‘The Real Housewives of New York City’: Gonna dress you up in my dumb

The Real Housewives of New York
“Ghouls Just Want to Have Fun”
April 4, 2018

I have a question: who was the TV genius who first realized that Real Housewives fights would be improved 10,000% if the women were wearing costumes while shrieking at each other about irrelevant nonsense? Because some of my favorite episodes of all of the franchises have involved these assholes putting on ridiculous costumes and then getting into dumb fights with each other as if anyone could possibly take them seriously when they are dressed like sexy firemen or hot dogs or characters from BAPs. Whoever it was that first recognized that this was a formula for television gold, give them all of the Emmys.

This season’s ridiculous costume party is being hosted by Dorinda, and the theme is “famous people dead or alive.” She, for one, is planning on going as Lady Gaga and ordered her costume from Amazon, but what she received was a box of loose plastic spheres and a body stocking.

YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO READ THE DESCRIPTION CAREFULLY, PEOPLE.

Fortunately for Dorinda, she has a few connections and calls her costume director friend who works over at Saturday Night Live who agrees to hot glue the balls onto the body stocking for her — something I assume she probably could have done herself if she could stay sober for ten minutes.

As for Bethenny, she’s spent her break from filming doing something actually good and close to my heart. After seeing the devastation that Hurricane Harvey wreaked here in my home state and city, Bethenny felt compelled to do something. She gathered money and supplies from her charity and spent two weeks calling her friends, corporations and fellow TV stars to ask for more donations. She then came to Houston and passed out $1000 in cash and Walmart gift cards to women who needed help.

Hurricane Maria then hit Puerto Rico and as impossible as it is especially for us here in Houston to imagine, somehow managed to wreak even more damage there. Bethenny charted four cargo planes filled with “medical and survival supplies, including water, canned goods, baby food, diapers and insulin” and distributed gift cards to those most impacted by the hurricane.

And though it didn’t receive as much attention (or a mention on the episode), she also delivered lightweight supplies to a village in Mexico that was devastated by the Mexico City earthquake.

This is why my husband walked into the living room to find me crying over an episode of The Real Housewives of New York City, for fuck’s sake.

YES. YES, I AM.

I know she’ll never read this dumb little blog of mine — who has the time — but as hokey as this sounds, I need to put my gratitude towards Bethenny out into the universe. I am so thankful to Bethenny Frankel and everyone who donated to her charity and everyone who donated to any charity that helped those who needed help last summer. My family and I were fortunate, but we had so many friends who lost everything in Harvey and I know people who still haven’t been able to move back into their homes. Even having been through Harvey, I still can’t begin to wrap my head around what it is like in Puerto Rico where parts of the island still don’t have power six months later, and the hospitals are running on generators. To know that there are people out there, like Bethenny, who give a shit and did something to help … it means something to those of us who have been through a disaster.

Her charity is B Strong if you want to help.

Anyway, there’s some sort of gala where she is honored, and she brings along Tinsley, who donated $10,000 and Ramona who donated $3,000 for Houston efforts. (Thanks to both of them, too.) But curiously, Bethenny’s partner in crime, Princess Radziwill, is nowhere to be seen.

Elsewhere, The Countess swings by Dorinda’s apartment to officially discuss The Divorce for the first time on the show. The Countess explains that she did everything she could to make the marriage work, but it just wasn’t possible — WHICH EVERYONE TRIED TO TELL HER BEFORE SHE MADE IT LEGAL, BUT WHATEVER. Dorinda notes that things seemed to get worse after they got married, and The Countess sighs that she couldn’t stop the merry-go-round: the kissing other women, people sending her pictures of him, the nights he’d go out and not come home…

… and in the end, it was the lack of respect that killed their marriage. They still occasionally text, but The Countess insists that there are no longer feelings there. She’s not convincing. Meanwhile, she is irritated that Sonja is going around telling people that The Countess is dating everyone in sight, and that of all the cast, Princess Cradle Robber is the only one who hasn’t reached out to her. Why this is a surprise to The Countess is unclear, considering what an asshole The Countess has been to Her Sereness about her relationships.

Speaking of the other women, a roundup of their thoughts on this perfectly predictable news:

Dorinda, who introduced them in the first place, thinks that Tom isn’t a bad person, just not marriage material.

Princess Obvious says that she understands the reasons they got divorced, just not the reasons they got married in the first place.

Tinsley notes that Tom was cheating on The Countess the week they got engaged which is THE BIGGEST RED FLAG EVER.

Ramona calls it a train wreck that no one could prevent.

Bethenny says, “death, taxes and The Countess’ divorce” are things that are just going to happen.

And Sonja — perhaps most apt of all — compares it to The Countess’ camel ride in Morocco.

However, unlike Sonja, I’m not convinced The Countess needs to get back on that camel anytime soon.

In other breakup news, Tinsley reveals that she and Scott are no longer together when Princess Also Been Dumped swings by the hotel for a visit. Tinsley and Scott’s relationship succumbed to the “pressure,” whatever that means; while Her Royal Singleness is no longer with Viscount Side Salad, but does see him every so often for “coffee.”

Later, Princess Marathon works out. I could literally not care less about anything. Except for maybe Bethenny’s dead dog.

Elsewhere, Ramona and Sonja meet at a costume store where Ramona reveals she has not seen hide nor hair of Sonja all summer, despite constantly badgering her to hang out in the Hamptons. Sonja explains that she decided to get off the antidepressants by going on a juice cleanse in Costa Rica, which is definitely what doctors recommend. MEdical practitioners definitely recommend that to wean yourself off of mood stabilizers you should go drink questionable fruit juices in a jungle in Central America.

Sonja notes the fact that Dorinda’s party will be the first time she sees The Countess since the divorce, but Ramona has seen her in the Hamptons and informs Sonja that The Countess appears to be holding up well. (Oh, ladies, just wait.) And Sonja, reminiscing about charity-fucking Tom in the past, tsks that you just can’t take a party boy and turn him into a husband.

Finally, Dorinda’s Halloween party. Ahead of the festivities, Princess Dressup swings by Dorinda’s hotel room to have her makeup done for her Amelia Earhart costume. There, Dorinda tells Princess Missing in the Pacific that The Countess is disappointed to have not heard from her regarding the divorce, and Her Highness is like, “the fuck? She doesn’t want to hear from me — she doesn’t like me,” before noting in an interview that she actually expected The Countess to apologize to them for calling them jealous bitches for the last two years. FAIR.

Downstairs, Fudgie is dressed as a SWAT Team member, which LOL OK. Tinsley is dressed as “Like a Virgin”-era Madonna, prompting Fudgie to ask if she’s a virgin. OK, LISTEN UP, FUDGIE. You coasted by last season by staying off camera and avoiding saying stupid flirty shit to the women. LET’S NOT RUIN YOUR GOOD STREAK NOW, BUDDY.

Sonja arrives with Rocco, the couple dressed as Lucy and Ricky, and Sonja explains that petit petit ami français ran “too hot” and partied too much, so she’s turned her attention to Rocco because he’s more “consistent” and “playing the long game.” In other words, Frenchie il a rompu avec elle.

Sonja also pointedly does not approach the other women, or Dorinda, the hostess, instead lingering weirdly by the bar, prompting the other women to comment on the fact that they hadn’t seen her over the summer, and seriously, though, what the fuck is going on with Sonja?

Ramona arrives:

As does The Countess:

Ramona is obviously channeling some “Oops, I Did It Again” Britney Spears — and to her credit, is doing it the best a woman in her 60s possibly could. And The Countess is dressed as Diana Ross, which I’m sure you already knew based on the 5-foot-tall afro that Diana Ross never rocked. In the episode, Princess Earhart calls The Countess out for wearing blackface, a charge that The Countess denied on Watch What Happens Live. It was a “respectful tribute” to Miss Ross, according to our Countess, and I’m not sure which was the most respectful part: the dark makeup, or the comically large afro wig.

Meanwhile, an increasingly drunk and belligerent Dorinda begins bitching loudly about the fact that Sonja still hasn’t greeted her, and that LADY MORGAN should have BETTER ETIQUETTE THAN THAT. Of course, as the hostess, Dorinda could have also greeted her guest to make her feel welcome, but, you know, what the fuck ever. As Ramona says, Dorinda is a “spitcracker.”

Dorinda becomes drunker and drunker, explaining over and over again in less coherent terms how the SNL guy made her dress until the plastic balls on the dress begin flinging themselves on the ground, desperate to get away from the vodka fumes and so as to not have to hear that story one more time. Fudgie, wisely, takes her home.

Before Dorinda leaves, Bethenny arrives dressed as “Barbie” who is not a famous person, dead or alive, but a doll. However, if she had just claimed she was who she actually looked like — Trixie Mattel — I would have given her all of the points.

 

Also, Princess Aviator is smoking? Some five days before she’s supposed to run a marathon? Because it’s “part of her costume?” Super plus good idea.

The Countess interrupts Her Smokiness’ smoke break to bitch at her for not reaching out after she heard about the divorce and Princess Doesn’t Give a Fuck is like, “1. It wasn’t my business, 2. I was the only one who didn’t tell you to not marry the guy because see number 1. and 3. You didn’t call me when you heard that the Duke of Brussels Sprouts and I broke up, so …”

The Countess also gets up in Sonja’s face about talking about her to the press, but, I mean, someone is getting up in Sonja’s face about that in every episode, it’s hardly news.

And then, seemingly out of nowhere, Bethenny and Ramona start yelling at one another about Hamptons real estate and whether or not a new investment property Bethenny bought is in a desirable part of the Hamptons and whether or not Ramona actually supports women and Bethenny at one point encourages Ramona to call her back once Ramona is finally successful at something.

The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo on Wednesdays at 8/9 p.m.

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