‘The Bachelor’: Beautiful monsters

The Bachelor
January 21, 2019

Chris Harrison pops into the McMansion to drop off the first date card of week three and to ask the women how it’s going. They answer him with a NOT GREAT, BOB, there are, like, other women here and it’s hard to get any quality time with Colton. And Chris Harrison is all, “I mean, y’all know what you signed up for. This is the 23rd freaking season. Quit whining.”

Date card: “V-Card, Never Been Kissed, Miss Alabama, Peach, Carp, Fashion Police, Red Flag, Miss North Carolina: I’m looking for life’s great treasure. — Colton”

The ladies are driven to Pirate’s Dinner Adventure, a tacky attraction that is exactly what it sounds like: pirate dinner theater. For $65 a ticket, you get some roast chicken, shrimp, potatoes, a coke and a bunch of despairing aspiring actors running around in eye-patches, doing bad pirate accents. And it’s not that I am so snotty as to be above this sort of thing, it’s that I resent the laziness of the name of the attraction: Pirate’s Dinner Adventure. There is an entire universe of bad pirate puns out there they could have mined for something a little less on the nose but instead they went with the most literal name they could think of short of calling it “Overpriced Pirate Dinner Theater and No, That Ticket Price Does Not Include Booze.” (That said, at least at the Orlando outpost, you can buy a ticket that forgoes the food and is just booze, which you almost have to admire: Are you trapped in this Florida swamp hole on day 6 of a family vacation and your kids want to see a pirate show but you only want to see the bottom of an old fashioned? Good news! We’ve got you both covered!) (Actually, I also am pretty snotty so as to be above this sort of thing if we are all being honest.)

Anyway, we arrive at Pirate’s Dinner Adventure — I mean, not even a Pirate’s DinnARRRRR Adventure? — and find Colton dressed like a pirate on a romance novel cover. You know, just like this guy:

We are also introduced to Pirates Chris and Cindy.

Pirate Chris and Pirate Cindy.


Pirate Chris and Pirate Cindy explain that the women are going to compete against each other for two spots in the show where they will “steal Colton’s heart.” They put the women in sexy pirate costumes and pit the women against one another in American Gladiator-lite competitions, but when all is said and done, the competitions mean nothing and Pirate Chris and Pirate Cindy randomly choose two women: Fashion Police and Miss North Carolina.

This infuriates Miss Alabama who is on a one-woman mission to DESTROY her pageant nemesis, although it is still unclear what, exactly, happened between the two of them. And spoiler alert! We never really find out. But she is stuck with the rest of the women watching Fashion Police and Miss North Carolina deliver their stiff lines and fake sword fighting and “rescue” Colton, a “rescue” that ends in a painfully awkward kiss between Colton and Miss North Carolina.

Also, Red Flag hurls her chicken bones onto the pirate stage which should be a walk-the-plankable offense:

That evening at the cocktail party, Colton chats with V-Card about how much they have in common, like (and I’m not making this up) enjoying food. BITCH, WE ALL LIKE FOOD. DO YOU ENJOY BREATHING OXYGEN AND HAVING A HEARTBEAT, TOO?

Meanwhile, out in the waiting area or whatever, Red Flag is up to her shenanigans: first trying to freak Fashion Police out some more by reminding her how so very old she is, and then interrupting Peach’s time with Colton. Alone with Colton, Demi blindfolds him, swats him with a paddle and molests him with a mannequin hand. SEXXXXXXY AND DEFINITELY NOT MAKING COLTON THE VIRGIN VERY UNCOMFORTABLE.

When Red Flag returns to the other women, Peach confronts her about her tone of voice and mannerisms and how off-putting her whole thing is, but Red Flag is all, “AND?” Because a villainess is gonna villain.

Colton visits with Miss North Carolina and apologizes for the terrible kiss, it’s just that he “struggles.” INSERT KNOWING LOOK HERE. And then they kiss for reals this time.


lucille wink 2

And Miss Alabama, this idiot right here, she convinces herself that it is “be-fumbling” that Colton might be attracted to Miss North Carolina, an attractive and kind young woman who was runner-up in the 2018 Miss USA pageant. YEP, IT’S A MYSTERY.

And so, like so many Bachelor and Bachelorette contestants before her, Miss Alabama makes the stupid decision to “warn” Colton about Miss North Carolina. She explains that she and Miss North Carolina had been roommates at Miss USA and best friends, but that “things happened” and they haven’t spoken since. Colton asks if Miss Alabama is suggesting that Miss North Carolina is mean or manipulative, and Miss Alabama essentially suggests that she is before adding that she just can’t understand how he can be attracted to both of them. I mean, right? They are both white beauty queens with lots of teeth from the Deep South, what on earth do they have in common?

Because our Colton is an idiot, he’s upset by this non-revelation and asks to speak with Miss North Carolina again. There, he explains that Miss Alabama just called her hostile and a bad friend and he wants to know if it’s true: is she a bad and hostile friend? Miss North Carolina explains that they were friends, but that they were in a competitive environment and she “gets quiet” when competing. That, and there are things that she has not discussed with him, traumatic experiences that she planned on telling him about, just not quite yet. And then there are tears, many tears, and that’s how Miss Alabama guaranteed that Miss North Carolina would receive the date rose.

Yeah, no doubt, you dummy.

Meanwhile, back at the McMansion, the next date card arrives: “Cougar Den: Love is in the air.” The next morning, Colton arrives to pick her up takes her on a helicopter ride to San Diego, thus fulfilling the “in the air” part of their date.

Once in San Diego, the couple goes to an amusement park which they have to themselves and about 15 kids from a local hsopital. Or at least I think they’re kids from a local hospital. There’s a lot of talk about Colton’s charity and the work he does with kids with cystic fibrosis and there is one little girl who has a face mask so I’m going to give the show the benefit of the doubt and choose to believe these are kids with cystic fibrosis from a local hospital and not just the producers’ nieces and nephews. There are carousel rides and carnival games and the kids seem to have a good time and it’s a nice date, the end.

After, Colton and Cougar Den have dinner in what is obviously the lobby of a theater which I only mention because at the end of the date when Colton announces that he has “one more surprise,” Cougar Den is all, “WHAT????!?” and then appears to be shocked when they go through the obvious theater lobby into the obvious theater to the obvious concert by some soft-country artist we’ve never heard of before, and even my husband who never watches this show was like, “Why is she so shocked that he’s taking her to a concert by some soft-country artist we’ve never heard of before? That’s what ALWAYS happens on this dumb show.”

But we are getting ahead of ourselves. Over dinner, Cougar Den shares with Colton her sob story: her sister discovered during her second pregnancy that she had a cancerous tumor but decided to put the pregnancy first and long story short — baby is alive, sister is dead. This is a very sad story, and I have nothing snarky or cruel to say about it.

Colton offers Cougar Den the rose, she accepts, they go to the “surprise” concert, the end.

At the McMansion, the final date card arrives: “Piggyback Ride, Croatian, Stifler’s Mom, Another NBA Dancer, Carrot Top, Butterflies, Miami, Cherry Popper: For every strong man, there’s an even stronger woman.”

The women are driven to some sort of gym complex where a shirtless Colton is throwing a giant tractor tire around and otherwise doing things that I have never and will never do in my life. You know, exercise. The women are then greeted by the wonderful Terry Crews and his lovely wife Rebecca who are legit badasses and legit fit.

The couple explains that marriage is hard and life is hard and that’s why the ladies are going to be exercising on this date. 1. True, true, unrelated. And, 2. Me, had I been on this date:

So they exercise and they exercise and it is boring and they exercise and oh what a surprise, Another NBA Dancer is super limber and they exercise and they exercise and they exercise.

Eventually, the torture ends with an obstacle course, or, as they call it, “The Bachelor’s Strong Woman Competition,” which for reasons unclear to me since they use very little of his footage, they have dragged Fred Willard out of storage to help “announce.” The women push a 100-pound “wedding cake;” flip giant tires; and pull an actual limousine. Finally, there are only three women left: Stifler’s Mom, Carrot Top, and Another NBA Dancer, whose final competition is to run with heavy thingies. That’s the technical term: thingies. Carrot Top wins and receives an awkward peck for her efforts.

At the cocktail party, Colton has boring conversations with Piggyback Ride and Miami Mami and Carrot Top and Butterflies about “strength” and “being here for the right reasons” and it’s really boring.

But then he sits down with Cherry Popper and asks her to tell him about herself, he’d like to get to know her on a deeper level, and Cherry Popper is all, “What you see is what you get! There is no ‘deeper level’ with me! Nothing interesting or terrible has ever happened to me in my life!” Colton is like, “Alright, let’s try this again. Why are you ready for this? What are you looking for?” And this vapid muppet chirps that she “wants someone who will be happy to go out with my friends for a silly evening!” Though this is the actual moment Colton decides to send this dummy home, he does try a few more times, asking her what an intimate night with her family is like. “INTIMATE? EWWWWWWW,” she replies.

With that, Colton is like, “It’s been fun? But it’s time for you to go back home and hang out with your friends, OK goodbye,” before shoving her into the Not Right Reasons Van to the airport. For her part, Cherry Popper is certain that when Colton looks back, he’s going to regret sending her home. For my part, I’m certain that when Colton looks back, he is going to have no real memories of her.

And then Colton gives the date rose to Miami Mami, the end.

The next morning, Chris Harrison arrives and explains that after last night’s dramas, Colton has decided to not have a cocktail party, but instead have a pool party because they forgot to tape shower footage for this episode, and they have to find a way to wedge more shirtless footage of him in here somehow.

THOUGHT THAT JUST OCCURRED TO ME: Why is it that of all the Bachelors we have had over the years, it’s the two virgins — or “virgins,” since Dallas Sean was a “born-again virgin” and a “born-again virgin” is NOT A THING — that we have all the shower footage of? There was no shower footage of Arie or That Asshole or Boring Ben or The Hated Juan Pablo, but you just can’t keep Colton and Dallas Sean out of the showers, making sure their waxed nipples are adequately clean. For Jesus, I suppose.

At the pool party, the women tear Colton’s shirt off in a Dionysian frenzy and then play Marco Polo. Empty Gift Box has a boring conversation with Colton about her insecurities before sharing some very unconvincing kisses.

Elsewhere, Never Been Kissed asks Miss Alabama if she told Colton “the TRUTH” about Miss North Carolina, and to Miss Alabama’s credit, she insists that she doesn’t want to spend her time with Colton talking about someone else. And considering the last time she did, Miss North Carolina walked away with the date rose, this seems to be the only rational position to take.

But then! The producers have Colton and Miss North Carolina pointedly walk right past Miss Alabama and Never Been Kissed and Miss Alabama CAN. NOT. BELIEVE. THIS. SHIT. But it’s Never Been Kissed who pours lighter fluid all over the situation, asking Miss Alabama if she thinks Miss North Carolina is taking Colton aside to talk shit about her. Miss Alabama declares that there is a “beautiful monster” inside of her and that her “tank of rage” is full and then this happens …

… for an uncomfortable amount of time.

And my point is that while Red Flag is definitely trouble and definitely the villain this season, Little Miss Never Been Kissed here is the real shit-stirrer in the bunch.

Meanwhile, Miss North Carolina is ABSOLUTELY talking about Miss Alabama, revealing that their relationship was great until Miss North Carolina started receiving more attention and success than Miss Alabama. Then the manipulation and shit-talking began. Miss North Carolina insists that she’s not trying to throw Miss Alabama under the bus, she just wants to be honest with him even if it’s super awkward for her. Colton comes with the typical Bachelor nonsense, insisting that he wants Miss North Carolina to just focus on their relationship, not the other women, even though he himself took Miss North Carolina aside on the group date to ask her about her relationship with Miss Alabama when Miss Alabama tried to start some shit.

Colton sits with Miss Alabama and tells her that Miss North Carolina just called her a toxic manipulator. Miss Alabama is OUTRAGED. SHE’S not the toxic manipulator, MISS NORTH CAROLINA is the toxic manipulator. He has to TRUST her.

Colton, thoroughly confused, then spends the rest of the pool party whining at the producers and Chris Harrison that he doesn’t know whom to believe, thereby irritating all the other women who don’t get to spend any real time with him.

Rose ceremony time: line up, beautiful monsters.

Rose #1 Empty Gift Box
Rose #2 Piggy Back Ride
Rose #3 V-Card
Rose #4 Butterflies
Rose #5 Carp
Rose #6 Another NBA Dancer
Rose #7 Red Flag
Rose #8 Fashion Police
Rose #9 Peach
Rose #10 Never Been Kissed
Rose #11 Carrot Top
Rose #12 Miss Alabama

Miss Alabama, PISSED that she was given the last date rose and blaming Miss North Carolina for this obvious insult instead of the producers who absolutely choreographed the whole thing, literally begins crying about how it’s NOT FAIR and that she HATES HER. As my younger son who only watched the last fifteen minutes of this episode said: YOU GOT A ROSE. CHILL OUT. Out of the mouths of babes.

As for who was sent home, we say goodbye to three glossy blonds: Fake Australian, whose potential was never fully explored by the producers; Croatian who literally said not one word after she introduced herself to Colton on the first night; and OH NO! STIFLER’S MOM! NOT DJ ARGO! MY VERY FAVORITE GORGEOUS DISASTER! Alas, my sweet, I wanted more time with you on this garbage show, but now it is time to fly back to your trash kingdom, to return to your Ft. Lauderdale throne and await your inevitable reign of glory in Paradise.

Here are the ladies who were eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:

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Here are the women along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Colton:

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The Bachelor airs Mondays on ABC at 7/8 p.m.

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