‘The Bachelor’: Virgin Territory

The Bachelor
January 7, 2019

“OH GOD, NOT AGAIN ALREADY.” — America My younger son upon hearing Chris Harrison’s voice Monday night.

Yes, again. Already. Welcome to season 23 of The Bachelor in which we will follow America’s Most Famous Virgin on his journey to find a woman to relieve him of his maidenhood but whom he will ultimately not marry.

A very brief recap of how Colton Underwood became our Bachelor: Colton was on Becca’s season of The Bachelorette, and very early on she discovered that he had briefly dated one of her fellow Bachelor contestants, Tia. But everyone was like, “It’s totally cool! It’s totally over!” So Becca kept him around until right before The Fantasy Suites in which Becca learned two crucial things: 1. Colton was a virgin and 2. Tia was not totally cool and for Tia, it was not totally over. And I’m not sure which bit of information influenced Becca’s decision more, but the next thing you know, Colton was being put on a plane headed to Bachelor in Paradise, virtue intact.

In Paradise, to the irritation of both America and Tia, Colton spent several tedious weeks unsure whether he wanted even to date Tia, until the producers put everyone out of their misery, swooped in and made him the Bachelor before he could squander his precious chastity. However, this decision to make Colton the Bachelor pissed off a broad swath of Bachelor fans who wanted Jason (New Favorite) or Blake (Cowboy) to be the next Bachelor, but, honestly, that was never going to happen. Blake and Jason are both handsome and emotionally mature men (and either of them would have been better for Becca than her ultimate choice, that Chris Farley-impersonating right-wing-meme spewing media-controversy-creating dumbass, Garrett), but neither of them has a hook, much less a hook as controversial and delicious and irresistible to reality TV producers  as “Hunky 26-Year-Old Virgin.”

And that’s how we find ourselves here, up to our eyebrows in bad sex puns and jokes about virginity.

As for the episode itself, before we begin, I am going to need every Bachelor producer who came up with the idea of stretching out the premiere episode to three hours by padding it with multiple “viewing parties” across the country complete with strangers proposing to one another, cheerleaders, hot tubs, people holding signs that read “UTAH LOVES VIRGINS,” contestants from Bachelor Winter Games, Chris Harrison’s mother, Neil Lane, video tributes to the babies of The Bachelor and videos tributes to Chris Harrison and I am going to need every ABC executive who signed off on this hot pile of garbage, and I am going to require that they either figure out a way to fold the time/space continuum back upon itself and return to me that hour of my life, or that they all be fired.

Let us never speak of the viewing parties again.

Instead, we begin the episode with some of the women who hope to relieve our Bachelor of his virginity.

Meet the only women you will need to remember after this episode

Cassie (23, Speech Pathologist, Huntington Beach, CA)

Cassie is a graduate student who works with kids and is so precious and sweet she makes my teeth hurt.

Hannah B. (23, Miss Alabama USA, Tuscaloosa, AL)

Hannah lives in Tuscaloosa, is Miss Alabama USA 2018, yells “ROLL TIDE” unprompted, is all groomed eyebrows and teeth, and who absolutely watched Monday’s game against Clemson instead of the premiere of The Bachelor. You literally could not be more Alabama if you were the city of Mobile.

Katie (26, Medical Sales Representative, Sherman Oaks, CA)

Katie likes to dance and is attracted to Colton because he’s athletic, as opposed to all the other women who are attracted to his intellect.

Heather (22, Never Been Kissed, Carlsbad, CA)

First of all, never having been kissed is not a profession. But second of all, seeing that Heather is a lovely girl, I can only assume she’s never been kissed thanks to her questionable fashion choices. Also, she stalked Colton at some sort of meet and greet where he was wearing this hideous Hawaiian shirt for reasons that are never explained:

Onyeka (24, IT Risk Consultant, Dallas, TX)

Onyeka is a first-generation American whose parents are Nigerian. She assures us that she’s not afraid to embarrass herself and does “the weirdest things in public,” which the producers illustrate by having her do some yoga. OOH, WHAT A WEIRDO.

Nicole (25, Social Media Coordinator, Miami)

Nicole is our token Latina for the season who lives with her madre, hermano who is autistic, and her abuela who seems muy poco impresionado when Nicole shows her Colton’s photo. Nicole explains that she is tired of the Miami hook-up culture, and as a result has decided to take her chances with the first virgin Bachelor. This seems like an extreme response.

Kirpa (26, Dental hygienist, Whittier, CA)

Kirpa is judging your teeth.

Demi (23, Interior designer, Red Oak, TX)

Oh lord, this one. Demi begins by explaining she was raised by her dad and stepmom which, of course, is meant to set up the question, “What happened to mom?” The answer: Mom’s in federal prison for embezzlement. And look, I’m not saying that everyone who has a parent in prison is destined to be a mess, but everyone who has a parent in prison who goes on a reality show to find a spouse and who describes themselves as a “damn confetti cake” — they’re going to be a handful.

Meet the Bachelor

We are then introduced to our romantic hero for the season, who, based on this montage, if you did not already know his backstory, you might reasonably believe had an allergy to shirts and a crippling obsessive-compulsive disorder that caused him to shower constantly.

We also learn that he was a fat kid who attended conservative Christian schools and honestly, this sums it all up. That is Colton’s entire psychological profile in one sentence.

Colton also wanders around the woods with his dogs while he yammers about how he was ready to lose his virginity to Becca but then she dumped him. And then it’s back to the showers TO SCRUB OFF THE FILTH AND THE DIRT AND THE SIN AND THE TERROR BECAUSE MOMMY’S LITTLE CHRISTIAN SOLDIER MUST BE CLEAN SO CLEAN SO CLEAN SO CLEAN SO CLEAN AND GOOD AND MOTHER AND CLEAN AND GOOD AND

Once properly exfoliated, Colton heads to the McMansion where the limos begin arriving:

Demi (see above): It’s a bold choice to arrive at the Bachelor McMansion in a banana yellow midriff-exposing … dress? Is this technically a dress? It’s an even bolder choice to announce that the last time you dated a virgin, you were 12.

Tayshia (28, Phlebotomist, Corona del Mar, CA): Tayshia greets Colton by telling him what a good person he is, entirely missing an opportunity provided her as a phlebotomist and do something playful like jab a needle into his face. Or something.

Heather (see above): Never Been Kissed here assures Colton that she wouldn’t be here if he hadn’t been the one chosen as the Bachelor. She completely neglects to mention the fact that she’s been stalking him.

Nicole (see above): Nicole’s big gambit is that she says something in Spanish to him because I’m sure no one else will speak to him in a foreign language!

Caelynn (23, Miss North Carolina, Charlotte, NC): Caelynn is our second pageant girl of the night, Miss North Carolina USA, and she arrives complete with sash which she slides around to change from Miss North Carolina to Miss Underwood. Yes, “Miss Underwood.” Even though what I am pretty sure what she meant was Mrs. Underwood or at least Ms Underwood, because Miss Underwood would suggest that she was Colton’s unmarried sister or maybe his daughter. And what I’m saying is that Miss North Carolina might be dumb.

Sydney (27, NBA Dancer, New York, NY): Sydney explains that she gave up her career as a dancer to be on The Bachelor. BUT NO PRESSURE.

Elyse (31, Makeup Artist, Soldotna, AZ): I don’t even remember this one arriving, to be completely honest.

Tahzjuan (25, Business Development Associate, Castle Pines, CO): Look, she knows her name is hard to pronounce. Get over it.

Cassie (see above): Cassie makes a very daring choice: she wears a dress that has NO SEQUINS.

She also tells Colton that she literally has “butterflies” before opening a box and dumping out a pile of fake butterflies onto the driveway. WOW. WAY TO GO, LITTERBUG.

Kirpa (see above): I am mesmerized by Carp’s hair which she has managed to French braid on the top of her head in such a way that the blonde highlights create a mohawk effect. IT’S MAGIC and none of ABC’s promotional photos do it justice.

Caitlin (25, Realtor, Toronto, Canada): Caitlyn arrives with a red balloon for Colton which she pops with a needle while quipping that she just “popped [his] cherry,” which 1. like Colton, I thought the balloon was supposed to be an apple, not a cherry and 2. Gross. The expression “to pop one’s cherry” is a gross expression that traditionally refers to women losing their virginity and it has such nasty misogynistic roots and I hate everything about this, Caitlin.

Courtney (23, Caterer, Atlanta, GA): This one arrives with a peach that she forces Colton to taste and it’s all very Real Housewives of Atlanta.

Katie (see above): Katie offers Colton a playing card and then takes it from him, revealing that it says “V.”

GET IT? SHE TOOK HIS V-CARD.

Alex D. (23, Sloth, Boston, MA): Our requisite Wacky Animal Costume arrives, and damn if this woman doesn’t commit. Dressed in a sloth costume, Alex exits the limo so slowly, her entrance is interrupted by a commercial break.

“Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiii Coooooolllllllltttttttooooooooonnnnnn, I heeeaarrrrrrrrdddd yooooooouuuuu taaaaaaaaakkkkkkkeeee ttthhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiinnnnnggggssss slllllllooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwlllllllyyyyyyyyyy … Mmmmmyyyyyyyy nnnnnnaaaaaaaammmmmmmmeeeeeeee iiiiissssss Aaaaallllllllllllleeeeexxxxxx. Cccccccaaaaaattttttcccccchhhh yyyyyoooooooouuuuuuu lllllllllaaaaaaaattttttttterrrrrrrrr …”

Onyeka (see above): “HE’S A SNACK AND MOMMA’S GOTTA EAT.” — Onyeka after meeting Colton. I love her already.

Erika (25, Recruiter, Encinitas, CA): Erika presents Colton with a bag of nuts because her last name is McNutt. McClever.

Hannah B. (see above): Colton, suffering Tia flashbacks, first worries that Miss Alabama’s accent is an Arkansas accent, and visibly sighs with relief when she reveals she’s from Alabama.

But more interestingly, when Miss Alabama enters the McMansion, she sees Miss North Carolina who apparently came in runner-up in the Miss USA pageant, thereby placing ahead of Miss Alabama.

Tracy (31, Wardrobe Stylist, Los Angeles, CA): Tracy arrives in a police car because she’s “the fashion police.”

BREAKING NEWS FROM JOAN RIVERS’ GRAVE:

Angelique (28, Marketing Salesperson, Hamilton, NJ): Angelique is pretty but has nothing to say.

Devin (23, Broadcast Journalist, Medford, OR): Devin is pretty but has nothing to say.

Revian (24, Nurse, Santa Monica, CA): Revian is pretty and says something in Mandarin.

Nina (30, Sales Account Manager, Raliegh, NC): Nina is pretty and says something in Croatian.

Alex B. (29, Dog Rescuer, Vancouver, BC): Alex is … pretty? and doesn’t say anything because she’s sick and has to communicate with large posters like Bob Dylan in the “Subterranean Homesick Blues” video.

Bri (24, Model, Los Angeles, CA): Bri is pretty and greets Colton with a strong Australian accent. When he asks her where the accent is from, she replies that the accent is Australian, neglecting to mention that she, however, is not. I like this one’s brand of crazy.

Laura (26, Accountant, Dallas, TX): Laura is also pretty but the only thing memorable about her is that she is wearing the same dress as our Fake Australian.

Hannah G. (23, Content Creator, Birmingham, AL): First of all, “Content Creator.” OH WOW, DO YOU HAVE AN INSTAGRAM ACCOUNT? COOL. But second of all, she arrives bearing a gift box which, when opened, is revealed to be empty because she got him his “favorite brand of underwear.”

This has already been the longest season.

Annie (23, Financial Associate, New York, NY): We just cut right to Colton asking this one a football trivia question with absolutely no context. I have no idea what is happening and I don’t want to try to figure it out.

Jane (26, Social Worker, West Hollywood, CA): This one shows up with a framed picture of Colton’s dogs and knows waaaaay too much about them. I might have to take back the part where I called Never Been Kissed a stalker because this one just upped the stalker game by stalking his damn dogs.

Catherine (26, DJ, Fort Lauderdale, FL): And then my very favorite arrives, and she does not disappoint. As I wrote in my piece introducing the Bachelorettes:

Not content to be merely a successful commercial real estate agent, Catherine is also “DJ Agro—an up-and-coming hip-hop DJ making a name for herself on the Ft. Lauderdale club scene.”

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL x infinity.

I literally don’t know which part of this is my favorite: “up-and-coming hip-hop DJ,” “the Ft. Lauderdale club scene,” being an “up-and-coming hip-hop DJ on the Ft. Lauderdale club scene,” or “DJ Argo.” DID SHE NAME HERSELF AFTER THE BEN AFFLECK MOVIE?? I love her already and she is my favorite and I hope she goes all the way but not ALL the way because I want her to be the next Bachelorette.

As for her arrival, Stifler’s Mom …

… arrives with her geriatric dog, Lucy, and thrusts the little purse rat into Colton’s hands, chirping that the dog is his problem now.

She could not have made a more perfect entrance. I am literally in love.

Erin (28, Cinderella, Plano, TX): Erin thinks she’s Cinderella. She arrives in one of those Cinderella carriages from Disneyland, wearing a blue dress and she hands Colton one of her shoes.

Allow me to pause for a moment and speak directly to my male readers out there. If I could impart one piece of dating advice to you, it would be this: never ever EVER date a woman (or a man) who fetishizes Disney princesses. Best case scenario: you end up having to explain to your parents why they’re going to have to fly to Orlando to watch you get married by Mickey Mouse. Worst case scenario: Because she has the emotional maturity and world view of a seven-year-old, neither of you will ever be truly happy and she will drive you mad with unrealistic expectations and stifling gender norms.

And with that, we begin the cocktail party.

Red Flag takes him aside first, and when Colton says something nice about her eyes, she decides that he already has a “crush” on her.

RED FUCKING FLAG.

Nut Bag takes him aside and is like, “DUDE. WHAT IS UP WITH THIS WHOLE VIRGINITY THING? WHY YOU SO WEIRD?” This gives Colton an opportunity to explain, again, that at first it was a conscious decision to maintain his virginity (thanks to conservative Christianity’s weird and unhealthy fixation on sexual purity), but then college football and then real football and then the next thing you know he’s a dude in his early twenties who has never had sex and what? he’s just going to just go have sex with the first person that comes along? WHAT WOULD MOTHER AND JESUS THINK? UNCLEAN UNCLEAN MUST SHOWER COLTON MUST WASH THE FILTH OFF NOW GOODBYE.

Hahaha, no, that didn’t happen. At least not until after the cameras left.

He circulates for a while, marveling at the fact that he is currently dating six times as many women as he’s ever dated in his life … so he’s only dated five women? Two of whom we have born witness to? Interesting.

Empty Gift Box catches his attention when she feigns a panic attack and he talks her down from it using Mother’s breathing technique. He will — SPOILER! — later give her the first impression rose. Note to Future Bachelor Contestants: Leave the animal costumes at home — they never ever work — and instead play up the vulnerability angle, it’s a guaranteed rose-getter.

Colton also makes out with Miss North Carolina because she’s young and his parents were young when they had him? Good a reason as any, I suppose.

Colton also gives a piggyback ride to Tayshia, dances to a string quartet with Another NBA Dancer, and pretends to fish in the swimming pool with … I’m going to call her Alaska Thunderfuck because, see, she was born in Alaska, and when I hear Alaska, the first thing I think of is Alaska Thunderfuck from RuPaul’s Drag Race Season Five because that’s how my brain works. Welcome inside my brain.

Sloth finally takes off her costume and it turns out she’s a not a quaaluded-up folivora, but instead, a Dunkin’ Donut’s-fueled Bostonian who talks extraordinarily fast and REALLY LIKES ANIMALS, OKAY?

Colton chats with Stifler’s Mom, also known as my VERY FAVORITE, until they are interrupted by Fashion Police. This infuriates Stifler’s Mom who, according to her, has never had to fight for attention before. I bet not. So she waits about 20 seconds before interrupting Colton and Fashion Police (who was making him draw on a pair of sneakers, so, being honest, I’m not sure he minded, actually).

The other women in the McMansion are mortified by Stifler’s Mom’s behavior, and Onyeka straps on some swimming goggles and a snorkel and interrupts Colton and Stifler’s Mom’s conversation with, “I HEARD YOU WERE DROWNING IN SOME BITCHES,” which is just objectively funny. Stifler’s Mom is not so amused, however, dismissing it as “tacky.”

And Stifler’s Mom is not done yet, swinging back around and interrupting Colton’s conversation with Cherry Popper. When news of this gets back to Snorkel, she sighs heavily and decides that a more direct approach with Stifler’s Mom is necessary. Snorkel takes Stifler’s Mom aside, sits her down and patiently explains that she needs to stop being a selfish bitch and respect the other women and their time with Colton. Stifler’s Mom insists that she’s “the least aggressive person” and that she doesn’t want to start off on the wrong foot with the other women, leaving Snorkel to think she finally got through to her. “Good talk!” Snorkel concludes, only to have Stifler’s Mom breathily whisper, “If you don’t have haters, you’re not doing something right …” And Snorkel is all, “Yep … WAIT, WHAT?”

But too late, because Stifler’s Mom leaves and interrupts A FOURTH WOMAN.

Stifler’s Mom is a supervillain and I am HERE FOR IT.

Oh, and if you’re keeping track, I suppose it’s worth mentioning that Colton makes out with V-Card, Miss North Carolina and Empty Gift Box.

After Colton gives Empty Gift Box the First Impression Rose, it’s time to line the rest of the women up for the rose ceremony — which, seems dumb to me? I understand the purpose of the First Impression Rose is to fill the 29 other women with anxiety and dread. But if you wait to give away the First Impression Rose right before you hand out all the other roses, you’re not really milking that anxiety and dread for all its worth. They need to hand that First Impression Rose out FIRST THING, literally the minute the Bachelor walks in from the driveway, and let the crazy unfold.

Anyway. Get in line ladies, and learn whether a dimwitted virgin thinks you’re worthy of dating him along with 22 other women.

But before we continue, a quick note about these nicknames: they’re terrible and I am sure a number of them will be changed before this season is over. Don’t grow too attached.

Rose #1: Miss North Carolina
Rose #2: V-Card
Rose #3: The One with the Posters
Rose #4: Miss Alabama
Rose #5: Snorkel
Rose #6: Cherry Popper
Rose #7: Someone Named Annie
Rose #8: Carp
Rose #9: Never Been Kissed
Rose #10: Alaska Thunderfuck
Rose #11: Piggyback Ride
Rose #12: Real Housewife of Atlanta
Rose #13: Butterflies
Rose #14: Red Flag
Rose #15: The Croatian
Rose #16: Nut Bag
Rose #17: Another NBA Dancer
Rose #18: Fake Australian
Rose #19: Someone Named Angelique
Rose #20: Fashion Police
Rose #21: Miami Mami
Rose #22: Stifler’s Mom because of course Stifler’s Mom

Which means, goodbye, Tahzjuan. I have to admit, I’m relieved I won’t have to struggle to spell your name correctly for the next nine weeks. And goodbye, Someone Named Devin. And goodbye, Dog Stalker. And goodbye Dress Twin. And 再见, 普通话演讲者. And goodbye, Cinderella. Aaaaaannnnnnnnddddddd goooooooooodbyyyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeee, Sssssssslllllllllllloooooooottttttthhhhhhhhhh.

Ladies, think of this not as a rejection, but as being relieved of the obligation of having to have bad sex on national television with a dumb dummy who has no idea what he’s doing either in the bedroom or in life in general.

Here are the ladies who were eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Here are the women along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Colton:

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

The Bachelor airs Mondays on ABC at 7/8 p.m.