‘The Real Housewives of New York City’: Una mas tequila for the road

The Real Housewives of New York
“Reunion, Part 3”
August 30, 2017

We begin the final hour of the reunion with a montage of the women saying filthy things, which honestly could be the subtitle of this series: “Rich Women Saying Filthy Things.”

Andy Cohen asks Tinsley about discussing her anal past, and she explains that she should have never said that in such a public way, that she heard from her ex-husband “and then some” and apologized to him.

Meanwhile, the Ex-Mr. Tinsley:

Sonja admonishes Tinlsey for “talking about the families” — in this case the “family” being the Mortimers, and Bethenny is like, “I’M SORRY, WHEN DID THIS BECOME THE GODFATHER?”

Because, seriously, fuck “the families.” The Mortimers, the Morgans, the Vanderbilts … they deserve no more respect than anyone else, especially when their relatives whore themselves out on reality shows and reveal that they are just as crass and embarrassing as anyone else.

Exhibit A:

A viewer asks Sonja about her “fake disgust” at the mere idea of anal sex, considering her own “booty” was “plundered” by a pirate back in the day. Sonja insists that she never said anything about having anal sex with Pirate Johnny Depp, that was Princess Bigmouth, who later wrote Sonja a three-page apology letter for doing so. Her Highness admits this is, in fact, the case.

 

Andy Cohen is also curious about Sonja suggesting that she is “allergic” to Harry the Ex’s sperm, but, honestly, do any of us want to spend any more time contemplating that? I didn’t think so.

A viewer asks Ramona about her conviction that oral sex isn’t sex, and she explains that it comes from being raised Catholic. As having been half-heartedly raised Catholic, I have to say I missed that part of the catechism — but, as I said, I was only raised so “half-heartedly” so I might have missed some of the finer points. Ramona then goes on to clarify that when she’s dating now, she doesn’t do anything for her partner, but does allow him to “take care of her,” which Bethenny smirks sounds exactly like our Ramona.

We then move on to the “Ramona Calls Bethenny a Porn Star Under the Auspices of Worrying about Bethenny’s Daughter” montage.

 

A viewer asks Ramona why on earth she’s brought this entire mess up now, when the acting credit has been on Bethenny’s IMDB page for forever, noting that Ramona’s behavior seemed calculated.

In response, Ramona drags her own daughter into it, claiming that she was with Avery when a friend sent her a story about Bethenny’s film past. Ramona, thinking that it was a new story that Bethenny was dealing with, and being with her own daughter at the time, and remembering how LunchBox Head’s son was asked to leave his school when nude photos of LunchBox Head leaked, immediately began worrying about Bryn. That’s all there is to it!

Bethenny:

A viewer asks Bethenny why she didn’t just tell Ramona that Bryn knew nothing about the story. Bethenny explains that it was an old story and she knew she was being ambushed by Ramona. Ramona keeps insisting that she was ONLY THINKING OF THE CHILD, and Bethenny points out that Ramona was the only mother who brought this particular story to her.

Also, too, there was that whole thing in Mexico when Ramona confessed to her that she wanted to hurt Bethenny and decimate her life, so, color Bethenny cynical of Ramona’s intentions. Ramona, being an asshole and a ruiner, has the audacity to be insulted by Bethenny “making up stories” about her being malicious towards her, and everyone is like, “Yeah, but we saw the season? We were there? Bethenny doesn’t have to make up anything?”

A viewer asks The Countess what she thinks about this whole mess, considering that Bethenny called her every name in the book, and The Countess shrugs that while she can withstand Bethenny’s insults, bringing kids into it is different. As Sonja said, you don’t talk about the families — a sentiment I could get behind if Sonja meant the literal family members of the cast, and not some grandiose idea of proper New York “families.”

 

A viewer asks Ramona if she resents Bethenny’s success the way Jill did in the third season, and Ramona protests absolutely not, before adding this:

This asshole and ruiner, she is a piece of work.

 

Andy Cohen asks Bethenny about this gem:

And Bethenny shrugs that Ramona is a jealous bitch who jealouses.

 

 

Andy Cohen asks the rest of the women what they thought when they saw Ramona’s attack on Bethenny at Dorinda’s and whether they would be as forgiving if they were Bethenny. The Countess notes that she’s been on the receiving end of Ramona’s attacks and adds that Ramona just doesn’t seem to understand that after viciously berating someone, she can’t just show up the next day, give a lame-ass apology and expect everything to go back to normal.

Ramona insists that she was in a “blind rage,” to which Andy Cohen suggests she was also “blind drunk” before asking if she had taken any pills that day. Ramona claims she most certainly did not and she absolutely was not on any Xanax, NO MATTER WHAT SONJA MIGHT HAVE SAID.

 

Andy Cohen then asks Bethenny about her decision to bring Ramona along in Mexico, and Bethenny explains that she couldn’t exclude her, before adding she was never angry with Ramona, she just didn’t want to have to deal with her or be around her or talk to her or look at her or hear her voice.

 

We move on to the “Anyone Could Have Predicted that Tinsley Moving in with Sonja was a Terrible Idea” montage, after which Tinsley professes, again, her gratitude to Sonja for taking her in when she did. It was fun! For about five minutes, but then Sonja was all up in her business and dictating her dating life and it became CONSIDERABLY LESS FUN.

 

Sonja admits that she was maybe a little too much but she never said that Tinsley was a “bad houseguest” (except that she did, all the damn time) and she didn’t appreciate Tinsley hanging out with Sonja’s friends and Tinsley’s fellow castmates airing Sonja’s dirty laundry. Sonja does agree that she was a mite too hard on Tinsley, playing the overbearing mother, something she never did to The Countess when she was living at Grey Gardens.

Sonja explains herself, though: Tinsley came to her saying she wanted to “rectify” her reputation and find someone to marry and have kids with. Sonja, who is fucking a 37-year-old while planning to marry a ??-year-old somewhere down the line, thought it was therefore imprudent of Tinsley to go on dates and have fun with handsome young men. This makes no sense, but like I said in the previous recap, Sonja’s an odd creature and I do not understand her brain.

Andy Cohen asks Sonja if she was behind the Page 6 story, and she insists that she ABSOLUTELY WAS NOT. And it was simply OUTRAGEOUS that Tinsley wanted her to call Page 6 to try to squash it. But … was it? Was it ridiculous for Tinsley to expect that if Sonja wanted to dispute the story she would just … do so? But maybe that just sounds like logic to this non-socialite who has never contacted a gossip columnist to spread rumors about her friends.

As for Sonja’s party, Tinsley explains that she began planning it before she learned about the Page 6 story, so it was just a joke when she said it was “Thank You, Fuck You” party. Bethenny calls it a “Thuck You” party, and now that one episode of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills MAKES SO MUCH MORE SENSE.

Anyway, they’re friends again. At least for now.

We are then treated to the “Tequila is Not Your Friend” montage, after which the cast gives The Countess a round of applause for her spectacular — and injury-free — falls. We also learn that no one threw up on the Mexico trip, which is absolutely amazing because I felt like I needed to go on a liver cleanse just from watching them drink.

 

 

Andy Cohen asks Ramona why on EARTH she thought she deserved the largest room on a trip that Bethenny planned ESPECIALLY after the way she treated Bethenny. Ramona, God bless her, says that she was an asshole (and a ruiner) and that she and Sonja were acting like “stupid old bitches.”

YOUR WORDS, GIRL, NOT MINE.

Also, how in the world is there not a gif of that? (I’d make one but THERE’S NO TIME.)

Andy Cohen asks when they each realized they had reached the point of no return on Dia de Tequila, and Dorinda best sums it up with, “When I saw Sonja’s vagina,” which is a truism for many.

Andy Cohen also notes that Sonja tried to make out with the other women, and someone points out, interestingly, that she only molested the brunettes, none of the blonds, so now we know Sonja’s type. As for the possibility of making out with Ramona, Sonja flatly declares that “disgusting,” so I suppose we found her floor.

 

 

Before he moves on to her dumb fight with Bethenny, Andy Cohen asks Dorinda how she cut herself, and she explains that she ran her hand down the knife when putting it down — but that she felt nothing because tequila is a hell of a drug.

But as to that fight with Bethenny, Andy Cohen found it somewhat baffling, because what Dorinda was saying about Bethenny — that she tries to be the perfect everything, and she likes to be in control — that’s all true? Bethenny explains that she was upset because she didn’t want to be psychoanalyzed by a drunk, even if the drunk was right, and really, who does?

 

All in all, the women agree that it was the best trip — quite literally in The Countess’ case — they’ve ever taken together, the end.

Finally, the women play “Rose and Thorn” about the season overall, SO DON’T SAY “TOM,” THE COUNTESS, I PROMISE YOU’LL REGRET IT LATER.

The Countess: rose =  wedding; thorn = everyone talking shit about Tom (lady, I tried to warn you …)

Dorinda: rose = Hannah moving out on her own; thorn = her fight with Bethenny

Tinsley: rose = moving back to New York City; thorn = fighting with Sonja

Sonja: rose = putting to bed her issues with Dorinda; thorn = giving too much tough love to Tinsley

Princess Thorny: thorn = the day after the election; rose = marching on Washington DC with Dorinda

Ramona: thorn = her behavior towards Bethenny; rose = trip to Mexico

Bethenny: rose = “personal freedom”; thorn = all the shit that we didn’t see going on with her divorce

With that, the women do one last shot of tequila, and if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to do a shot of tequila myself before we embark on yet another season.

¡Salud!

 

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The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo on Wednesdays at 8/9 p.m.