‘The Real Housewives of New York’: The shady side of the mountain

The Real Housewives of New York
“A Slippery Slope”
July 5, 2017

OH HAI. So, The Real Housewives of New York City return in ~checks a calendar~ a week and a half and I have ~checks DVR~ 8 episodes I just up and didn’t do like some sort of simple-minded lazeabout. WELL, BY DAMMIT, I AM GOING TO GET THESE EPISODES RECAPPED BEFORE THE NEXT SEASON THAT I WILL INEVITABLY BAIL ON HALFWAY THROUGH BEGINS. LET’S DO THIS.

Last we left the ladies, they were in Vermont for some reason, and it’s time to ski. Bethenny, who doesn’t actually want to be spending time with any of these witches, heads off to the slopes without enjoying any of the fruit or eggs that Ramona has prepared for breakfast.

Bethenny does pause long enough to apologize to Tinsley if she came off a little harsh the night before — Bethenny grew up in an abusive household and she appreciates how it can take time to recover from trauma, and Tinsley should just take all the time she needs. “YEAH, THANKS FOR PERMISSION, PERSON I HAVE KNOWN FOR MAYBE EIGHT WEEKS,” Tinsley to her enormous credit does not say.

The rest of the ladies enjoy Ramona’s avocado toast spread before shoving themselves into ski pants and uncomfortable boots. There, Sonja tells The Countess that she is finally coming around to the idea of The Countess as Mrs. D’Agostino, that she’s “transitioning” into the idea of The Countess as a married woman. Instead of being like, “Bitch, I don’t care if you ‘transition’ or not, I’m married either way,” The Countess gets all huffy with Sonja for being inappropriate the week before when she made a joke about the fact that they have slept with the same man (men).

As The Countess stomps down to her basement cell to get dressed for skiing, Sonja pouts that The Countess doesn’t want her to be her outrageous Sonja self, and huffs that there shouldn’t be consequences for her outrageous behavior. You know, like a grown adult does.

And then everyone who is going skiing — which is everyone but Dorinda and Princess Carole — put on their ski pants and head out, leaving Dorinda in peace. (Oh, and just in case it comes up in Mexico — which I still have not watched — Dorinda explains that she ended up giving up her superior room to Frick and Frack after all. DORINDA. YOU DO NOT NEGOTIATE WITH TERRORISTS. COME ON.)

The Countess, Ramona, Sonja, and Tinsley go to a ski shop where Ramona hires Tim, a hot 20-year-old to hang out with her all day and give a boost to her delicate ego give her a lesson because she needs to “brush up on her skills” even though she goes skiing in Aspen every year.

lemon-ok

But teaching Ramona how to ski comes with other responsibilities that our baby bird ski instructor may not have been anticipating, like carrying her skis all over the damn place and not overtly shivering when she leers at him. YOU ARE NOT BEING PAID NEARLY ENOUGH, TIM.

And then everyone skis, it’s boring. I mean, at one point, Ramona shrieks at Tinsley that she is skiing too close to her and it is making her nervous, but otherwise …

nothing lady gaga.gif

On their way back down the mountain, Bethenny mentions to The Countess that she is worried about her upcoming Mexico trip, it’s going to be a challenge to not invite Ramona. The Countess chirps that she’s planning on coming to Mexico for just a couple of days, maybe she could bring Ramona with her. And Bethenny loves this idea: that way only half of the trip will be a complete shitshow! Hooray for compromise!

Meanwhile, back at the lodge, Dorinda and Her Highness enjoy boozy coffee drinks and gossip about The Countess wanting the fanciest room, Tinsley being attacked by all these bitches, and the fact that Bethenny doesn’t reveal to them just what a nightmare her ex-husband is making her life. Her Polishness explains to Dorinda that Bethenny’s ex texts her hideous messages about her mothering and how she’s old and ugly, before showing her a Page Six story about how he was recently arrested for stalking and harassing her at their daughter’s school. He seems nice.

Their hour of skiing over with, the rest of the ladies begin wandering into the lodge to join Dorinda and Her Sereness, including Ramona and Tim, her ski slave. Upon meeting Tim, Dorinda comments on how much he looks like the type of boys she grew up with in Massachusets, and the pair figures out that they grew up in towns a few minutes apart. Ramona, furious that her ski slave is paying attention to someone who isn’t barking orders at him or trying to slip her room key into his pants, sends him to fetch her and Tinsley a drink. Again, not part of his job, but Tim the ski slave obliges.

Dorinda scolds Ramona for treating Tim the ski slave like a waiter, pointing out that the lodge HAS WAITRESSES. And at some point, after he found himself trapped between Ramona and Sonja, Tim the ski slave disappears from the episode, either having made a sneaky escape while Ramona was passing around photos of the crab cakes her daughter made …

who cares sophia

… or we missed a whole scene where Ramona roofied him and dragged his body back to the house to be transported to her Manhattan dungeon later. It’s unclear.

Meanwhile, Bethenny is distracted by the Page Six story on her phone and misses the part where Tinsley explains to Princess Poland that she can’t drink too much because she’s on anti-depressives, and Princess Carole is like, “OH HONEY, I DON’T THINK YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE DRINKING AT ALL.” But Tinsley is not here for that.

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Back at the house, The Countess continues this season’s “The Ladies Don’t Know How to Light a Fire” theme by nearly filling the place with gas and blowing it to high heaven. Unfortunately, She is unsuccessful.

The Countess then visits with Sonja and Ramona in their room where Ramona is doing something unspeakable to Sonja’s hair. There, The Countess asks the women if Bethenny has invited them to Mexico and Sonja chirps that she was invited and she was excited because, and I quote, “Chimichangas!”

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But Sonja goes on to explain that she had mixed feelings about accepting because Bethenny told her she wasn’t inviting Ramona. The Countess explains that she actually spoke to Bethenny about this, too, and she wants Ramona to come with The Countess when she goes to Mexico a couple days later into the trip. “Hooray!” says Sonja.

This face, says Ramona:

ramona side eye

After The Countess leaves, Ramona tries to put a positive spin on this: she and Bethenny rode the gondola together twice, and there wasn’t any bad energy. In fact, Ramona once asked her for the time and Bethenny gave it to her, so they’re practically BFFs.

Sonja:

youre-high-arrested-development-lucille

Meanwhile, downstairs, a tipsy Tinsley brags to Dorinda that she loves to shop. Why, she’s such a good shopper, that she can find an amazing dress and not spend a fortune. Only like, “five, six or seven or so.” FIVE, SIX, OR SEVEN WHAT? DOLLARS? Because that would be impressive. (I don’t think she means dollars.) Meanwhile, Dorinda is impressed by Tinsley’s “Olympic” day drinking skills.

At dinner, Bethenny decides to break the ice by starting a game of Truth or Dare, but Princess Carole protests that the game is too easy to beat, you just lie. For instance, she posits, “How old were you when you first had anal sex?” And Tinsley is like, “well, in fact, I’ll tell you, because I was married and it was with my husband, so no biggie.”

The other women are not sure what to make of this.

new girls shocking shocked

While Bethenny thinks Tinsley should be done where she wants to be done, Dorinda declares it unnatural, and The Countess grasps her pearls at the entire conversation.

Bethenny then dares Sonja to kiss one of the chefs or waiters, as if this is even a challenge, come on. They should dare her to keep her hands OFF of the chefs and waiters if they really wanted to give Sonja a dare.

Sonja then asks Dorinda to tell the truth, “How big is Fudgie’s little fudgie?” In response, Dorinda waggles a giant cucumber around and now I need brain bleach. I am going to send the show a bill for the brain bleach I am going to go order from Amazon.

Bethenny turns her sights on Princess Poland, demanding to know on a scale of 1-10, how good George Clooney was in bed, and the other women are all, “WAIT, YOU SEXED GEORGE CLOONEY?”

new girls shocking shocked

She rates him a 9, by the way.

Her Highness then asks Ramona, “How many men have you been with in any orifice since Mario?” Ramona replies she’s had intercourse with three men, but as for anything else, she pleads the fifth because that is not sexual relations as far as this “good Catholic girl” is concerned.

Sonja starts going on about how her intimacy line is kissing — she’ll fuck you, but stay away from her mouth. This leads The Countess to start laughing haughtily that she is SO GLAD SHE IS MARRIED right about now. Bethenny and Dorinda immediately are like, “bitch, stop, enough. That is enough.” The Countess protests that she JUST WANTS TO ENJOY HER HONEYMOON PHASE, IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK? She barely speaks about her marriage.

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Bethenny points out that considering the rough road that The Countess had to embark on to get married, maybe she should be allowed to revel in it a bit.

lisa vanderpump tea rhobh

Dorinda can’t believe that Bethenny is trying to defend The Countess (which if she is, she’s not doing a great job), but The Countess is like, “I did have a hard time getting to the altar, BUT I MADE IT.”

Ok, calm down, we all know how this ends, lady.

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The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo on Wednesdays at 8/9 p.m. and has zero problem with talking about anal sex at the dinner table.

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