‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’: An honest-to-God VanderPology

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“Thank You, Thuck You”
February 27, 2018

Our ladies are still terrorizing New York, and as we begin this episode, it’s Camille and Kelsey Grammer’s daughter’s big fashion show where she is walking for NOT Louis Vuitton as I had previously heard, but instead some person named “Malan Breton”? OK.

After a completely silent and tense bus ride over to the show, the women plop themselves down in the front row to cheer on Mason Grammer who is pretty enough despite having Kelsey Grammer’s exact head. She fashions. Camille is proud. The end.

Everyone returns to the hotel to prepare for Kyle’s trunk show: Erika slaps some bangs on her head that she thinks makes her look like she just had sex in a dumpster; Teddi reveals that she kidnapped her poor hair and makeup people that morning and forced them to SoulCyle with her because she’s a monster; Dorit wears a t-shirt with a vampire mouth on it as some sort of weird form of protest; and Kyle decides to shove all her hair up underneath a shorter-haired wig to give the appearance that she cut off her hair into a boring shoulder-length mom bob. SO DANGEROUS.

Rinna, confused by everyone being so weird with each other all day, swings by Kyle’s room for answers.

And Kyle explains that she spent the night before defending Lisa Vanderpump against Dorit’s nasty comments about her being insecure and jealous only to have Lisa Vanderpump VanderThrow her under the VanderBus and take Dorit’s side. Rinna’s response is that threesomes never work, and no, not like that, you pervs.

Meanwhile, Dorit calls Lisa Vanderpump and asks if she can swing by her room to chat before going to Kyle’s party, and Lisa VanderSighs that she VANDERSUPPOSES SO, IF DORIT JUST ABSOLUTELY VANDERMUST.

So, Dorit heads over, and Lisa VanderSplains that she’s disappointed in Dorit: she’s always been on Dorit’s VanderSide so it’s disappointing to hear that Dorit was saying she was insecure and jealous. Dorit continues to insist she did no such thing …

… before whining that Kyle wanted her to go home alone in a cab AT NIGHT in NEW YORK CITY where she surely would have been raped or kidnapped or had a kidney stolen OR WORSE. WHAT KIND OF FRIEND WANTS THAT FOR ANOTHER FRIEND?

Lisa VanderMuses that Kyle’s real issue is that she thinks Lisa holds her to a higher VanderStandard than she does Dorit, before dropping that her VanderFriendship with Dorit is mostly predicated on the love she has for Dorit’s shitastic husband P.K.

Dorit:

Dorit continues to insist that she would never do or say anything to hurt Lisa, which Lisa accepts as a VanderPology. However, she might just want to VanderWait on that.

Teddi escorts Kyle to the trunk show since things are still quite VanderTense between Kyle and Lisa, and then we are subjected to 15 minutes of Housewives trying on fake fur coats and awkwardly avoiding one another in Kyle’s store.

In addition to her castmates, Kyle also invited Bethenny from The Real Housewives of New York to her trunk show, which Lisa Vanderpump interprets as Kyle bringing in backup. And maybe? I mean, Kyle and Bethenny have known each other for 25 years and Bethenny has appeared in a previous season of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, so it’s not unprecedented:

“I HAVE MANY THOUGHTS ON YOUR MUSIC VIDEO EVEN THOUGH YOU DIDN’T ASK ME FOR THEM AND I DON’T WORK IN THE BUSINESS BUT I AM GOING TO GO AHEAD AND YELL ALL OF THEM AT YOU RIGHT NOW, PERSON I JUST MET FIVE MINUTES AGO.”

… But I also wouldn’t put it past Kyle to bring Bethenny in to stand up to fellow Queen Bee, LVP — or LVBee, if you will.

And I will.

The two women gently growl at one another, Bethenny pointing out that Lisa’s VanderPology to Kyle was an “I’m sorry if you were upset,” and not just a flat, “I’m sorry,” otherwise known as “an apology.”

But honestly? I don’t care about any of that because all I can think about is how much taller Bethenny seems to be on this show than on she is on Real Housewives of New York. What is happening here? Is she on stilts? Are they using forced perspective?

This, in turn, leads me down a weird googlehole, searching for Real Housewives’ heights, and it’s fascinating: though Bethenny appears to be tiny on The Real Housewives of New York, she’s actually 5’7″, as are most of the other women on that show. (The Countess is a gargantuan statuesque 5’10”.) Compared to Kyle Richards, who is 5’2″, Bethenny is a god damned giant. In related news: I also learned I am the same height as Kyle Richards. In more related news: I am not the person who broke into Kyle Richards’ home and stole all of her things even though they would clearly fit me perfectly why would you even think that.

Kyle and Dorit also briefly chat, confirming that they do like each other, they do want to trust the other, but that the other one needs to quit acting like SUCH A BITCH. Love ya!

And with that, we are done with New York. Finally.

Back in California, Lisa Rinna has a new puppy. I mean, I love a puppy as much as anyone, but also: so what?

Elsewhere, Lisa Vanderpump invites Teddi over for some VanderTea, where Teddi confirms, again, that Dorit did say the things about Lisa that Kyle said she did. Teddi then reminds Lisa that Kyle doesn’t speak negatively about anyone (who isn’t named Brandi Glanville), so who is Lisa going to VanderBelieve?

Lisa protests that Kyle tried to make Lisa feel bad for not wanting to allow Dorit to take a cab back to the hotel by herself, but Teddi (and every person who has ever taken a cab in New York City) is like, “GIVE ME A BREAK. SHE’S AN ADULT WOMAN.” Teddi explains — FOR THE TEN THOUSANDTH TIME — that the reason Kyle is upset is that she felt she was going to bat for Lisa, and Lisa didn’t have Kyle’s VanderBack. Teddi then suggests that what Kyle really needs is a VanderPology. A real one.

Lisa squints VanderDisapprovingly.

But to her VanderCredit, Lisa agrees to meet Kyle for dinner. There, Kyle whines that Lisa holds her to a different VanderStandard than Dorit, and Lisa tries to claim that’s because they’ve been friends longer. But then — brace yourselves, in fact, hold on to something if you’re not already seated — Lisa says that she wants to VanderPologize 100%, no VanderButs, VanderIfs or VanderHowevers. Kyle is suspicious that Lisa didn’t come up the idea to VanderPologize on her VanderOwn, but shit, she’ll VanderTake it.

 

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The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo on Tuesdays at 8/9 p.m. and is very VanderSorry if it offended you.

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2 thoughts on “‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’: An honest-to-God VanderPology

  1. I too just learned I’m 5’2″…thought I was a statuesque 5’4″. Neither of us should be seen in Kyles caftans or those Chanel weight lifting gloves! What the hell are those?
    Thanks for the great recaps!

    Like

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