May 27, 2019
We begin this episode with Chris Harrison arriving at the McMANsion with a date card and yet another warning that this is SERIOUS BUSINESS, HANNAH IS SO SERIOUS, YOU GUYS, in hand. BE SERIOUS.
“Pizza Heart, Johnny Appleseed, John Paul Jones, Fumbles, Guitar Guy, Footloose, Mike Johnson, Vanilla Ice: Let’s push our love to the limit.”
Because Vanilla Ice is on the group date, it gives the men a chance to bitch about how he crashed the group date he wasn’t on the week before, with Guitar Guy explaining that Vanilla Ice is taking this whole “bold” thing way out of proportion …
… and that being bold doesn’t mean being an asshole.
On the date, Hannah leads the men into a room where the insufferable Jason Biggs is pretending to help his equally insufferable wife Jenny Mollen deliver a baby. Because this is what The Bachelorette means by SERIOUS BUSINESS: two hacky comedians miming pants-on childbirth.
Hannah explains that she wants to want to be a mother one day, and to that end, she is going to test them on their basic reproductive and baby knowledge, like how to diaper a baby and how long the gestational period lasts. And to the gentleman who revealed that he believes the gestational period lasts “2 weeks,” you can just go ahead and show yourself to the door, Vanilla Ice.
The men are then forced to wear fake pregnancy bellies and have clothespins clamped to their nipples to simulate nursing, and they’re all like, “WOW, ALL OF THIS SUCKS SO MUCH.”
But the grand finale is when the men are strapped into a labor simulator and learn for themselves that contractions are no fucking joke. The luckiest person in the room? The technician turning that knob. HOW DO I APPLY FOR YOUR JOB, MADAM?
That evening, Hannah cheers to a painless night and chats with Guitar Guy at the Party first. Guitar Guy claims he’s never seen a city this big before, and she’s like, “OK, but it’s not like you’re some backwoods rube — you live in Nashville, dude.” He then explains that he wants her to make a wish and chuck a chicken nugget off the roof explaining it’s good luck. Well, maybe not for the person walking down the street minding their own business who is suddenly hit in the head with a chicken nugget.
Also, he maybe pulls the chicken nugget out of his suit jacket? Are these men just stuffing their pockets full of chicken nuggets?
When Mike Johnson chats with Hannah, he takes the time to explain that today’s activities brought up some emotional memories for him: namely that he and his ex, the ex he nearly married, lost a baby in the second trimester. As he is revealing how he still feels guilty for not being a good enough partner for his ex during this time, Vanilla Ice begins lurking in the doorway, and Mike Johnson is like, “One second, dude. I’ll come get you when we’re done.” Mike Johnson returns to his story, only to have Vanilla Ice come back, explaining that he has something “really important” he needs to share with Hannah, and Mike Johnson is like, “YEAH. I GET IT. JUST ONE SECOND.” Vanilla Ice steps out of the doorway, only to come right back in because he has SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT TO TELL HANNAH. REALLY IMPORTANT. FOR SERIOUS.
Mike Johnson, accepting that this asshole isn’t going anywhere, takes his leave, and heads directly out to the other men where he tells them that Vanilla Ice just interrupted him three times. And the other men, already irritated with Vanilla Ice for crashing the group date the week before, are outraged. In particular, Pizza Heart who is NOT. HAVING. IT.
Vanilla Ice begins telling Hannah his Very Important Thing: Since they’re talking about bold gestures …
… he had to resign from his job to be on The Bachelorette.
I mean, don’t most people have to quit their jobs to be on these dumb shows? I know some people have very understanding or accommodating employers, but for the most part, you’re asking your boss for a three-month sabbatical, which unpaid or otherwise is A LOT to expect from a job.
To be fair to Vanilla Ice, maybe there was some second part to his Very Important Thing he needed to share with her, but we won’t know because Pizza Heart comes storming into the room, demanding time with Hannah. The two men politely word-tussle for a few minutes, until Vanilla Ice offers to walk Hannah out, at which point Pizza Heart assures him it’s fine, and, hilariously, wedges his body between Vanilla Ice and Hannah.
Vanilla Ice then bitches about Pizza heart to John Paul Jones, insisting that there is a difference between being charismatic, romantic and bold …
and being a physically overpowering and insecure chihuahua. The irony, it is delicious.
When Pizza Heart returns to the group, he and Vanilla Ice have a stare down over chicken nuggets because SO MANY CHICKEN NUGGETS.
After chatting with the rest of the men, Hannah offers the date rose to Mike Johnson because “bold can be shown in many different ways ….”
and he showed “another way to be bold.”
Mike Johnson notes in the post-date interview that he feels great because she said he was being bold in his own way.
Meanwhile, Vanilla Ice is furious that he resigned from a job he really cared about — like, the BOLDEST move you can make …
… and is not being rewarded for his effort. I don’t know, dude, but maybe you didn’t get the rose because you showed up to this date wearing a hoodie under a blazer.
Back at the McMANsion, the next date card arrives: “Vocal Fry: Let’s sail on our love story, Hannah.”
However! There is no sailing in Vocal Fry’s future, as the next thing we know, Hannah is being loaded into an ambulance and taken to a hospital where she receives an IV for … ??? As for Vocal Fry, he receives a note from Hannah apologizing that she is going to have to cancel their date, she’s not feeling 100%, but she invites him to stop by her hotel suite to keep her company.
The producers take Vocal Fry to the grocery store where he picks up flowers, soup, and a card, before heading to her hotel suite where she has taken to her bed. Vocal Fry climbs into bed and begins cuddling with her, which… I’m no prude but it seems a little forward to me, especially because she’s not feeling well. When I am sick, the last thing I want is to be cuddled by anyone much less some stranger I’ve talked to twice.
Vocal Fry tells his sob story: when he was 13, his mother had a stroke on the ski slopes in Utah. This, somehow, made him realize what kind of relationship he wanted when he grew up. OK.
With that, Hannah kicks him out BECAUSE SHE WAS JUST IN THE GODDAMN HOSPITAL AND SHE NEEDS A NAP ALREADY. On his way out, Vocal Fry leaves notes about what he likes about her hidden all over her hotel room, and even my dried-up black heart thinks this is very sweet. Whichever producer came up with this gesture deserves a raise.
Meanwhile, Vocal Fry returns to the McMANsion to reveal that he got to hang out with a sick Hannah in her bed, but no, he did not receive a rose. That’s when a driver arrives, tells Vocal Fry to get out of his sweatpants and put some real clothes on: Hannah wants to see him.
Vocal Fry is then driven to meet Hannah … somewhere, where she offers him a rose and then they go to a private concert by some singer you’ve never heard of. You know, The Bachelor Special.
That evening, we don’t get to see the next group date card delivered, but instead, the next morning (I guess), Hannah is sitting outside of her hotel, staring pensively into the middle distance while voice-overing that it’s been a hard week, what with having to go to the hospital for her mystery ailment and how Dr. Freud had to go home but she’s really looking forward to just resetting and having a good time on this group date.
What was that about Dr. Freud having to go home? CARE TO EXPLAIN? CHRIS HARRISON? ANYONE?
Well, since they’re not talking: around the same time filming began, a rumor from someone who has a friend who went to school with him popped up on a Reddit thread that claimed Dr. Freud was deeply misogynistic and spit on an ex-girlfriend this one time:
Posting this from a throwaway account because I’m an active poster and don’t want this tied to my account or friends.
BUT two of my best friends went to high school with Tyler Gwozdz. They both say that he is the BIGGEST asshole douche of all time. My friend used the words “extreme misogynist.”
The story that most caught my attention involves his treatment of an ex. Apparently he dated a really sweet girl but they would get in public screaming matches often. The relationship ended horrifically – while in Europe he SPIT ON HER and left.
Neither of these friends really watch the show but they cannot believe he’s going to be on TV.
Why are they doing Hannah like this??
“Addressing totally unsubstantiated rumours posted to Reddit from an anonymous account seems imprudent. I feel that even addressing them gives them some sort attention and fuel but I continue to have faith in my journey and in a purpose for everything that’s happened to me in my life. Above everything else I am a son to my mother. She raised me to be better than these sort of baseless accusations. The rumours are so far out of the realm of my personality and values that it seems silly to waste time denying, but I suppose I will for the record. BUT I will be alright.”
He maintains that his exit was a mutual decision he arrived at with the show’s producers.
“This was a decision that I came to with producers, and something that I’ve come to realize what is the best decision that could’ve been made,” he said. The reason his actual exit wasn’t aired, he claimed, was to respect his privacy.
So who knows. But after the Garrett catastrophe last season, methinks the producers weren’t taking any chances with this asshole. One shudders to think what’s on his social media feeds.
Bye, Dr. Freud. Maybe you should get some therapy to deal with your anger issues.
Anyway, the group date. Champagne Baby, Not a Virgin, Pilot Peter, Shower Jesus, Nick Viall Jr., Humphrey Bogart, Arnold Palmer, and The Dude are driven to a studio where a photographer explains that they will be doing a photo shoot with some top professional models. The men begin to worry about what happens if they these hot models are SO INTO THEM and can’t contain themselves while Hannah is watching — which, God bless the endless reservoir of confidence of mediocre white men. But HA HA, joke’s on them, the models are all animals because this is some sort of dumb synergy with The Secret Life of Pets 2, in theaters now!
However, the men weren’t entirely wrong to worry about potentially having chemistry with other women as Red Flag is back with her secret cameras. This time, she brings along a pair of actresses posing as a makeup artist and animal trainer, tasked to flirt with the men so that she and Hannah can test these dudes. And I would go into great detail about what happens except it’s NOTHING. Absolutely nothing happens. Everyone is very well behaved.
Anyway, the photo shoot, it happens. Hannah has a moment with Pilot Peter which sends Shower Jesus into a jealous rage, and he insists on MORE pictures with her, this time with Hannah sitting on his back while he does push-ups. And everyone else is like, “We get it, dude, you have muscles.”
Then, as if that’s not desperate enough, Shower Jesus tries to walk her to the changing room, and Hannah has to be like, “Dude, that’s enough.”
That night at the cocktail party, Hannah asks to speak to Shower Jesus first, where she is like, “LISTEN UP, MAN, I LIKE YOU AND STUFF, BUT THERE IS A FINE LINE BETWEEN CONFIDENT AND COCKY AND YOU KEEP CROSSING IT AND IT’S IRRITATING ME AND –” which is when this idiot tries to cut her off.
Hannah is not interested.
… and she finishes by telling him he needs to respect her other relationships. Now go away.
Shower Jesus sulks back to the other men where he is remarkably forthcoming with them about her comments — comments I personally would have taken to my grave. Shower Jesus then decides to demonstrate to Hannah how he is going to respect her other relationships going forward by trying to interrupt her conversations with all the other men.
Meanwhile, Nick Viall Jr., he starts analyzing Shower Jesus’ little breakdown, which I only mention because he notes there is a fine line between desperate and bold.
While Shower Jesus waits for his chance to speak to Hannah again, he tries to cut in front of Pilot Peter. When Pilot Peter argues that he hasn’t spoken to her yet, and Shower Jesus is all, “ME NEITHER. PRACTICALLY.”
Hannah finishes chatting with Arnold Palmer, and as she’s showing him out, Shower Jesus leaps up to block Pilot Peter. Hannah has to be like, “NOT NOW, GUY. I PROMISE I WILL TALK TO YOU, BUT LET ME TALK TO EVERYONE ELSE FIRST.”
While Shower Jesus has an existential crisis outside, telling anyone that will listen that if overly swole muscles and ‘roided-up aggressiveness isn’t good enough for Hannah, maybe HE’LL JUST GO HOME, Hannah and Pilot Peter have a very flirty conversation. There, he reveals his mother was Miss Indiana and that his mother decided she was going to marry his father the first time she saw his father’s ass. It’s as good a qualification as any. They end up making out against a wall.
After Hannah is done talking to Pilot Peter, she takes Shower Jesus aside for one last talk, where she tells him that he is still not getting it, that he’s still not respecting her other relationships with the other men, and that he needs to WORK HARDER and FIX THIS.
SPOILER ALERT: He doesn’t. He doesn’t fix this.
Hannah then gives the date rose to Pilot Peter because he’s not a possessive and insecure beefhead.
The next day, Chris Harrison arrives at the McMANsion to reveal that there will not be a rose ceremony cocktail party that night, but instead, they are going to have a tailgate party, yay! But before Hannah arrives, Vanilla Ice explains to all the other men that he has something Very Very Personal that he needs to discuss with Hannah, something that has ruined two of his previous relationships, and it might be too much for her to handle, too, and she might even send him home before the rose ceremony, so they need to BACK OFF and let him have her to himself. Cheers. Mike Johnson is like, “NOPE. B.S. There are no rules of engagement. I reject this.”
But the moment she walks in, Vanilla Ice is all, “I NEED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW PLEASE,” and drags her off to talk privately.
Vanilla Ice then tells her an amazing and batshit insane story about how in 2014, his leg locked up and he had a bad fever and he was rushed to the hospital where he was told he needed an amputation but then I guess he didn’t have one because he still has his leg and then the day before his surgery, his grandma died and then later he had to give up his 10-month-old puppy? For some reason?
Meanwhile, Mike Johnson is not interested in Vanilla Ice’s bullshit, and takes Hannah aside to tattle that Vanilla Ice told all of the men he was going to give her a sad story in order to earn a pity rose because he is worried he was going to be eliminated this go-round and Hannah is like, THE FUCK?
But before we move on, I need to talk about this pity rose issue, because it’s bothering me. As much as I like Mike Johnson and want him to be the next Bachelor, and as much as I appreciate his repeated efforts to call bullshit on this asshole, Vanilla Ice … wasn’t his rose in this episode something of a pity rose? Didn’t he get the date rose after he told her a sad story? And didn’t Vocal Fry get a rose after telling Hannah a sad story about his mother having a stroke? And didn’t The Tony Robbins Fan earn his rose in the last episode after he hurt himself on the roller derby rink? Pity roses are a thing and Mike Johnson is as guilty as anyone of receiving one.
But that’s not to say Vanilla Ice deserves one because he couldn’t take care of a puppy and he had a fever this one time.
So Hannah calls Vanilla Ice back and is like, “What is this about a pity rose?” Vanilla Ice swears he wouldn’t sacrifice his integrity for a pity rose, that his puppy not-amputation dead grandmother story is 100% true, and Hannah’s like, “cool, but I’m concerned about your timing, that you decided to tell me this story because you were worried you were going to be sent home tonight.” Vanilla Ice insists that he wasn’t worried about being sent home that night, and Hannah is like, “OH REALLY? THEN WHY WERE YOU WRITING GOODBYE LETTERS TO THE OTHER DUDES?”
Vanilla Ice: ” … ”
Hannah, “DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT WRITE GOODBYE LETTERS TO THE OTHER MEN?”
Vanilla Ice: ” … uh … yes?”
Hannah: “ALRIGHT, CASE DISMISSED. EVERYONE LINE UP, IT’S TIME TO SEND SOME JACKASSES HOME. AND FOR THE RECORD, THERE WILL BE NO PITY ROSES TONIGHT.”
Rose #1: Guitar Guy at the Party
Rose #2: Footloose
Rose #3: The Tony Robbins Fan
Rose #4: Humphrey Bogart
Rose #5: The Dude
Rose #6: Shower Jesus
Rose #7: Arnold Palmer
Rose #8: John Paul Jones
Rose #9: Johnny Appleseed
Rose #10: Not a Virgin
Rose #11: Nick Viall, Jr.
Rose #12: Fumbles
Which means we must say goodbye to Champagne Baby who I am not sure said a word on screen after his limo intro. We also have to say goodbye to Pizza Heart, which is a shame considering how he threw himself on that Vanilla Ice bomb during the group date. It’s also a shame because LOOK AT THOSE DAD SOCKS:
And we finally FINALLY say goodbye to Vanilla Ice and his not-fake leg. Yes, I know it’s only the third episode, but it was three episodes too many. Good luck getting your job back, Vanilla Ice!
Say goodbye to the men who have been eliminated:
Here are the men along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” The Beast. All nicknames subject to change when I — or one of you — think of something better:
The Bachelorette airs Mondays on ABC at 7/8 p.m.