Hello, friends. Today is Labor Day and because it’s Labor Day, there is no real television news. In fact, the only real news from anywhere was about a pair of funerals that were held this weekend, and all of that can wait until tomorrow, frankly.
And I know you think you know where this post is going: a cute animal video, right?
No, instead we are going to play y’all’s favorite game in which I, for self-hating reasons I don’t entirely understand, allow you to pick which new fall show I should hate blog. If you’ll remember, you sadists chose The Orville for me to tackle last year and I HATED EVERY GODDAMN SECOND OF IT. I had actually intended to have y’all choose a midseason show for me to write about, but I honestly needed some time to recover from my Seth MacFarlane-induced nightmare.
There are a couple of changes from last year’s poll. First of all, I am including all of the new one-hour series debuting this fall, including one reality series. Last year I only included shows that I had no intention of watching, but this year I will admit that there are shows on this list that I am interested in — but I’m not going to tell you which ones. (That said, if you’ve read this blog or any of my writing for any amount of time, I’m sure you can guess which shows they are.)
The other change is that I’m keeping the poll open for about three weeks. The networks’ fall season kicks off on September 23rd, so you’ll have between now and then to cast your votes.
And now, meet your contestants:
A Million Little Things: ABC’s attempt to get some of that sweet, sweet This is Us viewership. Mix one dead guy, three parts plinky guitar music, a heaping scoop of pretty people crying, blend with thirtysomething and serve. (ABC, September 26)
All American: Friday Night Lights + The OC = this show. (The CW, October 10)
Charmed: A somewhat controversial remake of the late 90s-early 2000s series about three sisters who discover they are witches. None of the original actresses are involved and they are soooooo pissed about it. (The CW, October 14)
Dancing with the Stars: Junior: Kind of like when So You Think You Can Dance had that one season with kid dancers, except instead of talented young performers, we will be subjected to the likes of Honey Boo Boo and Tractor Palin. (ABC, October 7)
FBI: A Dick Wolf procedural about, well, the FBI. I mean, it’s right there in the title. (CBS, September 25)
God Friended Me: An atheist with daddy issues is friended on social media by God who then orders him to do things that change people’s lives in heart-warming ways. (CBS, September 30 — although, you can watch the pilot episode online right now)
Legacies: A spinoff of The Originals which itself was a spinoff of The Vampire Diaries, this new series takes place at The Salvatore School for the Young and Gifted, where young vampires, witches, and werewolves learn to control their supernatural powers. The CW picked this up instead of Wayward Sisters, a spinoff of Supernatural, and Whitney is still not over it. (The CW, October 25)
Magnum P.I.: A mustache-less remake of the 1980s Tom Selleck private detective series. Plenty of Hawaii, plenty of Ferraris, but I repeat: no mustaches. (CBS, September 24)
Manifest: A plane hits some turbulence, and when it lands, the passengers discover that five years have passed and they were presumed dead. Basically, NBC has decided that enough time has passed since Lost’s finale that they can do a Lost. (NBC, September 24)
New Amsterdam: A brash young doctor takes over a Manhattan hospital and shakes things up. Speaking of Lost, this is not Dr. Jack Shephard, but there is a resemblance, I agree. (NBC, September 25)
The Rookie: Nathan Fillion is the oldest rookie cop on the LAPD. Prepare yourself for a bunch of old man jokes. (ABC, October 16)
So there you have it. One of these shows will be the bane of my existence for at least one half of one season. My fate is now in your hands:
- The Story of God has been renewed for a third season by Nat Geo, following an investigation into the sexual harassment claims against Morgan Freeman.
- David Cronenberg is developing a television series and I am already freaked out.
- Alan Tudyk has been cast as Mr. Nobody in Doom Patrol on DC Universe.
- Blake Jenner is joining the cast of What/If on Netflix.
Mark Your Calendar
- The Conners will debut on ABC on October 16.
- THE GOOD PLACE IS COPYING MY WHOLE DISTRACT THEM WITH CUTE ANIMAL VIDEOS THING. HOW DARE THEY. The Good Place returns on NBC on September 27.
Susan Brown, Actress best-known for her work on General Hospital
Carole Shelley, Actress
Bachelor in Paradise: Indianapolis Colt and Sooey, Jr. are going to break up. On the upside: we don’t have to hear about Indianapolis Colt and Sooey, Jr. anymore. (At least not until he becomes the Bachelor in January.) 3 HOURS. 3 FREAKING HOURS. 7 p.m., ABC
Adventure Time with Finn and Jake: One last trip through the land of Ooo. Series finale. (Ahead of the finale, an Adventure Time marathon begins at 5:30 a.m.) 5 p.m., Cartoon Network
RBG: The documentary on the one and only Ruth Bader Ginsburg. PLEASE, PLEASE DON’T DIE, RBG. 7 p.m., CNN
King of the Hill Grillstraviganza: Yep. 8 a.m., Comedy Central
ID marathon: ID network gives viewers a sneak peek of their upcoming fall slate all day, leading up to the premiere of the new series, Twisted Sisters at 9 p.m. 2 p.m., ID
Ghost Adventures marathon: SCREAM AT IMAGINARY GHOSTS ALL DAY. 7 a.m., Travel Channel
|ABC||Bachelor in Paradise
|Life in Pieces
|CW||Penn & Teller: Fool Us
|Whose Line is it Anyway?
|Whose Line is it Anyway?
|FOX||So You Think You Can Dance
|NBC||American Ninja Warrior
America’s Got Talent