‘Bachelor in Paradise’: WITCH HUNT!

Bachelor in Paradise
September 4, 2018

We are nearing the end of this romantic puragtory, friends, and it would seem our couples who have found love, like Oh Canada and Seen the Breasts?, are still discovering the mysteries that constitute their beloveds. For instance, Oh Canada spends several minutes explaining to Seen the Breasts? that he makes all of his own salad dressing — he never buys it — and he keeps cups and cups of this dressing in his refrigerator, ready to be used at any time. “You’re full of surprises!” a delighted Seen the Breasts? exclaims, without an ounce of irony.

IF WE HAVE ENOUGH TIME TO TALK ABOUT OH CANADA’S SALAD DRESSING GAME, WE HAVE TOO MUCH TIME. CUT THIS NONSENSE DOWN TO ONE HOUR A WEEK ALREADY.

nene sigh lord give me strength

Chris Harrison arrives, herds everyone into the Rejection Palapa where he introduces them to Bachelor in Paradise‘s only real success stories: Carly and Boner and Boobs McTrashShoes and Tanner. They are here to pick a couple to go on a date — and for reals this time, this isn’t another, “HA HA ACTUALLY NO ONE IS GOING ANYWHERE INSTEAD WE’RE GOING TO SPY ON SOME OTHER COUPLE BEFORE RETURNING YOU TO YOUR SAD SCHEDULE OF DAY DRINKING AND DRY HUMPING” prank.

I assume both couples interview everyone, but because we only have 120 minutes to fill, we only see Carly and Boner chat with:

Zoolander and E.T., where Zoolander talks about wanting 10 children with Jenna. (Girl, run.)

60/40 and Trauma Care. 60/40 literally says, “THIS IS GOING TOO FAST AND I NEED EVERYTHING TO SLOW DOWN PLEASE SEND HELP.” Trauma Care translates this for Carly and Boner to actually mean movers are taking her things to his apartment in New York as they speak and they have already chosen baby names.

Kiwi Statham and Yakov Smirnov. When asked if they can see themselves engaged at the end of this, Pocket Statham is all, “Y’all, I just walked in here 8 hours ago.”

And Grocery Joe and Taxiderpy. They ask Taxiderpy to describe Grocery Joe as produce, and she talks about how he bruises easily — which good start, but then takes a weird turn in describing him a hypochondriac, which last I checked was not a quality fruits and vegetables can have.

As for Boobs McTrashShoes and Tanner, they chat with:

Oh Canada and Seen the Breasts who inform them that they have a “12-month plan” for their future together, consisting mostly of making stores of salad dressing.

Venmo and Olivia, where Venmo admits to having kissed six other women at Paradise. This number seems low.

Eric the Good Dancer and Paula Abdul (who I was calling “Former NBA Dancer” in the last recap because I am old and my brain doesn’t work anymore). Eric the Good Dancer shares Pretty Boy Pitbull’s mouse and cheeselosophy which, in its fourth or fifth iteration, has lost all semblance of logic and I don’t think even Eric the Good Dancer knows what he’s talking about anymore.

And Mr. Entitled and Krystal with a K who are hoping for a memorable date so that they can “take this to the next level.” Because despite spending 24 hours a day with each other for weeks on end, their relationship can only really evolve if they go out on a generic dinner date at a nearby resort, that’s just love science.

Our Paradise survivors choose Grocery Joe and Taxiderpy because TWIST! the date is actually for them, they need babysitters and among the dummies they had to choose from, Taxiderpy and Grocery Joe seem the least likely to bring the babies into the hot tub or forget them at the bar.

After Grocery Joe and Taxiderpy struggle to assemble a crib, the parents arrive and surrender their babies to these two and Baby McTrashShoes takes an instant and quite vociferous dislike to Grocery Joe.

Crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying

the dark crystal roar floof

crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying

Now, the editing would have us believe that Boobs McTrashShoes, Tanner, Carly, and Boner just handed their infants over to these strangers and high-tailed it to a resort to go jet skiing and receive spa treatments and drink daiquiris and spend literally hours and hours away from their children. Instead, based on careful analysis of the footage, it would seem Boobs McTrashShoes, Tanner, Carly, and Boner handed over the babies, hung out in the production trailer for half an hour, and then rescued Grocery Joe and Taxiderpy once Baby McTrashShoes had cried herself out.

They are then sent on their first date outside of Paradise, where Grocery Joe awkwardly suggests they date exclusively and Taxiderpy awkwardly agrees even though I thought we had already been over this.

caroline exasperated annoyed sigh rhonj

Taxiderpy does ask Grocery Joe why he has never been in a long-term relationship and gee, I don’t know, maybe it’s because he approaches all conversations about relationships like a nervous 6th grader who wonders if a girl LIKE likes him or just likes him?

The baby visit has made other couples think about what horrors may lie ahead in their futures together, like babies named “Tucker,” and 60/40’s “Polish popsicle.”

party down shudder

As for Eric the Good Dancer, he comes to the realization that maybe, actually, upon second and third thought, he really misses Batman and shouldn’t have gaslit her and sent her home in favor of Paula Abdul.

To that end, he is going to M.C. Skat Kat out of Paradise.

awkward high five fail

So I have a question: why did we just spend 30 minutes watching Eric the Good Dancer have multiple emotionally-wrought conversations with a woman he had been on exactly one date with, then walk pensively up and down the beach, and then say tearful goodbyes to every single cast and crew member in Paradise when we only spent 15 seconds on G.I. Jane’s mysterious departure? WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN G.I. JANE AND VENMO? I DEMAND ANSWERS.

Also, everyone needs to calm their shit about Eric the Good Dancer leaving. He’s not dead, you dummies, you’ll see him in the Bachelor studio in a matter of days.

As for the people who continue to stomach this place, Mr. Entitled finally receives a date card and takes Krystal with a K to dinner at one of the local resorts. There, the two officially declare their love for one another, a moment whose banality is interrupted momentarily by a raccoon who, fleeing a sobbing Niña de Papa, crashes the scene. Then they are “treated” to a “private concert” by some gringos the show had to fly down to Mexico for this singular purpose, and Krystal with a K calls it the “most romantic moment” she has ever experienced. This makes me very, very sad.

Back in Paradise, the inmates play Truth or Dare, which starts off gross enough when Venmo and Who? are dared to recreate Carly and Boner’s record-breaking “hottest” kiss. There’s so much tongue and seeds and saliva and I just …

can't unsee eyewash

Next, Trauma Care hits Yakov Smirnov with a truth: Does she believe in love at first sight? Yakov Smirnov, locking her eyes on 60/40 — whom she still has a thing for and has decided he is also into her, he just doesn’t realize it yet —  is all, “YEP.” Tiny Statham asks a follow-up: is there is anyone in Paradise she wishes she could have kissed. Without breaking her stare at 60/40, Yakov is like, “YEP.”

Yakov then asks 60/40 a truth: Is he in a committed relationship? He stammers that as of right now, right this very second, as they are sitting here, yes, he is. Yakov, staring down Trauma Care, then asks the entire group a truth: have they ever wanted TO KILL SOMEONE?

troy-scared

And with that, 60/40 and Trauma Care declare they are going to bed because NO THANK YOU CRAZY.

Once they leave, Bite-size Statham takes Yakov Smirnov to a daybed to discuss whether or not she’s ready to move on from 60/40 already and give him a chance, but she’s all, “NOPE. I AM THOROUGHLY INVESTED IN CHASING AFTER THIS GUY WHO JUST TOOK ANOTHER WOMAN TO BED, THANKS.”

The next morning, Pygmy Statham receives a date card and asks Yakov to join him, but she’s all, “NO I AM IN LOVE WITH 60/40 AND SHALL NEVER GIVE UP HOPE ON OUR ROMANCE WHICH HAS BEEN DESTINED BY THE UNIVERSE.” And so Wee Statham asks Paula Abdul to go on his date, and they have a lovely time playing on the beach.

Yakov then asks 60/40 to go chat. There, she reminds him that he said that maybe if they went on another date, his feelings towards her might develop and wonders if he still feels that way. He repeats that there is no spark between them, but Yakov just smiles enigmatically, before insisting that things can change. 60/40 continues to insist that he just doesn’t feel that way about her, but she flatly announces that she doesn’t believe him. “OK I HAVE TO GO KISS MY GIRLFRIEND, PLEASE DO NOT FOLLOW ME,” 60/40 all but screams as he hurries away from Crazypants.

Yakov Stalkerov whines to Who? that she just isn’t attracted to “easy.” She likes a challenge, and what’s more of a challenge than a man yelling into her face “I AM NOT INTO YOU”?

Meanwhile, 60/40 whines to Trauma Care that Yakov Smirnov is “using her Russian witchery” on him, and Trauma Care is all, “THAT’S IT. I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS ACTUAL WITCH HITTING ON THE MAN I AM GOING TO BE BURIED NEXT TO. I AM GOING TO GO TELL HER TO BACK OFF ONCE AND FOR ALL, AND IF I AM TURNED INTO A TOAD FOR MY TROUBLE, SO BE IT.”

Monty Python Burn the Witch

Trauma Care sits Yakov Witchov down and explains that she needs to leave 60/40 alone and warns her against using her witchcraft to put spells on them in an attempt to break them up.

Yakov is all, “Hold up, can we rewind to the witch thing? Y’all think I’m a WITCH? Because I’m RUSSIAN?” And Trauma Care is all, “Yeah, that’s what my Polish boyfriend said. OK, to recap: leave 60/40 alone, no spells. BYEEEEEE.”

So Yakov has a cry on the beach because first they were calling her “Eruo trash” and now she’s a witch. Baby girl, just own it, there’s great power in being a witch. “Oh, you found out I’m a witch? Cool, now if you’ll excuse me, I have some potions to brew and some hexes to cast.” Then start chanting random things in Russian, collect strange things you find on the beach, maybe leaving fish bones and dried clumps of seaweed on Trauma Care’s bed and possessions, start making twig dolls and hang them in 60/40’s doorway, pile rocks up outside of the bathroom when Trauma Care is in the shower, cackle. Just lean into it and freak everyone out.

ahs-american-horror-story-blair-witch-dolls

Somehow we have another new arrival: Diggy from Rachel’s season of The Bachelorette. He tries to invite Yakov Smirnov on the date with him, but she’s like, “Sorry, But I don’t date anyone who is available.”

Diggy then moves on to Who? who happily agrees to go on the date with him. Before she leaves on the date, though, Who? chats with Yakov Smirnov who is still crying about being called a witch instead of going into town to find herself a pointy hat, a broom and a black cat like I would have, and starts whining that maybe she should just go home.

Somehow, mysteriously, Who? manages to convince Yakov that what she’s really upset about is not 60/40 nor being called a witch, but that Tiny Statham is gone and that she actually — despite turning him down — wanted to go on that date with him. In fact, the two of them, Yakov and Peewee Statham, looked “natural” together, Who? adds. Who? then suggests that when Mini Statham returns, Yakov should talk to him and tell him about her (new, completely planted in her head by Who?) feelings. And soon, Yakov is talking about how being with Little Statham gave her goosebumps and that the idea of two of them together is “perfect!”

Y’ALL, THERE IS A WITCH IN PARADISE AND IT IS WHO?

3c191-bewitched1

Who? then leaves on her date where she puts a spell on Diggy that forces him to hand his glasses over to her, leaving him blind and powerless.

fiona-goode-baddest-witch

Back in Paradise, Yakov explains to the others that she is no longer interested in 60/40, but is all about KiWee Statham. Venmo, explaining this weird turn of events to the viewers, says, “For someone who keeps saying she’s not a witch, she’s all over the map.”

I have some follow-up questions for Venmo:

Do you think witches — as in the supernatural beings — are real?

Do you think being indecisive makes a woman a witch?

What, exactly, do you think a witch is?

Meanwhile, Yakov finds her inner witch, builds a fire, and burns a framed photo of 60/40 that I guess she brought to Paradise with her? in it.

rhom witches burn fire

When KiWee Statham returns from his date with Paula Abdul, he’s informed that the rumor is Yakov is a witch, and, bless him, his reply is “What sort of witch?” Good question! Is she a Gardnerian Witch? An Alexandrian Witch? Hereditary Witch? A Solitary Witch? Eclectic? Faery? Green? Kitchen? Ceremonial? Druid? Dianic? Augury? Hedge? Secular? Shaman? THIS IS AN IMPORTANT QUESTION TO DETERMINE WHAT KIND OF MAGIC WE ARE UP AGAINST, PEOPLE.

Yakov brings KiWee Statham to her witch fire for some dessert and to chat, and there explains that while he was on his date with Paula Abdul, she was jealous. She then asks how he feels about her, and he admits that he’s confused, that her weird thing with 60/40 is not something he wants to be in the middle of, and that he’s enjoying hanging out with non-witch, Paula Abdul.

Yakov stomps away from the fire and throws herself on a daybed where she sobs and sobs. KiWee Statham goes to comfort her as she cries about it being “SO UNFAIR” (even though she was the one who turned him down in the first place). When he insists that she has much to offer, she wails, “EXCEPT I’M A FUCKING WITCH!”

“That’s a stumble!” he cheerfully replies.

And that is how KiWee Statham officially became my favorite person on any of these terrible shows, the end.

The women in Paradise:

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The men in Paradise:

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The pendejos who have been eliminated:

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Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays and Tuesdays on ABC. 

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