‘The Real Housewives of New York City’: Breaking the Girl Code

The Real Housewives of New York
“Every Mayflower has its Thorn”
June 20, 2018

We begin the episode with The Countess safely ensconced in her new apartment, entertaining Dorinda. There they discuss how they are going to spend the rest of the episode: at the Grace Mayflower Hotel and Spa in Connecticut with the other women, receiving body scrubs and bickering.

Dorinda and The Countess also discuss the most Ramona story that has ever Ramona’d:

countess rhony real housewives new york please don't let it be about tombethenny it's about tom rhony real housewives of new york

According to “the grapevine,” over the holidays, Ramona called Tom the Cheater angling to receive an invitation to the New Year’s Eve party he was throwing (which of course is the anniversary of his wedding to The Countess) on The Yacht (where he and The Countess held their engagement party). I’m fairly sure Ramona’s behavior is in direct violation of Girl Code, Section 130-4-b, as does Dorinda who calls her a “Real Slob Kabob.”

And then, off to the Mayflower. Bethenny and Sonja ride to Connecticut together; Princess Carole, Tinsley, and Ramona ride together; and The Countess and Dorinda ride together ahead of everyone else so that The Countess will have first pick of rooms. FAIR.

On the ride, The Countess shares with Dorinda (and us) what, exactly, happened that led to her drunkenly wrestling with police officers in the back of a patrol car. The Countess did not go straight to Jupiter, Florida to spend the holidays with her brother as she insisted, but instead went to stay with her friend Jill, who, it so happens, lives in Palm Springs, the same city as Tom the Cheater considers his second home, go figure. The Countess was driven insane by Jill’s cats and decided to move to a hotel — the same hotel where she and Tom the Cheater hosted a post-wedding brunch, GO FIGURE.

At the hotel where she clearly hoped to run into Tom the Cheater, The Countess met an old “friend,” The Polo Player, and the two got sloshed listening to some jazz singer. The Countess and The Polo Player decided to take their party up to her room …

stephen colbert sex fingers angry

… but because they were both drunk, they got off the elevator on the fourth floor, instead of the third floor where The Countess’ room actually was. There, they shoved their way into a random room that was being turned down for the night by a maid. The maid called security, and after her initial strategy of hiding in the bathroom failed, the next thing you know The Countess is screaming at the police to UNHAND HER IMMEDIATELY, and being driven to drunk lady jail.

Meanwhile, I think we can all agree that the real crime committed here is Dorinda’s hat.

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In jail, The Countess wasn’t given a blanket, no water, just a baloney sandwich — AS IF SHE HAS EATEN BALONEY IN 40 YEARS — which delivered The Countess her official rock bottom: she bit into the sandwich only to find a mustard packet dangling out of her mouth “like a dead fish.”

i feel like a fucking idiot arrested development tobias blue man

And that’s when The Countess decided she needed to go to rehab.

Dorinda reminds The Countess that at least she had resources — just think of the people who get stuck in the system, but The Countess isn’t quite prepared to stop feeling sorry for herself, THEY PUT SHACKLES ON HER ANKLES, DORINDA. (Maybe because she made a break for it the last time she was merely handcuffed, but whatever, yes, The Countess is another victim of the System.)

Dorinda and The Countess soon arrive at the Mayflower, where they are greeted with a bucket of wine, NOTTHATITBOTHERSTHECOUNTESSSHESJUSTFINEANDCANTOTALLYHANDLEIT. Dorinda also encourages her to take her pick of the rooms before those assholes Ramonja show up, but The Countess seems less interested in that and keeps sighing exasperatedly that she’s just here for a break from the outside world.

Bethenny and Sonja arrive next, Bethenny armed with spa gift bags for some reason. We don’t go through the whole story again, but The Countess does talk about her experience being a “lesson in humility” and Dorinda agrees, insisting that the whole mess has encouraged her to drink less.

Bethenny:

bethenny-okay-alright-rhony-resigned

While Sonja just hugs The Countess, and “stares into [her] soul,” (no thank you a thousand times), Bethenny begins yelling about needing to choose rooms. Dorinda tuts that they should wait for the other women, as if she’s never been on a trip with Ramona before, but Bethenny who has seen this show multiple times is like, “FUCK THAT NOISE RIGHT IN THE FACE,” and chooses a bedroom before Ramona can bully her way into the situation.

Bethenny agrees to share a room with Sonja, who, as they are unpacking, reveals that Tom the Cheater actually did invite her to The Yacht party. Sonja is careful to clarify that Tom the Cheater did not invite Ramona, adding that it doesn’t surprise her that Ramona tried to finagle an invite because Ramona wouldn’t “miss the opening of an envelope.”

truth glee

Speaking of Ramona, she, Her Royal Highness, and Tinsley finally arrive, and Ramona immediately runs to The Countess, insisting that The Countess take the best room because they are going to treat her LIKE A PRINCESS ALL WEEKEND LONG. “Yeah, great, thanks,” says The Countess. “Say, how was YOUR holiday?” The Countess asks knowing perfectly well that Ramona spent the week between Christmas and New Year’s begging her ex-husband for an invite to his party. Ramona burbles about hosting Christmas dinner in her apartment in the City, before heading down to Jupiter, Florida for New Year’s … and then leaves it at that.

The Countess:

angry marie laveau ahs

Then The Countess tells her arrest story once more, adding that she’s waiting to hear whether or not her three felony counts might be knocked down to misdemeanors, and Tinsley is all, “yeah, good luck with that.” Tinsley then adds in an interview that the real victim of The Countess’s arrest is her, as it pushed her own mugshot back up to the top of the Google images algorithm.

30 rock liz lemon tina fey cry tears fake

Then, as they are getting ready to go out to dinner, Ramona has the gall to go into The Countess’ room and yammer at her about the importance of girlfriends and friendship and The Countess, acutely aware that she is out on bail, chooses to not slap a bitch.

The group arrives at the restaurant where they 1. all order wine, except for The Countess and Sonja and 2. Ramona demands the waiter take a group picture — both of which will become a whole thing later. The conversation turns to the correlation between fingernail length and the amount of sex one is having — which is just science — before moving on to sex playlists, not that Bethenny is into “blowjob ballads or cunnilingus calypso.”

As the food arrives, Bethenny reveals to The Countess that Sonja had been invited to Tom the Cheater’s The Yacht party — by both an actual mailed invitation and an email — but did not go because she’s not a shitty friend. The Countess is all, “O RLY? BECAUSE I ALSO HEARD THAT RAMONA CALLED TOM THE CHEATER TRYING TO GET INVITED. RAMONA? WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF?”

Ramona shrugs that first of all, she texted Tom the Cheater, she didn’t call him, and second of all, it was her friend Lori who wanted to go to The Yacht party, Ramona was just being a good friend and trying to make that happen.

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That’s correct: Ramona’s excuse for being the shittiest friend to The Countess was that she was being a good friend to someone named Lori, and she doesn’t have any idea why anyone is upset with her. In fact, if we’re going to start pointing fingers, let’s all remember that The Countess is the one who didn’t invite Ramona to her wedding.

bethenny oh my god rhony exasperated

And everyone is like, “OH MY GOD JUST APOLOGIZE FOR BEING AN ASSHOLE, RAMONA.” So Ramona gives one of her fake apologies, before “joking” that she’s throwing a party next week and heads up, she’s invited Tom the Cheater. And for a beat there, everyone is like, “No, but for real?” Because, honestly, no one would put it past her.

Everyone returns to the hotel, where Bethenny and Sonja play with face masks, and in another room, Princess Carole and Dorinda are all, “REALLY NOT COOL, RAMONA,” at Ramona who just shrugs in response.

The next morning, Dorinda visits with The Countess in her room for some coffee, where The Countess says that she’s not angry at Ramona for trying to score an invite to Tom the Cheater’s Yacht Party, she pities Ramona for being so sad as to try to score an invite to Tom the Cheater’s Yacht Party. It’s pathetic, really. AND OH MY GOD AM I SUDDENLY TEAM COUNTESS? I NEED TO GO HAVE A LIE-DOWN.

Then everyone else comes into The Countess’ room, and Ramona compliments whatever trashy lingerie Sonja is wearing, and someone else compliments her shoes which are apparently from her new shoe line and which, she proudly explains, features the deer from her “family crest.” Dorinda protests that it’s the Morgan family crest, not Sonja’s family crest and that she personally would feel like an idiot if she went around wearing Ralph’s family tartan.

A quick reminder: Dorinda was married to a guy named Ralph before she was married to her dead husband Richard. Ralph is her daughter’s father and is mentioned so infrequently on this series that I completely forgot that he existed until I did a quick Google search. But it also serves as a helpful reminder that in this dumb fight she’s having with Sonja over whether divorce and death are comparable, DORINDA IS THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS GONE THROUGH BOTH AND MIGHT HAVE AN INFORMED OPINION.

Bethenny points out that Dorinda goes around using Richard’s name and has it monogrammed on her things: how is that any different than Sonja using the Morgan name? But Dorinda protests that it’s different because Sonja is divorced from Mr. Morgan. And that’s when The Countess orders everyone out of her room so she can get ready for the gym and also too because shut up.

Later, The Countess emerges from her room PISSED, having fielded calls from her publicist informing her that Ramona has posted a picture of the group at dinner on social media. Which is NOT GREAT because 1. it revealed to everyone including the press that The Countess was out of rehab, but more importantly 2. showed The Countess at a table with glasses of wine all around her just weeks after a judge — who is still deciding whether or not to reduce her charges to misdemeanors — warned her to get her drinking under control. SO, YEAH, RAMONA, YOU’RE NOT EXACTLY BEING HELPFUL.

But Ramona, being Ramona, doesn’t have the foggiest idea why everyone is upset with her. It’s a pretty picture of everyone! Be cool! Don’t be all uncool!

The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo on Wednesdays at 8/9 p.m.

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