The Real Housewives of New York
“Reunion, Part 3”
September 5, 2018
I hate to tell you, friends, but we are not done with the endlessly tiring Bethenny/Princess Carole fight, not by a mile. When we begin this, the third and final part of the reunion, with Princess Carole telling Andy Cohen that he’s full of shit, and snapping that he must be afraid of Bethenny because he suggested that Princess Carole and Bethenny bashed each other on the show and that it wasn’t as one-sided as Her Royal Highness would have us believe.
Bethenny begins yelling that Princess Carole and her friend attacked Skinnygirl on an Insta story, by criticizing the very idea of “skinny” being aspirational. Princess Carole doesn’t deny it, but wonders how Bethenny saw it since she blocked Princess Carole (and Dorinda, apparently) on Instagram. This hardly seems like the issue.
We then move on to Red Scarf, and Andy Cohen wonders if, now having seen the season and the episode in which Red Scarf tells Bethenny that he only came to the speed dating event to see her, Princess Carole now believes Bethenny’s claims that he was continuing to pursue her.
But Princess Carole doesn’t want to give Bethenny an inch, and suddenly we are arguing about whether or not Bethenny was lying when she said she tried to set Princess Carole and Red Scarf up. There’s so much nattering about text messages which means nothing to the rest of us who were not privy to said messages, but the long and short of it is, Bethenny has an exchange between herself and Red Scarf where she texted to him, “I can easily set you up with Princess Carole,” and she shoves her phone in Her Royal Highness’ face with a triumphant, “BOOYAH, BITCH.”
There is some disagreement about the timing of said text messages but ohmygod I don’t care and I suspect you don’t either. The point is, these two now officially hate one another and will literally fight about any slight, perceived or actual. As Sonja points out, NO ONE EVEN WANTS TO DATE RED SCARF, BECAUSE HE DOESN’T EVEN LIVE IN MANHATTAN.
Andy Cohen tries to wrap up the Bethenny and Princess Carole Now Hate Each Other portion of the reunion by asking where they go from here, and Princess Carole begins whining that she was ready to try to make nice with Bethenny, but then she watched the season and saw Bethenny attacking her for not having children or a husband, so what was she supposed to do, Andy Cohen, not write nasty blog posts about Bethenny on bravotv.com? Both women then accuse the other of having changed fundamentally, and essentially asserting that they are done DONE!! with one another.
This bums out Andy Cohen and Dorinda.
We then have a Sonja Morgan Went to Costa Rica and Has No Idea What Being a Vegan Actually Means montage — which ends, interestingly enough, with her moving out of The Townhouse, which we did not see on the actual show.
Sonja reveals that she has moved to an apartment on Columbus Circle, but not in a high rise, Andy Cohen, she’s only 12 stories up …
The rest of America who lives on or near ground level:
… and there’s something about a rooftop, I don’t know. The point is, no one thought the day Sonja would leave The Townhouse would ever come, but they are all very proud of her for letting go.
A viewer wonders what happened over the summer to make Sonja go on meds and take a hippie retreat in Costa Rica. Sonaj admits that Bethenny had suggested to her that she was partying too much, so she sought out therapy and antidepressants. But then the antidepressants made her fat, so she went to Costa Rica and quit the drugs cold turkey.
This, Sonja explains, is why she was such an asshole at the beginning of the season: because going cold turkey apparently stripped her of her verbal filter and she just said whatever shit popped up in her brain, like that time she accused Tinsley of being a kept woman.
Andy Cohen asks Tinsley if she accepts this as an excuse, and Tinsley is like, “OH HELL NO I DO NOT, ANDY COHEN. SHE CALLED ME A PROSTITUTE. SHE CALLED ME ‘BREAKFAST AT TIFFANYS.'”
Another viewer asks Sonja if Dorinda doesn’t have the right to talk about her dead husband, and Sonja absolutely agrees that she does! But she also feels like she is allowed to talk about her ex-husband if she wants to.
We then briefly rehash the whole “Which is Worse: Divorce or Death” debate, with Dorinda pointing out that as someone who has been through both, SHE KINDA KNOWS WHICH IS WORSE. AND IT’S NOT DIVORCE. DIVORCE IS A CHOICE, DEATH IS NOT. Sonja, however, continues to insist that Dorinda will never appreciate that her divorce was like death, and it wasn’t her choice, because it was a decision made by “many people.”
Yeah, I don’t know either, Tom Cruise.
A viewer asks Dorinda why Sonja triggers her so, and Dorinda laughs that the two of them get along fine when they are by themselves
and no alcohol is involved. Another viewer asks Ramona and Sonja about their relationship which they boringly declare is “good” right now.
Dorinda is asked why she’s bothered by Sonja using the Morgan family crest on her shoes, and Dorinda starts yammering something about kilts again before trying to wave off the entire tiresome argument as something “stupid” and “funny” mostly because WHO ACTUALLY CARES IF SONJA DESIGNED A SHOE WITH A DEER ON IT.
And that’s when Ramona, who is clearly bored stupid with this boring discussion, gets up from the couch and begins slapping her thigh, because “cramps.” Girl, me too.
Up next is the Wow, Princess Carole Actually Ran a Marathon montage. Andy Cohen follows this up with questions about her relationship with the Duke of Bok Choy, and she insists that there is nothing romantic going on. In fact, there’s not much romantic going on in her life at all, aside from a few dates here and there. Also, too, she’s never running another marathon, thanks for asking.
A viewer asks Princess Carole about her relationship with Tinsley, and what they have in common. In an effort to counter Bethenny’s argument that she and Tinsley had become BFFs, and there was no more room in Princess Carole’s life for Bethenny, Her Royal Marathonness begins to argue that she and Tinsley aren’t actually all that close, she’s a nice girl or whatever, but she’s certainly not Princess Carole’s best friend.
Bethenny and Andy Cohen point out that Princess Carole and Tinsley, separate from the show, have gone on multiple international vacations together. In response to this inarguable fact, Her Royal Highness yells about how ALL SHE CARES ABOUT IS THE TRUTH AND BETHENNY IS MAKING UP BIG LIES.
Tinsley continues to wonder what’s so wrong with being friends with her, and Princess Carole is all, “NOTHING, BUT I’M TRYING TO PROVE BETHENNY WRONG HERE AND YOU’RE NOT HELPING.”
A viewer asks Princess Carole what she has written in the last two years, MISS JOURNALIST? Her Royal Highness points out that her journalist bonafides were built during her time at ABC News from 1988-2001, some “14 years ago.” Bethenny points out that it was actually 17 years ago, Princess Fact Check. Princess Carole snips that she also wrote two books and worked for Glamour Magazine during that time and she’d put her resume up against Bethenny’s ANY DAY OF THE WEEK.
This leads to Bethenny rattling off all of her many jobs over the years, starting with being Jerry Bruckheimer’s assistant and ending with Skinnygirl Jeans, to which Princess Carole huffs that she never said Bethenny didn’t have a career. She then adds that the only reason she wrote the bravotv.com blogs was to hold Bethenny accountable, not that we were talking about the stupid blogs but FINE. OK. WE’VE GOT IT.
The final montage is Cartagena? More like Shartagena, amirite?
Andy Cohen begins by pointing out that Ramona was easy-going about her room assignments on every trip this season and wonders if our screaming toddler has finally grown up? And Ramona — God bless her — admits that she used to think she was “entitled” to the larger rooms, but that she has since “evolved.”
Andy Cohen asks Bethenny about her constant meltdowns on the trip. As Princess Carole rolls her eyes as far back into her head as she can get them, Bethenny explains that right before she left for Colombia, she had completed “five renovations” (no idea what she’s talking about — she was renovating one apartment and doing some work on that house in the Hamptons?) and had organized 10 relief trips and was honestly too stressed out to take a vacation with these assholes. She is sorry if she inflicted her stress on everyone else.
In response, Princess Carole explains that she is “hypersensitive to unstable energy” (fine) that she is “uncomfortable” with emotional displays (ok) and that her hippocampus is HUGE.
Sonja has the only appropriate response: “I have a small canapus and a huge vagina.”
That’s our girl.
Princess Carole tries to explain that because of her “huge hippocampus” she is not a panicker and is just more logical than the other women. I mean, sure? Of course, the articles I read about the hippocampus suggest that the size of the organ correlates to one’s memory and ability to learn and has nothing to do with emotional connectivity or grasps of logic, but fine. Huge hippocampus. Got it.
Andy Cohen asks Tinsley if she ever considered that the women might not like Colombia, and she’s like “OF COURSE NOT” because of course not! Cartagena is a beautiful, vibrant, historic city, what’s not to love? Bethenny, in Tinsley’s defense, argues that it was just a particularly unlucky trip, and Ramona adds that she loved the trip … up until … the boat.
And just thinking about the boat, Ramona has her Stains the Cupcake Dog moment:
Andy Cohen asks Tinsley why she was so insistent that nothing was wrong when they were going through the rough water, and she explains that she had been on a similarly rough boat ride on a previous trip to Colombia with her ex-husband. She goes on to tell a sort of creepy story about how on that trip she was frightened but Ex-Husband told her to NOT SAY ANYTHING in front of their other friends, so she didn’t. Girrrrrllllll, you need to go to therapy. Maybe see if Sonja will bring you along on her raw vegan Costa Rica retreat or something.
Tinsley does admit that watching the footage back, it seemed terrifying and everyone, including Andy Cohen, is like, “IT WAS TERRIFYING.” Everyone then begins screaming about just how terrifying it was, with the fire and the nearly capsizing and the machetes and the vomiting and the whole Ramona-not-being-able-to-swim thing.
Andy Cohen notes that he had no idea until this episode that Ramona doesn’t know how to swim, and she points out that he’s never seen her in a pool without a noodle. CUE THE POOL NOODLE MONTAGE.
Tinsley then jokes that she’ll plan the next trip: “Tinsley’s Travels: Trips That Make You Skinny!”
Which brings us to The Diarrhea. Andy Cohen demands to know how a grown woman poops on the floor, and Ramona insists that it just “ran out” of her. She tried to get to the bathroom, Andy Cohen, but there wasn’t enough time. Parasites!
Finally, Andy Cohen asks if they will ever go back to Cartagena, and Sonja chirps that she and The Countess have already talked about a trip together.
Andy Cohen then asks the ladies to close the reunion and the season with their biggest regret of the season:
Bethenny: Saying to Dorinda, “You’re a drunk.” This causes Dorinda to gasp, and begin crying. Dorinda hugs Bethenny while telling her that this actually means a lot to her. When Andy Cohen tries to ask her her biggest regret, Dorinda tells him to skip her, she needs a moment to compose herself.
Tinsley: Screaming at Sonja, she’s sorry.
Sonja: Picking at old wounds with Tinsley.
Ramona: Posting that Instagram photo of the group when The Countess had just come out of rehab and texting Tom the Cheater to try to score an invite to his party.
Princess Carole: “Saying I’m full of shit?” Andy Cohen suggests to her, and BITCH DOESN’T REMEMBER SAYING IT.
Instead, Princess Carole’s biggest regret is that she and Bethenny were never able to reconnect their friendship.
Dorinda: Hurting The Countess’ feelings.
With that, Andy Cohen passes out some nasty green juice drink, because the last thing these assholes need is more tequila, and they toast the season and The Countess, hoping that she is in a great place. Well, she’s not there at the reunion, so she’s off to a good start. But they should have toasted Princess Carole because that lucky bitch is OUTTA HERE.
Bye, Princess Carole! I really liked you for most of your seasons, and I don’t know what happened to you this year and why your brain is broke, but best of luck writing a once -yearly pull quote for Cosmopolitan or whatever!
The Real Housewives of New York aired on Bravo on Wednesdays. It will presumably begin filming again sometime next month and be back in our lives sometime next spring.