‘The Real Housewives of New York City’: Marathon woman

The Real Housewives of New York
“Running Your Mouth”
April 11, 2018

When we begin this episode, Bethenny receives some sort of Christmas tchotchke for Dorinda that Bethenny clearly doesn’t want cluttering her house but feels like she has to make nice noises about. “Ooh, look at this, wow.”

Dorinda then pops by for a visit, and they discuss the death of Bethenny’s dog, how Bethenny hung out with The Countess following Dorinda’s Halloween party — and how much fun she is now that she’s not yelling about how she’s IN LOVE every goddamn minute, and Bethenny’s Hamptons squabble with Ramona which bore all the weight and import as an argument over traffic in “The Californians.”

the californians faces.gif

Oh, and Dorinda and Bethenny briefly discuss the fact that Bethenny is going to be hosting an intimate birthday dinner in the Hamptons that weekend, where I am certain everyone will be well-behaved and no one will fight over bullshit.

Elsewhere, Tinsley, Ramona and Princess Carole meet for lunch, where Her Highness expresses her disapproval of The Countess’ blackface at Halloween and Ramona tells her to calm down and not be so politically correct. White privilege is a powerful drug, y’all.

They briefly discuss The Princess and The Countess’ dustup regarding the fact that Princess Radzi didn’t reach out to the Countess after the divorce, noting that The Countess seems to hold her friends up to a higher standard than she does her own behavior, as if this is some sort of revelation after ten years of this lunatic being on television.

The conversation turns to Princess 26.2’s upcoming appearance in the New York City Marathon, and apparently among all of her friends castmates, Tinsley is the only one who asked her for a ticket. WHAT’S UP, BETHENNY?

Ramona, who is most certainly not going to stand out in the November cold to watch people run by, is going to do one better for Her Runningness: She’s going to host a party for Princess Nipple Bleed out in the Hamptons where Ramona was going to be anyway, but where the marathon most definitely is not! You’re welcome, Her Shin Splintiness!

Ramona then calls her restauranteur friend, Kirk, who is handling the catering for “Princess Carole’s Marathon Party” and she ends the call with an “I love you.”

eileen-raise-eyebrows-oh-really-rhobh

Sometime later, Sonja and Dorinda go for a walk to chat about Sonja’s trip to Costa Rica and her raw food and juice diet she prescribed for herself to detox from antidepressants — which, again, I can not stress enough, seems like a very sound medical decision for someone without a medical degree to make.

They also chat about Tinsley, Sonja expressing her regret that she just cared too much. Sure, it may have seemed to everyone that Sonja was being hypercritical, bossy and petty towards Tinsley, but it was only because Sonja as so protective of her, you see. Sonja then tsks that Tinsley moved out of her townhouse too soon, she knew it would never work out between Tinsley and that Scott boy. Sonja then casually mentions as if this is just common knowledge that Scott is obviously paying for Tinsley to stay in that hotel, Tinsley clearly couldn’t afford a $10,000 a month hotel on her own. Just like Scott paid for the $5,000 Bergdorf Goodman gift card Tinsley gave her as a thank you for letting Tinsley stay with her. “I mean, Tinsley’s family has money, but not that kind of money,” Sonja sniffs.

Dorinda is mortified:

you can't say that on TV family feud steve harvey.gif

Speaking of Tinsley, she meets The Countess for dinner, The Countess still wearing her wig braids and as a result, channeling her Carribean Island Countess personality. The two chat about Tinsley’s breakup and The Countess urges her to surprise Scott in Chicago offering as an example of how this one time when The Count was on business in Morocco, The Countess surprised him at his hotel room dressed as an Arabian princess, and he loved it. White woman privilege is a powerful drug, y’all.

Tinsley is like, “So I’m supposed to be taking romantic advice from someone whose second marriage lasted seven months? Cool.”

Tinsley neglects to note that:

  1. The relationship that The Countess is referring to here ended up a dumpster fire.
  2. It’s NEVER A GOOD IDEA to surprise an ex. IT NEVER WORKS OUT THE WAY YOU WANT IT TO. EVER. DON’T DO IT.

Seriously, just don’t.

Tinsley turns the conversation to The Countess, noting that she’s not been very open about her divorce or sharing her feelings with her friends. Instead of thanking The Countess for this — THANK YOU, COUNTESS — Tinsley presses her to open up more. But The Countess is all, “I’M FINE. EVERYTHING IS FINE. I’M DEFINITELY NOT GOING TO GO TO FLORIDA IN A MONTH, GET TRASHED, FIGHT THE POLICE AND GET MY ASS ARRESTED ON FELONY CHARGES. I’M ABSOLUTELY HANDLING MY BUSINESS. DROP IT.”

But Tinsley will not drop it, and as things begin to escalate, Tinsley has the balls to ask The Countess about calling herself “The Countess” again, even though she technically lost the title when she remarried. “I’ll always be ‘The Countess,'” The Countess explains. “After all, is Queen Latifah a queen?”

I KNOW YOU DID NOT JUST COMPARE YOURSELF TO QUEEN LATIFAH, MA’AM.

queen latifah give me strength bob's burgers.gif

They then briefly discuss Princess Carole and the marathon, which in this tense atmosphere leads to Tinsley sniping that Her Highness’ relationship with the Duke of Collard Greens seemed more real to Tinsley than anything The Countess and Tom the Cheater had. “OH DID PRINCESS CRADLE ROBBER AND THE EARL OF QUINOA GET MARRIED WHEN I WASN’T LOOKING?” The Countess demands, as if her “marriage” was somehow more real than what Princess Radz and The Viscount of Ham Hocks had just because contracts.

Tinsley tries to argue that Her Sereness really likes The Countess … when The Countess is being authentic and real, to which The Countess wonders who made Princess Judgey the judge of authenticity. And then everyone orders more wine because no one is going to survive this otherwise.

Elsewhere, Princess Carole and Dorinda take a walk along the High Line where Her Runningness talks about how excited she is for the marathon and how at Dorinda’s Halloween party, Sonja said Dorinda was fat. This is news to Dorinda, who takes it poorly.

 

Speaking of Sonja, apparently she throws “Gay Parties” at her townhouse and has on most Wednesdays for the past 12 years? If that’s the case, how is this the first time we’re seeing one?

i-dont-believe-you

Anyway, the point is her house is full of fabulous gay men — including the gorgeous Aquaria who CROSSOVER ALERT is competing on RuPaul’s Drag Race RIGHT NOW

aquaria drag race.gif

— and Sonja, who does that sorta-insulting thing where she claims that she, a rich white woman who was once married into the Morgan family, is a gay man in a woman’s body. White straight woman privilege is a powerful drug, y’all.

That’s it. That’s all that happens. Sonja invites a bunch of gay men over to pay attention to her, they do, the end.

Over in Bethenny’s world, we visit her new apartment which is under construction because when isn’t one of Bethenny’s apartments under construction? And oh, by the way, the new place happens to overlook her new office space so that she can terrorize her employees even when she is at home.

As we continue to play musical lunches with the women, Dorinda and Tinsley meet for 11 a.m. wine where Dorinda compliments Tinsley on her large watch before complaining about Sonja saying she was fat. This is Dorinda’s way of working into tattling on Sonja for saying that Tinsley is a kept woman — kept by her ex-boyfriend, however the hell THAT works. Tinsley is HORRIFIED and promises that even though she’s bad at confrontation, she’ll back Dorinda up if she says something to Sonja about it in the Hamptons.

Also meeting for lunch, The Countess and Sonja who is draped in the fur of a dead maroon muppet.

R.I.P. Telly.

telly sesame street

There, The Countess bitches about the temerity of Princess Carole criticizing her for being called “The Countess.” HOW DARE SHE. It’s The Countess’ entire brand! ‘The Countess’ has songs on iTunes! ‘THE COUNTESS’ HAS A PANDORA STATION.

luannn know my music rhonycest bon rhony luann

As for Sonja, she’s toying with using the townhouse as a rental property now that she’s run out of broken socialites to play Grey Gardens with.

Finally, Princess Runsalot runs the marathon. Before she does, she goes to some sort of marathon center where she looks up her dead husband’s time in the 1985 marathon (he ran an impressive 2:58:17), while explaining that running the marathon is a way to honor him. We then spend an interminable amount of time watching her run-walk the marathon, and she finally finishes in 6:42:06. And for sure, finishing a marathon is an amazing accomplishment for which I have nothing but boundless admiration, but in all honestly there is NOTHING in this life I want to do for six hours and forty-two minutes nonstop, SPECIFICALLY and PARTICULARLY run. Jesus fucking Christ, just kill me.

But yeah, yay, Princess Carole!

The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo on Wednesdays at 8/9 p.m.

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