‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’: Heaven Can Call Wait

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“Heaven Knows”
March 20, 2018

Teddi, bless her heart, begins this episode trying to do the right thing, and calls Dorit to apologize for tattling to Rinna on her, and explaining that she wanted to apologize on the phone instead of in person in front of all the other ladies because OBVIOUS REASONS ARE OBVIOUS. Dorit sniffs that she should apologize in person for trying to sully her reputation, but ultimately, and begrudgingly accepts it. Teddi sighs that she hopes that they can just be OK and done now.

Teddi later meets Kyle to rehash what happened to her after Kyle left to go see Hamilton, describing Erika’s personality change as being like an alien took over her body, and Kyle’s is like, “Oh, so she Hong Konged you.” And then Lisa Vanderpump calls sobbing to explain that Pink Dog — which was actually her dog’s name, “Pink Dog” — that Pink Dog dropped dead of an unexpected heart attack and she and Grandpa Ken are VanderDevastated.

Later in the episode, we pay a quick visit to PINK HOUSE where Lisa and Grandpa Ken are wandering around the grounds, weeping and beating their chests that they should have done SOMETHING MORE FOR PINK DOG. As a dog owner I simultaneously: 1. completely sympathize with their grief, 2. wish we weren’t being quite so intrusive while I also 3. think this is all a bit much over the loss of one of their 79 dogs.

R.I.P. Pink Dog. I would never have been able to pick you out from all the others.

Elsewhere, Erika is a speaker at something called “Girl Cult” which is a feminism festival that she describes as part TED Talks, part Coachella. But with waaaaaaaay less Beyoncé. There, Erika says a bunch of stuff about women empowering women and lifting each other up and supporting each other and being one’s own best advocate and staying out of drama. OK.

Meanwhile, Lisa Rinna’s mother Lois comes for a visit, and while Lisa Rinna’s mother Lois seems like a fun gal and all around nice lady, I am not sure why we spend so much time on Lisa Rinna’s mother Lois. Just stating what you’re thinking.

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LOIS! TONIGHT! #RHOBH 💎♥️💃🏻👑⭐️

A post shared by Lisa Rinna (@lisarinna) on

(So … wait … this is an Instagram video from the show of Lisa Rinna taking an Instagram video of her mother Lois?)

All of the ladies who are not currently mourning a Pomeranian or spouting off well-worn feminist cliches meet Lisa Rinna and Lisa Rinna’s mother Lois for brunch where all the ladies order veggie burgers and tuna salads and Lisa Rinna’s mother Lois is like, “Fuck that noise, I’m 89-Goddamn-Years-Old, bring me French Toast and all of the alcohol you’ve got.”

Dorit yammers endlessly about her swimwear line and compares it to pregnancy, Kyle announces she’s hosting a seance, Lisa Rinna passes out Lisa Rinna QVC sweaters to everyone who in return smile politely while mentally placing them in their Goodwill piles, Lisa Rinna’s mother Lois reveals that she had wanted to move to New York and be an actress but life came and crushed her dreams so she has to live vicariously through her daughter and granddaughters. And in summation, no one behaves badly or does anything interesting at all.

So, Kyle’s seance, which tragically for our viewing purposes, does not include the psychic stylings of Allison “He Will Never Emotionally Fulfill You” DuBois.

BEST. PSYCHIC. EVER.

Teddi picks Lisa Vanderpump up, where Lisa VanderInforms her that another of her 79 78 dogs, Pikachu? Sure, Pikachu is in the doggie hospital on a ventilator because when it rains it pours dog deaths, apparently. Anyway, Lisa is not VanderInterested in this seance business, thank you very much, unless Pink Dog comes through barking. That can be VanderArranged, Lisa.

Erika and Rinna ride over together, where Rinna gives Erika her Lisa Rinna QVC sweater — and honestly? Of all the women, Erika is DEFINITELY going to wear the shit out of this sweater, I guarantee it. Erika then tells Rinna that she has some business in Berlin, and the producers convinced her to use this trip as the contractually-obligated end-of-the-season “vacation” for the women to take and scream at one another thought it would be fun if all of the ladies came with her. Or, you know, “fun.”

Right, so at Kyle’s house, Rebecca the Psychic arrives, followed by the rest of the cast, and Lisa Vanderpump is consoled immediately by Kyle and Rinna which will be important later, for very dumb reasons.

Kyle explains to the ladies that he first believed in Rebecca the Psychic’s powers after The Curtain Incident, in which she hung some curtains in Baby Portia’s room, and then Rebecca the Psychic told her that Kyle’s dead mother approved of the window treatments in the baby’s room.

Rebecca the Psychic then goes on to explain that she receives “phone calls from Heaven,” and everyone is like, “Oh, that’s a cute metaphor, I guess.” But Rebecca the Psychic is like, “No, I receive literal phone calls from literal dead people. I am bridging the gap between technology and spirituality. Heaven knows my phone number. Also, I call God, ‘Poppa God.'”

But before we get to texts from dead parents, Kyle invites everyone outside for dinner. Lisa Vanderpump stops Erika on the way out to VanderWhine at her for not reaching out to her after Pink Dog died, and Erika is like, “Bitch, I just found out, but I’m going to hug your bony ass anyway, and hope you get over yourself, damn.”

Outside, Teddi sits next to Erika, and things are tense for about five minutes, until Erika compliments Teddi on her earrings, and Rebecca the Pyschic starts insisting that Marilyn Monroe is sitting at the end of the table.

Rebecca the Psychic then announces that there is someone named “Frannie,” or possibly “Francis” sitting with them at the table, and Rinna is all, “MY DAD’S NAME WAS FRANCIS buthedidn’tgobyfrannieorfrancishewentbyfrank OH MY GOD IT’S MY DAD!” Rebecca the Psychic tells Rinna that Francis loves to sit by Rinna near the “big window” and Rinna is all, “THERE ARE BIG WINDOWS IN MY HOUSE OH MY GOD I JUST GOT A PHONE CALL FROM HEAVEN.”

The ladies move back inside the house where Rebecca the Psychic announces that John Lennon has just joined them in the corner.

Kyle asks Rebecca the Psychic if her mother is happy that Kyle is milking her life story for some quick cash on a basic cable show, and Rebecca the Psychic claims that Kyle’s mother is more upset that Kyle isn’t getting the hair and costuming for her character right, and everyone is like, “DAMN.”

Rebecca the Psychic then explains to Dorit that she and her husband were in live with each other in another life, one where Dorit missed a boat in Greece and PK took her where she needed to go, and Dorit is all, “OH MY GOD THAT SOUNDS JUST LIKE ME!”

Rebecca the Psychic then turns to Lisa Vanderpump and tells her that three VanderDogs are here to tell her that they love her so much. Everyone is like, “GASP!” until Rebecca the Psychic — knowing that the people at home watching know how Twitter works and would drag for her miles if she tried to claim otherwise — confesses that she saw Vanderpump’s VanderTweet about Pink Dog’s death. BUT HOW DID SHE KNOW THAT VANDERPUMP HAS THREE VANDERDOGS BURIED IN HER BACKYARD, HMMMM?

Rebecca the Psychic declares that Erika has psychic abilities, too, which Erika humbly agrees with, before noting that Erika has some sort of connection to Spain. Erika then launches into her past life story about being a Spanish prince who had been kidnapped and kept on a ship until a gallant knight saved him, and then Erika/prince followed the knight around for the rest of his life.

Rebecca the Psychic then turns her attention to Teddi, who wanted no part in this because Jawline doesn’t approve of psychics or somesuch, and Rebecca the Psychic explains that some friend of Teddi’s who died young is here and likes Teddi’s earrings. Teddi becomes emotional, despite purporting to not believe any of this shit, and decides that it is a friend of hers who died in the 6th grade in a horseback riding incident — BASED ON NOTHING BUT “FRIEND,” “YOUNG,” and “COOL EARRINGS”  — and Rebecca the Psychic runs with it, insisting that she saw a neck injury.

lucille-skeptical-arrested-development-eye-roll

And then the heaven phone rings, and everyone is all “ACK! HEAVEN!” but it’s just a call from one of Rebecca the Psychic’s other clients, calm down.

The ladies go back outside for dessert, where Erika invites them all to come to Berlin with her — yes, including Teddi. Erika also — despite her threats from the previous episode — apologies for losing her temper with Teddi, but suggests that they discuss “pretend amnesia” at a later time. Erika then promises to give all of the ladies’ husbands  blowjobs if the women are allowed to come with her to Berlin and on that note, GOOD NIGHT AND GOD BLESS.

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The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo on Tuesdays at 8/9 p.m.

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