‘The Real Housewives of New Jersey’: Wait, how long have we been doing this?

The Real Housewives of New Jersey
“Prisons, Proposals, and Parties”
January 10, 2017

To prepare for her big disco party, Margaret, Senior and Danielle swing by the tailor’s to pick up Margaret’s dress which resembles a bridal gown more than anything related to disco, and which doesn’t fit her. The tailor makes adjustments, the dress fits her, the end.

Meanwhile, Siggy is also clothes shopping, but for her son Josh who needs a tux for the prom. It’s here that he decides to tell his mother that he will be going to Penn State for college, and will therefore only be three and a half hours away.

Oh, Joshua, honey, no. Penn State is a good school, but couldn’t you have found someplace that would have wedged the TSA between you and your mother to at least slow her down a little?

As for Teresa, her famiglia throws her surprise festa to show her that she is appreciated. Over meatballs, Teresa admits to Folletto that she hasn’t seen Meatball since before their madre died, which Folletto claims was some seven months ago.

Which … wait … what? I’m very confused by the timeline here: Mama Gorga died in March of last year, Margaret’s birthday was in early April, and Joshua is going to prom which coincides with a spring date … wait, how much time has passed on this season? A month? A year? I AM VERY CONFUSED.

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Dolores, Quadricep and Quadricep Jr. go bowling. That’s it. They bowl.

WHY? WHY ARE WE DOING THIS? THAT IS FOUR MINUTES OF MY LIFE THAT I WILL NEVER GET BACK, BRAVO.

Margaret’s house which has been in a state of disrepair since the beginning of the season is still in a state of disrepair now two days ahead of her party. (Which, to be fair to Other Joe, maybe that’s because it’s only been four weeks since the beginning of the season — but then to be hard on Other Joe, OR MAYBE IT’S BEEN A YEAR. WHO KNOWS.) Margaret’s interior designer swings by with some ideas for the living-ballroom but it’s all moot because none of these changes are not going to happen before the end of the season which is in about 35 minutes.

Also, I noticed that in this and the earlier exchange between Margaret and this interior designer, Margaret warns her as they step into her ball-living room to be careful, and not break her “cankle.” So Margaret is either exceptionally rude to her interior designer or Margaret thinks that is what an ankle is called.

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Elsewhere, Teresa takes Mortadella and Baccala to Meatball prison to visit Meatball (the Elusive Sfogliatelle had soccer games and Gabagool couldn’t be bothered), and Teresa is big talk on the drive down about how she is going to finally tell Meatball just how angry she is with him for the time she lost with her famiglia, especially her madre.

However, when she is driving home, she admits that the moment she saw him, all the courage she had built up to confront him melted away.

So it’s very confusing when, while shopping for a birthday present for Margaret with Folletto and Melissa, Teresa tells them that she did confront Meatball, and then launches into this long story about how he protested that he has apologized in letters, but she wanted to hear it from him in person and so he did and there was crying and there was hugging and now all of that has been taken care of.

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Josh goes to prom.

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Finally, Margaret’s disco party. Because the house is still in a state of disrepair, Margaret has her party planner put down a temporary dance floor, throw up a bunch of the same pictures of her face to cover up the holes in the wall and cover the front yard with disco balls and one of those yard lights that projects LEDs onto the house. Ta-da! Studio 54!

As everyone gets dressed, Dolores calls Dr. Boyfriend to see if he’ll be joining her that evening, and surprise! doesn’t get through to him because he doesn’t exist but she just shrugs and says that Quadricep will fill the void.

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Party party party, and everyone arrives except for Siggy, and Margaret makes her “grand entrance” which involves her astride a giant plastic horse which is pushed down a sidewalk five feet by a bunch of male go-go dancers. I literally do not know.

Soon after Margaret’s teary speech thanking friends old and new, she is informed by someone at the party that they know Siggy’s whereabouts: she’s in the hospital. The news quickly spreads when Siggy texts everyone but Margaret that she fell and sprained her ankle. Danielle, for one, isn’t buying it, calling it another deflection on Siggy’s part. In return, Dolores calls Danielle “a slob.” Which: points for creativity! “Slob” is not an insult that gets bandied about much — if ever! —  on these shows, so well done, Dolores, even if it doesn’t exactly make sense.

Meanwhile, Folletto and Melissa decide that Siggy is just playing a Get-Out-of-Margaret’s-Party-and-Avoid-Being-Called-Out-for-Her-Bullshit card, to which they raise their glasses, because, well played, Siggy!

Except: that’s when Siggy, wrapped up in a sling and a boot, arrives at the party to prove to these bitches that she really did get hurt. Turns out, as she leaving for the party, she fell down 18 stairs, spraining her ankle and suffering a contusion on her arm. BUT THAT’S NOT GOING TO STOP HER FROM SHOVING IT IN DANIELLE’S FACE, DANIELLE.

And so she hobbles into the party, and everyone is like, “Well, look at you!” Melissa admits that she thought Siggy might have thrown herself down the stairs to avoid the party but Siggy reminds her that she loves herself too much to hurt herself that way, and Melissa is like, “good point.”

Margaret admits that she is shocked that Siggy is there, but is happy she made it, to which Siggy explains she’s only at the party to be with Dolores, Melissa and Teresa, not because she actually wants to celebrate Margaret.

“Alright,” Margaret sighs, “Then just fucking leave, who needs this.”

With that, Siggy hobbles out of the party, with Dolores and Teresa — for some reason — in tow.

And that’s how we end the season?

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That’s how we end the season. I guess.

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Teresa’s loving joe’s new hot bod. He’s been transferred to a new prison and she can’t wait to see him … once she’s approved for visitation.
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Dolores is enjoying visiting Frankie at Sacred Heart and hanging with his new girlfriend. She hopes they can double date with her and David … if David is ever available.
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Siggy has cut back on work to spend more time with Michael. Now she also has more time to visit Joshua at college … And the freedom to do his laundry every time she stops by.
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Melissa’s sales have skyrocketed since her trip to Milan. Envy is keeping her busier than ever… she’s thankful Gorga’s Restaurant delivers.
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Margaret’s home renovation is stalled … Joe and Marge Sr. want to keep the party decorations up forever. Margaret is finally considering bringing in an outside contractor.

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The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Wednesdays on Bravo at 8/9 CST.

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