he’s a singer/songwriter. He confirms that music is indeed the path he’s chosen, and Hannah’s parents, they are not impressed.
Guitar Guy talks to Hannah’s father first, where he asks Guitar Guy how he’s going to provide for his daughter, and Guitar Guy, he replies that he has recently had a major accomplishment: he signed a deal …
OH YES? GO ON.
… with a dog food company for a jingle.
Hannah’s father:
Hannah’s father impresses upon Guitar Guy that in their family, there is no return policy on marriage, they consider it a one-time deal, and he just wants to make sure they understand that financial issues are the main thing that stresses marriages and leads to divorce.
And then in an interview, Guitar Guy is all, “WHAT PART OF ‘DOG FOOD JINGLE’ ISN’T GOOD ENOUGH?”
Hannah’s mother, she also stresses the financial aspect of a potential marriage, and he insists that he’s seen plenty of successful marriages in the music business.
Hannah’s mother:
When Hannah asks her mother what she thinks of Guitar Guy, Hannah’s mother says, and I quote, “He has qualities.”
God bless Southern women.
She adds that this is Hannah’s decision, but that she just has more confidence in Footloose because he’s “on his own,” and also, have you looked at the man? Really opened your eyeballs and looked at the man? Because if you’ve looked at Footloose, it’s unclear how there could be any real contest between him and LEGO-head here.
Hannah, she doesn’t want to hear it, and she’s made even more unhappy when her father tells her that while his conversation with Guitar Guy was fine, he’s an “over-explainer” and Footloose was more direct. Also, her father adds with clear derision, when he asked Gutiar Guy about his accomplishments, “he was proud of a dog food jingle.”
All Hail Daddy Brown.
Hannah pouts that she doesn’t need a man to support her, she can take care of her damn self, and her dad is like, “Whatever, it’s your choice, we just don’t want you to settle for a puffy-headed jingle-writer.”
When Hannah takes Guitar Guy outside, she is radiating “OH NO THIS IS TERRIBLE MY PARENTS HATE YOU,” and he picks up on it right away. He asks her to talk to him about what is going on, and she unloads that things are going really well with Footloose and that she’s now very properly confused about what to do. “THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T DATE TWO PEOPLE AT THE SAME TIME,” she cries out.
Guitar Guy who left a girlfriend back home:
Guitar Guy assures Hannah that he believes in her and what they have and blah blah lying liar lies blah.
So, the final dates. For her final date with Footloose, they overcome a challenge: horseback riding. It goes fine. And then they talk about how it went with her parents, she tells him that they loved him and he says it was an amazing day.
That night, she goes to Footloose’s hotel, while voice-overing that they have the best dates together — they’re “amazing … ”
… and he adds that it’s amazing to hear how her family responded to him.
He offers a toast to a special day that “felt amazing.”
And he adds that he believes they’ll have a kickass marriage, with lots of kids they will drag around to basketball and football practices. Yo, I’ve been there, and I’m here to tell y’all it’s not that great.
Hannah and Footloose go to the bedroom where she talks about how Footloose could “protect” her and “keep [her] safe” and that they would have the “sweetest family and the cutest babies.” And this, this right here, this is the stuff that gives your angry feminists headaches, genuinely.
For Guitar Guy’s date, they go on the requisite boat date, and Guitar Guy here, he doesn’t bring a bathing suit. This means that as the boat gets going, he takes off his shirt but is left wearing his dad khaki shorts with a leather belt, reminding me of all the tragic 70-somethings I would see in the gym exercising in their chinos, polo shirts, and boat shoes.
But it’s poor Hannah who bears the brunt of the boat ride, becoming violently seasick and throwing up over the side. IT’S A SIGN, GIRL. EVEN THE OCEAN THINKS GUITAR GUY IS A BAD IDEA.
That night in his hotel, Hannah admits to Guitar Guy that she’s feeling anxious about her big decision. She tells him that she feels loved by him, but her dad was so skeptical. It really made her stop and think about how passionate Guitar Guy is about music and how finding a balance can be difficult — they are both going to have to sacrifice for each other. Guitar Guy insists that no matter what, he’ll step up to the plate and that more than anything, he wants to take care of her, and blah blah blah he loves her no matter what blah.
And in conclusion, Hannah doesn’t have the ever-elusive clarity she needs — meaning, everyone, her parents, his parents, the goddamned ocean, they all have told her LOUDLY and CONCLUSIVELY that Guitar Guy is the WRONG CHOICE, but she’s going to choose him anyway.
Part Two Cometh.
Say goodbye to the men who have been eliminated:
Here are the men along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” The Beast. All nicknames subject to change when I — or one of you — think of something better:
The Bachelorette airs Mondays on ABC at 7/8 p.m.