‘The Real Housewives of New Jersey’: Hoes Down

The Real Housewives of New Jersey
“Housewives & Heifers”
November 28, 2018

Having temporarily squashed their beef (the kids are still saying “squash the beef,” right? that’s a thing that all the cool kids are definitely still saying?), Melissa and Teresa head to dinner with the rest of the ladies, and to the Gorga women’s credit, they do not scream or fight or throw tables or do anything that would otherwise disturb anyone else’s meal.

Instead, Jennifer becomes the most interesting part of dinner. First, she tells the other women about how she found skiing to be “too much work” so she left her kids on the mountain with their nanny — not that she hired a nanny to raise her children for her, why would you even think such a thing? Then she makes sure everyone knows her house has seven bedrooms, plus bedrooms in the basement, oh and also, the basement has 11-foot ceilings, and also every room is monitored by security cameras. Because you can’t take security too seriously. In fact, she sometimes does random bag checks when the team of nannies who are not raising her kids for her leave for the day. Because that’s normal and healthy.

Margaret jokes that next, Jennifer will be putting a moat around her house, and Teresa, this stupida, she asks what a moat is.

Margaret suggests they play two truths and a lie — the very complicated game where you tell two truths and a lie and everyone has to guess which is the lie.

Margaret:

  1. She fooled around with her high school gym teacher.
  2. Her ex-husband would lock her in their closet when he was upset with her.
  3. She’s only done cocaine once.

Despite the fact that most of the women choose #2 because the idea of anyone trying to shove Margaret anywhere is hilarious, the actual answer is #1. Interestingly, no one even considers #3. How much cocaine do you do, Mags?

Dolores:

  1. She and Frank had sex last week.
  2. She bit a girl in the head.
  3. She’s had sex on an airplane.

Everyone agrees that it’s #1 because obviously it’s #1 but the truth is she probably DID have sex with Frank the week before but she would never admit to having sex with Frank the week before which is what everyone is thinking and why they all chose #1.

Jennifer:

  1. Had a Brazilian butt lift.
  2. Shit her pants in the car once.
  3. Went to a dominatrix-themed party with her best friend and played the submissive all night.

The women are split between the last two, but the truth is it’s #1, and everyone is like, “TELL ME MORE ABOUT #3.” Jennifer claims she and her friend did not make out, but I believe that as much as I believe Dolores didn’t have sex with Frank the week before.

As for the other women, we don’t see theirs, because I suppose they were too stupid/boring, but I would really like to get my hands on Teresa’s turn.

The next morning, Melissa and Jackie gossip about Jennifer. Jackie is mortified that Jennifer does bag checks on her employees, as it is SUPER demeaning, and the kind of thing only someone who feels superior would do. Margaret joins them and adds, “AND HOW ABOUT ALL THAT BRAGGING ABOUT HER MCMANSION? JESUS CHRIST.” But Melissa, being the Nice One, points out that anyone who would admit to shitting their pants has to have a sense of humor about themselves so maybe they should give her a chance?

Meanwhile, in her room, Jennifer is facetiming with her five-year-old who is COMPLETELY BEREFT THAT HER MOTHER IS NOT AT HOME WITH HER HOW COULD SHE JUST LEAVE HER LITTLE GIRL ALL ALONE WHAT KIND OF SELFISH MOTHER ABANDONS HER PRECIOUS CHILD THIS WAY DO YOU KNOW THE SORT OF PSYCHOLOGICAL SCARRING THIS IS GOING TO LEAVE HER WITH. Jennifer is completely manipulated by this and promises her daughter the “biggest surprise toy.” Five-Year-Old is suddenly very calm and reasonable and is all, “Oh, terrific, yeah, I’ve had my eye on this Barbie Hello Dreamhouse, so if my ‘surprise’ could be that, that’d be great. Love you. Enjoy your trip. Bye.”

Fun fact: Barbie’s Hello Dreamhouse comes with a flushing toilet. But only one. Not 16. Also, it does not appear to come with security cameras in every room, but that’s OK, Barbie can just do random bag checks when her friends finally leave her dance parties.

barbie what the fuck did you just say.gif

At breakfast, Polly explains the day’s plans: she’s entered them in a cattle show. They are going to groom cows and then walk cows around a ring in a cow beauty pageant. After, Polly will be hosting a big party in their honor, and I’m sure everyone will be gracious and well-behaved.

On the ride to the cattle show, the women agree that the loser has to sleep in the trailer, which alarms Jennifer. Jennifer the philosopher notes that it is easy to move up in life, but difficult to move back down. She also complains that the ranch house has only one bathroom because once you’ve lived in a palace with 16 bathrooms, having to share a bathroom for a couple of days is literally torture.

Anyway, they arrive at the cattle show. They brush cows and they comb cows and they shriek when the cows relieve themselves because they’re cows (the cows, not the women) and they walk the cows around in a circle. Jennifer and Jackie win the “Walking a Cow Around in a Circle” contest, thereby sparing Jennifer from having to spend one night in a trailer.

FOR NOW.

Back at the ranch, the women get ready for the big yard party that night, and check in with their famiglias back home: Teresa tells her figlie about working with cows and they correctly assume she screamed a lot; Jennifer checks in with her husband and tells him about her plan to show off their McMansion host a party for the ladies the next weekend; and though she doesn’t call him, we check in on Margaret’s Joe as he gives Marge Sr. mashed potatoes and foot rubs. It’s a nightmare and Margaret’s Joe is owed hazard pay.

Jennifer invites the women to her house, but in a very Jennifer way, explaining that she has a fountain and that some have compared it to “Monte Carlo or a hotel in France.”

But also, has this bitch not watched a single episode of a Real Housewives of Wherever? ALL OF THEM HAVE FOUNTAINS. EVERYONE. YOU DON’T GET TO BE A HOUSEWIFE UNLESS YOU HAVE AN UNNECESSARY FOUNTAIN SOMEWHERE ON YOUR PROPERTY, THEMS THE RULES.

So, the party: the women play cornhole (is it “play cornhole” or just “cornhole?”) eat barbecue and learn to two-step from cowboys. It’s peak Oklahoma, which is the idea. However, Jennifer knocks back some tequilas (the quality of which she loudly complains about) begins bitching about the country music, and is shocked when learns from a local plastic surgeon that he has plenty of business even out here in the boonies. It’s cute these women have never heard of oil money.

Meanwhile, back in Jersey, Folletto takes his padre and Melissa’s madre out for pizza with the kids, only to get an earful from his padre about not spending enough time with him. Folletto immediately decides that Teresa is putting these ideas in their padre’s head and becomes angry with her instead of listening to his padre and attempting to address his feelings. Because it’s emotionally easier for him to turn his guilt into anger at his sorella.

Melissa calls Folletto from the party and then reports to Teresa that Folletto is being a good figlio. However, this just irritates Teresa because why doesn’t Folletto hang out with their padre when she’s in town dealing with her four figlie all by herself? (Which is a fair question, to be completely honest.)

Later, some of the women are talking about what an obnoxious monster Jennifer is being, but Teresa shrugs it off as Jennifer just trying to be funny. Which is generous of Teresa, but I also suspect she remembers in the early days of the show how she talked about how she could never live in someone’s “used” house, and maybe sees a glimmer of herself in Turkish form.

Jennifer drunkenly joins the conversation, marveling that she’s drinking wine out of a red Solo cup and is, like, totally fine with it. Hostess Polly asks the women if they could see themselves living in Oklahoma, only to be met with a resounding, “NO!” from Jennifer. One of the other women, trying to smooth over hurt feelings, mumbles something about loving to see different parts of the country and experience things they otherwise would never experience, but Jennifer is all, “NOT ME! NEXT TIME I HAVE A FEW DAYS OFF, I’M GOING SOMEPLACE WARM AND GLAMOROUS AND DOESN’T INVOLVE COW TIPPING AND I’M GOING TO STAY IN A NICE HOTEL, BECAUSE FUCK OKLAHOMA AND FUCK YOUR RANCH.”

OK, Jennifer doesn’t say that last part, but that is definitely what Hostess Polly hears.

Hostess Polly:

After Margaret and Hostess Polly thank everyone for coming, the women return to the ranch house where Jennifer again bitches about the lack of house music. At a cowboy party. In Oklahoma. Because it was rude of Hostess Polly to not consider the musical tastes of one her guests.

Margaret, who has HAD ENOUGH, tells Jennifer to cut it out with the bullshit and the one-upping and the insulting. Jennifer — who is plenty tequila drunk — insists that she’s not going to change who she is just to make friends, and anyway she was just trying to be funny and play things up for shock value. Dolores jokes that for every insult, Jennifer has to sleep in the trailer, which leads to Jennifer protesting that she’s not a snob: she didn’t come here expecting her own room — after all this isn’t the penthouse suite at the Four Seasons.

When everyone points out that Jennifer JUST DID IT AGAIN, she apologizes to Hostess Polly for being a rude asshole and to make amends for her shittiness, she grabs her 57 Chanel bags and heads out to the trailer to sleep off the Jose Cuervo.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Wednesdays on Bravo at 8/9 CST.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.