‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’: Bonding in the Bahamas

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“Sun and Shade in the Bahamas”
February 26, 2019

The women arrive in The Bahamas and are driven to what to my poor-person eye looks an awful lot like The Atlantis which I see advertised all the time on the teevees. I WANT TO SEE LISA VANDERPUMP GO ON THE SHARK SLIDE PLEASE. But in reality, it’s something called the Baha Mar Resort and I guess it’s much fancier than your Atlantis or whatever, because I don’t know that at the Atlantis they provide you with personal butlers. (That said, they did stay at an Atlantis in Dubai, so it’s not improbable that they might also stay at the Atlantis in the Bahamas.)

Despite teasing her on the plane about her snoring and flatulence, Lisa chooses to stay in Dorit’s Chairman’s Suite because OF VANDERCOURSE she does, and she tries to grab the master suite while she’s at it.

Elsewhere, Teddi and Kyle share a room leaving Rinna, Denise Richards, Camille to their own individual rooms, and Erika to share her room with her 87 glam squad members.

The women retire to their rooms with plans to have drinks on Dorit and Lisa’s VanderBalcony at 10, giving everyone plenty of time to fluff their dress mumus, hand themselves over to their teams of makeup artists and wardrobe consultants and attach their 70-inch long braids. (True fact: I am only 62 inches tall.) SO USE YOUR TIME WISELY, DENISE RICHARDS. THESE ARE 10 P.M. DRINKS ON A PRIVATE BALCONY WE’RE TALKING ABOUT, NOT THE CARPOOL LINE.

So everyone puts on their fanciest outfits, obviously, and one-by-one file onto the balcony. Denise Richards arrives last wearing … SHORTS AND A TANK TOP.

And the other women try to pretend that it’s not a big deal, but it’s clearly a big fucking deal.

After everyone recovers from Wardrobe Malfunction 2018, the women begin talking about what a great role model Teddi is for other children of celebrities (yawn), so Kyle and Lisa peel away from the group. There, Lisa tells Kyle that it feels strange to go away on a vacation while she’s in mourning, and then launches into a lecture about how Kyle needs to make amends with her sisters because one day they’ll be gone and she’ll be like, “WHAT WERE WE EVEN VANDERFIGHTING ABOUT IN THE FIRST PLACE? A MEDIOCRE SITCOM THAT WAS CANCELLED AFTER ONLY ONE SEASON?”

R.I.P. American Woman.

At some point Rinna joins them, and Lisa makes a comment about how her butler, Elvis, is going to bring in his cat for her, except she’s worried that Dorit might be allergic to cats — and Kyle jokingly wonders if Dorit is also allergic to dogs and THAT’s the problem. When both Lisa and Kyle begin giggling, Rinna is all, “Wait, what’s the joke?”

But Lisa DOESN’T WANT TO VANDERTALK ABOUT IT, DARLING, AND IT’S NO BIG SECRET AND ANYWAY, SHE’S NOT EVEN VANDERMAD AT DORIT. ANYMORE.

Rinna:

The next morning, Rinna goes to Kyle and Teddi’s suite and is like, “ALRIGHT, SPILL IT.” And Teddi tells her the whole story about how Vanderpump’s guys at VanderPets told her that Dorit gave away one of the VanderDogs to some stranger and it ended up in a shelter and they are all SO. VANDER. MAD.

Rinna, however, is not convinced that Dorit is the villain here, and explains to Kyle and Teddi that they just got VANDERPLAYED. Here’s how it works: Lisa is mad at Dorit for giving away the VanderDog, but she can’t very well be confrontational with Dorit, lest she look like the bad guy or hurt her relationship with Dorit. So she has her VanderEmployees tell Teddi who already has a strained relationship with Dorit, and Kyle — ON CAMERA — in the hopes that it will become A Thing with which to punish Dorit, all the while keeping her own VanderHands clean. It’s VanderGenius, really.

Later, the women are taken to the resort’s “private island,” presenting Denise Richards an opportunity to remind us that she posed for Playboy some five months after giving birth.

(To be clear, I’m irritated that she was able to pose nude five months after having a baby, not irritated that she posed for Playboy because I don’t judge like that.) (I mean, I do — I do judge like that all the time, but I don’t care if people want to pose nude in Playboy — you do you, what do I care?)

Denise and Lisa go for massages where they talk about the fact that they both have adopted children, and Denise reveals that her adopted daughter has a chromosome disorder that has given her some developmental delays and prevents her from being able to speak more than a few words. And as someone who had a cousin with special needs, I’m going to avoid talking about how Denise is “brave” for discussing this openly because the bottom line is that it’s just her kid and this is their reality, there’s nothing brave about acknowledging reality. But I will say that it gave me the feels. Denise Richards seems like good people.

Lisa and Denise rejoin the other women for lunch, where Rinna suggests a fun game: they’ll go around the table and everyone says “stuff that needs to be said.” WHAT COULD GO WRONG?

stephen colbert slow cain smile oh yeah creepy

Camille kicks it off, noting that she and Dorit had a tough time last year, she didn’t take kindly to being called a “stupid cunt,” but she appreciates being invited on this trip and hopes they can all move forward. See? That’s not so hard! Dorit then takes the baton and notes that though she and Teddi got off to a rough start, their kids have become friends and so they’re going to put their differences behind them. Great! This is going great!

Denise takes a pass because she hasn’t known these lunatics long enough to have beef with any of them. (Yet.) And when it’s her turn, Erika announces she’s all good, so pass.

Everyone’s attention then turns to Lisa who announces that, in fact, she does have something to VanderSay — but instead of telling Dorit that she’s disappointed about the VanderDog, she turns her attention to Erika to complain that Erika did not reach out to her enough following her brother’s death. All Erika sent was a few lines of a condolence note and Lisa really hasn’t heard from her VanderSince.

Erika takes offense, arguing that she wrote what was in her heart and if that wasn’t good enough for Lisa, welp, sorry. Lisa, realizing that she’s VanderLost this one, tries to urge everyone to move on, but Erika is PISSED, and growls that Lisa should not try to make her out to be the bad guy before shoving her desert away in ABJECT DISGUST.

But then Lisa begins VanderCrying and everyone begins telling her how much they love her and Lisa assures Erika that she did nothing wrong and Erika tells her she KNOWS she did nothing wrong and then we put this weird fight away.

The women move on to demanding that Denise Richards, a former Bond girl, recreate the Ursula Andress/Halle Berry Bond girl walk through the surf, even though she did not do the Bond girl walk through the surf in her own Bond movie, but hey! If it makes Lisa and Erika stop screaming at one another about condolence notes, it’s worth it.

Later that night, the women get ready for dinner, Rinna popping over to Erika’s room to bathe in the adoration of Erika’s glam squad and so that Erika can show Rinna the photo she took of the condolence note she sent to Lisa, because of course Erika took a photo of the condolence note she sent Lisa.

So that night, the women go to dinner where things start off pleasantly enough and we learn that Kyle was named after a football player and that Teddi’s name was supposed to be “Baby Doll” but that fortunately for everyone involved, John Cougar Mellencamp was on tour when her mother had her and mom vetoed that completely terrible idea.

But then, when Dorit and Rinna head off to the bathroom, Teddi decides to announce to Lisa that she’s uncomfortable having these side conversations about Dorit and the VanderDog without Dorit knowing about it. Erika is immediately like “I DO NOT WANT ANY PART OF THIS LALALALALALA” while Lisa insists that she has already VanderSettled this with Dorit. This is not a VanderThing! Stop talking about something that is no longer a VanderThing!

That’s when Dorit and Rinna return to the table and Teddi blurts out that she knows all about the VanderDog, John from VanderPets told her about it, but she should have never known any part of the story to begin with — it should have been resolved privately OFF CAMERA between Dorit and Lisa.

Dorit begins protesting that none of this is her fault — the VanderDog BIT her CHILDREN.┬áLisa is like, “Yes, darling, that’s true, but the VanderDog should have never ended up at the shelter.” Lisa insists that she wanted to shut down the whole conversation about it, when Rinna begins screaming from the end of the table that SHE HAS SOME SHIT THAT NEEDS STIRRING John is Lisa’s VanderEmployee and none of this would have been put out there unless Lisa VanderWanted it to be put out there. Rinna adds point blank that it is obvious that Lisa VanderSet them VanderUp.

Dorit again insists that she would never have given the VanderDog to anyone but a great person and Lisa agrees … before pointing out that it all went VANDERWRONG and Dorit should have just returned the dog to VanderPets. At this, Dorit begins crying and Kyle and Rinna comfort her while Lisa rolls her VanderEyes.

Meanwhile, Camille and Denise agree with Lisa that Dorit should have returned the VanderDog while adding that John didn’t need to be running his mouth about what happened. “Well, I didn’t realize Teddi would be gossiping,” Lisa replies, which pisses off Teddi who, to her credit, didn’t tell anyone. Lisa wonders how John told Teddi, and Teddi points out it doesn’t matter how he told her — it matters how he told her and Kyle — i.e. ON CAMERA — which of course is never said per the first rule of reality shows: never mention they are on a reality show. Teddi announces that she does not appreciate being made into a scapegoat before saying goodnight only to Dorit and marching off to bed.

Meanwhile, look at this bitch. LOOK AT HER:

Delicious.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo on Tuesdays at 8/9 p.m.

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