The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
March 13, 2018
As you well know, I abandoned The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills some time ago for a slew of reasons, not the least of which because I was trying to catch up with The Real Housewives of New York and The Walking Dead. But hey! I’m back! And I am determined as hell to catch up with Beverly Hills before the last reunion! This means that I’ll have to put The Real Housewives of New York and Fear the Walking Dead on the back burners, thereby continuing the vicious cycle, BUT WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO.
OOH, WELL THIS IS INTERESTING. Instead of beginning this episode with a “last time on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills,” or the title sequences we are just thrust into the episode in media res, with the women all meeting for what appears to be dinner. As Dorit and Teddi walk in, one of the women asks Dorit if she’s OK and Dorit hisses at Teddi, “DO YOU WANT TO FILL THEM IN?”
YEAH, TEDDI, DO YOU?
And you KNOW this is going to be Serious Business because we travel back in time FIVE DAYS (as the caption informs us).
ACTUALLY, WAIT. Before we get to the more interesting parts, let’s just get this whole Kyle Buys a New House storyline out of the way: Kyle and Mauricio — who it should be noted are completely renovating their current house — go look at a house on the market to get some inspiration for their own remodel or something, and decide they’d rather buy this new house than live in their old house and they buy it for $8+ million, the end.
Alright, so FIVE DAYS before the dinner where Dorit invites Teddi to GO AHEAD AND SAY SOMETHING, Erika, Rinna, and Eileen met for drinks at the Avalon Hotel (fun fact: Marilyn Monroe lived there, apparently). We catch up on news about Eileen’s son and stepsons, who were never much a part of the show when she was on it but yes, let’s definitely spend ten minutes talking about these strangers.
Eileen then asks how everyone is getting along with Dorit, and to both of their surprise, Erika and Rinna have to admit that things are really good. They are just as shocked at this development as Eileen must be, but honestly, things are great, and they are sure they will stay that way forever and ever, amen.
Elsewhere, Teddi and Rinna meet up for pedicures
and to stir up shit. Rinna tells Teddi that she had dinner with Dorit some TWO DAYS EARLIER, and she explains that she felt really good about it because no one accused anyone of doing cocaine or having mental health issues. Or at least no one did so far as we know since the editors chose not to show us much of the dinner at all.
“Yeah, about that,” says Teddi, before telling Rinna about the dinner she and Jawline had at Dorit and PK’s house following their Las Vegas trip, where PK started singing that old standby, “I Am Not a Psychiatrist, but I Am Certain Lisa Rinna is a Schizophrenic.” Rinna is surprised, but not terribly upset to hear this, and is like, “Listen, this is nothing compared to some of the bullshit I’ve been through with these assholes, honestly.” Rinna then invites Teddi to meet her and the other women for drinks that weekend
so that everyone can yell at Teddi.
Elsewhere, Erika has a photo shoot for her book cover.
PK and Dorit have a swimsuit meeting with some swimsuit people at a swimsuit place.
Later, Erika hosts Dorit where they drink champagne out of actual champagne flutes, and Dorit can barely hide her surprise that Erika’s house isn’t just a giant S&M dungeon and that Erika didn’t greet her in a latex catsuit. They chat about Erika’s book, and about Dorit’s swimwear line but as we have already established, I DON’T CARE.
They eventually move on to talk about how Vanderpump seems to VanderLove Teddi and how Dorit is jealous of their relationship and needy of Vanderpump’s attention …
… and when Dorit announces things are fine between herself and Vanderpump, Erika warns her that Vanderpump isn’t done VanderPunishing her yet because that is the damn truth right there. Erika then laughs at the irony of the fact that Dorit is having issues with everyone but her. “And Rinna,” Dorit adds because foreshadowing.
Meanwhile, Lisa Vanderpump and Teddi also meet for drinks where they laugh and laugh at giving Dorit the wrong glass because that shit never gets old. Teddi also tells Vanderpump that she needs to have a conversation with Dorit alone regarding what happened in New York, because it’s just not helpful to have other people chime in with their opinions.
So Teddi, bless her heart, calls Dorit and asks if they can talk before they meet the other ladies for drinks, and because Los Angeles is a sprawling mess, they decide they can take that time together on the ride to the restaurant. There, Teddi reminds Dorit of all the shitty things she and PK said about Rinna that night they had dinner and then explains that she felt obligated to tell Rinna about it while they were getting pedicures. “OH, YOU FELT YOU HAD TO DREDGE UP A CONVERSATION WE HAD THREE MONTHS AGO TO STIR UP SOME SHIT BETWEEN ME AND RINNA JUST AS SAID SHIT HAD FINALLY SETTLED DOWN? COOL COOL COOL,” says Dorit.
Fast forward to an hour later, as the women are all arriving at the restaurant and making small talk about shoes and Kyle’s new house and how Kyle has to leave early because Hamilton tickets and Lisa Rinna’s mom and Camille’s “gag gift” but not about how they all clearly planned to wear all black to this get together for some reason. And that’s when Teddi and Dorit arrive and Dorit is all, “WELL GO AHEAD AND TELL EVERYONE WHAT A HUGE BITCH YOU ARE. I’M WAITING.”
After the situation is explained, Rinna agrees with Dorit that it’s strange that Teddi sat on this story for so long, before reminding everyone that because it has been so long, she honestly does not give a shit. But Teddi continues to dig herself into something of a hole, claiming that it was part of a pattern with Dorit and not just a one-time thing — which is true! and Dorit is an asshole! but this line of argument doesn’t do her any favors, as even her new best VanderFriend has to concede in an interview.
Teddi points out that Dorit is mad at her for being honest about something Dorit said, and that maybe, possibly, perhaps if she doesn’t want to find herself in this situation over and over again, she should stop talking shit about her friends. Dorit protests that as far as New York is concerned, neither Rinna nor Erika thought that anything she said about Vanderpump bashed her, to which Camille points out that no one said that Dorit “bashed” Lisa Vanderpump.
But then Teddi points to Erika and notes that Erika agreed that if someone had said about her what Dorit said about Lisa Vanderpump, it would have hurt her feelings. Which she did! And it was on camera!
Erika shrugs that maybe she did, maybe she didn’t, to which Teddi accuses her of “pretending to have full-on amnesia.”
Erika takes this poorly and lapses into that dangerous and terrifying AGGRO JAYNE place. “DON’T EVER SAY I WAS PRETENDING I AM NEVER PRETENDING DON’T EVER EVER DO THAT TO ME. EVER.” Teddi tries to apologize but Erika is still in that place, “YOU ARE CALLING ME A LIAR AND SAYING I CHANGED MY STORY FOR CONVENIENCE. DON’T FUCK WITH ME LIKE THAT.”
At this point, Vanderpump, VanderNervous that Erika might flip a table, urges everyone to go home. As they stand to leave, Teddi begins to become tearful, and Dorit, trying to comfort Teddi explains to her that she has to stop crying immediately — Dorit’s the only one who gets to be upset here — because even when she’s trying to be nice, DORIT IS AN ASSHOLE.
Teddi begins crying harder and Vanderpump follows her to her car, where Teddi cries about how MEAN Erika was with her. Meanwhile, Rinna supposes that Erika will apologize to Teddi eventually, while in an interview Erika explains that she is never going to apologize, SO DON’T BOTHER EVEN ASKING, before calling Teddi, “Ms. Crybaby.”
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo on Tuesdays at 8/9 p.m.