In which three of my very favorites are held hostage by ‘The Bachelor.’

The Bachelor
January 14, 2019

Welcome to our first real epi– aaaaaaaand Colton’s in the shower again.

Seriously, does he have some sort of skin issue? Is he part amphibian? Wait, is he Atlantean? Is he Sea Khal Drogo’s second cousin once removed or something?

Fresh from the shower, Colton then does a weird video on his phone where, shirtless — obviously — he explains that the first day is going to be at a theater where everyone is going to tell stories about their “firsts” because, like Colton, the producers are not letting go of this virginity thing anytime soon. But can we go back to the part where he’s filming this on his phone? Why? It’s not as though he’s allowed to post this to his Instagram stories, so what is the point of this whole exercise, to just look like he’s creating a social media post? Do the producers think this faux intimacy is more appealing to younger audiences or something? What was this production choice?

Over at the house, the women receive the first date card: “Red Flag, Fake Australian, Fashion Police, Alaska Thunderfuck, Empty Gift Box, Miami Mami, Snorkel, Stifler’s Mom: You never forget your first date, Colton.”

After some cliched chatter about how nerve-wracking it is to go on a date with 7 other women, the ladies are taken to a theater where they are greeted by Colton and two of my very favorites: married couple and hilarious people, Nick Offerman and Megan Mullally.

And it is obvious the women have NO IDEA who they are. “Yay?” they weakly chirp upon seeing them, “great?”

GET THEE TO NETFLIX, LADIES.

Nick and Megan explain that the women will be sharing stories about their “firsts” with an audience, and, as an example, Megan tells the story of the first time she fucked someone — or at least I assume that’s the story she tells, it’s so heavily bleeped that if she was going for something more euphemistic it was lost under all of the bleeps. Nick, meanwhile, does go for a more metaphoric approach, telling the story of the first time he tended to a woman’s … garden.

As they send the women off to go write their “firsts” stories, Nick and Megan demand to know which of the ladies is the crazy one, and honestly, with Red Flag, Snorkel and Stifler’s Mom all in attendance, it’s impossible to choose just one. Colton declines to answer.

This episode of The Moth begins with Colton who tells a story about the first time he revealed to someone that he was a virgin. Some dude asked him in the locker room how many women he had slept with and rather than lie, he told the truth, and the other guy was like, “Oh, that’s cool.” That’s it. That’s the whole story.

Of the women, Alaska is first and talks about how in her twenties, she dated men who were 2, 3, 13 years older than her. Now that she’s in her early thirties, this is her first time to date a younger man and she is hoping to teach him a few things. The other women applaud her bravery for being open about her very very very very old age. Note: Alaska is 31.

Me, a woman in her mid-forties:

Miami Mami’s story is about the first time she dated a white boy.

Empty Gift Box’s story is about receiving the first rose …

Snorkel and Stifler’s Mom use their stories to relive their first night shenanigans. This somehow ends with Stifler’s Mom knocking over the mic stand for emphasis.

Fashion Police tells a story about competing with a friend for a boy (who was also a virgin) which ends with her being punched in the face.

And finally, Red Flag tells a story about meeting a guy at a party that she wanted to kiss, so she decided to go for it. She then marches off the stage and kisses Colton in front of everyone — which goes over with the other women exactly the way you think it would:

And that’s it, that’s all we get of Nick and Megan. GOODBYE, NICK AND MEGAN. I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU TWO BEAUTIFUL ANGELS WERE EVEN DOING HERE, BUT GO! BE FREE! AND NEVER LOOK BACK!

That evening, the cocktail party is held at some downtown building and Red Flag is the first to grab Colton. Alone with him, Red Flag describes herself as a “confidence booster” to the other women and a “total women supporter.”

And to demonstrate just how much of a confidence booster and “woman supporter” she is, when Red Flag comes out of her chat with Colton, she makes a beeline for the rose, picks it up off of its ceremonial rose plate and prances around with it. But shockingly, instead of giving the women a confidence boost, this outrages the other women and sends Fashion Police in particular into an emotional tailspin.

Fashion Police takes Red Flag aside and calmly explains that picking up the rose was totally disrespectful and made the other women very uncomfortable. Red Flag gives her most insincere apology before going into an interview and expressing her deepest sympathy for Fashion Police’s disadvantage in the competition as an older woman.

Note: Fashion Police is 31 years old.

Meanwhile, Colton is chatting with Alaska and telling her that for someone so very old, she is remarkably sexy. Alaska laughs that the ladies have already established “the cougar den,” which is a group of the contestants who are “27 and up.”

27 AND UP.

Breaking News: I have just passed away from old age. R.I.P. me.

Colton talks to the other women including Miami Mami who tells him that her twin brother is autistic, which she is pretty sure is the golden ticket to the date rose.

It is not, however, and Colton gives the date rose to Alaska who shall hereby be known as “Cougar Den.” Old ladies represent.

Back at the McMansion, the next date card is delivered: “Miss Alabama: True love is on the horizon.” Miss Alabama is SO EXCITED, Y’ALL, because tomorrow is her GOLDEN BIRTHDAY which ISN’T A THING but WHATEVER!

Colton picks her up the next morning and the couple drives out to the desert where they ride horses and sit in a hot tub and have absolutely nothing to say to one another. At one point, Colton suggests that they make a toast to her golden birthday. Colton toasts to “being open, honest, and true and challenging one another,” and Miss Alabama toasts to … “Um … it’s my birthday … to an amazing day … and um … cheers! Roll tide!”

She should have toasted to teeth:

TEETH!

The lack of chemistry and conversation is so profound that Dolton over here spends most of the day telling the producers that while it would be a shame to send Miss Alabama home on her golden birthday, it would be an even bigger shame to ever be stuck on another date with Roll Tide over here.

That evening at dinner, Colton assures Miss Alabama that she doesn’t have to be “perfect” and Miss Alabama visibly relaxes a little, the rictus in her jaw softening just a bit. She then musters the courage to ask him why he is still a virgin, and he gives his spiel about being raised to believe he needed to wait for marriage, and then football, and now here he is talking about his virginity for the eightyteenth time on national television. In response, Miss Alabama opens up a bit, explaining that she too had wanted to save herself until marriage, but she didn’t and it “killed” her because she doesn’t feel perfect anymore.

[searches for soap box, finds it over in my earlier post on toxic masculinity, stands on it] AND THIS IS WHY FIXATING ON SEXUAL PURITY IS A BAD IDEA. OFTEN IT LEADS TO FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY AND MORAL FAILURE AND CAN LEAVE YOUR CHILD SEEKING ACCEPTANCE THROUGH PATRIARCHAL CONSTRUCTS LIKE BEAUTY PAGEANTS AND CAPPED TEETH AND HAVING NOTHING MORE INTERESTING TO SAY THAN “ROLL TIDE!” Also, it encourages people to associate sex with corruption or dirtiness and can lead to a lifetime of deeply unsatisfying fucking, unhealthy relationships and unhappy marriages. [stashes soap box back in the corner]

Anyway, Miss Alabama’s willingness to finally talk about how she’s an impure slut (I KID, I KID) convinces Colton to give her the date rose and not completely ruin her birthday. I’m sorry, her golden birthday.

At the McMansion, the final date card arrives: “Nut Bag, V-Card, Miss North Carolina, Another NBA Dancer, Piggyback Ride, Croatian, Carp, Cherry Popper, Real Housewife of Atlanta — who I am just going to call ‘Peach’ because that is easier to type, Butterflies, The One with the Posters, and Never Been Kissed: I camp fight this feeling anymore.”

The twelve women are taken to “Camp Bachelor” where they are met by Colton and another of my favorites: Billy on the Street who ABSOLUTELY DOES NOT WANT TO BE HERE:

Billy on the Street and Chris Harrison explain that the women are going to be split into two teams for a camp-themed competition. The losing team will go back to the McMansion, the winning team will spend the night at Camp Bachelor with Colton. Team Yellow is: Croatian, Nut Bag, Another NBA Dancer, Carp, Cherry Popper, and Peach; Team Red is Piggy Back Ride, The One with the Posters, Butterflies, V-Card, Never Been Kissed, and Miss North Carolina.

As the women change into their team colors, Billy on the Street asks Colton about his virginity, and when Colton insists he hasn’t even had a one-night stand because they’re “awkward,” Billy on the Street assures him that they are “fantastic.” Colton also tells Billy on the Street that he’s waiting until he’s “in love.”

CAN WE KEEP HIM? PLEEEEEEEEEEEASSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEE?

Billy on the Street also asks Colton if he hasn’t had sex with a woman, how does he know for sure he’s not actually gay? “I’m gay. I know that’s a shock, Colton. That I think you should look into. Maybe you’re the first gay bachelor and we don’t even know!” Billy on the Street adds. And Colton, he laughs, but there is definitely a flash of panic in his eyes.

Eventually, the women take part in their competitions which involve wheelbarrow races and egg-and-spoon races and a canoe race in which the Red Team gets lost (“It’s like Colton finding a vagina, IT HASN’T HAPPENED YET!” says my spirit creature), and apparently a talent show which tragically was NOT included in the broadcast:

Billy Eichner, contemplating the phone call he is going to make to his agent as soon as this bullshit is over.

The competition is finally settled with a game of tug-of-war which Team Red wins, sending Team Yellow back to the McMansion and Billy back to the street to yell about Anne Hathaway at unsuspecting pedestrians. BYE, BILLY, BYE! I STILL DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU WERE DOING HERE, BUT I’M HAPPY YOU STOPPED BY AND MADE COLTON SO VERY UNCOMFORTABLE! YOU ARE THE BEST!

That evening, Colton talks to V-Card about the pressures of expectations of who he was “supposed” to be, and, y’all, I have avoided this conversation over the course of The Bachelorette and Bachelor in Paradise, but we have to talk about Colton. It’s time we talk about this.

Look, there is nothing wrong with being a 26 or 27-year-old virgin. It happens. And knowing his religious background, it completely makes sense that Colton hasn’t had sex.

But.

Are we 100% sure he’s not gay? Are we positive? It’s not the virgin thing that sets off the alarm bells (although …), but in almost every conversation he has with the women, Colton brings up how he’s struggled to be “perfect” and meet everyone’s expectations and how he tried to be the person other people wanted him to be and … I dunno, guys. I’m not convinced that Colton’s innocence remains intact simply because he hasn’t found the right woman. I am beginning to wonder if Colton, having been raised in a conservative family with strict Christian values, isn’t struggling with other identity issues.

BUT WHATEVER. Colton makes out with V-Card like he’s a straight man.

He also talks to Never Been Kissed who confesses to him that she’s never been kissed, and he’s like “DUDE, I TOTALLY GET IT.” He does not kiss her.

Back at the McMansion, Miss Alabama is freaking out that Miss North Carolina is on the overnight date with Colton, insisting that she has no problem with anyone except this particular woman and that she’s worried what Miss North Carolina might tell Colton. OOH, WHAT DOES MISS NORTH CAROLINA KNOW ABOUT TOOTHY MCTOOTHSOME?

And Colton does talk to Miss North Carolina who reveals to him that she had encephalitis when she was a toddler and nearly died, which she is pretty sure is the golden ticket to the date rose.

It is not, however, and Colton gives the date rose to Never Been Kissed.

And then it’s suddenly cocktail party time. Well, first Colton has to take a shower, obviously, but then it’s cocktail party time.

Peach takes him aside to talk about how she’s the oldest of five kids and helps raise her younger siblings SO PLEASE PUT A BABY IN HER NOW PLEASE.

Another NBA Dancer begins having a conversation with Colton only to be interrupted by Snorkel who, somehow, has gotten her hands on an air horn, and yells that she’s “FEELING HORNY!”  I’m officially changing Snorkel’s nickname to Carrot Top because girl loves a comedy prop.

Another NBA Dancer doesn’t take this sitting down, though, and goes inside, grabs a giant pot and begins banging it, interrupting Carrot Top’s time with Colton.

Colton also chats with Fashion Police until they are interrupted by a be-robed Red Flag who drags him away to her “fantasy closet,” to the alarm of the women. “DOES SHE NOT HAVE PARENTS?” yells one woman, which, high five, but also, her mom is in prison for shenanigans so, you’re kinda on the nose, One Woman.

While Red Flag is giving Colton an essentially innocent massage, Fashion Police retreats to a bedroom where she SOBS and SOBS until Red Flag comes up to the room and is like, “Get over it, crybaby. I mean, cryoldlady.”

Finally, it is time for the Rose Ceremony and not a moment too soon, lest another prop comic gets ideas:

Rose #1: Piggy Back Ride
Rose #2: Butterflies
Rose #3: Miss North Carolina
Rose #4: Peach
Rose #5: Red Flag
Rose #6: Miami
Rose #7: Carp
Rose #8: Empty Gift Box
Rose #9: Stifler’s Mom
Rose #10: Fake Australian
Rose #11: Another NBA Dancer
Rose #12: Carrot Top
Rose #13: V-Card
Rose #14: Cherry Popper
Rose #15: Croatian
Rose #16: Fashion Police

And so we say our goodbyes to The One with the Posters, Someone Named Angelique, Someone Named Annie, and Nut Bag. Trust me, ladies, your talents will be better appreciated elsewhere … like on Bachelor in Paradise six months from now.

Before I ride off on my Lil’ Rascal with my Pringles box can wine, I have to share with you the most hilarious Bachelor recap I have ever read. Please enjoy Wikipedia’s description of this episode (memorialized here because surely some editor is going to find this and change this work of genius as soon as possible):

Colton begins a video blog to prepare for the first group date, eight women are present for the date to meet with Nick Offerman and Megan Mullally to present a comedy on “the firsts” at Regent Theater where they involved on their lives. Demi steals the spotlight and kisses Colton. That night, Demi shows her morality to kiss Colton, making some ladies are not happy, Elyse receives the rose. Hannah B. has the first one-on-one date for this season to travel to Vasquez Rocks on her birthday to ride a horseback riding with Colton and share their intimacy at the hot tub. They dine in at the top of RMS Queen Mary where Hannah gives Colton her story through on her previous relationship stated it was very hard and she has the rose, at the end, they watch the fireworks. Twelve women are taking part for a second group date into a park to have a “Camp Bachelor” race, Chris Harrison and Billy Eichner are presenting to have three challenges (relay, canoe and tug-of-war) to divide into two teams of six, Team Yellow and Team Red. The winning team will have to spend their night at the lodge, where the losers head back to the mansion. Team Red won the challenge after emerged victorious in the tug-of-war, Heather steps aside to talk with Colton and is revealed that she is a virgin like Colton and receives the rose. At the cocktail party, Colton gets jived that he heard Onyeka’s air horn with a bursting loud noise and Sydney’s kitchen utensils, when he spends to chat in each ladies. Demi wears a bathrobe to interrupt Colton that he is having a time with Tracy where she escorts him at the closet to have a massage, Demi gets a lot difficult where she gives Tracy to show her immaturity as she became upset on her one-on-one time. At the rose ceremony, Alex B., Angelique, Annie and Erika are eliminated.

“At the cocktail party, Colton gets jived that he heard Onyeka’s air horn with a bursting loud noise and Sydney’s kitchen utensils, when he spends to chat in each ladies.”

POETRY. PURE POETRY.

Here are the ladies who were eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:

 

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Here are the women along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Colton:

 

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The Bachelor airs Mondays on ABC at 7/8 p.m.

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One thought on “In which three of my very favorites are held hostage by ‘The Bachelor.’

  1. My daughter has been a Bachelor fan for years, complete with wine-infused watch parties every week. Yesterday she informed me that this year’s show is so so so boring that she’s stopped watching. She is instead searching the blogs because that is so much better.

    Like

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