‘Bachelor in Paradise’ in the ninth circle of Hell

Bachelor in Paradise
September 10, 2018

We begin the penultimate episode of Bachelor in Purgatory with a date card: “Zoolander: Get camera ready!” Zoolander assures us that he was born camera ready before escorting E.T. out of Paradise and to a resort.

There, they are met by this guy …

capitol hunger games bar scene

… who took a break from his bartending duties in the Capitol to be Zoolander and E.T.’s photographer for their “engagement announcement.” And I will be completely honest: these two are quite photogenic, E.T. even more so than our professional model, I’m sure thanks to her extensive Instagram experience.

But then when Triffel Underdrop sends E.T. and Zoolander for a costume change — E.T. into a bridal gown and Zoolander into a cheap rental tuxedo — things get real, and E.T. begins to fret that she’s not ready for this.

An open letter to E.T.:

Dear E.T.,

You are not ready for this.


Every Married Grown-Ass Adult

E.T. manages to overcome her anxiety about wearing a tacky wedding dress, and they take some pictures and then they roll around in the surf in their wedding costumes thereby costing the production a solid $49.99 in Party City rental deposits.

They return to Paradise just in time to greet the newest — and final — arrival, Fun Robby.

robby bachelor in paradise bathing suit shh
This asshole.

And to the credit of these dummies, he is greeted by pretty much everyone with an eye-roll and a dismissive, “this shithead.” Still, this doesn’t stop Zoolander from running around and FREAKING OUT that E.T. is going to take one look at that shellacked poof of I want to say … hair? and leave his carefully manicured facial hair for Fun Robby’s carefully manicured facial hair.

Fortunately for true love, she does not, and Fun Robby is left having to take Yakov Witchov out on his date because everyone else is coupled up or not into his particular brand of cheaty bullshit. Yakov’s friends do remind her how he was a shithead to Single Mom last season, but Yakov understands that this is literally her last chance at a date, she’s going to take it, shithead or not.

They go to dinner where Yakov does ask Fun Robby what happened with Single Mom and he gives some mealymouthed answer about how they just weren’t meant to be — but it all worked out because she’s happy with someone else now. So if you really think about it, Fun Robby isn’t so much a cheater as he is a Love Facilitator. (Although, right on cue, this story broke yesterday, so, you know¯\_(ツ)_/¯.)

And then squirrels try to poison them by hurling strange berries into their drinks. Alas, they fail.

Back in Paradise, Grocery Joe and Taxiderpy are having a lovely time snuggling when Grocery Joe decides that he needs to tell her how he feels, that he “likes her soul.” When they talk about how it will be weird to not spend every waking moment together after Paradise ends, Grocery Joe suggests that maybe they’ll get engaged …


baby nope corner no thank you runs away.gif

The next day is the final rose ceremony, and the only real mystery is if Who? will give her rose to Venmo or Diggy. To try to impress her, Diggy has brought the trumpet player they danced to on their date earlier in the week to serenade them again. However, Venmo interrupts their little dance to drag Who? over to the beach where he has stuck sunflowers into the sand for reasons that elude me.

Also, there’s more talk with Yakov Smirnov about how Fun Robby cheated on Single Mom, but who cares. Who cares? No, really, no one cares, these two are not getting engaged, there is literally nothing at stake here.

Where something very real is at stake is with Grocery Joe and Taxiderpy. The couple goes off to talk by themselves where Grocery Joe points out that something clearly went wrong the night before. Taxiderpy explains that she’s just confused about her feelings, and is worried that they are moving towards being exclusive because they have to, not because they want to. Grocery Joe wonders if this is what she thinks he feels, or if this is what she feels. In response, Taxiderpy says that part of her obviously loves him but she’s not sure that she’s in love with him.

*grocery joe fans get up off their couches, begin searching for their pitchfork sharpeners*

Grocery Joe notes that this was his biggest fear: that she wouldn’t feel the same way he did, and Taxiderpy tries to claim that this is the problem: she doesn’t know how he feels. Grocery Joe is incredulous, insisting that he had been falling in love with her since day 2. But she’s the one who kept saying that all of her previous boyfriends had “suffocated” her and that she wanted to “keep things open” so he was trying to play by her rules. But the truth of the matter is he never went on any other dates, he never kissed anyone else, and he didn’t want her to go on that date with Khal Bozo and it pissed him off when she kissed Venmo.

But Taxiderpy continues to insist that she doesn’t know how she feels and that this is somehow his fault for not telling her about his feelings sooner.

*grocery joe fans pull out the torch lighter fluid from under the sink and head to the garage*

Grocery Joe tells Taxiderpy that he was happy with where they were at last night, but he now has his answer. And with that, he announces that he is leaving Paradise.

pitchforks and torches angry villagers
*grocery joe fans*

Grocery Joe and Taxiderpy grab their things, say their goodbyes to the others, leave Paradise forever, and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry and cry. And cry.

Finally, the rose ceremony:

Paula Abdul: KiWee Statham
Yakov Smirnov: FunRobby
Trauma Care: 60/40
Seen the Breasts?: Oh Canada (who are apparently cosplaying as Danny and Sandy from the end of Grease)

danny and sandy bachelor in paradise

grease finale sandy danny.jpg

I guess he’s the one that she wants.

ron swanson leslie knope high five parks and rec okay come on

Krystal with a K: Mr. Entitled
E.T.: Zoolander
Who?: Venmo

Which means, goodbye, Diggy. It shouldn’t have come as much of a surprise since you seem to have spent most of the evening with your trumpet-playing friend:

diggy trumpet 1diggy trumpet 2diggy trumpet 3

“Is he being haunted by that trumpet player?” — My husband who happened to watch half of this episode and had little to no context as to what was happening.

The next morning, Chris Harrison arrives and explains that the musical chairs portion of Bachelor in Paradise is over and that they are officially done with the new arrivals and the date cards and the roses and having sand in their nether regions. Now they have to take a cold, hard, sober look at the person they gave a rose to/received a rose from, and decide if they really want to rub their genitals against theirs could fall in love. The Dreaded Overnight Fantasy Suites are that night, so CHOOSE CAREFULLY. And with that Chris Harrison disappears in a puff of smoke.

Sure enough, Venmo and Who? decide it’s been fun, but they’re going to peace out.

KiWee Statham and Paula Abdul realize they don’t even know each other’s last names and decide that maybe an overnight fantasy suite is Too Soon.

Yakov Smirnov and Fun Robby also realize they have known each other for maybe five minutes and that getting engaged is highly unlikely.

And look, I respect the decision to not go on the Dreaded Overnight Fantasy Suite date, I genuinely think it demonstrates self-awareness and maturity. That said, I don’t really understand it. If I had spent thrive-leventy weeks with sand in every crevice, having to sleep in bunk beds and with nothing to do but hope that a raccoon stops by for a little conversation, I am going to that fancy hotel suite. I’m going to that fancy hotel suite, I am taking a long hot bath, I am putting on a fluffy robe, I am ordering ALL of the room service, I am crawling into that king sized bed and I am watching the Mexican TV. And if that means I have to conspire with my rose partner and lie to Chris Harrison that I am in love with this guy even though he only showed up in my life 36 hours ago, SO BE IT. Gimme the key, Chris Harrison.

On a more positive (?) note, Trauma Care and 60/40 choose the fluffy robes.

E.T. and Zoolander choose room service.

And Krystal with a K and Mr. Entitled choose Mexican TV.

But as for Oh Canada and Seen the Breasts? … things go sideways. Oh Canada, he’s so traumatized by his previous Dreaded Overnight Fantasy Suite experiences, that he’s decided he shouldn’t go with Seen the Breasts? As he explains, he knows he should be 100% with her but he is only “at 80%,” and he doesn’t know why. Seen the Breasts? is like, “Hold up, are you dumping me? Is that what is happening here?” And when she determines that yes, that is in fact what is happening here, she gets up and leaves, while Oh Canada whines at her, to not “leave [him] like this.”

Oh, Oh Canada, you’ve got to be fucking kidding me. You should be grateful right about now that she just went upstairs and packed her things and left Paradise with a degree of dignity instead of going to your room and setting all of your things on fire.

Finally, the dummies who decided to go to the Dreaded Overnight Fantasy Suites go. And I do not have the patience or stomach to describe all of their pre-mating rituals except to note that for one couple, a mask and a feather is involved, and for another, it’s a kielbasa. It is exactly as subtle as it sounds.

And now if you excuse me, I have some eye-bleaching to get to.

The women in Paradise:

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The men in Paradise:

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The pendejos who have been eliminated:


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Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays and Tuesdays on ABC. 

One thought on “‘Bachelor in Paradise’ in the ninth circle of Hell

  1. You are so right about the fantasy suite hotel dates–why wouldn’t they all do it?
    So funny how every time a new person gets cast onto the beach at least one ripe BIPer upon hugging them comments on how good they smell. Thrive-leventy weeks! Haha.

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