Bachelor in Paradise
August 20, 2018
Last we saw of these idiots, Indianapolis Colt — who I really wish would do something dumb so that I could start calling him Indianapolis Dolt, before I changed it to Dolton — had informed Sooey, Jr. that Mr. Entitled, after spending hours telling her that he was only there for her and giving Indianapolis Colt ENDLESS SHIT for not being ready to tie himself down to one person in Paradise, that this gobblebox right here made out with Krystal with a K the night before. And thus we begin with Soeey, Jr. marching over to Mr. Entitled, demanding that he explain himself.
And get this: Mr. Entitled first says that just because he shoved his tongue down Krystal’s throat doesn’t mean he’d accept a date card from her or anyone else, and Sooey, Jr. is being unreasonable. Nothing’s changed! It’s all fine! Sooey, Jr. needs to calm down!
Sooey, Jr. laughs at the absurdity of the situation and that’s when Krystal with a K joins them because THAT’S what this situation needs. It’s at this point that Mr. Entitled swerves from, “I’m still really into you” to “Well, I saw you talking to Indianapolis Colt last night so I was well within my rights to feel up another girl.”
Krystal with a K announces that she just isn’t sure how she feels about being in this situation — the situation being that she is into someone (Mr. Entitled) who is into someone else (Sooey, Jr.) who is into someone else (Indianapolis Colt) but Sooey, Jr. is like, “Good news: it doesn’t matter, because I am removing myself from said situation.” And Mr. Entitled — who just moments ago claimed that his making out with Krystal with a K didn’t change his feelings about Sooey, Jr., HE JUST SAID IT AND WE ALL SAW IT WITH OUR EYEBALLS — this asshole right here is all, “Well, I removed myself from this situation first. I decided to do that before any of this took place.”
And Sooey, Jr., to her credit, is like, “Whatever, dude. Good luck with all this, Krystal with a K, yo necessito tequila,” before peacing out on Mr. Entitled forever.
As for Krystal with a K, at first she’s excited that Mr. Entitled is officially available, but when he brushes her off in favor of getting a drink at the bar, she spends the next — what appears to be several hours — wandering around the pool crying at anyone who will listen about how “tarnished” their relationship (such as it is) is, before deciding that she just needs to take a little “Krystal with a K” time. OK, but why is she so upset Mr. Entitled wanted a drink? AND WHY DID I JUST SPEND FIVE MINUTES OF MY LIFE WATCHING A WOMAN WANDER AROUND BEING UPSET THAT A MAN WANTED A DRINK?
Then we are forced to spend an inordinate amount of time watching Sooey, Jr. come to the “realization” that maybe she still is into Indianapolis Colt after all. O? U THINK?
That’s when The Challenger from Needledick’s season arrives at Paradise armed with a date card and smelling all clean, posing a potential danger to the women who currently smell like Paradise: sea salt, margarita mix, and desperation. The Challenger asks Indianapolis Colt to chat with her, sending Sooey, Jr. into a complete tailspin and sobbing that she wants Indianapolis Colt to “choose [her].”
Sooey, Jr. needn’t have worried, though, because in his chat with The Challenger (who, it should be noted, is way too intelligent for him anyway) Indianapolis Colt basically tells her that he’s not available as he’s currently engrossed in a completely fucked up situation.
But while he is still interested in seeing if Sooey, Jr. is “his person,” that doesn’t mean he’s ready to date her, as he explains to her in a very confusing conversation. There he explains he doesn’t want to hurt her, which is why he’s considering going home after deciding to stay after deciding to go home.
And can we just pause here and ask which producer has put this GOD AWFUL “my person” phrase into all of these dummies’ mouths, as in “I am looking for my person,” because I demand they be fired. Immediately.
As for The Challenger, she ends up asking Pretty Boy Pitbull to join her on her date, and he agrees to, in spite of the fact that he has been cozying up to Trauma Care after being thrown over the side by Krystal with a K the night before. (So it’s not like he and Trauma Care are engaged or anything.)
The two go to dinner where they have a charming and interesting conversation about their respective heritages and OMG, JUST LEAVE PARADISE TOGETHER RIGHT NOW, YOU TWO. NEITHER OF YOU ARE GOING TO DO BETTER THAN THIS, I PROMISE. You’re smart, you’re attractive, you’re charming and somehow I doubt that Pretty Boy Pitbull is going to demand that you forgo getting your Ph.D. to support him in his wrestling career a la Needledick or that she is going to go make out with a Ben Stiller-wannabe man-ape the minute you turn your back a la Krystal with a K.
But when they return to Paradise, Trauma Care is waiting for Pretty Boy with a couple of bowls of melted ice cream and the next thing you know, they are making out.
Elsewhere, Venmo finds himself in a tug-of-war between G.I. Jane and Stepmom, and G.I. Jane is NOT HERE TO PLAY AROUND.
As for Krystal with a K and Mr. Entitled, don’t worry, those two assholes kiss and make up.
The next morning, Sooey, Jr. is still upset that Indianapolis Colt won’t give in to her demands to date her, so Manguita confronts him and is like, “HEY DUMMY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING, YOU KNOW YOU CARE ABOUT SOOEY, JR. AND YOU KNOW PERFECTLY WELL THAT YOU’RE NOT GOING TO DATE ANYONE ELSE HERE SO GODDAMN IT, JUST DATE SOOEY, JR. ALREADY, YOU’RE IRRITATING THE SHIT OUT OF EVERYONE.”
That night, Indianapolis Colt sits Sooey, Jr. down and surrenders. He’ll date her, IS THAT WHAT SHE WANTED TO HEAR?
And on behalf of everyone, thank God, can we just have them leave Paradise together right now and never have to think about them ever again? Please? PLEASE?
Finally, the night of the rose ceremony arrives, and you know it’s a special night because Jordan is wearing his fancy red floral pants and matching vest sans shirt ensemble.
Because four women are going home, the distinct whiff of panic is mixed in with the usual Paradise scent of sunscreen, tequila, Axe Body Spray and withering self-doubt, particularly for Trauma Care, The Challenger, and Manguita, all of whom begin circling Pretty Boy Pitbull, and G.I. Jane and Stepmom who are still battling it out for Venmo’s attention. And while The Challenger tries to win Venmo’s attention by batting her eyelashes at him, G.I. Jane is offering massages, so.
As for Pretty Boy Pitbull, he makes the most out of his newfound popularity, talking Edgar Allen Poe with The Challenger before making out with her; talking about how Manguita is just now realizing that her free vacation is about to come to an end before making out with her; and talking lucha libre with Trauma Care before making out with her. I guess get it while you can, Pretty Boy.
Meanwhile, Chicken Head, in an attempt to make more trouble for Zoolander, gives E.T. a giant stuffed dog as a birthday present — and, before we go any further, where are they getting all of these stuffed animals? Are the producers raiding some Mexican street fair? Did they come to Mexico with a stash of stuffed animals for the contestants to give one another? Is there a formal requisition order that the contestants have to fill out if they want a giant stuffed dog? Are only dogs available? What if they want an otter? I HAVE MANY QUESTIONS.
Anyway, for shits and giggles and to infuriate Zoolander, Chicken Head gives Trauma Care this stuffed dog, which she creatively names “Brownie.” But within seconds of the gift being received, Zoolander marches wordlessly towards them, grabs Brownie and hurls it into the ocean.
E.T. is unimpressed.
Girl, you can do better.
Chicken Head tries to explain to Zoolander that it was just a gesture, just a big dog named “Brownie.” “YEAH, WELL, I DRAGGED IT ACROSS THE BEACH SO I GUESS I’M THE BIGGER DOG,” Zoolander “retorts,” before stomping up to the bar. There, G.I. Jane gently mocks Zoolander, urging him to “do his thing,” which further pisses Zoolander off, and he compares her (who he calls “Jubilene?”) to a set of tires to his “Ferrari.”
Later, G.I. Jane and Grendel’s Mom are laughing at Zoolander’s outfit because …
… and he orders them to shut the fuck up. Everyone is immediately outraged.
As Zoolander stomps off yelling about how he is going to BURN IT ALL DOWN, Trauma Care trots after him to urge him to calm his tits. “I’M SUCH A GOOD GUY,” he keeps insisting, “WHY IS EVERYONE MAD AT ME FOR DROWNING A STUFFED ANIMAL?”
Meanwhile, E.T. is all, “What the actual fuck is going on with this lunatic?”
Eventually, Eric the Good Dancer urges Zoolander to offer the women an apology, pointing out that they didn’t need that nastiness, especially on a night when some of them will be going home. Zoolander gives a begrudging apology, and thanks Eric the Good Dancer and Trauma Care for talking him off the ledge, and with that, we can FINALLY get on with the rose ceremony and end this episode.
And before we move on with the rest of the ceremony, the producers missed an obvious opportunity here to have Chicken Head go first and possibly offer E.T. a rose, I guess in the belief that the question of whether or not E.T. would accept Zoolander’s rose was drama enough. It wasn’t.
Chicken Head: Grendel’s Mom
Oh Canada: Seen the Breasts?
Mr. Entitled: Krystal with a K
Venmo: G.I. Jane
Grocery Joe: Taxiderpy
Indianapolis Colt: Sooey, Jr.
Eric the Good Dancer: Batman
Pretty Boy Pitbull: Trauma Care
Which means, adios, Manguita, the only reasonable voice in Paradise. Y adios, Stepmom, whose nickname I really liked. Y adios, Nurse Nutso, I barely remembered you were even here — and clearly so did the men. Y adios, The Challenger. You were too smart to be on this dumb show anyway, chiquita.
The women in Paradise:
The men in Paradise:
The pendejos who have been eliminated:
Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays and Tuesdays on ABC. It is slowly killing me.