‘The Bachelor’: Pacifying the women

The Bachelor
“The Women Tell All”
March 6, 2019

Ah yes, it’s time once again for The Bachelor‘s version of a fight at Walmart on Black Friday: The Women Tell All special. It’s the annual Bachelor tradition in which the women who never had a chance to win this thing get together and yell at one another and at the Bachelor and at Chris Harrison before being shuffled off to either Paradise or obscurity.

After reminding the audience that Colton jumped an 8-foot fence the night before — AS IF ANYONE COULD FORGET — Chris Harrison introduces the women who agreed to participate in tonight’s nonsense:

  • The One With the Posters
  • Fake Australian
  • Tahzjuan
  • Dog Stalker
  • Sloth
  • Croatian
  • Someone Named Angelique
  • Fashion Police
  • V-Card
  • Cherry Popper
  • Stifler’s Mom
  • Miami Mami
  • Another NBA Dancer
  • Peach
  • Never Been Kissed
  • Carrot Top
  • Miss Alabama
  • Carp
  • Red Flag
  • Miss North Carolina

Ok, but where is Cougar Den, the first of many contestants who woke up one day to discover that she was on The Bachelor and dating a man-virgin and had the only appropriate response:

I know she didn’t have any drama with the other women and therefore not much to add to tonight’s special, but I have A LOT of questions for Cougar Den. Like, “You actually seem like a mature, confident woman who knows herself, so what made you apply for this show, especially for this season? Did you know who the Bachelor would be going into it? Were you high on the pills? Or did you wake up from a coma to discover that some prankster family member had signed you up for the show as a joke and you just decided to go with it?”

Alas, we have to move forward without her — but with that one woman who knew all about Colton’s dogs, and that other woman who pretended to be an Australian because having been on the show for a combined twenty minutes they certainly have plenty to add to this conversation.

We begin, for some reason, with a montage of other Bachelor and Bachelorette breakups, before Chris Harrison asks the women for their thoughts on Colton being dumped by Butterflies. Miami calls Colton “unhinged” while Another NBA Dancer and Never Been Kissed wonder what Colton is going to do about Piggyback Ride and Empty Gift Box, just propose to one of them as if he didn’t tell all of America that he was in love with Butterflies and wanted to marry her? GOOD LUCK WITH THAT ONE, JACKASS.

This isn’t a spoiler because I don’t actually know what will happen for a hard cold fact but there is no chance this show is going to allow Colton to propose to one of the other women. NO. CHANCE.

Chris Harrison moves on to the next montage:

After, Red Flag and Peach begin screaming at one another and Chris Harrison has to interrupt them because we’ll get to the two of them screaming at each other in a moment, but first, Chris Harrison wants everyone to scream at the woman who would have been my favorite had she hung around a bit longer, Stifler’s Mom.

Chris Harrison points out that on the first night, Stifler’s Mom interrupted the women while they were talking to Colton a record-breaking FOUR TIMES.

And Stifler’s Mom is like, “YEP. AND I’D DO IT AGAIN, CHRIS HARRISON.”

When one woman I don’t recognize tries to sass Stifler’s Mom that this is The Bachelor and not The Stifler’s Mom Show, Stifler’s Mom reminds her that this woman I don’t recognize went home on the first night and therefore her argument is invalid.

Also, I would absolutely watch the shit out of The Stifler’s Mom Show.

The woman who was the biggest thorn in Stifler’s Mom’s side, Carrot Top, explains that she was just standing up for the other women when she heckled Stifler’s Mom, before Chris Harrison moves on to Carrot Top’s other target — Miami Mami — thereby ending the Stifler’s Mom portion of the evening. I have my fingers crossed that she will appear in Paradise, but I do worry that she’ll be one of those late arrivals who receive all of 10 minutes of screen time.

As for Carrot Top and Miami, they begin screaming at one another — Miami insisting that Carrot Top is a bully; Carrot Top (and some of the other women) insisting that she absolutely is not because while she questioned Miami’s emotional stability, she never did it to her face (except for when she totally did). Carrot Top does not help her case when she stands up and starts lecturing Miami that bullying is when someone tries to intimidate someone else they consider inferior to them, demanding to know when she ever did that to Miami, and before Miami can answer, snapping, “THANK YOU, NEXT.” Miami, to her credit, points out that Carrot Top is offering an “amazing example” of bullying right that second.

Then all the ladies whose names we don’t remember because they were eliminated in the first three weeks suddenly have opinions on this very unimportant subject and everyone starts yelling at each other to the point that Chris Harrison has to “1 .. 2 .. 3 … ALL EYES ON ME” them so that he can give Miami a chance to talk. Miami uses this moment to whine that she needs “a voice” and that she feels like she’s “drowning” which …

… before telling everyone that they need to stop worrying so much about her emotions and focus on their own. Which: You know what, Miami? Fair enough.

Chris Harrison then moves on to perhaps the biggest mystery of the season that does not  involve Colton and a fence: V-Card’s warning to Colton that there were still women remaining who were not ready for marriage. 1. What was she trying to accomplish and 2. Who was she talking about?

V-Card vaguely explains that there were “actions” that she saw that made her draw the conclusion that some women did not want the same things as Colton. Miss North Carolina grouses that she wishes she had just named names because as a result, V-Card threw all the remaining women under the bus. So V-Card is all, “Oh, I’ll name names: I was talking about Miss North Carolina and Butterflies. I heard them talking on a bus about how one of them was going to ‘win’ The Bachelor and the other would be the Bachelorette.”

Miss North Carolina takes exception to his telling of the story, insisting that she was just looking for a way to salvage her relationship with Butterflies in the event that one of them was chosen by Colton.

Chris Harrison, the messy bitch that he is, asks Miss Alabama what she thinks of this whole situation that she was most definitely not a part of, and she says she remembers the bus conversation and that V-Card is right. Chris Harrison then asks Miss Alabama about her relationship with Miss North Carolina, and Miss Alabama is all, “I SEE YOU, CHRIS HARRISON, AND I SHALL NOT FALL FOR YOUR SHADY TRICKS. Miss North Carolina and I will never be best friends but we’re good, and I’m sorry for some of the shit I said about her, but it’s in the past and we support one another so get out of here with your shit-stirring.”

So Chris Harrison moves on to a cooperating troublemaker: Red Flag, who picked fights with all the senior citizens on the cast (particularly Fashion Police) and Peach. For her part, Fashion Police doesn’t engage because what is even the point.

Red Flag then moves on to her contentious relationship with Peach, explaining that she and Peach got off to a bad start after Peach took her aside to tell her that she didn’t like Red Flag’s approach and tone. Then, Red Flag went out of her way to encourage Peach to talk to Colton but she didn’t, and, in fact, still hasn’t talked to Colton and we are already in 2019. As for calling Peach “the cancer of the house,” Red Flag is sorry about that. Peach was more like bed bugs — Red Flag forgot she was there until she started annoying the shit out of her.

But Peach, Peach here has been waiting for this moment, and to that point, stands up, starts yelling about how Red Flag has the maturity of a three-year-old before marching over to her and shoving what turns out to be a pacifier into her mouth.

Chris Harrison admonishes everyone to settle down, and Red Flag announces she needs a shot after that. GURL, WE ALL DO.

Red Flag is then the first woman on the proverbial “hot seat,” where we relearn things we already knew about Red Flag: she’s confident in her sexuality and calls herself promiscuous; she thinks she actually more mature than people who would call her immature because while they might be more mature than her at least she knows she’s immature ….


… her mom was in federal prison; and we’ll DEFINITELY see her in Paradise.

Next in the “hot seat” is Miami Mami whose only real screen time was spent fighting with Carrot Top, so …  wait, what?

And it turns out the entire reason she’s up there is so that they can give her and the entire Bachelor audience free Halo Top ice cream because emotional women love ice cream, that’s just science.

Next up: Miss Alabama who after a not-great showing on the actual show comes off as charming and silly in her interview with Chris Harrison, discussing her perfectionism issues, and how she wants something more from her life than returning to her hometown, getting married and spitting out babies (of course, she’s on a show that is all about getting married and spitting out babies, but sure). She then declares that she wants someone who will “love [her] fiercely” which Chris Harrison declares is a “great line.” (But is it? Is it, though?) Chris Harrison then invites her to a do-over of her disastrous first date toast, which she CLEARLY knew was coming. Roll Tide, and welcome to The Bachelorette, Miss Alabama.

The last of the women to join Chris Harrison’s proverbial seat that is hot is Miss North Carolina who sobs her way through her interview. Chris Harrison does commend her for her bravery in being so open about her sexual assault, but she fails to come up with a single good catchphrase, like “I want someone who will love me fiercely,” and essentially blows her audition to become the next Bachelorette. So much for those big plans you made with Butterflies on that bus, lady.

Finally, Colton arrives to what my closed captioning describes as [UPBEAT COUNTRY MUSIC] which in its generic meaninglessness made me guffaw.

Chris Harrison invites the ladies to address Colton, beginning with Red Flag, who calls him “Coco,” thanks him for being honest with her and then, hilariously, “introduces” him to Peach. I know the producers are going to be tempted to bring Peach to Paradise, but I genuinely hope they do not as I just will be so uncomfortable watching Red Flag dunk on her time and time again.

Miss North Carolina, still puffy-faced from crying, demands to know what the hell happened, why he sent her home, and Colton is like:

Colton adds that he knows that the way they ended didn’t give her any closure, but if she’s looking for closure now, she’s shit out of luck.

As for Miss Alabama, she wants to know what kind of mindfuckery he was up to when he brought her home to meet his family only to dump her that same night. Colton, he has no idea how to answer that because there is no answer to that because it was a supremely dickish thing to do to everyone involved.

Miss Alabama tells Colton that he pissed her off — but that she recognizes that she grew from the experience and hopes he’s happy with whomever he chose — BUT DON’T THINK FOR A SECOND HE DIDN’T PISS HER OFF.

knife angry im going to stab someone now you've done it

Chris Harrison opens up the questions to anyone and Another NBA Dancer asks if he’s still a virgin, but he avoids the question by making a bunch of gross innuendos about gardening.


The “Women Tell All” special ends, as it always does, with a collection of bloopers from the season, and longtime readers know I DO NOT DO BLOOPERS. That said, there is a montage of Colton using what apparently is his trademarked catchphrase, “NAILED IT!’ which, God bless him, is the literal definition of irony.

ALRIGHT. ONLY FOUR MORE HOURS OF THIS NONSENSE. WE CAN POWER THROUGH THIS, TEAM! (I should note here that I am actually on Spring Break with my family and therefore can not guarantee when these last two posts will be done, profound apologies in advance. Also, whinging will not make me write faster. Only box wine and Twizzlers have that effect.)

Here are the ladies who were eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:


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Here are the women along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Colton — BUT COME ON:


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The Bachelor airs Mondays on ABC at 7/8 p.m.

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