‘The Real Housewives of New York City’: OK, Andy Cohen is full of shit, but so is everyone else on this dumb show

The Real Housewives of New York
“Reunion, Part 2”
August 29, 2018

We begin the second part of the reunion where we left the first: with Dorinda insisting that she does not have a drinking problem, while everyone else carefully avoids making eye contact with her.

schitt's creek acoid eye contact awkward.gif

Dorinda explains that she’s going to a therapist every other week and she talks to her mother and that’s as all the treatment she needs for her very obvious alcohol problem.

Andy Cohen asks her about her behavior with The Countess in Colombia, and she claims that she was ABSOLUTELY not drunk, that they had just sat down, she was just really mad at The Countess in that moment.

Ramona and Sonja:

schitt's creek acoid eye contact awkward

Bethenny calls Ramona out, saying that at the time Ramona was telling Dorinda that she had too much to drink, but now that they’ve made some sort of alliance …

Bethenny then defends The Countess, arguing that she was just being one of those smug just-out-of-rehab Judgey McJudgersons, and that maybe Dorinda should have a little bit of empathy for the person who attacked her for no good reason. Did she ever think about it that way?

A viewer asks Dorinda if she ever considered putting herself into rehab after seeing what it did for The Countess? Dorinda: NOPE.

Another viewer asks if it bothered anyone else that The Countess never apologized to Dorinda and Bethenny again peddles the line that it was Dorinda’s responsibility to be sensitive to The Countess, which no. Just as being drunk doesn’t excuse being an asshole, neither does being fresh out of rehab. The bottom line is both women were jackasses at that dinner and they both owe each other apologies, full stop.

Sonja begins to try to interject her two crazy cents, but Dorinda insists that she’s the last person to talk about anyone drinking too much, to which Sonja points out that at least she doesn’t get drunk and insult everyone else’s vaginas.

dorinda holland tunnel vagina rhony

For instance.

Andy Cohen asks Dorinda about how emotional she became at the island, adding that she said she wanted to be “a safe place” for The Countess, and Dorinda is all, “Well, yeah, we’ve been friends for 12 years, I’m not a monster. But bitch still owes me an ‘I’m sorry.'”

Andy Cohen then turns to the finale, and how The Countess didn’t invite Fudgie to her show but did invite Scott. Bethenny tries to sell The Countess’ bullshit that she “learned her lesson” and that’s why she invited Scott, but even Tinsley is like, “Yeah, no.”

biance no rupaul drag

As for Dorinda screaming “JOVANI! JOVANI! JOVANI!” from the audience, that wasn’t heckling The Countess, Andy Cohen, that was celebrating the dresses, silly!

Andy Cohen then asks the women who among them are concerned about Dorinda’s drinking, and they all pretty much raise their hands because …

rhony unintellible slurring dorinda real housewivesdrunk dorinda toast yacht rhonythe joker unintelligible slurring dorinda rhony

Next up: The Tinsley Mortimer is Venturing Into some Lady Havisham Territory montage.

lady havisham great expectations heart break.gif

Here’s all you need to know about Tinsley: she and Scott are still on-again-off-again and they see other people when they are off-again and he is never going to marry her, the end.

Andy Cohen moves on to The Countess portion of the reunion, explaining that they had intended to celebrate her hero’s journey from divorce, to arrest, to the belly of the beast, to triumphant return to the public eye, but then … Cue the montage.

Turns out, the weekend before the reunion, Bethenny and some others held something of a makeshift intervention, and The Countess made the choice to return to rehab to get a few tuneups and do some more yoga. Bethenny adds that The Countess’ legal mess — the mess where she was being sued by The Count and The Countlings for trying to sell their Hamptons house and use the proceeds to buy a different house upstate instead of putting the money into a trust for The Countlings as she was legally required to do — added to her recent fall off the wagon, and Bethenny brought Dennis along to help The Countess sort the legal issues out.

Ugh, Dennis.

SPN_Dean that makes me sad

Andy Cohen asks the ladies about The Countess’ attitude at the beginning of the season when she essentially demanded that everyone pretend her marriage and divorce from Tom the Cheater NEVER HAPPENED WHYAREWEEVENTALKINGABOUTANYOFTHIS HAHAHAHAAHA HEYLOOKOVERTHERE *puts on afro wig and blackface to change the conversation*

Everyone agrees that she was weird and defensive about the whole thing, and then Ramona reveals that back in season 9 when they went to Mexico, she told The Countess some specific things about Tom the Cheater, and that’s why The Countess drank 87 tequila shots and fell into the bushes.

countess rhony real housewives new york please don't let it be about tombethenny it's about tom rhony real housewives of new york

luann drunk bushes rhony real housewives drinking

Andy Cohen asks the women if they suspected The Countess was drinking again, and everyone is all, “Duh, we all knew she was boozing it up.” Ramona reveals that The Countess got herself kicked out of The Beacon, as well as some dude’s party and she’s shocked, SHOCKED! that neither instance made it into Page Six.

Bethenny then talks a bit about how over the course of this season she’s come to realize that The Countess, despite seeming so formidable, is really a big baby who just wants to be loved. Ok, sure, but that still doesn’t mean she shouldn’t apologize to Dorinda for also being an asshole.

A viewer asks Ramona why she tried so hard to be invited to Tom the Cheater’s New Year’s Eve party before asking how she would feel if one of the other women reached out to Mario that way, and Ramona legitimately seems to have only now considered the issue from this perspective.

shocked-whoa-what-the-fuck

Ramona then tries to blame the whole desperately trying to snag an invitation to Tom’s party on her friend, but whatthefuckever. Sonja actually received an invitation and even she knew better than to respond in any way.

Andy Cohen then talks a bit about how successful The Countess’ cabaret show has been, and everyone wonders if that hasn’t actually contributed to her current substance abuse problems: that she had become too famous for her own good and was confusing fame and infamy. Orrrrrr … and hear me out … she only went to rehab in the first place because it was legally expedient to do so and she never really accepted that she had a problem and the second she thought she could get away with it, she started having a drink or two here and there and she maybe was able to handle it at first, but then she tried to pull this real estate stunt and her family turned on her and the whole thing came crashing down on her head. That’s also a possibility.

Next montage: What Are These Two Bitches Even Fighting About? No, For Reals Though?

The Bethenny vs. Princess Carole montage ends with them saying that they hoped they had finally found that sweet spot where they could be friends again. But, alas, as we come into the reunion, it seems that these two hate each other more than ever, thanks to that one common denominator in all Real Housewives feuds: their personal blogs on Bravotv.com.

Princess Carole explains that she spent most of the summer before the season began filming in Los Angeles, comforting a friend whose husband died. Then when she returned, Bethenny was working on her charity projects and Princess Carole was training for the marathon and they naturally drifted apart. So far so cool.

But then Bethenny begins complaining about being left out of Princess Carole’s birthday celebrations and Princess Carole was upset about the things that Bethenny was saying about the Viscount of Sprouts and the point is: miscommunication. OK, got it.

But things quickly go sideways when Princess Carole accuses Bethenny of texting her too much over the holidays and then the two of them are both pulling out pages of printed messages and notes.

Bethenny:

receipts dynasty joan collins proof

Princess Carole:

receipts dynasty joan collins proof

Princess Carole insists that she didn’t say anything mean about Bethenny (not true), and Bethenny claims that the only bad thing she said about Princess Carole was that she didn’t have a career (not true). In response, Princess Carole begins reading off a long list of cruel things Bethenny said about her over the course of the season, including that Her Royal Highness isn’t married, doesn’t have children, doesn’t have a career, that she is a clingy girlfriend and at the same time an unavailable girlfriend, that she cares more about clothes and hair than Puerto Rico, that she’s sad and lonely, and that she’s old.

*looks over notes*

Yep, that all checks out.

Bethenny counters that Princess Carole called her a narcissist, but Her Royal Highness denies this, claiming that she only said she was proud of Bethenny as if none of us have sat through the last 20 episodes of this dumb show. The two women then begin squabbling about their respective resumes, I don’t even know, and when Andy Cohen is all, “LADIES, LADIES, you BOTH were horrible to each other,” Princess Carole tells him he’s full of shit and clearly terrified of Bethenny.

And that is how this episode — which was in memory of Dennis — comes to an end.

bethenny oh my god rhony exasperated

The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo on Wednesdays at 8/9 p.m.

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