The Real Housewives of New York
“You Broke the Penal Code”
June 6, 2018
If I had my druthers, this episode would just be one long loop of the video of The Countess being arrested, because that shit is HILARIOUS.
Instead, we begin the episode with all the other ladies talking amongst themselves about The Countess being arrested because, seriously: hilarious.
Dorinda — who has broken her foot by dropping a salt shaker on it — meets Ramona in a car to go … well, I don’t know where, we actually never find out? But on their ride to nowhere, they discuss the fact that The Countess is currently in rehab, how The Countess was self-medicating with alcohol since the divorce, and that it was madness that The Countess went to Palm Beach over the holidays, WHAT DID SHE THINK WAS GOING TO HAPPEN?
They also briefly mention that Bethenny is having a Skinny Girl jeans party, NOT THAT RAMONA IS GOING TO GO BECAUSE HOW DARE BETHENNY MAKE FUN OF HER ANTI-AGING SKIN CARE LINE? HOW DARE SHE.
Elsewhere, Tinsley and Princess Carole catch up over the phone because Her Royal Californianess is still on vacation in Los Angeles. Tinsley reports that her holiday with that Scott boy went well, before they get to what everyone wants to talk about: The Countess. Princess Carole had assumed it was a simple DUI, but then she Googled the incident and learned that it was a … little more complicated and considerably more hilarious than that.
Her Highness, having learned from the divorce text message debacle, made sure she sent The Countess an email of support, while Tinsley — who happened to be only a few blocks away from the arrest when it went down — invited The Countess over for a drink if she wanted to talk about it.
Princess Reporter says that she has many many questions, mostly about how Countess Houdini was able to slip her handcuffs. Tinsley agrees, adding that having spent some time in the Palm Beach Police Department’s handcuffs herself, she’s unclear how The Countess managed to (briefly) escape. And, yes, The Countess went to the same jail Tinsley was taken to. JAIL TWINSIES!
As for Bethenny’s Skiny Girl jeans party, Her Royal Highness will not be attending because she will be flying back to New York at that time and also because she doesn’t want to.
Bethenny somehow has no one to talk about The Countess with but her driver, Kevin, who honestly could not care less about what nonsense some drunk rich white lady got herself into.
Elsewhere, Sonja prepares to move out of her townhouse which is under some minor construction, and go terrotize Tinsley for a while. To do so, Sonja grabs a handful of unpaid bills, searches for her lost “day pills,” checks the contents of her wallet ($3) and sniffs her underwear, pairs of which are scattered over the bed because Sonja is the most Sonja.
But I know why you’re really here: “TELL ME ALL ABOUT RAMONA’S ANTI-AGING SKIN CARE LINE! WE CAN NOT WAIT ONE SECOND MORE WITHOUT HEARING ABOUT RAMONA’S ANTI-AGING SKIN CARE LINE!” Well, good news, kids: Ramona is working with some lab in New Jersey, and they’ve made some sort of serum for her and this dermatologist lady Ramona has paid to give her imprimatur approves of it. “WHAT A GREAT STORYLINE, I WISH THE ENTIRE HOUR WERE DEVOTED TO JUST THIS!” I can hear you say through my computer. And I know, friend, I know. I feel the same way.
Unfortunately, we have to abandon this particular bit of product placement in favor of a completely different bit of product placement: Bethenny’s Skinny Girl jeans party. On the way to the party, Bethenny admits that she feels “unsettled.” Bethenny explains she sent a picture of herself and Princess Carole to Her Royal Ex-Friendness, with the note, “Miss you, you seem cold,” and Her Caroleness responded, “Wow, that’s a lot.” Bethenny is also aware that Dorinda is pissed at her for not thanking her effusively enough for the nutcracker, and is worried about seeing her for the first time since that dumb fiasco.
But her party goes fine: Tinsley reveals that she did not come back from her trip with Scott with an engagement ring; Sonja claims that she is newly vegan before wrecking damage on the party’s raw bar; and Bethenny and Dorinda hash out the whole nutcracker mess.
Dorinda explains that she was hurt that Bethenny didn’t give her enough credit in front of all the other women (because that is the measure of gratitude is if other people know how grateful you are), and Bethenny is like, “YEAH BUT THAT DINNER IN MIAMI BEFORE WE WENT TO PUERTO RICO.” Which is not really fair? Bethenny also reveals that Ramona told her that Dorinda was pissed with her over the nutcracker thing, which gives Dorinda someone other than Bethenny to be irritted with, and she and Bethenny agree to never talk about the stupid nutcracker non-fight ever again.
The women also chat about The Countess’ arrest, and agree that what happened was The Countess was so desperate to be seen in Palm Beach and show everyone — including Tom the Cheater and his newest
victim girlfriend — that she is doing JUST FINE without him. To do so, she went to the very hotel where she had her wedding brunch, drank all of their vodka and became the beligerent escape artist we all saw in that video. BUT HOW ABOUT THAT ESCAPE?
Also, Sonja contemplates sleeping with one of Bethenny’s fake waiters, but rejects the idea because he’s too old at 26. I am not making up any part of that sentence.
The next day, a hungover Bethenny meets Princess Carole for bloody marys and to talk things out without the assitance of Dorinda screaming at them to “MAKE IT OK.” After gossiping a bit about The Countess, the two women get down to business.
We once again discuss whether or not Bethenny told Her Royale Highness about asking the Count of Cherry Tomatoes to come to Houston and Puerto Rico because OH MY GOD WE JUST CAN’T BICKER ABOUT THAT ENOUGH.
But it does lead us to touch on what one of the raw nerves between them might be: when Bethenny called Princess Carole to tell her that Earl of Mint was an “operator,” she did so believing that Her Royal Highness and the Duke of Feta were broken up. They weren’t. They were only broken-up-ish. And so at root of all of there problems is that thing where your best friend breaks up with her boyfriend that you never liked, and you tell her all of the terrible things you’ve ever thought about him, only to have her get back together with him. It’s always a mistake. Never tell your friend what you really thought of him –take it from someone who did just that, only to have her friend marry the guy.
Bethenny also whines about Princess Carole’s “Wow, that’s a lot” response to her text saying that she missed her (and also that Her Highness “seemed cold,”) and Her Princessness explains that this is an abrreviated version of what actually happened. In reality, Bethenny sent that text, Princess Carole responded that she wanted to wait to talk to Bethenny in person, but instead of respecting that, Bethenny sent a barrage of messages complaining about Ramona and Dorinda and the nutcracker and tattling on Bethenny for saying that Princess Carole seemed “sad” and “lonely” and so, yeah, wow, Her Highness is right: that’s a lot.
The two then begin bickering about the way in which they are fighting, until Bethenny can’t take it anymore and demands that they hug it out and Her Royal NO TOUCHING!ness agrees just to make all of this stop.
And call me a cynic, but I don’t think this is over yet.
Over on the Upper East Side, Sonja arrives at Tinsley’s hotel room for her
revenge two-night stay. There Tinsley explains the rules: there are no rules. Sonja must take the elevator; she can have whomever she wants over — in fact, the more the merrier; and the doormen are at her disposal.
But then, proving both that Tinsley is smarter than she looks and that any amount of money can make any problem go away, Tinsley shows Sonja where she will actually be staying: not in Tinsley’s one bedroom apartment, but in the penthouse upstairs where Sonja will have all the privacy she needs for her panty-sniffing hobby.
Additionally, Tinsley gives Sonja a Louis Vutton overnight bag packed with all sorts of silly goodies, and Sonja is THRILLED but also simultaneously not even secretly disappointed that she doesn’t get to demand Tinsley watch her rehearse her caburlesque show before kicking Tinsley out of her own bed. It’s all very unfair.
Finally, Dorinda takes a walk in Central Park where she fields a phone call from our sixth and currently missing Housewife, one Countess Luann deLesseps. From rehab, The Countess tries to explain that she really believed she could handle being in Jupiter, but that she found herself going to the same places she an Tom the Cheater had haunted, and the next thing she knows, she’s threatening to kill a number of police officers. You know, like you do.
But good news! She’s taking care of herself and 21 days in a fancy rehab should absolutely heal all the wounds that led her to marry an obvious grifter after only a handful of months and against all advice just to PROVE A GODDAMN POINT.
Then Dorinda jokes that rehab sounds fabulous and maybe she should join her. Oh, baby girl, that time is coming.
The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo on Wednesdays at 8/9 p.m.