June 17, 2019
ALRIGHT, LOOK. I am behind. Three episodes behind, in fact, which is a whole lot behind on a show that is two hours long each week. Fortunately (?) for me, this first episode is only one hour of actual material, with the second hour devoted to a recap of what has happened in the previous five episodes because the producers think that you have the memories of Goddamned goldfish. I’m just going to skip the recap if that’s cool with you guys.
Last we left Hannah and Shower Jesus, she was explaining to him that thanks to their absolutely disastrous one-on-one date and thanks to his head which is entirely made of bone, she is unable to give him the date rose. Shower Jesus, who clearly has never been dumped in his life, blinks uncomprehendingly for a few moments before announcing that he’s “very confused.” He protests that they just didn’t have a chance to really explore things with each other on their date, and Hannah is all, “YEAH. THAT’S THE POINT. THAT’S WHAT WE WERE SUPPOSED TO DO ON THIS DATE AND WE DIDN’T DO IT, WHICH IS WHY I’M SENDING YOU HOME NOW.” Shower Jesus tries to “take ownership” of the situation, and Hannah’s like, “Super. I’m still sending you home and I want you to respect that.”
And for a minute, Shower Jesus does appear to respect her decision. But then, instead of getting into the YE GEH HOME, YE SOOTHERN PANSY Van, Shower Jesus wanders around in the woods for a while before stomping back inside to Hannah to announce that he’s not going anywhere.
He again takes the blame for messing up the entire situation, claiming that he did, in fact, know that something was wrong, but that he didn’t know what to do because he “didn’t know what emotions [he] was having.” He claims, despite all evidence of the contrary, that he felt like “crying” and “screaming” during the date, before moving over to a corner of the room and half-heartedly yelling that he would “move mountains” for her and that he “HATES THIS!”
Hannah, still unconvinced, points out that he just spent the date saying the same things that he had said to her a zillion times already, which YES. GO ON, HANNAH. YOU HAD IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME WHEN YOU SENT HIM HOME, BABY GIRL. But then Shower Jesus starts telling her that he just froze up, that he’s crazy about her, that he wants to marry her …
… and the next thing you know, he’s waltzing back into the hotel, having narrowly avoided the YE GEH HOME, YE SOOTHERN PANSY Van.
Shower Jesus is remarkably forthcoming with the other men, explaining that Hannah told him that their date was The Worst EVER, but that they worked through their issues and while she couldn’t give him a date rose, she wants him at the Rose Ceremony with the rest of them.
The rest of the men:
Arnold Palmer asks Shower Jesus if he brought up any of the other men on the date like he explicitly promised not to, and Shower Jesus, he claims that he did not. Everyone has a skeptical.
Meanwhile, in an interview, Hannah justifies her terrible decision to keep Shower Jesus around with some mumbly bullshit. Good luck with that, honey.
The next day, Shower Jesus goes to a church to talk to Church Jesus about Hannah, because I guess they couldn’t fit the camera crew in the estate’s bathroom to film this scene?
Back at the estate, the men get dressed for the Rose Ceremony and everyone is SO STRESSED because what the actual fuck is going on in her head?
Hannah arrives and begins the night talking about how she wants the men to go deeper with her, she wants them to talk about the PAINFUL shit: their mommy issues, their most humiliating moments in junior high, their resentments towards their fathers, YOU KNOW, REAL STUFF, while also threatening to share the same with them. And not to generalize, but if there’s one thing dudes love to talk about with a woman they barely know, it’s their emotions and vulnerabilities. For sure.
Arnold Palmer is the first to take Hannah aside where after some preliminary chit-chat, he asks her whether or not Shower Jesus was being truthful when he assured him he didn’t talk about any of the other men. Hannah is like, “So let me explain: I had some questions for him about how why he wasn’t getting along with the other men, and he brought up Mike Johnson, Humphrey Bogart, and The Tony Robbins Fan. But he didn’t volunteer their names out of the blue, he was responding to my questions.”
Arnold Palmer doesn’t hear this last part, however, as it’s drowned out by the Kill Bill crazy music.
Arnold Palmer leaves Hannah with Vocal Fry and marches out to the rest of the group where he explains to both them and Shower Jesus that Hannah just told him that he brought up Mike Johnson, Humphrey Bogart, and The Tony Robbins Fan on the date after 1. promising that he wouldn’t mention any of them on the date and 2. swearing that he didn’t mention any of them on the date.
As the other men gasp and fetch their smelling salts, Shower Jesus tries to explain that yes, he mentioned them, but he didn’t talk about them in a negative way. And — I hate to defend this meatloaf — but he’s not wrong. Hannah asked him about his difficulties with the other men in the house and he claimed (falsely) that it was only a few people, specifying those three men in particular. (Although I’m baffled as to how Humphrey Bogart and The Tony Robbins Fan got dragged into this. Collectively, they’ve said MAYBE three words on screen all season.)
But no one listens to anyone else, instead choosing to bicker and raise their voices with one another. Hannah becomes frustrated, and like any parent who cares more about quiet than justice, marches into the room and demands that they STOP because they are PISSING HER OFF.
Hannah declares that if they have anything to ask her, to feel free, and Not A Virgin is like, “Yeah, I do have a question …” before he’s interrupted by Shower Jesus who insists on “clearing up” for Hannah what is going on: basically, Arnold Palmer asked him to not bring up any of the other men on the date, and then he brought up the other men on the date, but it’s not his fault. Not A Virgin is like, “Cool. So, Hannah: my question is, why are you constantly talking about other people on your dates with him — because when we’re together, we’re not talking about other people?”
Hannah explains that he’s right: they don’t talk about other people when they have conversations because Not A Virgin isn’t hated by all the other men in the house. She goes on to assure them that she knows Shower Jesus is an asshole, that she knows no one likes him and insists that she’s not defending him, but adds that she needs them to trust her and STOP YELLING AT EACH OTHER OVER NOTHING.
Shower Jesus tries to “man up” and admit that he lied to everyone when he returned from his one-on-one but Hannah, again, DOES NOT CARE. SHE JUST WANTS THE BICKERING TO STOP. And with that, she stomps into the other room with her drink, like any exhausted mother of
But the arguing, IT DOES NOT STOP. After guzzling her champagne, Hannah storms back downstairs and yells at Shower Jesus to STOP MAKING EXCUSES, and also, EVERYONE STOP FOCUSING ON SHOWER JESUS. SHE IS A GROWN-ASS WOMAN WHO CAN MAKE HER OWN DECISIONS. IT’S NOT JUST SHOWER JESUS WHO IS MAKING HER FEEL PSYCHO, IT’S ALL OF THEM. SHE WANTED TO SHARE THINGS ABOUT HERSELF WITH THEM, BECAUSE THE TRUTH IS NONE OF THEM KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HER, NO ONE HAS EVEN ASKED HER ABOUT HER. ALL THEY DO IS TALK ABOUT STUPID SHIT. SO SHE’S DONE. THEY’VE DEFEATED HER. AND SHE DOESN’T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE.
Sobbing, Hannah leaves the room, while Footloose scolds the rest of the men for ruining her night. The men, chastened, apologize to each other — except for Shower Jesus who announces that he is appreciative of Arnold Palmer’s apology without extending one of his own, thoroughly remaining on brand.
Meanwhile, Hannah sobs to Chris Harrison that none of this is advancing her relationships, and Chris Harrison insists that the men are acting like toddlers because they care about her SO MUCH.
WHAT. EVER. Hannah responds before announcing that the party is over.
So line up, assholes, someone’s about to be punished.
Rose #1: Vocal Fry
Rose #2: Footloose
Rose #3: The Tony Robbins Fan
Rose #4: Pilot Peter
Rose #5: Humphrey Bogart
Rose #6: Arnold Palmer
Rose #7: Shower Jesus.
Which means, goodbye to The Dude, who ended up being considerably less of a shit-stirrer than his bio would have suggested;
And goodbye to Not a Virgin, who is all:
And goodbye to Fumbles, who laments that Shower Jesus is only there for the win and at the cost of Hannah’s happiness and sanity. HE’S NOT WRONG! But he’s still going home.
With that, Hannah tells the remaining men that she is still SO MAD, and insists that they GET THEIR SHIT TOGETHER, before turning on her heel and marching off into the night.
And then there’s an hour of going back over all the crap we’ve been through over the past five episodes because apparently The Bachelor audience has long-term memory issues. But not you, dear readers, which is why I am opting to skip over that part and save it for the “Men Tell All” reunion recap.
Say goodbye to the men who have been eliminated:
Here are the men along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” The Beast. All nicknames subject to change when I — or one of you — think of something better:
The Bachelorette airs Mondays on ABC at 7/8 p.m.