The Real Housewives of New York
“Three Tequila … Floor!”
July 19, 2017
If your favorite Real Housewives of New York episodes are the ones in which immediately upon arrival on their
vacation contractually-obligated group trip, Ramona and Sonja commandeer the best room at the rental property without consulting the other women, leading to hard feelings and scream fights, then you’re in luck because about 80% of this episode is just that.
But before all that, the women arrive in Puerto Vallarta on Bethenny’s — or rather “The Group” — trip, with Bethenny complaining of a stomach bug, and Ramona’s face the tragic casualty of a chemical peel gone horribly wrong.
From the airport, the women take two cars to their property, and on the drive over:
- Bethenny, clearly delusional from her illness, declares that she would blow Simon van Kempen for a Slurpee
- Princess Poland announces that now that she’s in Mexico, she wants to eat some Taco Bell. Bless her heart.
- Ramona, Sonja, and Bethenny play a game that Matt Lauer went and ruined: “fuck, marry, kill” with Her Highness, The Countess and Tinsley. The consensus is: Marry Princess Taco Bell; Fuck The Countess; and Kill Tinsley. R.I.P. Tinsley.
- Tinsley reveals that her blind date with that Scott guy turned into a five-day trip to Miami because that’s totally normal.
- Sonja shows off a “wrong number” dick pic she received. 🍆 Sure it was a wrong number. Sure it was.
The women arrive at the sprawling estate, and after downing their welcome margaritas, like clockwork, Ramona and Sonja scramble to find and claim the best room. While scurrying through the hallways, Ramona and Sonja convince themselves that they deserve the best room as they were stuck with the “worst” room on their Miami trip. They need — nay! — they have earned the master suite with a view of the ocean, a bathtub, and outdoor shower, and once they find it, they plop their purses down on to claim it once and for all.
Meanwhile, the other women enjoy the view, partake of some very Not Taco Bell snacks, and breathe in the fresh sea air. When she notices that they are missing, Bethenny muses that surely Ramona and Sonja are not being “room whores” and insists that she is going to give the pair the benefit of the doubt that they are not doing exactly what they are doing.
Having marked their territory, Ramonja join the other women where they are promptly told by Bethenny that their aggression will not stand and they are going to draw numbers for room choices. Ramona pouts that they had The Worst Room in Miami, and Bethenny tells her to stop being vile and draw a number. Numbers are drawn, room fates are sealed: Tinsley draws the first choice; The Countess the second; Bethenny the third; Dorinda the fourth; Her Sereness the fifth and Frick and Frack draw sixth and seventh.
Ramona and Sonja try to con Tinsley into joining them, but Tinsley is like, “OH HELL NO.” However, Tinsley decides she doesn’t want the pressure of going first, and trades numbers with Bethenny, on the perfectly reasonable justification that she is the hostess of the trip. This obviously infuriates Ramona who decides that if Tinsley was going to trade with anyone, she had an obligation to trade with Sonja as a thank you for hosting her for the past two months.
The women then choose their rooms — with Bethenny obviously choosing the room that Ramonja wanted. This does not spark the freakout. The freakout occurs when Princess Carole and Dorinda choose the two rooms that each have two single beds. Ramona DEMANDS that Dorinda give Ramonja her room, and when Dorinda deigns to say no, Ramona proceeds to completely meltdown like an overtired toddler. The only rooms left available to Ramona and Sonja are in the shade and Ramona needs sunlight or SHE WILL LITERALLY DIE.
Ramona refuses to leave Dorinda’s room. Screaming ensues.
Only after Bethenny suggests to Sonja that she would never want her daughter to behave the way she currently is and Dorinda threatens to throw Ramona’s things into the ocean do Ramona and Sonja skulk off to their dungeon room, Ramona wailing the entire way about not being close enough to the kitchen AND HOW IS SHE SUPPOSED TO MAKE SONJA TEA IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT IF SHE IS NOT GOING TO BE NEXT TO THE KITCHEN?
This is a very serious problem, you guys.
Ramona then terrorizes the staff while forcing them to unpack her things, and orders them to bring Sonja and herself tea every morning at 9 a.m. So I guess very serious problem solved.
Meanwhile, Dorinda teaches Her Chillness “the balloon game” in which an inflated balloon is shoved between two people’s bathing suits areas and who must then furiously thrust against said balloon until the balloon pops. Dorinda explains that it is played by the very posh in Britain when they retire to their country homes. It also happens to be played here in the States at your drunken barbecues.
Neither Her Highness nor #MeToo approve.
Eventually, the women head to the beach to drink all of the margaritas and kill time before dinner. Dorinda, for one, never fully recovers and we do not see her for the remainder of the episode.
That evening, Bethenny is the first one at the dinner table — and she arrives 90 minutes late, fully expecting everyone to be almost done eating.
Tequila: It’s not your friend.
As Princess Radzi is putting on her makeup, Tinsley appears in her room and is FURIOUS, having found out from a friend that Page 6 contacted them about a story they were doing on Tinsley about how she was a shitty and ungrateful houseguest who didn’t even give Sonja a gift of any sort. And Tinsley knows exactly who is behind this:
Bethenny, starving to death at this point, collects Tinsley and Her Lateness and demands that they discuss this at the table because OH MY GOD WHY IS EVERYONE SO LATE FOR DINNER IT WAS TIME TO EAT TWO HOURS AGO.
Meanwhile, Ramona and Sonja are still in their loathed quarters, putting on their makeup and bitching that Tinsley didn’t give them her room number because she is HISTORY’S WORST MONSTER.
The Countess stumbles her way to dinner, slurring her words and blowing on some sort of rape whistle she has slung around her neck.
Tequila: It’s not your amigo.
And finally, Ramona and Sonja make their way to the table, where they announce their plans to go out later. With that, The Countess toasts Bethenny, thanking her for arranging the trip, to which Ramona protests that it’s a “group trip” because she is an asshole and a ruiner.
Then Tinsley begins yelling at the pair about the Page 6 story, accusing Ramona of planting it. Ramona denies the charge, arguing that she hates the press, of course she didn’t leak anything to them. However, Sonja, who has a long, notorious and blatant history of planting stories with Page 6, insists that it’s Tinsley’s own fault that Page 6 is interested in her after her behavior in Palm Springs. So how dare Tinsley blame Sonja for a story that Page 6 is going to run, simply because it happens to be repeating verbatim a complaint Sonja has loudly been making all season long. HOW DARE SHE.
Ramona suggests that Tinsley try being a considerate guest, not an inconsiderate one, which is met with the only appropriate response:
Tinsley retreats to a pantry to sob.
And Ramona takes the opportunity to slip away with The Drunkenness, where this happens:
TEQUILA. NO ES TU AMIGO.
The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo on Wednesdays at 8/9 p.m. and can handle her tequila.