‘The Bachelor’: In which no one wants to marry The Bachelor

The Bachelor
February 18, 2019

After being told by three different eliminated women that there are still contestants in the running who are “not ready” to deflower a manbaby get engaged, Colton explains in yet another of those fuzzy cameraphone videos that this is his worst fear — that he will fall for someone who isn’t ready to commit, or something. And, can we just pause for a moment to wonder what it means to be “not ready” to get fake engaged? Ladies: you don’t have to marry him! You just have to accept the ring, go on the “After the Final Rose” special, do a photo shoot for People Magazine, wait four months and then break up, releasing a statement claiming that you have grown apart. This shit is easy!

Anyway, they’re off to Denver for the last round of dates before the dreaded hometown, and so that Colton can visit with fellow Denver Bachelor, Ben Higgins. Colton reveals to Higgins his nonsense about women not being “ready” and Higgins gives him some mealy-mouthed advice that doesn’t really mean much, but may I ask why are we asking him for advice in the first place? He and his Bachelor choice, Lauren Somebody, haven’t been together since 2017. How is he an expert on relationships all of a sudden?

After that waste of time, Colton and his dog “Sniper” meet the ladies at some park where he announces the first date goes to Piggyback Ride. So back to the hotel with you other losers.

Colton and Piggyback proceed to have one of those super boring dates where they just wander around town, eat ice cream, go to grocery stores, walk the dog.

At one point things do become considerably more interesting when Colton asks Piggyback Ride to tattle on her fellow contestants: who were the women Another NBA Dancer, Red Flag and V-Card talking about when they said there were women who weren’t “ready.”

Piggyback Ride, who has been waiting for this moment since Vietnam:

“Miss North Carolina and Butterflies aren’t genuine and already talking about being The Bachelorette,” she IMMEDIATELY spills, “and I don’t think they’re ready to get engaged after this.”

“UGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH,” says Colton in an interview later, because those were clearly his final two.

Later, they go back to Colton’s weirdly personality-less apartment where they make dinner, Colton makes a funny:

… and ahead of the dreaded hometowns, Colton asks her about her family. Piggyback Ride warns him that her father is going to be tough and protective and a hardass, which I guess we will get to see for ourselves because Colton offers her one of the four coveted roses that guarantees a dreaded hometown visit.

Back at the hotel, the next date card arrives: “Miss North Carolina: Meet me in the Rockies.” Miss North Carolina has the good graces to apologize to the other women, knowing that they are feeling shitty about not receiving one of the precious one-on-one dates and crying like lunatics.

The next day, Colton and Miss North Carolina go snowboarding and as the mother of a snowboarder, it is making me SO NERVOUS because NO ONE IS WEARING WRIST BRACES AND SOMEONE IS GOING TO SNAP A WRIST WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE DO YOU WANT TO GO TO THE ER?

WHAT DID I JUST SAY?

After some time spent falling in the snow, Colton and Miss North Carolina bundle up under some blankets, and Colton confronts her with this story about how she was one of the women the other women were talking about being “not ready” to get engaged. Miss North Carolina is shocked! SHOCKED! and confused and frustrated and SHOCKED! and insists that she wouldn’t put herself through all of this if all she wanted was a boyfriend. SHOCKED! (And going to totally CUT A BITCH when she gets back to the hotel.)

At dinner that night, Miss North Carolina, having fully absorbed this information, approaches the situation differently, and calmly explains that she cares about him and has never felt so fully accepted by anyone, before dropping the “I’m falling in love with you,” bomb. And that’s all he wanted to hear: he offers her the date rose, before taking her to a “private concert” with some country singer you’ve never heard of.

Meanwhile, the final one-on-one date card is delivered at the hotel: “Miss Alabama: Home is where the heart is.”

“THANK THE FREAKING LORD,” Miss Alabama screams, while high-fiving herself and refusing to read the room which is full of miserable women realizing they’ve been relegated to the last group date. “HA HA, SUCKERS! THANK YOU, LORD!”

God:

The next morning, a PISSED Miss North Carolina confronts Piggyback Ride about throwing her under the bus. Piggyback Ride is all, “Yep, I said it, and it was based on absolutely nothing the fact that you and Butterflies seemed defensive when Colton told us about the whole ‘not ready’ business.” Miss North Carolina points out that this is bullshit, but Piggyback is all, “I CAN HAVE MY OWN OPINIONS,” before insisting that she could have talked smack about Miss North Carolina but did not talk smack about Miss North Carolina because she doesn’t need to talk smack about Miss North Carolina. Except she explicitly did talk smack about Miss North Carolina which is why Miss North Carolina is confronting her right now. But OK. And in the end, everyone — including your trusty blogger — agrees on one thing: this is all very stupid.

While this is happening, Colton is driving Miss Alabama to his family home to meet his mother and his father, former Acting Attorney General Matthew Whitaker:

Fact: Colton looks exactly like his bald father, prompting my husband to ask: “Which will Colton lose first, his hair or his cherry?”

At the house, Colton talks to his dad, Husky Lex Luthor, about his worries and how the woman he brought home today said she’s falling in love with him, but that he’s not there  with her yet. SO WHY ARE YOU INTRODUCING HER TO YOUR PARENTS, YOU DUMMY? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Meanwhile, Miss Alabama is assuring Colton’s mom that she is ready for marriage or engagement because everyone has received the memo that this is what Colton needs to hear.

That night, Miss Alabama wearing a dress that can only be described as Ming the Merciless Realness:

… and she has dinner with Colton in an airplane hanger for reasons that are never explained.

There, Colton reveals that he just isn’t into her, and she’s gots to go. In the car back to Mongo, Miss Alabama reveals that she is shocked that Colton has eliminated her, and complains that there was no explanation.

She also insists that if Colton really is looking for someone who is funny and challenging and spontaneous and has depth and heart, HE JUST ELIMINATED HER.

Goodbye, Miss Alabama. In a few months, you and your 873 teeth will have a lot more fun in Paradise, I promise.

Back at the hotel, the remaining women receive the final date card: “Empty Gift Box, Carp, Butterflies, Never Been Kissed: Saying goodbye is never easy. Colton.” The women all look nauseous.

Group date time, which means we have some math to do: there are four women remaining, and only two roses, which — let me get my calculator — means that half of them will be going home TODAY.

The women meet Colton at a train and — for no good reason — being shrieking like oversugared sixth graders. After the train ride, Colton reminds the women that they need to be ready to introduce him to their families because this is SERIOUS BUSINESS.

With that, Never Been Kissed takes Colton aside and is like, “Yeah, I can’t bring you home to meet my family. There’s no way. There’s ABSOLUTELY NO WAY. So, I’m just gonna get back on this train and let it take me wherever it is going as long as it is not here with you. BYEEEEEEEEE!”

Literally Never Been Kissed:

Goodbye, Never Been Kissed. I hope you got what you wanted out of this entire experience: to no longer feel like an awkward 11-year-old whose friends have all made out with boys during recess and at the movies and at school dances and even though you know Justin LIKE likes you and wants to kiss you, you just don’t know that you LIKE like Justin like that and also you still think it’s kinda gross the whole kissing thing, like what if he tries to put his tongue in your mouth EWW but you can’t dare say any of this out loud to any of your friends because they’ll call you a baby so you just say there aren’t any boys you like even though you totally like Hunter and would let him put his tongue in your mouth if he wanted to. You’d still think it was gross, though.

Colton next talks to Butterflies, the other woman that Piggyback targeted as “not ready,” and maybe eyeing being the next Bachelorette. Through non-existent tears, Butterflies swears that NONE OF IT IS TRUE and she is shocked! SHOCKED! by Piggyback’s allegations and she is absolutely here for him! and more fake crying! and she just feels so helpless against these lies! fake tears!

Colton then talks to Carp who definitely got her story with Piggyback Ride straight, because she echoes Piggyback’s earlier comments, insisting that Butterflies and Miss North Carolina were the ones V-Card was talking about, that they were the only two women who became defensive in Vietnam when Colton confronted them about what V-Card told him and she just really doesn’t want him to be blindsided. Colton, who had just been comforted by fake tears and furious insistence to the contrary, finds himself very confused.

When Carp returns to the other women, Butterflies confronts her about what she told Colton, and Carp is like, “YEAH, I SOLD YOU DOWN THE RIVER AND I’D DO IT AGAIN.” The two then begin bickering about whether or not what Carp said was just straight-up lies or opinions and whether or not Carp should have shared any of it with Colton in the first place, and whether or not Butterflies should take it up with V-Card if she has a problem with what V-Card said, and in conclusion: “YOU’RE STUPID!” “NO, YOU’RE STUPID!”

Eventually, Colton rejoins the women, grabs the roses and announces that he’s still too confused to make a decision right now, he’ll see them that evening.

That night, Carp, Butterflies and Empty Gift Box meet Colton … somewhere, and he immediately asks to talk to Empty Gift Box. In some very clever editing, the two disappear behind a door while we sit in the awkward silence with Carp and Butterflies, a silence only broken by Empty Gift Box’s muffled giggles from the other room. Eventually, Colton emerges, but only long enough to grab a date rose and disappear again.

Carp and Butterflies:

“Now it’s just Butterflies and I [sic],” Carp explains, “One rose. One goes and one stays.”

Empty Gift Box returns to the hotel where Piggyback Ride and Miss North Carolina are waiting and gives them the breakdown of the day’s events.

And this is why shortly after Colton has a pleasant enough conversation with Colton, in marches Miss North Carolina, demanding to speak to him alone. There, she tells him that as much as she wants to be the one he ultimately chooses, he needs to know that what he’s hearing from Carp and Piggyback Ride is some BULLSHIT and she doesn’t want him to send someone home who he has a real connection with because of some BULLSHIT.

With that, Miss North Carolina leaves, and Colton joins Carp and Butterflies, and .offers Butterflies the date rose.

This means we have to say goodbye to Carp who was very pretty and seemed nice enough and probably didn’t deserve being called a fish this entire time, but what are you going to do. Be careful on slippery rocks, Carp, when you go to Paradise this summer.

Here are the ladies who were eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:

 

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Here are the women along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Colton:

 

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The Bachelor airs Mondays on ABC at 7/8 p.m.

3 thoughts on “‘The Bachelor’: In which no one wants to marry The Bachelor

    1. I disagree: “Now it’s just Cassie and I,” was the sentence. “Cassie and I” are the objects of the sentence (“it” in the “it’s” is the subject) and therefore the objective pronoun, “me,” should have been used. A rule of thumb is to reduce it down to “I” or “me” to determine which you should use — would you say, “Now it’s just I,” or “Now it’s just me?”

      T

      1. Popping back in to let you know that my husband agrees with you, that the verb “is” is a state of being and does not take an object, and therefore you would use “I.” Personally, I think that sounds stilted, but there you go.

        T

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