‘The Real Housewives of Dallas’: About face

The Real Housewives of Dallas
“Face to Face”
August 28, 2017

If the previous episode’s dog costume party didn’t tip you off, it’s Halloween in Dallas, and Stephanie is planning to throw an expensive party — costing somewhere in the $15,000-$20,000 range of expensive — to both celebrate the holiday and to punish her husband for purchasing a $5 million dollar home without consulting her. This is a very healthy and adult relationship. For sure.

Her party planner announces the theme is going to be “Bad Romance,” which I heard as “True Romance,” and I thought, “YES, I WOULD TOTALLY DRESS AS GARY OLDMAN,” because that’s how old I am, not that basing a party theme on a 10-year-old Lady Gaga song makes you exactly young and with it. The major decorating component will be chandeliers littering the lawn like a “chandelier graveyard,” not unlike Margaret’s disco ball cemetery to celebrate disco? her pigtails? being old enough to remember disco? I honestly don’t remember.

IT WOULD BE AN AMAZING COSTUME.

Over in Cary’s world, she and her daughter make cookies and dinner for Dr. Husband who comes home and is all, “WHY DIDN’T YOU HAVE A GLASS OF WINE POURED FOR ME ALREADY?” and “IS THIS ALL THERE IS FOR DINNER?” because he’s an asshole.

Later, Dr. Husband makes Cary film some sort of online video with him discussing the practice, because what good is it for her to be on this dumb show if they can’t monetize it, right? She spends the balance of the time in front of the camera alternating between glaring at him, rolling her eyes, and declaring that SHE CAN’T HEAR THIS SAME STORY ONE MORE TIME OR SHE’S GOING TO JUMP OUT A WINDOW because she clearly hates this, him, everything.

That new woman, Kameron? She and her husband the Hobbit take their daughter — but not their son for some reason — to “an authentic Mexican restaurant” BECAUSE THOSE ARE REAL RARE IN TEXAS, Y’ALL — where they make their daughter order for them to show off for the cameras. Oh, does your daughter know how to say, “Yo quiero taco?”  Wow. That fancy Spanish tutor is really paying off, guys.

Other things we also learned over dinner: Hobbit will not be accompanying Kameron to Stephanie’s Halloween party because he doesn’t want to humiliate himself in a dumb prince costume to pair with her “Pink Princess” costume he has a “business thing.”

Also, Kameron, using her stupid baby voice and pouty duck face and her daughter convinces her husband to allow her to pitch her stupid pink dog food business idea to him because we are still talking about this nonsense somehow.

Over in D’Andra’s world, she decides her 21-year-old college dropout stepson, Keatin with an I, needs a job, and that job should be putting all of her old single-use ballgowns and purses and shoes on eBay. I’m sure this will go smoothly and end with Keatin with an I discovering a sense of purpose and self-worth and inspire him to go finish his education or start a new career.

Later, Keatin with an I and D’Andra head into her closet where she pulls out some Oscar de la Renta gowns and explains that this one cost $3,000, and this one cost $18,000, but she can’t wear them again since she wore them this one time, so he needs to be sure to research how much the dresses cost before just slapping them up on the internet. Keatin with an I is as disgusted as anyone.

Elsewhere, Brandi and Leeanne meet for lunch and discuss the fact that they have both been invited to Stephanie’s Halloween party despite currently being in a feud with her, demonstrating, Leeanne declares, just how two-faced Stephanie really is. Yes. How dares she be polite and invite Brandi and Leeanne to a party that I am certain she is contractually obligated to.

Brandi then reveals to Leeanne that she has invited Stephanie over to her house the next day to talk about why she is SO MAD at her, and Leeanne becomes instantaneously jealous, worried that this will “interrupt” her relationship with Brandi.

So, the big Brandi/Stephanie summit. Everyone is superanxious and tense, but Brandi starts the conversation, explaining that she was SO MAD with Stephanie when she refused to hang out on Father’s Day. Since they weren’t filming then, I have no idea what this means. Stephanie explains that the state of their relationship — which she still doesn’t understand where it went sideways — left her so depressed that she was barely able to get out of bed. So does Brandi want to tell her what the hell happened or WHAT?

And that’s when Brandi reveals that she was SO MAD at a Bravo blog post of Stephanie’s in which she described Brandi’s marriage as a car crash. And, again, we all saw what Stephanie was talking about, it was filmed for a national television show and not exactly a secret and, by the way, it was like a slow-moving car crash. But also, too, I read that post, and a good part of it was Stephanie worrying that she and her husband might have contributed in the tensions between Brandi and her awful husband, it was actually very heartfelt and not mocking of Brandi’s relationship.

Brandi is also SO MAD because when the story broke that her kids had been kicked out of their Christian school thanks to their mother’s Jesus Juice antics — which, you know what? fuck that school anyway — Stephanie took a call from a reporter and confirmed that it was true. And Stephanie is like, “Yeah, I can see why that might have upset you. Whoops? Sorry?”

And then everyone cries and cries and Brandi reveals that she had a miscarriage over the summer and Stephanie is all, “HOLY SHIT WHAT?” but Brandi doesn’t really want to talk about it or the fact that she’s not entirely sure if she actually even wants another child with her shitty husband and then they promise to never have another fight like this again, amen.

tituss make sign of cross pray good luck

More hilariously, Leeanne goes to her therapist where she announces that she is not only going to attend Stephanie’s Halloween party but that she is going to go as Stephanie herself, “Two-Face.” The therapist is all, “Oh my God, please don’t do that, that is a terrible terrible idea.” And Leeanne is like, “But it’s going to be so cute!” And the therapist is all, “No, no it won’t be. This won’t end well. Promise me you won’t go through with this.” And Leeanne is like, “Yeah, no can do, lady.”

The party happens, and Cary, always looking for an opportunity to be naked, arrives in nothing but tiger body paint and a scarf to cover her nipples. You know, for modesty.

cary tiger halloween costume.gif

Dr. Husband is dressed as a lion tamer which is an … interesting interpretation of “Bad Romance.”

In fact, the only couple who seemed to pay attention to the theme of the party is D’Andra and her husband, who come as Monica Lewinsky and Bill Clinton. Kameron is a solo pink princess, Brandi and Bryan show up as skeletons, Stephanie and Whatshisface are … I don’t even know what, like a Halloween lady and a half-assed zombie? I literally have no idea what their costumes are. And Leeanne, as noted earlier, is Stephanie as Two-Face, which she explains to anyone who will stand still long enough to listen.

For the most part, the party is pretty boring. There is a moment when the group discusses pageants, and Kameron jokes that her talents are spinning in a gown or shopping. Brandi, who obviously OBVIOUSLY is a pageant girl in a previous life, sneers that they’d have to find Kameron a pageant without a talent category, which Kameron takes offense to, even though she was just joking about not having any discernable talent. Kameron, in an interview — and not to Brandi’s face, because obviously — goes on to say that Brandi’s only talents are her potty mouth and gymnastics at the strip club. Hey, don’t knock a talented potty mouth, lady.

Eventually, Whatshisbutt informs Stephanie that Leeanne is going around telling people she’s dressed as her, and he’s ready to kick her out of the party, but Stephanie is like, “Don’t do that, that’s exactly what she wants.” Instead, Stephanie confronts Leeanne, saying that she’s confused: hasn’t she always been nice to Leeanne? Leeanne insists that she is to her face, but then Stephanie talks shit about her behind her back, hence “Two-Face.” But before things can become too heated, Brandi says that these two should have this conversation privately because IT IS SO AWKWARD FOR EVERYONE ELSE, THANKS.

Brandi and Leeanne step outside where Leeanne explains that it broke her heart to see Brandi so upset by Stephanie, and she just is trying to protect her, and Brandi is like, “I got this, thanks.”

Meanwhile inside, D’Andra and Kameron, who are trying to figure out what the hell is going on are like, “Wait, Leeanne dressed up as YOU to your own Halloween party in your own HOUSE?” to Stephanie who just sighs heavily because that’s our Leeanne.

rude 30 rock baby

The Real Housewives of Dallas returns on Bravo on August 15, 2018. There is no way I catch up before then, God dammit.

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