February 26, 2018
Before we get started here, a programming note: “The Women Tell All” special obviously aired Sunday before this episode aired, and if I were a good Bachelor blogger, I’d be doing these in order. But I’m not, so I won’t. Instead, I hope to have “The Women Tell All” up sometime tomorrow, so check back in!
It’s Fantasy Suite time, which this season are taking place in Peru, and I have a question ~raises hand~ how, exactly, does one become a location scout for a show like The Bachelor? Because I think I could do this job. I’m pretty sure I could fly around the world staying in fancy resorts and looking for asinine activities for couples to do on dates. This seems like a job I could handle.
For his first date, Arie Bobby takes a somewhat anxious Taxiderpy out for a dune buggy ride, which he uses as a metaphor for relationships: “there are ups and downs and it’s scary but exciting all at the same time.” Taxiderpy compares it to Mad Max. I’m with her.
They then sandboard down to a sand picnic, all the while the dune buggy looms above them, threatening to crash down on their heads at any moment, a considerably more apt metaphor for this relationship, honestly.
While they eat their sandwiches …
… Taxiderpy worries that she’s not ready for an engagement, she’s not at the same place as the other women, and, honestly, has no idea what she is doing in South America filming a reality dating show, how did this become her life?
But that night, Taxiderpy shares some of her concerns Arie Bobby, namely that she tends to be a novelty girlfriend, the quirky weirdo who is into taxidermy and ukeleles, and she wants someone to see that she is more than a collection of Etsy hobbies. And Arie Bobby is all, “I love the taxidermy! It’s so cool! Also, too, I am falling in love with you!”
This is highly doubtful, but Taxiderpy is convinced and agrees to go to the Fantasy Suite despite moments earlier being fairly certain she would not.
And in the event you don’t know what happens in the Fantasy Suites, The Bachelor gives us some helpful visual clues:
Nope, still don’t get it.
The next day, Arie Bobby takes Virginia Lauren on an airplane tour of the amazing Nazca Lines, but she is completely disinterested because she is
a pretty idiot distracted and worried about this entire dating process.
Over lunch, Virginia Lauren explains that it’s irritating that there are other girls still in the competition and she needs to feel like she’s the only one and he needs to tell her that she is going to win this whole thing and she’s ready to just walk away if he refuses to do so. And, I mean, I get it: I wouldn’t be able to hold it together very well either if I knew that someone I was dating who had told me that they were falling in love with me was going on sex dates with two other women THAT WEEK. That would be infuriating and awful and I would be NOT COOL ABOUT IT, but then that’s why I DON’T GO ON SHOWS LIKE THE BACHELOR.
That night they have dinner where Virginia Lauren whines some more about the fact that there are two other women he’s banging this week, and Arie Bobby is like, “Baby, don’t you get it? I’m banging those other women to make sure that if I choose to bang you for the rest of my life, I don’t have any banging regrets. I’m doing this for us. I’m making these banging sacrifices for our future! Also, I love you!”
This is highly doubtful, but Virginia Lauren is convinced and agrees to go to the Fantasy Suite with him despite moments earlier being ready to walk out of this STD-riddled nightmare.
The final date is with Ring Bearer, whom Arie Bobby takes out on a catamaran to go look at some bird- and sea lion-covered islands. However, disappointingly, they do not actually go on to the islands and molest the sea lions. Had I been on the date, I would have ABSOLUTELY INSISTED UPON doing so. I would have turned into a damn Somali pirate and commandeered that catamaran until we had gone to the island and collected a baby sea lion that I could take home with me.
On the date, Ring Bearer brings up some practical matters: if he chooses her, how would it work, would he want her to move to Arizona right away, or would it be a long distance thing for a while? Because she did the long distance thing with her ex and it wasn’t the best, but then, again, he was a much more selfish person than Arie Bobby and even though she spent seven years of her life with that asshole, she now knows she was wasting her time and that she deserves better THAN ROSS WAS EVER WILLING TO GIVE HER wait, what were they talking about again?
That night, they have dinner in a tent out in the desert where Ring Bearer blurts out that she is falling in love with him, and Arie Bobby tells her that he is in love with her, too.
This, of course, is HIGHLY DOUBTFUL, but Ring Bearer’s panties are already half off before he even gives her the Fantasy
Suite Tent invitation, which she eagerly accepts.
The producers cruelly shoot them from this angle:
And then things get interesting.
During the portion of the show where we should be watching the women getting dressed for the final rose ceremony while monologuing about how great it was to get it on with the Bachelor and how IN LURVE they are with the Bachelor and how they can’t wait for the Bachelor to propose to them and the Bachelor stands pensively on the balcony of his hotel room, shirtless, obviously, while pondering the difficult decision he has ahead of him … instead of all that, we get some burly dude in a suit, storming up to Arie Bobby’s hotel room, yelling about how HE DOESN’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THIS SHOW, HE’S HERE FOR HIS GIRL, SURE GO AHEAD AND MIC HIM, AND YEAH, HE’LL SIGN YOUR FILMING DISCLAIMERS, WHERE’S YOUR PEN.
Meet Ross Jirgl, Ring Bearer’s aforementioned boyfriend of seven years, with whom she broke up a year ago.
Ross marches up to Arie Bobby’s room and explains that he is Ring Bearer’s ex, that he didn’t realize that this whole Bachelor nonsense ended in a proposal until recently, but once he found out, he flew to Peru, drove five hours into the sand dunes, put on a suit, bought a shitty bouquet of flowers and then met the producers and camera crew here at Arie Bobby’s hotel so that he could inform him that IF ANYONE IS GOING TO PROPOSE TO RING BEARER, IT’S GONNA BE HIM.
Arie Bobby is like, “Does she know this?” and Ross is all, “NO, BUT I’M GOING TO GO TELL HER RIGHT NOW, GOODBYE, DUDE.”
The producers then drive Ross over to Ring Bearer’s hotel where, upon opening the door to her ex-boyfriend, she is like, “Whattheactualfuckishappeningrightnow.” She refuses to let Ross into her hotel room, instead making him get on with whatever this is out on some exterior stairs.
There, he explains that HE HAS SPENT EVERY DAY OF THE PAST YEAR THINKING ABOUT HER AND NOBODY COMPARES TO HER AND HE WANTS TO MARRY HER, SO PLEASE MARRY HIM, RING BEARER, LIKE HE TOLD THAT OTHER GUY IT’S NOT SURPRISING THAT HE FELL IN LOVE WITH RING BEARER …
And Ring Bearer is like, “Hold up, you talked to Arie Bobby? Oh for fuck’s sake, go home, Ross. We broke up for a reason, dummy. Now get the fuck out of here, dude, and quit trying to ruin my life.”
Ross pouts and wanders off, clearly looking for Ring Bearer to change her mind and call him back, but that doesn’t happen because, as she pointed out, this ain’t The Notebook. Meanwhile, dumb Bachelor fans who don’t understand what toxic and controlling relationships look like even when they ARE BEING PLAYED OUT BEFORE OUR VERY EYES, immediately start campaigning for this asshole to be the next Bachelor. Y’ALL, NO. STOP IT. THIS IS BAD. THIS IS BAD BEHAVIOR.
Ring Bearer goes to Arie Bobby’s hotel room where she is like, “Holy shit, dude, I did not see that coming and I’m really sorry, but I need you to know that it’s over with him and I would never choose him.” Arie Bobby is skeptical and worries that Ross must have thought that such a grand gesture would work, and therefore Ring Bearer probably still has feelings for him. WHICH, NO, THAT’S NOT HOW IT WORKS. THAT IS SOME STRAIGHT-UP STALKER LOGIC, DUDE.
Then it’s Rose Ceremony time.
And I’m not saying that the editors deliberately framed this shot of Arie Bobby with a horse’s ass prominently featured, I’m just saying, METAPHOR.
Before he hands out any roses, however, Arie Bobby asks to speak to Taxiderpy alone, and he leads her out to a bench that happens to be situated right next to the Te Vas a Casa Ahora SUV. There, he explains that, sure, he said he loved her, but he’s
slept with the other women since then thought about it, and he just doesn’t think they’re going to “get there.”
Taxiderpy pretends to be upset, but come on, girl. We all know you’re deeply relieved. Now get in that SUV and fly home to your taxidermy and return to dating boys with tattoos and questionable hygiene and family issues, you’ll be happier for it, I promise.
Here are the ladies who were eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:
Here are the women along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Arie:
The Bachelor airs Mondays on ABC at 7/8 p.m. and thinks if you’re going to fly all the way to Peru, you should shell out a little more for some decent flowers.